Soft parenting or is my OH being unreasonable?

[FluentAquaMoose]

I have taken the plunge and my partner has moved in.

Family Dynamics - Myself, my 23 DD which is due to move back to uni to complete her Masters, my 21 dd who lives with her bf, my ds 17, dog and mog. I'm divorced, was married for 19 years. House is tidy but lived in if that makes sense.

Partner - divorced 2 years. His ex wife was apparently OCD, everything had a place etc etc. Their house was tiny compared to the houses I have had and have now. Only 1 child who is 18.

Partner has only just moved in and i'm already on edge and just wanted to check first to see if i'm being unreasonable in how i'm feeling.

My kids - if 'we' (we work together) get home this evening and my son has had a drink of juice and left his glass on the side, my partner will stand and huff. If my son leaves a packet out, again he will huff. Tonight, when we go to bed, if the main bathroom light is left on, he will huff and be sarcastic. Now I can make a 'Blackpool Illuminations' comment but laugh it off too.

My daughter has scrambled eggs everyday and will put the pan in the dishwasher to which i will take it out and wash by hand. He made a comment yesterday and I replied that it's a quick job for me to wash it up by hand when he said that she should be doing it.

Shoes by the front door - one pair of trainers again leaves him hyperventilating.

I now feel like i'm constantly on at my kids - it's their home. They have been through enough shite over the years and they should be able to relax. The house is tidy and i'm now becoming obsessive that i'm nagging at my kids which is bourne by him.

At the moment my washing machine is broken so I've been taking a load to the laundromat to be done on my way home and he's been telling me that my eldest daughter should be doing hers not me.

Am I being unreasonable and should they be heard but not seen? Am I overthinking because i'm getting ready to tell my partner to pipe down. Life is about compromise and we are all learning to live together but he has admitted that he is letting these things get to him. Doesn't help his best friend is OCD and is constantly moaning about his stepdaughter.

Sorry OP, I have high standards, less makes me a little edgy.

One glass, one packet, one pan that one go your kids has done what they thought was the right thing with? Some shoes? Please… this is ridiculous, none of this constitutes ‘mess’.

The fight over it takes more time than just picking the item up and putting it away! I couldn’t be arsed to get myself worked up over such simple things, I really couldn’t. He need to take chill pill or move into somewhere sterile and unhomely!

You need to talk to him and quick. Either he chills or he will have to move out. His attitude will (is?) causing family tension with the children, and stress for you which isn't on.

TBH the leaving lights on, packets continually left out and the daily scrambled egg pan would piss me off too, as I do feel your kids are young adults and should be able to clear up after themselves.
That said, it's their home and the way you do things, so I wouldn't have moved in in the first place. He'll have to go, I'm afraid.

Yes me too! A glass doesn't need to go in the wash after a single use. So glad I don't live like this. I have higher standards than DH but I still don't get myself in a tizz about shoes by the door and glasses on the side, id never stop moaning at everyone and that is not a relaxing or healthy way to live for anyone.

Anyway, back to the Op, he needs to move out. It is so unfair on your children

I couldn’t put up his behaviour as it is totally opposite to how you are so i can’t see this relationship lasting, bit chalk and cheese. My adult DD lives at home and I don’t clean up after her, she also does her own washing and if she leaves stuff on the kitchen sides I say don’t forget to tidy that please. I have never liked clutter though, could not stand the toys everywhere stage and I need things to be in their place.

While I don’t disagree with people saying he shouldn’t be behaving in this way, have you considered it from another angle… It appears from your post that his huffs are mostly about situations where your older kids are taking advantage of you or being entitled. It sounds to me like he cares about you and he’s actually concerned for your wellbeing. Why should you be clearing up after kids that age when you get home from work? They’re not babies! However misguided his behaviour is, I don’t think it’s about any OCD or a need for the house to be tidy, but more about how much extra you have to do because the kids can’t do the bare minimum and put a packet in the bin or wash a saucepan 🤷🏻‍♀️

This. It’s not working, simple as that. Put the children first as you say they’ve already had it difficult.

Pointless you being on tenterhooks, you will end up resenting him for making you anxious and ruining your relationship with your kids. Is it worth it?

It shouldn’t be normal. It’s normal to expect nearly adults to clean up after themselves.

His expectations (pan cleaned by the person who used it for example) wouldn’t bother me but the huffing would. I can’t be doing with stress heads like that so I’d want him to move back out. I wouldn’t want tension like that in my home.

Dishwashers can cope with pans that have had scrambled eggs in them. I very rarely wash anything by hand.
I would go with your house, your rules.

Sounds like he had the OCD, not his Ex.

I’d hate to live on edge like this, and make my DC feel like they couldn’t relax in their own home.

I’d ask him to move out so we could live in peace.

This bears repeating.

OCD can be a hugely debilitating condition.
This doesn’t really sound like it though? Not in the case of OP’s partner anyway.
OCPD maybe…

The term OCD is casually bandied about far too much unfortunately.

Definitely not OCD. Sounds controlling to me tbh.

Ours can't.

No way can my dishwasher cope with a scrambled egg pan 😅

Why Move him in to your house?
Men tend to behave better if they are at arms length. I just don’t see the value of moving a man in to your home when you have kids.
There will always be issues. And you will always be asked to choose.
Just my opinion. Not trying to often the lucky view xx

This. We all need to pick our battles. I can’t imagine turning my house into a battlefield over this sort of stuff - it’s just not worth it. It needs nipping in the bud OP, and if he can’t stop, then he needs to move back out again. I’m sorry.