Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Soft parenting or is my OH being unreasonable?

167 replies

FluentAquaMoose · 14/08/2025 15:58

I have taken the plunge and my partner has moved in.

Family Dynamics - Myself, my 23 DD which is due to move back to uni to complete her Masters, my 21 dd who lives with her bf, my ds 17, dog and mog. I'm divorced, was married for 19 years. House is tidy but lived in if that makes sense.

Partner - divorced 2 years. His ex wife was apparently OCD, everything had a place etc etc. Their house was tiny compared to the houses I have had and have now. Only 1 child who is 18.

Partner has only just moved in and i'm already on edge and just wanted to check first to see if i'm being unreasonable in how i'm feeling.

My kids - if 'we' (we work together) get home this evening and my son has had a drink of juice and left his glass on the side, my partner will stand and huff. If my son leaves a packet out, again he will huff. Tonight, when we go to bed, if the main bathroom light is left on, he will huff and be sarcastic. Now I can make a 'Blackpool Illuminations' comment but laugh it off too.

My daughter has scrambled eggs everyday and will put the pan in the dishwasher to which i will take it out and wash by hand. He made a comment yesterday and I replied that it's a quick job for me to wash it up by hand when he said that she should be doing it.

Shoes by the front door - one pair of trainers again leaves him hyperventilating.

I now feel like i'm constantly on at my kids - it's their home. They have been through enough shite over the years and they should be able to relax. The house is tidy and i'm now becoming obsessive that i'm nagging at my kids which is bourne by him.

At the moment my washing machine is broken so I've been taking a load to the laundromat to be done on my way home and he's been telling me that my eldest daughter should be doing hers not me.

Am I being unreasonable and should they be heard but not seen? Am I overthinking because i'm getting ready to tell my partner to pipe down. Life is about compromise and we are all learning to live together but he has admitted that he is letting these things get to him. Doesn't help his best friend is OCD and is constantly moaning about his stepdaughter.

OP posts:
Zoesherman · 16/08/2025 03:37

cbbo · 14/08/2025 16:31

Tell him to shut up, deal with it. Or move out. Surely he has stayed over and knows how the house is run usually. Shouldn’t have been a surprise to him?

That’s not how it works tho . in the honeymoon period he must of put an act of being nice as pie otherwise she would never of invited him to move in . But once he moved in that’s when he shows his tru colors and acts like the dick he is. He will get worse unless the OP chucks him out !

Zoesherman · 16/08/2025 03:40

HerecomesMargo · 14/08/2025 16:38

Because she’s one of those. Those women who puts their men before their kids.

op you should be embarrassed.

someone here needs to tell you what to do? You have adult kids and a parent for a long time and you need someone to tell you?

Show quote history

It’s well sad . I see it so much in Britain. Children are always the ones who suffer in this. One poster a while back was more worried about the pets than the kids when blending the family’s. 🙄

Zoesherman · 16/08/2025 03:43

ChaliceinWonderland · 14/08/2025 16:55

Eew this is deeply unattractive in a man. How's your sex life ? Does he tell you to tidy after yourself jn the bedroom too?
Do a months trial, if your children are suffering and your home isn't your sanctuary of peace -he needs to go.

A month is way too long. ….She should give him
s few more days tops

Zoesherman · 16/08/2025 03:46

rolloverbeethoven · 14/08/2025 17:13

Is he trying to get your kids to leave home perhaps?

i reckon he is and what’s the betting he’d then demand rights to own half the house she owns? Men like him quickly see women like her coming ….

Zoesherman · 16/08/2025 03:51

Heronwatcher · 14/08/2025 17:20

He sounds just awful! Why would you bring such a nag into everyone’s lives. He either has to stop with the passive aggressive huffing and puffing/ backseat parenting or find his own place. Don’t let a moody man ruin the last few years you have with your kids at home.

