Hostile and entitled man hijacking my table

[BluntPlumHam]

I stopped to have some lunch at a busy market where there is a lot of seating however often taken up so some waiting around.

Often a woman dining on her own or having coffee may ask to share a table which I always agree to.

I was sat at a table for 4 already eating.

Man and woman approach and ask if they can share my table.

I asked is it just you two and pointed at the seats opposite me and he nodded. So I said ok because it was super busy.

Seconds later a third person joins and I’m now encircled by their group. I took my headphones out and said hang on you didn’t say there were three of you?

He immediately got hostile and red in the face and said you need to go find a table for one person.

I put my cutlery down and said you need to move. He started blathering on about being allowed to voice his opinion and I just said no and firmly said leave because I wasn’t about to engage in a discussion or argument with this man child.

He started throwing a tantrum exclaiming that he’s not leaving puffing his chest out etc and his wife was trying to calm him down and kept apologising to me. He was clearly ready to have a stand off with me. I just turned to her, your husband is hostile, harassing me now and I want you to all leave to which she eventually said ok and that we will go find another table. He reluctantly left but not without trying to start a fight with me I just remained firm and resilient. Just kept repeating sternly you all need to leave now and find another table.

Wife was visibly embarrassed by his behaviour and grabbed my arm and sincerely apologised.

I just feel that a certain culture of general hostility towards women is being normalised in this day and age. Although I initially allowed him to sit there when I realised this was a group I revoked that permission but men can’t take a no for an answer.

Despite me doing them a favour and letting them sit there he had the audacity to get angry with me when I questioned the third person and tell me to go find another table midway my food. They did not have their food yet.

Men feel entitled to encroach and stay in women’s personal space even when bluntly told to go. Would it have been different had I been a man, absolutely.

AIBU for making them leave.

2 people fine.

3 people were “circling you”

You agreed and then rescinded the seats.

As you clearly think you own the market could you not have had a VIP solo table set up for yourself somewhere else?

Not saying then mans response was ok per se but you clearly felt it was ok for you to assert your authority about who could and couldn’t sit in a public space.

If that's how you feel why did you let 2 random people sit with you? We only have your version of events but I think you probably go looking for a fight by the way you talk about the situation.

It’s not usual to share those tables because they don’t have a communal vibe.

Oh ffs, you are out in public!! That IS a communal vibe. Eat at home then. 😂

I can’t believe how entitled you are! You can’t just sit at a table for four and expect for people not to join the table. You commented on how the market is busy and there is some waiting around for seats. Is the business supposed to make a loss while you take up seats and drive away other paying customers? How do you think it’s ok to tell someone he can’t sit down in an empty seat? It would be different if you were expecting a friend to join you but this is completely unreasonable. If you want no one to join you you should sit at a table for one. Yes - this man got angry but he had every right to be angry. The only person being “ hostile and entitled “ here is you!!

I’m not sure I really see an issue with you “allowing” three people, versus two… and I can only assume neither did they. It’s unreserved seating in a public area, so whilst you’re entitled to your own seat and space to eat, I don’t think it’s reasonable for you to assume ownership of the whole table and decide who can and can’t sit down. In general I agree there are issues more generally around men’s behaviour, but I don’t think you were blameless in how this specific situation played out.

MN gets weirder and weirder. Yanbu at all.

Being surrounded by another group when you are eating and were there first is not the norm at all. Asking if it's ok to sit there is normal. Don't think it's unreasonable to say ok to a couple but not happy being surrounded.

Angry men can just do one. Sick of it.

yeah sorry, I agree with the majority. It's polite to ask if you mind them joining your table, but even if there'd been 3 of them and you'd said 'sorry, no,' then they'd have been perfectly entitled to sit down anyway.

If it's a market with just general seating, that's completely different to restaurant whereby you (usually, although sometimes of course you can share tables too) sit down at 'your' table then get food - the seats are for everyone. Like public benches in a park. You can't stop people from sitting there, it would be ridiculous for them to stand awkwardly trying to eat when there were seats available.

