Soft parenting or is my OH being unreasonable?

[FluentAquaMoose]

I have taken the plunge and my partner has moved in.

Family Dynamics - Myself, my 23 DD which is due to move back to uni to complete her Masters, my 21 dd who lives with her bf, my ds 17, dog and mog. I'm divorced, was married for 19 years. House is tidy but lived in if that makes sense.

Partner - divorced 2 years. His ex wife was apparently OCD, everything had a place etc etc. Their house was tiny compared to the houses I have had and have now. Only 1 child who is 18.

Partner has only just moved in and i'm already on edge and just wanted to check first to see if i'm being unreasonable in how i'm feeling.

My kids - if 'we' (we work together) get home this evening and my son has had a drink of juice and left his glass on the side, my partner will stand and huff. If my son leaves a packet out, again he will huff. Tonight, when we go to bed, if the main bathroom light is left on, he will huff and be sarcastic. Now I can make a 'Blackpool Illuminations' comment but laugh it off too.

My daughter has scrambled eggs everyday and will put the pan in the dishwasher to which i will take it out and wash by hand. He made a comment yesterday and I replied that it's a quick job for me to wash it up by hand when he said that she should be doing it.

Shoes by the front door - one pair of trainers again leaves him hyperventilating.

I now feel like i'm constantly on at my kids - it's their home. They have been through enough shite over the years and they should be able to relax. The house is tidy and i'm now becoming obsessive that i'm nagging at my kids which is bourne by him.

At the moment my washing machine is broken so I've been taking a load to the laundromat to be done on my way home and he's been telling me that my eldest daughter should be doing hers not me.

Am I being unreasonable and should they be heard but not seen? Am I overthinking because i'm getting ready to tell my partner to pipe down. Life is about compromise and we are all learning to live together but he has admitted that he is letting these things get to him. Doesn't help his best friend is OCD and is constantly moaning about his stepdaughter.

Because she’s one of those. Those women who puts their men before their kids.

op you should be embarrassed.

someone here needs to tell you what to do? You have adult kids and a parent for a long time and you need someone to tell you?

He needs to huff and puff away

I’m edging on your DP’s side here but it might be better to stay living separately!

The actual tidying, it would annoy me too. It’s just as easy to put a glass into the dishwasher as put it on the side. Same with putting packets and shoes away. And why are you taking things out of the dishwasher to wash them by hand?! That’s entirely what a dishwasher is for. Lights should be switched off.

Yes, it’s your kids home and they should be able to relax there. But in inviting your partner to move in, it becomes his home too and he should also be able to relax there.

Telling him to pipe down is not a solution. Nor is his friend or ex having OCD relevant to him wanting a basic level of tidying. Compromise is needed for living together to work. But unless everyone can compromise a little, it may be better to live apart until all of your kids have left home.

He sounds insufferable, but also more fool you for running around after your "kids" so much. They're not children, they're adults. You're a mug for doing all the washing up and laundry.

OCD is NOT having controlling traits.

Controlling traits are a personality characteristic. To some degree they are a choice. An unpleasant one at that.

OCD is a debilitating mental illness.

I wish people would learn the difference and stop dropping OCD into conversations as a quirky adjective .

I sometimes put a glass on the side as I might re-use it during the day. I think living in fear of a glass on the side or trainers by the door because you are worried about someone's reaction sounds like a miserable way to live.

He needs to move out, let me guess he’s not contributing either?

Maybe you need to be moving him back out before it becomes too big a job to tackle

None of his business how your children live in their own home

How long have you been with the control freak? Did he visit much before he moved in? Did his personality change overnight when he got his feet under the table. There's so many questions as to what he's doing, I can't quite fathom how feels the need to run your house with a rod of iron. The frightening thing is this is very early days, could this be his best behaviour? He'd be gone, I'd tell him sorry chuck it's my way or the highway, off you go

People don't just 'drop' aspects of their personality for a new partner. They might pretend to for a while.

Regardless of whether his tidiness expectations are reasonable, his reaction is not. All that pathetic huffing and puffing would put me right off a partner tbh.

What makes you think that he is going to change for you?

Get rid of him for goodness sake. What kind of "man" moves in with a mother and a family and then proceeds to make everyone's life miserable. It's your home. Why can't he live out?

He's moving into a family home. He needs to flex to how your family lives.

You are clearly happy doing what you do for your adult DC.

He accepts that or moves back out

You're all learning to live together, but imho your kids come first! He should be more gracious, realise he's still the 'newbie' (though of course it is now his home too, so he at least needs to feel welcome and comfortable) but he shouldn't be figuratively 'marking his territory' so to speak. Personally I think he's moved in too soon. Good luck with it all though, hope it works out happily for everyone 😊

My household is also really big and chaotic and my young adult DC do not always do what I would like them to do but DP and I work as a team to get everything done. I wouldn’t like this huffing either. You know what so what if you are too soft at this age of your DC, there is not much practical mothering left to do before they all leave and don’t need you anymore.

I enjoy it, it’s just how I show my affection and my DP appreciates it not criticises it.

I understand that it’s actually making yourself physically useful as a parent to your DC before they fly the nest and still being a mum that’s happening and this guy is being a PITA and doesn’t get it

My household is also really big and chaotic and my young adult DC do not always do what I would like them to do but DP and I work as a team to get everything done. I wouldn’t like this huffing either. You know what so what if you are too soft at this age of your DC, there is not much practical mothering left to do before they all leave and don’t need you anymore.

I enjoy it, it’s just how I show my affection and my DP appreciates it not criticises it.

I understand that it’s actually making yourself physically useful as a parent to your DC before they fly the nest and still being a mum that’s happening and this guy is being a PITA and doesn’t get it

Well you are clearly not compatible and he needs to move out but I think I'd be quite irritated that you were hand washing a pan, used by your 23 year old daughter, every single day. Presumably you have told her it's not dishwasher safe but she keeps putting it in there and you keep washing it up for her.

Sorry OP, I know it's not the done thing but I've just read one of your previous threads,

This man was a walking red flag from the start. I can't believe you actually moved him in.

Get him out, and stay single for a looooooong time.

Eew this is deeply unattractive in a man. How's your sex life ? Does he tell you to tidy after yourself jn the bedroom too?
Do a months trial, if your children are suffering and your home isn't your sanctuary of peace -he needs to go.

It's a bit concerning that he's started to moan about and try to control things in your home so soon after moving in (or at all)...God only knows what he'll be like when his feet are firmly under the table. Time for a rethink maybe...

Sweet Jesus, get rid... why do you even need another guy telling you and your kids what to do after 20 years of failed marriage? Sounds like you were happy with your kids before he moved in. Honestly, I wouldn't have the energy after so many years to deal with all these fights that come with a new male in the house. I'm surprised you keep making yourself miserable.

He's interfering with the rhythms and rituals of your family unit

I don't like the sound of his attitude. You have a nice set up where you are your kids are loving happily. I wouldn't have him in it.

Living!

Is he contributing financially at all?