I Agree so much. This happened to my best friend. I told her not to allow her nasty live in boyfriend to
ruin the last few years of her daughters childhood. Long story. It took her TWO years to actually chuck the nasty idiot out. But a-lot damage was done already. The daughter is now 18…

Zoesherman · 16/08/2025 03:54

Spinmerightroundbaby · 15/08/2025 18:16

Agree with the first part. There is massive hyperbole with what OP has written. He just wants adults - and this is the important part, they are adults - to actually clean up after themselves.

Show quote history

He can live on his own or pay a servant if he wants showroom posh house. 😂 it’s not his right to tell her kids of but she’s no better for moving him in 😡

beachcitygirl · 16/08/2025 03:55

He sounds unbearable

Zoesherman · 16/08/2025 04:00

GiveDogBone · 15/08/2025 22:09

The poor guy has spent 15+ years living with his ex-wife’s OCD. He’s probably suffering from PTSD. Of course the MN man-haters are telling you to end the relationship and boot him out, but he just needs some help to get over it.

And the comments about it being your house, your children, etc are completely wide of the mark, did you invite him in as a lodger, or as your partner?

BTW, as others have noted, the underlying substance of his complaints are entirely justified. So yes, you are a soft parent.

Edited

How do you no what the truth is? men like him aoeays lie about there ex wife’s. I reckon he was the neat freak and bullied her to be a neat freak. These vile men are always the hero’s in there story’s and there ex wives are always the baddy’s .,🚩🚩🚩🚩

Zoesherman · 16/08/2025 04:01

OhcantthInkofaname · 15/08/2025 22:11

I don't think it was his wife that was OCD. I think he may be happier living elsewhere.

Totally agree

waterrat · 16/08/2025 04:27

He isn't actually ready to live with two young adults.

Perhaps you need to think about this much more realistically. You are fond of your kids quirks and happy to muddle along.

You have every right as its your home.

He is now living in a set up with you and two young adults He is not related to

It sounds like a terrible idea tbh. If he was single and fine without you why would he choose to live in your family home???

Lovehascomeandgone · 16/08/2025 05:04

Put your foot down right now OP. He is moving into your place with your kids. He doesn’t get an opinion or to make them uncomfortable in their home. He can fuck the fuck off. I’m shocked at the cheek of him to be honest. Nip this in the bud right now or it won’t end well for you or your relationship with your kids.

BlueFlowers5 · 16/08/2025 08:17

OP it's too soon for a newly moved in partner to be dictating to your kids and you.

Better still, it isn't going to work. He's OCD and doesn't love your DC.

Olu123 · 16/08/2025 08:27

Why can’t your kids tidy up after themselves?
you’ve said a few examples but I bet if we had his version there would be a lot more untidiness going on.
it's obviously not going to work between you two but you are the one living with adult kids who can’t put their rubbish away or clean a glass after use?!

Trustmyspleen · 16/08/2025 08:34

I think it's a bit of both. Your kids could maybe do a bit more e.g. wash up a pan. But also huffing over one pair of trainers and one glass is extreme. He needs to be told it's their house too and its never going to be perfectly tidy with kids. If he wants to live in a perfectly tidy house then he needs to get his own place.

user1492757084 · 16/08/2025 08:58

Op, your partner might have a point as to whether you should expect your adult daughter to wash her own frying pan and wash her own clothes. I would expect adult children to clean up after themselves. I would also expect that a 17 year old might do a chore or two.
However, it's your home and your rules. If you do not want to change the rules that is your choice and you need to be clear to your partner that he is out of line to expect you to.

I suggest that you wait another couple of years before sharing a home with him; wait for your DS to be living independently. You can both start afresh and make up rules and boundaries to suit just the two of you.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 16/08/2025 09:26

All the ones saying the dc are wrong do you actually have adult dc at home?
Works both ways... If it's the adult dc's home they can choose to leave a glass on the side for later. If they need to act like dc and do as they are told they wash it up.
Can't be both surely?
Currently have 2 adult dc at home.

Daisyochain · 16/08/2025 09:26

Well I must admit that some of these things would irritate me, others not so much.

I’d get really annoyed about the egg pan. My 17yo has a lot of scrambled eggs and I’ve told him he must wash the pan by hand. You can’t just chuck eggy pans in the dishwasher, they don’t clean properly and make everything stink.