Of course he shouldn't have reacted so aggressively, but equally you had no right to put restrictions on whether they could sit there or not or tell him he "needed" to move. You didn't own the table, he didn't "need" to do anything.

Two people arrived and asked politely if they could sit there (as is normal custom and good manners in a busy cafe) and the OP said yes. The third person just barged in. Rude.

Love to know where all these cafes are with tables for one...

Op this is bonkers. Don’t go to busy places if you don’t like people!

You can't barge into a seat at a table are you for real 😂😂

"You don't own the table"

Yes but the social norm is absolutely that you get exclusive use of the table you're occupying 😂

Yes. I’m genuinely chuckling at these responses. They don’t mirror reality at all.

The OP in particular...

Surrounded FML it's people eating a bit of lunch

Yes, but it’s also a social norm that you agree to the people asking sitting in any unused seats! Only time it’s the social norm to say “no” is if you’re genuinely waiting for others to join you.

YABU.

Firstly, you said it’s common practice at this location for people of different groups to sit on the same table. It’s not a fine dining situation.

Secondly, they asked if they could sit and you said they could. At no point did they say there was only two of them - and, frankly, it’s irrelevant whether there was two or three of them because there were three empty seats.

You then started being hostile, started the altercation and started an argument.

It’s funny how you describe yourself as “calm” and “stern” and “firm” but he’s “hostile” and “harassing” and having a “tantrum”. I highly doubt an objective third-party would think so.

Plenty of people apologise on behalf of their partners who are in altercations even when their partner is 100% in the right. It has come up on here before where a wife is upset that her DH steered her away from a conflict where she was right and apologised on her behalf when she wasn’t wrong (or apologetic).

You don’t seem to have painted a very objective picture of what went on.

Exactly!! The man was reacting to the way you acted.The “ is it just you two?!” would have infuriated me too and I think most people. You are being voted unreasonable so there’s your answer

That's absolutely not always the case. I can think of numerous places where sharing tables is the norm. I ate at a couple of different ones this week alone.

Not at this location - as OP stated in her OP

What exactly did this man do that was outrageous? Sit at an unoccupied seat in a cafe and get pissed off when some randomer tells him he doesn’t have permission? He was justifiably annoyed at the situation - then the OP accuses him of harassment so his wife clearly tries to remove him from the accusations that were being fired at him by the rude and entitled OP.

If I'm having a coffee or lunch, I'll nearly always be on my own so will look for a table for 2. If the tables for 4 have comfier seats and the cafe/food court is quiet, I might risk a table for 4.

If I was on my own at a table for 4 and it was busy or became busy and other people wanted to sit there, I would smile and say yes because it's the polite thing to do (providing that there weren't empty tables of 4 which they could have had instead).

I would be inwardly pissed off, curse my bad luck and eat/drink fairly quickly rather than at a leisurely place. But I wouldn't object to them sitting at "my" table because I wouldn't own the spare seats.

I think YABU and you would've been just as likely to get a mouthful off a woman for your hostility and rudeness.

He was right about one thing, you should've eaten somewhere with a table for one if you were going to be so territorial.

You can shoehorn it all you like into a man vs woman thing but I think on this occasion, it wasn't.

True.

Yes, in RL I would ask to join a table for one if no others were available. If the person refused I’d let it drop though, to avoid confrontation.

having a booth type section doesn’t change the venue’s norm. Busy places without bookings means table sharing, certainly in London.

Not surprised he lost his shit - and I'm usually the last person to defend men. You sound entitled and insufferable. There were no other tables available and you alone were occupying a table for 4. Yes, of course it's social etiquette to ask politely to join another table (and I believe these people initially did just that) but it doesn't imply your ownership of it or indeed that your approval is required. We all understand your desire to have a table to yourself but it isn't your right. Jeez.