Mum says IABU using some of DD’s bits for baby boy due soon

[baby2incoming]

Hi everyone

I’m not going to drip feed so I’ll preface this by saying my Mum and I have a difficult relationship mostly, we are complete opposites in terms of personality and we’ve always clashed however she is a good Nan to DD and they have a great relationship so I stay civil for DD’s sake.

DD is 2, I’m due in 3 weeks with a baby boy.

Mum came over yesterday and I had his clothes and muslins etc drying ready to pack away and fill hospital bag.

Mum noticed that I had some pink muslins hanging to dry and asked me why as my 2yo no longer uses them, I said I was using for DS when he’s born (I have about 5 that aren’t stained and in perfect condition so they’ve been stored in case we ever had more). She told me I was ridiculous and couldn’t use pink muslins for a baby boy, I asked why and she got argumentative telling me people will assume he’s a girl bla bla, I explained I don’t really care to be honest, it’s to cover his neck if he dribbles milk/mop up any milky sick/swaddle him if it’s too hot for him to be swaddled in a blanket. She wasn’t happy and insisted she was going shopping to buy him some boy appropriate ones (what even is this?! He’s a baby for goodness sake). I have also topped up and bought some blue and white ones, I used to go through about 4 a day with DD as she was a sicky baby.

She then proceeded to ask me if that’s “all the babygrows and vests that I have for him and no outfits”. We’ve got 14 babygrows, 14 vests and 3 hats each in 3 different sizes (newborn mostly up to 8lb, up to 1 month mostly up to 11lbs and 0-3 months). We haven’t bought any outfits as DD’s were wasted, she was a May baby and lived in vests and babygrows for the first 3 months as it was what was most comfortable for her. I ended up giving most of her outfits away brand new with labels to the local mother and baby unit.

She is also aghast that we are reusing DD’s Moses basket (plain white and wicker), we’ve replaced the little mattress as like I said DD was a sicky baby so the mattress is fresh. I also haven’t bought a new changing mat or swing seat.

I ended up in tears last night to DH feeling guilty towards DS, I think hormones don’t help. DH told me to absolutely ignore her and if I did want to go and buy some new stuff like a new Moses basket then let’s do it as he didn’t want me upset, I don’t want to, we are fine for money so that’s not a factor I just would rather save it for days out etc rather than buy a load of stuff we’ve already got that’s in perfect condition.

Any advice on how to handle this? Am I wrong for reusing? This is 100% our last baby so once he’s grown out of all of this, it’ll all be going to charity anyway. Should I be buying more blue things?

Your DM is bonkers - just ignore her nonsense. Of course it’s fine to reuse whatever you can.
As for ‘outfits’ for a small baby, they’re usually just a waste of money, besides being less comfortable for the baby than babygros, or summer versions if it’s hot.

My Gdd1 at 3 months did wear a pretty little dress for dd and SiL’s wedding, but that was the extent of ‘outfits’ here! X

YANBU

your mother is being an idiot FFS think of the planet, assuming different sexes no one removes everything the first child has touched in case it somehow turns the second child into the same sex as the first.

the worst that is going to happen if you take ds out head to toe in pink is someone is going to ask what your daughters name is or how many weeks old she is! You just smile and say Thomas! Then you can all have a good laugh about it.

Are you sure she isn't jealous of you, OP? I often think that when a mother-daughter relationship is strained, and the mother is highly critical, it is usually rooted in jealousy.

Could your mother be feeling jealous that you are about to have another newborn in your family?

I'm not excusing her behaviour, btw. Just trying to help you make sense of it. How do you think she'd react if you called her out?

“Fine Mum, you can buy him all blue things if you are so worried. But personally I think it’s more important for my kids to grow up caring about the planet and understanding the importance of it recycling.” Job done and try to ignore her little snipes.

Loads of kids I know grow up wearing a lot of their siblings hand me downs - even the ones of opposite sex. Many boys like pink and many girls like dinosaurs or cars. Imo they only really start to notice the social gender stereotyping stuff more once they are about school age- your baby and likely even your toddler won’t care.

ETA: Also ime young kids are quick enough to correct you if you use the wrong pronouns for them (easy enough to do since longer hair is common now for boys too and loads of kids wear neutral coloured clothes as well) - they don’t seem to get offended like adults do and just say “I’m a boy/girl” in a matter of fact way.

This
Your mother is toxic and is looking for reasons to criticise and upset you.
Newsflash
You can do what you like, it's your baby

Just reply OK and change the subject
She wants to get you doubting and upset
Stop playing her game

Just to add
You are an adult
You don't need to JADE
Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

Just a flat OK or say nothing

How ridiculous!

My eldest DS struggled to sleep because he always threw his blanket and sheet off (he's 26 now for context). I went to a nearly new sale, saw a pink all in one sleep suit, bought it and he slept (literally) like a baby! His younger brother also slept extremely well in it!

It's only a colour!

I'm in the process of building savings. My 11yo's clothes are all away for my 6m old in a cupboard. My plan is buy hardly any clothes for my baby and build savings instead. This is responsible and environmentally friendly and your MIL has status anxiety. Buy her Alain de Botton's book for Christmas 🎁

Oh just ignore your mum. Or remind her that until very recent times, baby boys were dressed in pink and girls in blue.

