Soft parenting or is my OH being unreasonable?

[FluentAquaMoose]

I have taken the plunge and my partner has moved in.

Family Dynamics - Myself, my 23 DD which is due to move back to uni to complete her Masters, my 21 dd who lives with her bf, my ds 17, dog and mog. I'm divorced, was married for 19 years. House is tidy but lived in if that makes sense.

Partner - divorced 2 years. His ex wife was apparently OCD, everything had a place etc etc. Their house was tiny compared to the houses I have had and have now. Only 1 child who is 18.

Partner has only just moved in and i'm already on edge and just wanted to check first to see if i'm being unreasonable in how i'm feeling.

My kids - if 'we' (we work together) get home this evening and my son has had a drink of juice and left his glass on the side, my partner will stand and huff. If my son leaves a packet out, again he will huff. Tonight, when we go to bed, if the main bathroom light is left on, he will huff and be sarcastic. Now I can make a 'Blackpool Illuminations' comment but laugh it off too.

My daughter has scrambled eggs everyday and will put the pan in the dishwasher to which i will take it out and wash by hand. He made a comment yesterday and I replied that it's a quick job for me to wash it up by hand when he said that she should be doing it.

Shoes by the front door - one pair of trainers again leaves him hyperventilating.

I now feel like i'm constantly on at my kids - it's their home. They have been through enough shite over the years and they should be able to relax. The house is tidy and i'm now becoming obsessive that i'm nagging at my kids which is bourne by him.

At the moment my washing machine is broken so I've been taking a load to the laundromat to be done on my way home and he's been telling me that my eldest daughter should be doing hers not me.

Am I being unreasonable and should they be heard but not seen? Am I overthinking because i'm getting ready to tell my partner to pipe down. Life is about compromise and we are all learning to live together but he has admitted that he is letting these things get to him. Doesn't help his best friend is OCD and is constantly moaning about his stepdaughter.

Ick

Totally not the point, they aren't his children and it's not on him to control their behaviour

Definitely aak him to move back out. He sounds awful

He seems to believe that someone, somewhere is judging house tidiness and he must win.

When actually your kids are quietly judging whether they feel welcome and loved in their home.

He has the wrong framework for success in his head.

Your kids will vote with their feet as soon as they are able.

What made you 'take the plunge ' OP?
Genuinely interested as I am a lone parent with teens and I honestly couldn't imagine moving a man into our home at this point in their lives. It would be weird and uncomfortable for them I'm sure. It's their home. You're a grown woman, surely if the relationship was meant to be cohabitation could have waited a few years?
I mean he sounds incredibly upright and you say you are laid back so how will that work? He's not going to suddenly become Mr laid-back, it's not his nature.

I would always prioritise my kids. Time to tell him to adjust or move out.

Why are you letting him treat your DC so poorly? He needs to go. It is THEIR home, not his. If you don't nip this you are going to have resentful children and possibly ruin your relationship with them. Stop putting your partner above your children.

I think you are turning this into something it isn’t. This isn’t a Victorian attitude towards noisy children. Your children aren’t even children - they are grown adults. It doesn’t sound like they’ve been trained to do basic picking up after themselves, I’m guessing you’ve always done it for them. It would annoy me too.

Agree with the first part. There is massive hyperbole with what OP has written. He just wants adults - and this is the important part, they are adults - to actually clean up after themselves.

Why on earth are you putting up with this nonsense? How long have you been with him if he’s only been divorced for 2 years? He already has you tiptoeing around him and you’re already trying to manage his outbursts. He will end up driving a wedge between you and your children.

Your house, your rules, end of.

Your home your rules.
I'd be asking him to move back to his ‘perfect’ home I'm afraid.

Ugh, sounds like he needs to move back out OP.

Right. I get it op, you’re used to your kids’ ways and you’ve learned to pick your battles. I’m in the same situation- adult kids and a tidy-ish house that’s lived in because life is too fucking short to be moaning every five seconds.

1. scrambled egg pans are a nightmare and I agree she should be hand washing them
2. trainers get left. Young adult kids are a work in progress and often don’t learn how annoying this is until they live with others who are worse. It’s annoying, yes, but it’s not a hill I would die on either.

as I said, you have to pick your battles and youve all got a familiar groove that works, even if it’s not perfect.

this man has just come in and started throwing orders around and frankly I’ll be telling him to move out. Life is too short for his kind of neurotic.

It’s time he fucked off to where he came from.

Did he spend so little time in your home that he didn’t notice any of this before he moved in? That will make him needing to move back out disappointing.

But if he’d seen how you all rub along together and has decided that is going to change now he lives there then I would be hurrying him out of the door

Get rid i've got 25 and 20 yr old sons he'd have a fit my house is like yours , bowls and glasses left i shift them straight away even though they say they will do it but thats my choice he has no right to make comments like that my ex did and we were married 25 yr but he was worse then them but he was never wrong

You won’t have a relationship with your kids if this carries on much longer. If things don’t suit him her moves out. He seems to have become quite controlling/passive aggressive very quickly.

Ask him to leave. This is not fair to you or your kids. You can still see each other, but keep your own spaces.

I don't think someone with significant OCD will change any time soon and I can understand why he finds it difficult to live with you.

However did he not have any chance to witness what your children's habits were like prior to moving in? There's no way they will, or should, change to suit him.

Tell him this clearly and if he can't cope, he can't be living with you.

The poor guy has spent 15+ years living with his ex-wife’s OCD. He’s probably suffering from PTSD. Of course the MN man-haters are telling you to end the relationship and boot him out, but he just needs some help to get over it.

And the comments about it being your house, your children, etc are completely wide of the mark, did you invite him in as a lodger, or as your partner?

BTW, as others have noted, the underlying substance of his complaints are entirely justified. So yes, you are a soft parent.

I don't think it was his wife that was OCD. I think he may be happier living elsewhere.

why do you need to move your nasty boyfriend into your and your kids home? He’s hates your kids. Put your kids first and bin him off. This will get worse. What if the huffing turning to hitting. Them kids will never forgive you if you choose him over them.

Im guessing bedsit/house share in a rough part of town. The OP said she has a big house and what’s the betting it’s in a nice area as well? . Hmmm… The boyfriend is a typical cocklodger ….

These women are so desperate for a man but put there poor kids last

Get a grip. It’s not his place to tell her stuff like that. What’s the betting he’d be happy to
let her slave after him tho? He hates her kids and his treatment of them will get worse if she allows him to Stay and torment them. Women like her suck