Soft parenting or is my OH being unreasonable?

[FluentAquaMoose]

I have taken the plunge and my partner has moved in.

Family Dynamics - Myself, my 23 DD which is due to move back to uni to complete her Masters, my 21 dd who lives with her bf, my ds 17, dog and mog. I'm divorced, was married for 19 years. House is tidy but lived in if that makes sense.

Partner - divorced 2 years. His ex wife was apparently OCD, everything had a place etc etc. Their house was tiny compared to the houses I have had and have now. Only 1 child who is 18.

Partner has only just moved in and i'm already on edge and just wanted to check first to see if i'm being unreasonable in how i'm feeling.

My kids - if 'we' (we work together) get home this evening and my son has had a drink of juice and left his glass on the side, my partner will stand and huff. If my son leaves a packet out, again he will huff. Tonight, when we go to bed, if the main bathroom light is left on, he will huff and be sarcastic. Now I can make a 'Blackpool Illuminations' comment but laugh it off too.

My daughter has scrambled eggs everyday and will put the pan in the dishwasher to which i will take it out and wash by hand. He made a comment yesterday and I replied that it's a quick job for me to wash it up by hand when he said that she should be doing it.

Shoes by the front door - one pair of trainers again leaves him hyperventilating.

I now feel like i'm constantly on at my kids - it's their home. They have been through enough shite over the years and they should be able to relax. The house is tidy and i'm now becoming obsessive that i'm nagging at my kids which is bourne by him.

At the moment my washing machine is broken so I've been taking a load to the laundromat to be done on my way home and he's been telling me that my eldest daughter should be doing hers not me.

Am I being unreasonable and should they be heard but not seen? Am I overthinking because i'm getting ready to tell my partner to pipe down. Life is about compromise and we are all learning to live together but he has admitted that he is letting these things get to him. Doesn't help his best friend is OCD and is constantly moaning about his stepdaughter.

Nope. he’s got to go.

and please take a look at your own behaviour OP.
why on earth do you think it is ok to harangue your children when they have done nothing wrong?
Ask yourself why you are finding it so hard to stand up to him when he’s clearly making you feel uncomfortable in your own house, and yet he has absolutely no qualms about asserting his dominance.

Is he paying significantly towards your mortgage and does he also keep his own property?

Oh @FluentAquaMoose I had a look too. Mate. You've got issues. Bin this man off and work on them before you jump into another relationship.

Is he trying to get your kids to leave home perhaps?

This. His issue he needs to adjust or ship out. You can't suddenly tell adults that the way they behave in their own home is now unacceptable.

A glass on the side and a pan in the dishwasher and he’s kicking off?

Fuck that.

Op you need to be more assertive here! Your previous posts about him clearly showed trust issues and controlling behaviour. You’ve also mentioned you are in counselling.
Your bf does not get to dictate the house rules in any house - it should be a compromise. But he has moved into your family home and it is on him to adjust to your routines and he should not be dictating so much at all. He certainly should not make your children feel like walking on (very neat) egg shells in their own family home.

Do your children like him?
Does your bf contribute half the bills and food? (He should NOT be on your mortgage or rent.)
Has he improved with trust and control issues generally?
Does him living with you generally improve your life?

Assuming you are answering yes to all of the above then talk to him and work out a compromise and boundaries so he is not being a huffy idiot. If he continues being a huffy idiot he moves out. And if you answered no to any of the above don’t even bother!

ps he is a bf - not oh.

Yeah, if he is controlling, he will just drop all of that with you. 🤦🏻‍♀️

He has one choice, accept this is how your family lives, or moves out. You won’t change anything.

But, as you are already walking on eggshells, I suspect you will continue to do things to keep him happy and it will be death by 1000 paper cuts.

Had he not spent much time at your home before he moved in? Did he not know what the general vibe was? He should have known what to expect, surely.
By moving him in you have made your home his home, and he now feels entitled to an opinion, because it’s his home too: he is no longer a guest.
I think you need to sit down and agree what’s ok and what’s not, with a bit of give and take on all sides. It’s not ok for him to dictate what goes on and it’s not fair to expect him to slot in without a say.

