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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hostile and entitled man hijacking my table

596 replies

BluntPlumHam · 14/08/2025 16:22

I stopped to have some lunch at a busy market where there is a lot of seating however often taken up so some waiting around.

Often a woman dining on her own or having coffee may ask to share a table which I always agree to.

I was sat at a table for 4 already eating.

Man and woman approach and ask if they can share my table.

I asked is it just you two and pointed at the seats opposite me and he nodded. So I said ok because it was super busy.

Seconds later a third person joins and I’m now encircled by their group. I took my headphones out and said hang on you didn’t say there were three of you?

He immediately got hostile and red in the face and said you need to go find a table for one person.

I put my cutlery down and said you need to move. He started blathering on about being allowed to voice his opinion and I just said no and firmly said leave because I wasn’t about to engage in a discussion or argument with this man child.

He started throwing a tantrum exclaiming that he’s not leaving puffing his chest out etc and his wife was trying to calm him down and kept apologising to me. He was clearly ready to have a stand off with me. I just turned to her, your husband is hostile, harassing me now and I want you to all leave to which she eventually said ok and that we will go find another table. He reluctantly left but not without trying to start a fight with me I just remained firm and resilient. Just kept repeating sternly you all need to leave now and find another table.

Wife was visibly embarrassed by his behaviour and grabbed my arm and sincerely apologised.

I just feel that a certain culture of general hostility towards women is being normalised in this day and age. Although I initially allowed him to sit there when I realised this was a group I revoked that permission but men can’t take a no for an answer.

Despite me doing them a favour and letting them sit there he had the audacity to get angry with me when I questioned the third person and tell me to go find another table midway my food. They did not have their food yet.

Men feel entitled to encroach and stay in women’s personal space even when bluntly told to go. Would it have been different had I been a man, absolutely.

AIBU for making them leave.

OP posts:
sandrapinchedmysandwich · 14/08/2025 17:06

AdayinDecember · 14/08/2025 16:42

Of course you have to let other people sit down when you are on a table in a cafe and there are spare seats. You don't own that table or have any right to the other chairs. If you don't like it it is on you to move. "I was here first" means nothing unless someone is actually trying to ake the seat you are sitting on

I agree. I personally would also hate having a group of random people sat with me but I would never police others. I would probably internally huff a bit though. Yabu

SodOffbacktoaibu · 14/08/2025 17:06

BallerinaRadio · 14/08/2025 17:01

Surrounded FML it's people eating a bit of lunch

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Yeah an absolute horror of a man as it turns out.

Fuck that. I'm with you @BluntPlumHam

RhaenysRocks · 14/08/2025 17:08

BluntPlumHam · 14/08/2025 17:01

Yes. I’m genuinely chuckling at these responses. They don’t mirror reality at all.

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You seem weirdly confident that people are replying differently to real life. I promise you I'm not. I have, when needed both asked and allowed for table sharing. I get that a public place involves compromise and a less than perfect scenario.

RomainingCalm · 14/08/2025 17:08

I think you were wrong here OP. They are public spaces, you had room at your table - once you'd said yes you can't then send them away.

That said, I get why it feels uncomfortable to be the lone person with three others joining you and equally why just two people somehow feels ok.

It's a bit like a train journey - sometimes I'm lucky and have plenty of space. Other times it's busy and I hate being at a table when the other three people are all travelling together, having a conversation, sharing food/drinks - but it's public transport and you have to accept that sometimes it's a bit shit.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 14/08/2025 17:10

For those of you saying you see it as a norm to sit at table at a busy cafe where one person is already sat would never actually practice that in reality 🙄

I am really well travelled and have lived in multiple places, and I practice that "reality" when a place is busy, and I have no justification in hogging a table to myself when others are waiting. It isn't my table you see. I don't own it and it isn't my personal space. I've also shared logs, if that is of any help. On account of being well travelled you see, and spending time in places where they don't actually have tables.

I'd love to hear the other side of this story, because I bet it goes something like "... we were in a cafe in a busy market place and there was this woman on her own on a table for four, so I asked her if the other seats were taken and she said no, we could sit there, then when we did she started getting arsey and told us to get off her table. She was really rude about it and in our faces telling us to get off her table..." You make much of the woman apologising - women often apologise when it is inappropriate to do so because they think they ought.