You’d be unreasonable to buy new when you don’t need to.

My daughter used everything from her son for her daughter. I think its v sensible especially things like muslins. And the car seat is fine too. I suppose an older generation does delineate more but I think its great to re use. Stick to your guns

Almost all my baby stuff was second hand and I didn’t give a monkeys what “gender” the clothes was. I also agree outfits are daft at that age. I just clothed mine in body suits and sleep suits till they were at least 6 months. Your baby your choice. I’d be telling your mum to buy out

She's being both ridiculous and rude. Honestly, I would tell her that her opinion isn't worth anything on this so she might as well keep it to herself (she's not bothered about your feelings so why worry about offending her). Tell her you'll apologise if his penis falls off due to the proximity to pink but you're confident he'll be just fine 😉

Any advice on how to handle this

Just laugh, smile and nod and get on with your life. Honestly, do your future self a favour and just don't listen to this nonsense.

Just to make you feel better - my granny bought my mum a Moses basket for when she was pregnant with my older sister.

That Moses basket has been used for my sister, me, my niece and DD, and will be used for any grandchildren that come along.

Ignore your mum.

Exactly. Some passing person who's walking by in the hospital or park. Who cares? Better not to waste.

Hey OP,

Your mother is bonkers.

People assumed DS2 was a girl because he had long hair (beautiful, fine white blond hair that I couldn't bring myself to cut, didn't see any reason to do it tbh).

And then assumed DD was a boy as I reused all the old stuff from my boys on her. I didn't always bother to correct people but when I did, some were horrified "but people will assume she's a boy !!"

So what ? Who cares ? Not me and not DD (she's 1.5). If she minds the hand-me-downs or asks for girly stuff as she grows, I'll get new stuff for her then.

It always baffles me why people seem to think it's SO important. It's a non-issue.

With DD the issue is compounded by the fact that her diminutive sounds boyish (for instance, say her name was Joséphine and we call her Joe). So when I say her name it just confuses people more 😂

YANBU, everyone I know uses stuff for subsequent DC. And this colour thing is ridiculous. DD had a lovely blue comforter that my cousin gave her because my favourite colour is blue. I also love Eeyore so she had a blue toy...

Once though, the only time she ever wore green, a pale green sleepsuit with a pink trim, someone said "oh what a lovely baby boy" .

People obviously do think pink/girl and blue/boy, but I would reuse as much stuff as you possibly can

Wow I didn’t expect so many replies, I’m just catching up but thank you so much for making me feel better and not guilty anymore that baby boy barely has anything new!

I’m going to send my Mum the following text, do you think it sounds okay?

“Hi Mum, just wanted to talk about our disagreement yesterday when it came to babies clothes and using (daughters name) stuff again. I think we clearly have very different approaches to parenting and even life in general, which we’ve acknowledged in the past. I don’t want to fall out but I’d appreciate if you kept your opinions to yourself when it comes to how (DH name) and I parent and what we choose to spend money on. You know that (daughter’s name) has never gone without and neither will this baby. I’d appreciate if you didn’t buy us any outfits or muslins as we already have a lot of stuff and I’m not sure we will use the outfits as we didn’t with “daughters name”. If you would like to buy him something, what would be really helpful is buying him an all in one snow suit for winter so in size 3-6 months, that would be really appreciated as the one we had for “daughters name” will be far too big for him still at winter. Thanks.”

Clothing is mainly interchangeable! I had a video chat with DD this afternoon - she was wearing a t-shirt and I said “Dave” (DS) had one just like that. “I know” she says “he gave it to me when I was last down because it’s too short for him now” - and he’s her baby (now adult) brother!

@baby2incoming far too many words. Just say “mum, it will be fine” on repeat and bring up the snow suit idea later..

I think its too long and what she will see is you saying keep your opinions to yourself.. when there are better ways to express that.. and then asking for her to buy something.
Also.. it doesn't really say what you want her to do about the different parenting.
It would be better as two separate conversations.

“Hi Mum, just wanted to talk about our disagreement yesterday on babies clothes and using (daughters name) stuff again. (daughter’s name) has never gone without and neither will this baby. We already have so many similar outfits and muslins for the early months and I’m not sure we will even use them all as we didn’t with “daughters name”.
It's not worth getting stressed over baby clothes as I'm finding these last weeks of pregnancy very hard going and need to keep as calm as possible.
DH and I have to learn to parent independently in our own way, but we will ask for advice when we need to."

Your mum sounds absolutely ridiculous! We have bags of clothes from my daughter & don’t think we’ll need to buy hardly anything for at least the first year for our next one - regardless of sex. Clothes are clothes. We also will be reusing Moses basket, changing mate, baby bath & bedside cot (just buying new mattresses as you mentioned). I would just ignore her honestly.

I find your mums attitude absolutely ridiculous.

Did she grow up very poor? Does she feel shame at the idea of secondhand?
I've had boy girl boy and every child has worn each other's clothes.

Also I've always thought of the pretty patterned Muslins more for us mums- I've purposefully bought girly ones with my boys for me!

Don't say the 'keep your opinions to yourself bit about parenting and spending money' as that will likely cause a massive upset. Keep it to the practical side of it, we already have to much etc etc. thinking of the environment etc.