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AIBU?

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Original poster

Soft parenting or is my OH being unreasonable?

167 replies

FluentAquaMoose · 14/08/2025 15:58

I have taken the plunge and my partner has moved in.

Family Dynamics - Myself, my 23 DD which is due to move back to uni to complete her Masters, my 21 dd who lives with her bf, my ds 17, dog and mog. I'm divorced, was married for 19 years. House is tidy but lived in if that makes sense.

Partner - divorced 2 years. His ex wife was apparently OCD, everything had a place etc etc. Their house was tiny compared to the houses I have had and have now. Only 1 child who is 18.

Partner has only just moved in and i'm already on edge and just wanted to check first to see if i'm being unreasonable in how i'm feeling.

My kids - if 'we' (we work together) get home this evening and my son has had a drink of juice and left his glass on the side, my partner will stand and huff. If my son leaves a packet out, again he will huff. Tonight, when we go to bed, if the main bathroom light is left on, he will huff and be sarcastic. Now I can make a 'Blackpool Illuminations' comment but laugh it off too.

My daughter has scrambled eggs everyday and will put the pan in the dishwasher to which i will take it out and wash by hand. He made a comment yesterday and I replied that it's a quick job for me to wash it up by hand when he said that she should be doing it.

Shoes by the front door - one pair of trainers again leaves him hyperventilating.

I now feel like i'm constantly on at my kids - it's their home. They have been through enough shite over the years and they should be able to relax. The house is tidy and i'm now becoming obsessive that i'm nagging at my kids which is bourne by him.

At the moment my washing machine is broken so I've been taking a load to the laundromat to be done on my way home and he's been telling me that my eldest daughter should be doing hers not me.

Am I being unreasonable and should they be heard but not seen? Am I overthinking because i'm getting ready to tell my partner to pipe down. Life is about compromise and we are all learning to live together but he has admitted that he is letting these things get to him. Doesn't help his best friend is OCD and is constantly moaning about his stepdaughter.

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 14/08/2025 16:01

Why are you letting him huff and make all of these comments? He moved into your home, he needs to adjust.

However in your case I would tell him it is not working and he should move back out.

Crunchymum · 14/08/2025 16:01

Lordy. He needs to move back out ASAP.

He doesn't get to dictate rules in your house to your children.

HenDoNot · 14/08/2025 16:04

He’s hardly asking for the world, expecting a 23 year old woman to wash her own pan, and a 17 year old to put a glass in the dishwasher.

But I agree with PP, it’s not going to work out. He needs to move back out.

stuckupcat · 14/08/2025 16:04

Life is to short to put up with that kind of crap. Move him back out before you resent him and ruin your relationship with your kids.

Parksinyork · 14/08/2025 16:04

He has a lot of opinions about your kids.

I would be annoyed about the packet and glass because he is leaving them for you to tidy up. The trainers would irritate me but it isn’t the end of the world but you need to consider the opinions of everyone in the house.

Aligirlbear · 14/08/2025 16:05

Your home your rules - it sounds like your home is normal and lived in as it should be. If he wants to live in a show home let him move out into one.

bumblebramble · 14/08/2025 16:05

Adjusting to each other’s stuff habits is one thing. But getting involved in each other’s parenting is an over reach.

LadyDanburysHat · 14/08/2025 16:05

The more I read your OP, why on earth are you on at your kids to try and appease him, rather than telling him to shut it? Why are you putting his comfort above your kids?

Chompingatthebeat · 14/08/2025 16:06

HenDoNot · 14/08/2025 16:04

He’s hardly asking for the world, expecting a 23 year old woman to wash her own pan, and a 17 year old to put a glass in the dishwasher.

But I agree with PP, it’s not going to work out. He needs to move back out.

Its not his place to hector the kids, he sounds unbearable

Noelshighflyingturds · 14/08/2025 16:06

Where did he live before you rehomed him?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 14/08/2025 16:06

HenDoNot · 14/08/2025 16:04

He’s hardly asking for the world, expecting a 23 year old woman to wash her own pan, and a 17 year old to put a glass in the dishwasher.

But I agree with PP, it’s not going to work out. He needs to move back out.

But op has lived her life happily with her kids. Now he’s interfering.

A 17 year old leaving a glass is just normal.

yeesh · 14/08/2025 16:07

he needs to move back out. I wouldn’t have a random block huffing and puffing at my kids (even if they are a pain in the arse). Your home should be happy and relaxed not full of tension worrying about what he will find next to complain about.