LaMarschallin · 14/08/2025 17:10

For those of you saying you see it as a norm to sit at table at a busy cafe where one person is already sat would never actually practice that in reality 🙄

Well, I would.
It's the same as getting into a train carriage. If I saw one person sitting at a four person table in a busy train or cafe I'd ask if anyone was going to occupy the seats and, if not, I'd take one. If I was with one or two other people I'd call them over too.
If the person said they objected to me sitting there, I'd look around for somewhere else and, if there's wasn't, I'd say "Sorry, there's no where else" and sit down.

Eta X-posted with RomainingCalm who'd already made the train comparison 🤦🏻‍♀️

WhatNoRaisins · 14/08/2025 17:11

He could have handled it better but you were being ridiculous. Maybe eating in this sort of environment isn't for you if this makes you so uncomfortable.

Reasonablerealist · 14/08/2025 17:13

.

Dangermoo · 14/08/2025 17:13

Eyesopenwideawake · 14/08/2025 16:26

Unless you owned the table it's not your choice who sits there. A case of two overly entitled heads butting, methinks.

I agree with this. What an overreaction. Sorry OP, but you escalated the hostility.

MavisandHetty · 14/08/2025 17:13

This isn’t a feminist coup, sticking one to the patriarchy. It’s not even a woman standing her ground against an acerbic man seeing as you co-opted his wife into finalizing the argument for you 🙄
This is an entitled person not wanting to share something that wasn’t theirs to begin with. Utterly in the wrong here OP.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 14/08/2025 17:14

BluntPlumHam · 14/08/2025 17:01

Yes. I’m genuinely chuckling at these responses. They don’t mirror reality at all.

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I'm genuinely chuckling at yet another AIBU - answer "Yes", response of OP "No I'm not". Why do people ask if they don't want the answer?

WimpoleHat · 14/08/2025 17:14

Yes, of course it's social etiquette to ask politely to join another table (and I believe these people initially did just that) but it doesn't imply your ownership of it or indeed that your approval is required

This is spot on. I think @RomainingCalm is also on the money with the analogy of the train journey: etiquette demands that you don’t sit next to someone if there are plenty of empty seats, but equally that all seats will be used if there aren’t. I think this is true in cafes when you don’t book a table. Fine to sit at a table for 4 if it’s empty; a little antisocial if it is likely to get busy and there is a 2 available. But - in both cases - you should expect to share if it’s very busy. The “table to yourself/just your party” only really applies if it’s a sit down restaurant and you’ve booked it.

PotatoRato · 14/08/2025 17:15

PhilippaGeorgiou · 14/08/2025 17:10

For those of you saying you see it as a norm to sit at table at a busy cafe where one person is already sat would never actually practice that in reality 🙄

I am really well travelled and have lived in multiple places, and I practice that "reality" when a place is busy, and I have no justification in hogging a table to myself when others are waiting. It isn't my table you see. I don't own it and it isn't my personal space. I've also shared logs, if that is of any help. On account of being well travelled you see, and spending time in places where they don't actually have tables.

I'd love to hear the other side of this story, because I bet it goes something like "... we were in a cafe in a busy market place and there was this woman on her own on a table for four, so I asked her if the other seats were taken and she said no, we could sit there, then when we did she started getting arsey and told us to get off her table. She was really rude about it and in our faces telling us to get off her table..." You make much of the woman apologising - women often apologise when it is inappropriate to do so because they think they ought.

Exactly. OP sounds like an intimidating bully and the wife appears to have been trying to appease and calm her.

We’ve surely all witnessed situations where a DH calls out someone (usually another man) who was rude to their DW leading to an altercation and the DW trying to calm the situation and remove her DH. It’s not an indication her DH was wrong. It’s that many women are fixers, don’t make a fuss, people please and don’t like conflict. It’s almost the same reflex as apologising when someone bumps into you and gets annoyed with you for it.

