Soft parenting or is my OH being unreasonable?

[FluentAquaMoose]

I have taken the plunge and my partner has moved in.

Family Dynamics - Myself, my 23 DD which is due to move back to uni to complete her Masters, my 21 dd who lives with her bf, my ds 17, dog and mog. I'm divorced, was married for 19 years. House is tidy but lived in if that makes sense.

Partner - divorced 2 years. His ex wife was apparently OCD, everything had a place etc etc. Their house was tiny compared to the houses I have had and have now. Only 1 child who is 18.

Partner has only just moved in and i'm already on edge and just wanted to check first to see if i'm being unreasonable in how i'm feeling.

My kids - if 'we' (we work together) get home this evening and my son has had a drink of juice and left his glass on the side, my partner will stand and huff. If my son leaves a packet out, again he will huff. Tonight, when we go to bed, if the main bathroom light is left on, he will huff and be sarcastic. Now I can make a 'Blackpool Illuminations' comment but laugh it off too.

My daughter has scrambled eggs everyday and will put the pan in the dishwasher to which i will take it out and wash by hand. He made a comment yesterday and I replied that it's a quick job for me to wash it up by hand when he said that she should be doing it.

Shoes by the front door - one pair of trainers again leaves him hyperventilating.

I now feel like i'm constantly on at my kids - it's their home. They have been through enough shite over the years and they should be able to relax. The house is tidy and i'm now becoming obsessive that i'm nagging at my kids which is bourne by him.

At the moment my washing machine is broken so I've been taking a load to the laundromat to be done on my way home and he's been telling me that my eldest daughter should be doing hers not me.

Am I being unreasonable and should they be heard but not seen? Am I overthinking because i'm getting ready to tell my partner to pipe down. Life is about compromise and we are all learning to live together but he has admitted that he is letting these things get to him. Doesn't help his best friend is OCD and is constantly moaning about his stepdaughter.

He needs to back off and you need to think about if you even want him in your home anymore.

He needs to move back out immediately.

How long have you been with this guy before moving him in? How did you not have a clue he was like this?

He sounds like a fucking controlling hypercritical nag. He wants you to do things his way when he just moved in.

No way could I live like this.

I’m thinking his ex wife didn’t have OCD, but was ground down to such an extent she kept a showroom type house to keep the peace with him. He sounds awful. Stand your ground now or have a lifetime of emotional abuse

Oh fart - its'a WhatThreeWords poster, isn't it?

He's moved in and now wants to rule the roost. Tell him he either adjust his attitude to fit in or he moves out.

I mean, I have OCD and all that stuff would annoy me a little bit too (although I wouldn't be hyperventilating over shoes being left by a door 😂).

HOWEVER, if I had just moved into someone else's house then I wouldn't have the nerve to be commenting on it! Bit different when it's your own house / husband / kids!

Also, it / he sounds miserable as sin. You can't have been together long (if he's only been divorced 2 years)? Shouldn't it be all lovely and fun and easy at this stage???

So what you're saying is that you amd the rest of the family were happier before he moved in and started huffing like his preference is law?

Move him out. Tell him you'll revisit it in a few years. And then never move in with him again.

Outraged that after such a short time he feels able to act so entitled.

This really tickled me.

Op, honestly the fact he's behaving this way and he's telling you his ex had OCD is ringing alarm bells for me. I'm thinking he's actually put her under intense pressure to achieve OCD standards and potentially was abusive towards her.

I think, yes you perhaps are doing too much for your kids and they need to step up more. But the way in which he's approached this is the red flag. Its one thing for him to just get on with it and pitch in rather than huffing and leaving it for you and then say to you later, do you not think it might be time that x starts doing her own washing to take a load off you etc. It's quite another to huff and sulk and demand that your kids live to his standards in your home.

Obviously there's a big adjustment to be made moving in with young adults/ teens and into a family home etc, but that's what he signed up for and while I think it's fair to have differences in standards, his attitude to it stinks and yes I'd be inclined to move him back out again.

Well - you surely must have realised what he was going to be like given his history.

And expecting adults (or nearly adults) to be able to wash up a pan is hardly expecting the moon on a stick.

Perhaps he can see what you can’t - that your children are lazy and expect you to do everything? Perhaps he doesn’t like seeing you being treated like that.

It’s up to you whether you want to all talk this through like adults or throw him out.

I wouldn't tell him to pipe down, I would tell him to move back out.

Begone!!
Or words to that effect…

I would ask him to move out without a doubt.

But I would also use it as a chance to look if maybe you are taking on much more than your fair share of work in a household of adults.

And it's fuck all to do with your parenting.

The parent/child/partner dynamic is confusing you.

You and (almost) three other adults were perfectly happy living together before he moved in. If he was a lodger, he'd be given notice.

It's none of his business and I wouldn't put up with his huffing and puffing but why don't you just tell your daughter that the pan needs to be handwashed (by her).

I would be telling him to move back out again. It’s not going to work and your kids won’t feel welcome in their own home

Do you take his laundry to the launderette too or does he insist on doing it himself?

OCD is NOT liking things tidy, it is NOT a personality trait. It is a much misquoted, misunderstood, debilitating illness comprised of a cycle of intrusive, distressing thoughts where the sufferer tried to mitigate their by performing compulsions.
It is not " tutting" at lights left on.
It is not " huffing" at dirty pans.

It sounds to me like your DP is just an inflexible, rigid thinker who cannot accept he does not have control over things

Quite agree.
She was probably just trying to keep this gonk from creating an atmosphere.

How quickly can you move him back out !
He is very critical.

Tell him to shut up, deal with it. Or move out. Surely he has stayed over and knows how the house is run usually. Shouldn’t have been a surprise to him?

I think most of his points are valid to be fair but that doesn’t suit how you’ve lived up to now and your dynamic with your children.

I don’t think you’re compatible at this stage - you have three adult children at home and it sounds like he wants to live like a couple with no kids.

I would handle it calmly and respectfully but explain it doesn’t work in the current set up. He moves out and you also invest more time in getting your adult children to be just a bit more independent.

17 yo is very literal. If I ask him to bring his pots down to the kitchen he will. If I ask to bring down and put in the dishwasher , he will then put them in the dishwasher. Yes it annoys my but it doesn't really irritate me to my wits end.

I am going to be having words with OH as he does need to learn to accept us and realise that we are not going to live like he lived with his ex and son. I'm much more relaxed.

Was it really his ex that had the OCD……?

Not in my house it's not.

We have omelette pans that can't go in the dishwasher, my son has been washing them when he uses them since about age 13. He doesn't leave dirty cups or glasses out on the side or empty crisps or biscuit packets around the house, waiting for someone else to pick them up.

They are clearly not compatible. He doesn't want to live with lazy kids.

Hopefully he can move out quickly.

That's what I have asked him to be fair. I think they are both like it with controlling traits. He needs to drop all of that with me.