He sounds just awful! Why would you bring such a nag into everyone’s lives. He either has to stop with the passive aggressive huffing and puffing/ backseat parenting or find his own place. Don’t let a moody man ruin the last few years you have with your kids at home.

Idk who’s reasonable in this situation.

They’re adults and they are responsible for their own mess and laundry. But equally, it’s not really for him to fuss about if you’ve opted to take the household laundry while the machine is broken. As long as your kids are willing to help out. I do think your daughter should be washing her own pan, etc. I’m guessing she just thinks it can be washed by the dishwasher, so why don’t you just tell her that she needs to quickly hand wash it every morning because otherwise you’re doing it (even if you don’t mind doing it, it doesn’t really set a good example if you just do it for her).

My 6 year old knows to put his shoes away because that’s what I’ve taught him to do, but sometimes he forgets so I remind him. Tbh I don’t really expect that to change, even as he gets older, because I also sometimes forget to put things away and that’s normal for most people.

Basically, as long as they’re not messy and you don’t mind the occasional cup being left on the side then he needs to chill out. If it’s everyday and they regularly forget to tidy after themselves, then you probably need to have higher expectations of your adult kids in the home.

@FluentAquaMoose "He needs to drop all of that with me."

He's not going to. He isn't going to change and the control will only get worse as he gets older and more embedded in your home. You're setting yourself and your kids up for a life of misery and resentment. Just ask yourself this. Is his dick really worth losing your relationship with your children (and possibly your own self worth) over?

Just read your other posts too.

Why did you move him in when only a few months ago you were writing posts saying you had a bad feeling about him and all the posters told you to be wary?!

Throw that one back in the sea. He is rude and entitled and no wonder his wife left him.

Your kids are grown adults who should be capable of turning off a bloody light and putting their own cups in the dishwasher / washing their own pans. They're not children FFS, and you are being a complete doormat and infantilising them by doing all this stuff for them.

However, it's clear that your OH, based not just on this thread but your others about him, is an absolute nightmare of a man and your relationship is not healthy. He's insecure, needy and emotionally manipulative and now, it seems, also a whiny control freak. You also mention that you're both in counselling and that you have had abusive relationships in the past. Honestly, I think you'd be a lot better of being single, because you're just repeating the same pattern with this man.

I would invite him to move out. Immediately.

now you know why his wife had "OCD" she was walking on eggshells

So I think they shouldn't have to tremble in fear if they forget to put something away - like the glass or the trainers

But if they are routinely just scattering their belongings around the house and not picking up after themselves, I think that is poor behaviour.. and the scrambled egg pan suggests that is more where they are.

I also think your 23 year old should have offered to do take a turn doing the launderette run for everyone, rather than just expecting you to do it

Some of those things was annoying me too, but I wouldn't go around huffing and making ridiculous comments.
This is not going to work, so invite him to move back out. I can't imagine inviting and adjusting to this level of stress in my, currently, very peaceful home.

Tell him to move back out - you are not compatible in living together. Plus, how dare he say stuff about your daughter?

Presumably he’d spent plenty of time there before he moved in? He had ample time to assess how you live and whether that was right for him. But no, he’s moved in and decided to start throwing his weight around and changing things to suit him. I’d tell him to pack it in with immediate effect or find somewhere else to live.

This
These things would bother me , and they are simple to sort, and would take seconds.
If standards are different than a combined household should be delayed.

You don't move into someone else's house and start laying down the law. It isn't his place to criticise your kids. He either stops complaining or he moves out.

It isn't fair on your children as they will start to feel uncomfortable in their own home.

That shade a bit more light …..

OK, I’ve now looked at your other threads. This guy sounds like a nightmare but you seem to be completely incapable of seeing it, of having any boundaries etc etc etc. You’ve started multiple threads over the last 6 months about him.

You’re also in counselling.

You shouldn’t be in a relationship with him or anyone else for that matter, let alone live with him.

Go back and read your previous threads.

I think he is right. They are old enough to tidy up after themselves, and wash their own clothes.