Account734 · 14/08/2025 17:15

Well done OP!! You asked them a question and they lied because they knew what your answer would be. Huge respect to you for standing up to that vile bully.

Dangermoo · 14/08/2025 17:15

BluntPlumHam · 14/08/2025 16:37

Because I’m occupying that table whilst I eat and they have no where to sit … so yes it’s a favour.

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How arrogant.

PotatoRato · 14/08/2025 17:15

Dangermoo · 14/08/2025 17:13

I agree with this. What an overreaction. Sorry OP, but you escalated the hostility.

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Not only did she escalated it - she started it!

Original poster
BluntPlumHam · 14/08/2025 17:17

WhatNoRaisins · 14/08/2025 17:11

He could have handled it better but you were being ridiculous. Maybe eating in this sort of environment isn't for you if this makes you so uncomfortable.

Nope, I’m fine. Regularly dine there and out in general. Just wondering if majority on this thread do lol. As I said no issue with one vs one but not an entire group. That is not a social norm whatsoever, being crammed into a small booth table with three strangers. On this occasion I made the mistake of saying ok to a couple which i definitely won’t be doing again.

Also those comparing it to a train/public transport not even remotely the same.

OP posts:
Slightyamusedandsilly · 14/08/2025 17:17

Honestly, why don't posters READ the thread properly? She didn't MIND sharing. She just didn't want to be cornered by 3 people when she was there first. 2 people would have been fine.

Unfortunately, it's first come first served.

Well done @BluntPlumHam for standing up to a bullying bloke.

Lindy2 · 14/08/2025 17:19

He was rude but so we're you. You don't own a table just because you are sitting on 1 seat. It is unreasonable to expect other customers to stand so you can have an empty seat next to you.

Both of you need to think about it a bit.

PotatoRato · 14/08/2025 17:19

Slightyamusedandsilly · 14/08/2025 17:17

Honestly, why don't posters READ the thread properly? She didn't MIND sharing. She just didn't want to be cornered by 3 people when she was there first. 2 people would have been fine.

Unfortunately, it's first come first served.

Well done @BluntPlumHam for standing up to a bullying bloke.

Everyone read it 🙄

If there are three spare seats then OP doesn’t get to dictate the use of any of those spare seats.

He wasn’t a bully - he just didn’t let OP bully him and his wife. Good for him and it’s a shame OP’s bullying won out.

mondaytosunday · 14/08/2025 17:19

So all those people saying she had no say over the rest of the table… say you are sitting there with your spouse and child and a stranger plonks themselves down at the fourth seat, are you really saying you wouldn’t think ‘wtf’? And if the person was a sizeable chap who then started reaching for the salt and pepper and grabbing the ketchup? I think you’d be put out but by your reasoning diners don’t ‘own’ the table (or condiments etc) so fair game?
Also he DID tell HER to move to another table once she objected.
While you are eating/drinking at a table you are in effect renting it for the duration and should indeed be able to decide who else sits there.

Original poster
BluntPlumHam · 14/08/2025 17:19

Account734 · 14/08/2025 17:15

Well done OP!! You asked them a question and they lied because they knew what your answer would be. Huge respect to you for standing up to that vile bully.

Ok that’s the word. I felt bullied by him. You know what I am too old to be bullied by men. He will definitely think twice before trying that again with a lone woman.

OP posts:
Dublassie · 14/08/2025 17:20

Crazy stuff !! Did you expect the man to stand and eat because you wanted a free seat beside you ???
You sound bonkers - bossing people around in a market cafe 😂.
And because he wasn't standing for your nonsense you make it into a men versus women issue .....

Inshockandsome · 14/08/2025 17:20

I would not take up a whole table in the first place just to myself. It’s just selfish and rude when it’s so busy. I would expect to share the table - and wouldn’t be dictating who can sit there….

Sunshineismyfavourite · 14/08/2025 17:21

You are both unreasonable.

The irony of you calling him entitled is interesting. It was a table for 4, in a market not a fancy restaurant. I don't think he handled himself in the best way but your post also comes across as pretty agressive tbh so he most probably riled him with your reaction. I don't think this a women being treated badly situation rather two people (you and the man) both being stubborn and argumentative.