Aimtodobetter · 14/08/2025 16:08

His emotional maturity level is extraordinarily low if he thinks that having moved in with you and your family in your home he is not going to destroy any chance of a decent relationship with your kids by being a huffy monster. He should have been coming in super slowly and prioritising keeping things the same for them - not prioritising his own desire for perfect cleanliness. He also doesn’t get to tell you how to parent your children (gentle suggestions - sure - but that doesn’t sound like how it has gone). I wouldn’t throw him out for being OCD but I absolutely would throw him out for prioritising his desire for perfect cleanliness over building a positive dynamic with your kids (who must kind of loathe him already unless they are the world’s most forgiving teenagers/young adults). Even if you can get him to adjust and behave in a way you can be comfortable with, my guess is he has blown any chance of your kids having a decent relationship with him surely which in my book would mean the relationship was dead?

IdaGlossop · 14/08/2025 16:09

I would have a problem with him thinking he can dictate what happens in your and your DC's home. I would have even more of a problem with the sarcasm and huffing and puffing. If you value your DCs feeling at home in their home, I think you need to ask him to move out.

Beamur · 14/08/2025 16:09

This isn't going to work.
He's being deeply unreasonable and massively overstepping. How dare he. Your kids are going to end up hating him and wishing you hadn't moved him in.
Don't call being tidy OCD either. OCD is a deeply debilitating mental health condition. Being a clean freak is a choice.

Dabberlocks · 14/08/2025 16:10

This is nothing to do with soft parenting. He is not their parent. He does not get to parent, or to huff and puff at things which displease him.

He's only just moved in and does not get to make the rules. He can jolly well huff and puff his way out again.

Mooflon12 · 14/08/2025 16:11

Ew ew ew. I get annoyed enough by comments like this from my own husband who has been there from the beginning.

Please get rid of him I cannot bear people who make problems for the sake of it. It's your house and your children!!

Zimunya · 14/08/2025 16:12

Crunchymum · 14/08/2025 16:01

Lordy. He needs to move back out ASAP.

He doesn't get to dictate rules in your house to your children.

Edited

This sums it up perfectly.

hshshshhdaujhwgwva · 14/08/2025 16:12

I think he has a point about doing your eldests washing or tidying up after her… she’s 23 and a grown adult. I appreciate that while you are going to the laundrette it probably is easier to just take hers too but in the normal state of affairs she should be doing her own washing.

But leaving a glass out or some shoes by the door isn’t ok for him to huff about. Cooking a whole meal and not tidying up the kitchen after? Yes he could get justifiably annoyed about that. But a glass on the side? He needs to get a grip and be sensible about what is reasonable.

verycloakanddaggers · 14/08/2025 16:13

You need to think about your kids. You've lived happily together in your family home for all these years. Now someone else has moved in and made their home uncomfortable.

I think this experiment has probably been useful but it doesn't sound like it's fair on your kids to have to share their home with this person.

Lucyintheskywithdiamonnds · 14/08/2025 16:14

He’s a dick. He needs to move back out.

aWeeCornishPastie · 14/08/2025 16:15

What the first poster said !

Dabberlocks · 14/08/2025 16:15

hshshshhdaujhwgwva · 14/08/2025 16:12

I think he has a point about doing your eldests washing or tidying up after her… she’s 23 and a grown adult. I appreciate that while you are going to the laundrette it probably is easier to just take hers too but in the normal state of affairs she should be doing her own washing.

But leaving a glass out or some shoes by the door isn’t ok for him to huff about. Cooking a whole meal and not tidying up the kitchen after? Yes he could get justifiably annoyed about that. But a glass on the side? He needs to get a grip and be sensible about what is reasonable.

He doesn't have a point. It is none of his damn business, and he has no right to tell anyone what to do or not do.

This man seems to have moved himself in and taken on the role of Master of the House and the Man who Wears the Trousers. Stuff that for a game of soldiers.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 14/08/2025 16:15

Well he hasn't long entered the door he knows the way out...
He is judging your parenting your dc.
He doesn't get to do that imo.
He can huff off. That huffy behaviour will give you ick pdq

.

Starlight1984 · 14/08/2025 16:15

Noelshighflyingturds · 14/08/2025 16:06

Where did he live before you rehomed him?

😂