A cup left on the side wouldn’t bother me particularly.

Washing - in our house everyone has a turn doing a wash load, but we just do everyone’s. Very petty imo to separate washing.

Shoes - I do ask everyone to put their shoes away but we all have one pair in the porch. But often we end up with a massive shoe collection in the porch and one of us just puts them all away. Usually that’s dh or ds.

Ultimately, it’s your home, if you’ve lived quite happily with your children then it isn’t really up to new man to move in and start upsetting everyone.

Everyone has different ways and rules and as long as everyone is happy that’s that.

Snakebite61 · 16/08/2025 09:30

FluentAquaMoose · 14/08/2025 15:58

I have taken the plunge and my partner has moved in.

Family Dynamics - Myself, my 23 DD which is due to move back to uni to complete her Masters, my 21 dd who lives with her bf, my ds 17, dog and mog. I'm divorced, was married for 19 years. House is tidy but lived in if that makes sense.

Partner - divorced 2 years. His ex wife was apparently OCD, everything had a place etc etc. Their house was tiny compared to the houses I have had and have now. Only 1 child who is 18.

Partner has only just moved in and i'm already on edge and just wanted to check first to see if i'm being unreasonable in how i'm feeling.

My kids - if 'we' (we work together) get home this evening and my son has had a drink of juice and left his glass on the side, my partner will stand and huff. If my son leaves a packet out, again he will huff. Tonight, when we go to bed, if the main bathroom light is left on, he will huff and be sarcastic. Now I can make a 'Blackpool Illuminations' comment but laugh it off too.

My daughter has scrambled eggs everyday and will put the pan in the dishwasher to which i will take it out and wash by hand. He made a comment yesterday and I replied that it's a quick job for me to wash it up by hand when he said that she should be doing it.

Shoes by the front door - one pair of trainers again leaves him hyperventilating.

I now feel like i'm constantly on at my kids - it's their home. They have been through enough shite over the years and they should be able to relax. The house is tidy and i'm now becoming obsessive that i'm nagging at my kids which is bourne by him.

At the moment my washing machine is broken so I've been taking a load to the laundromat to be done on my way home and he's been telling me that my eldest daughter should be doing hers not me.

Am I being unreasonable and should they be heard but not seen? Am I overthinking because i'm getting ready to tell my partner to pipe down. Life is about compromise and we are all learning to live together but he has admitted that he is letting these things get to him. Doesn't help his best friend is OCD and is constantly moaning about his stepdaughter.

Kids are definitely taking you for granted.
Maybe he's just being protective of you.

Pinkissmart · 16/08/2025 09:30

Everyone has opinions about things, but there's no need to let everyone KNOW them.

Your kids do sound irritating to live with, they are old enough to clean up after themselves and do it correctly. But not the point.

Was there not any indication of how he feels about their messiness before?
Did you not talk about any of this?

SUPerSaver721 · 16/08/2025 09:35

Kick him back out. You own the house your rules, not his rules. I would not let anyone huff and get annoyed at my children in my own house.

rainbowstardrops · 16/08/2025 09:41

What was he like towards your children and their ‘mess’ before he moved in?

BadLad · 16/08/2025 09:46

Moving in means he should have adjusted himself to fit the way the family already lived, rather than expecting them to change their system to suit him. Nobody forced him to move in.

sandwichlover93 · 16/08/2025 09:52

Not really the point of the thread but liking a tidy house isn’t OCD… OCD is a severe and enduring mental illness that can destroy people’s lives.

LondonPapa · 16/08/2025 10:00

FluentAquaMoose · 14/08/2025 16:37

That's what I have asked him to be fair. I think they are both like it with controlling traits. He needs to drop all of that with me.

Show quote history

I can’t see you’ve come back but please kick him out. It’ll only get worse.

Lassofnorth · 16/08/2025 10:11

I think the the OCD partner in his last relationship was him no? He says ir was his ex wife but..
My stepfather was like this and it really changed our happy easy going home life. Think on would be my advice.