Mum says IABU using some of DD’s bits for baby boy due soon

[baby2incoming]

Hi everyone

I’m not going to drip feed so I’ll preface this by saying my Mum and I have a difficult relationship mostly, we are complete opposites in terms of personality and we’ve always clashed however she is a good Nan to DD and they have a great relationship so I stay civil for DD’s sake.

DD is 2, I’m due in 3 weeks with a baby boy.

Mum came over yesterday and I had his clothes and muslins etc drying ready to pack away and fill hospital bag.

Mum noticed that I had some pink muslins hanging to dry and asked me why as my 2yo no longer uses them, I said I was using for DS when he’s born (I have about 5 that aren’t stained and in perfect condition so they’ve been stored in case we ever had more). She told me I was ridiculous and couldn’t use pink muslins for a baby boy, I asked why and she got argumentative telling me people will assume he’s a girl bla bla, I explained I don’t really care to be honest, it’s to cover his neck if he dribbles milk/mop up any milky sick/swaddle him if it’s too hot for him to be swaddled in a blanket. She wasn’t happy and insisted she was going shopping to buy him some boy appropriate ones (what even is this?! He’s a baby for goodness sake). I have also topped up and bought some blue and white ones, I used to go through about 4 a day with DD as she was a sicky baby.

She then proceeded to ask me if that’s “all the babygrows and vests that I have for him and no outfits”. We’ve got 14 babygrows, 14 vests and 3 hats each in 3 different sizes (newborn mostly up to 8lb, up to 1 month mostly up to 11lbs and 0-3 months). We haven’t bought any outfits as DD’s were wasted, she was a May baby and lived in vests and babygrows for the first 3 months as it was what was most comfortable for her. I ended up giving most of her outfits away brand new with labels to the local mother and baby unit.

She is also aghast that we are reusing DD’s Moses basket (plain white and wicker), we’ve replaced the little mattress as like I said DD was a sicky baby so the mattress is fresh. I also haven’t bought a new changing mat or swing seat.

I ended up in tears last night to DH feeling guilty towards DS, I think hormones don’t help. DH told me to absolutely ignore her and if I did want to go and buy some new stuff like a new Moses basket then let’s do it as he didn’t want me upset, I don’t want to, we are fine for money so that’s not a factor I just would rather save it for days out etc rather than buy a load of stuff we’ve already got that’s in perfect condition.

Any advice on how to handle this? Am I wrong for reusing? This is 100% our last baby so once he’s grown out of all of this, it’ll all be going to charity anyway. Should I be buying more blue things?

My adopted daughter's foster carers were like this - obsessed with her only ever having new stuff and it being the right colour. There are wonderful foster carers out there but these 2 were hopeless and neglectful and caused her massive attachment problems we're still trying to cure a decade later.
So I have a very low opinion of anyone who fusses with this kind of stuff. And beware what issues she passes onto your daughter. Because she's dominating your life and bringing you to tears. 💐

Thank God it's your Mum and not MIL ................

God ignore her 5 year between my 2 boys i kept loads after my first even big silvercross pram there cot was actually mine , then my brother used it then my first born with a new saftey matress then my youngest moses basket they both used it

I'd just like to say that I agree with all the comments here.Also you are a very wise mom and know what's important in this situation. Good for you recycling your baby items! Like you posted, you can use the money saved for fun activities for both of your DC.

Your baby your decisions. It would be different if you were asking for her help/opinion in making decisions. You've been through bringing your daughter up and have hindsight to guide you. You sound very matter of fact and grounded, unlike your mother.

I wouldn't want to be that kind of mum x

Literally EVERYONE reuses from first to second baby - especially the big stuff like car seats and Moses baskets. Honestly, she is being slightly weird and insane. Save that money and buy DS (or yourself!) something you’ll get far more out of. A big Cook order for when he’s born for example.

Get some boundaries in place. She’s going to be a nightmare when the baby arrives. And for goodness sake don’t have her around to ‘help’ in the first few weeks; you won’t have an ounce of confidence left. Does she have form for being a cow?

I agree with this poster. Ignore as your DH has said. Hope all goes well 💐

This is your baby therefore your choices. Your mother is way out of line here and seems to think that she can control what you do. Stand up to her she will soon realise that she has more to lose than you if she doesn't back down.

Nothing wrong with using pink muslins for a boy,they mop up sick just as well as any other colour.
When DS was a very young baby he sometimes went to bed in one of DDs old pink babygro.

As your Mum, does she have no experience of hand me downs as a child?

You're doing the right thing, why buy new when you have it already.

Usually the other way around lol 😆

Just tell her hey recycling is good the planet and a baby has no idea of their clothes, my decision, don't mention it again. Xxx

I think that's perfect.

Poor grandma. Surely she is just excited that you're having a boy and wants the best for him. Yes, I know you already have tons of perfectly usable stuff and yes, it's daft/wasteful to buy more just cos she wants to, but please let her do something - anything - that partly gives her pleasure.

I am apalled at some of the adjectives posters have used against her. She is not batshit, nor entitled, nor most of things said about her, but maybe misguided as to what is essential and what is an absolute luxury.

I would say give her a couple of things in blue or whatever to buy that you think would get reasonable use (like the snow suit) and let her get the fun of doing it.

I'm nearly 74 and just recovered from gruelling cancer treatment. My DH has just been diagnosed with Parkinsons and struggles to move. My younger DD is 42 and having IVF for her first baby. My other GC are teens. I am itching to buy loads of stuff for the new baby (if there is one) but my DD and her DH are very, VERY, into the environment so I'll have to curb my enthusiasm, but I hope they don't take it all away - or call me terribly insulting names for showing my excitement. Please cut grandma a bit of slack, it won't hurt much.

Life isn't all about being sensible, fun is needed sometimes too.

Your mother is nuts and needs to be put back in her box. Ignore her.

Fwiw, I’ve done exactly the same thing. I shudder to think how much money we wasted on clothes never worn by our first child (girl). Our second one (boy) has been in various Tu baby grows / sleep suits, etc for the first 9 months.

And sleeps in a pink cot when we stay with my mother.

There’s nothing fun to a young mum about being told her baby csnt wear her precious clothes and outfits from her precious first baby, nor about being criticised by her mum. One of them has had her babies and her turn and the other is in the throes of the baby years, my support goes to the second absent extreme circumstances. The ops text gives her mum options for if she’s itching to buy something and asks her to stop criticising her. Thats very fair and moderate.

Of course you can reuse your DDs things for your new baby. Babies are expensive enough without buying things you don’t need.

Yes your mum is being ridiculous 🙄🙄
For DD, I bought a snuzpod second hand, and bought a new mattress for it. It was like new. DS used it a year later when he came along. I then passed it to my friend who used it for her 2 kids and I think she passed it on to a friend of hers also.

DS had to manage with using the odd pink and white muslin as I had them left over from DD. There is nothing wrong with this!

please ignore your mums nonsense. Either, completely ignore, and refuse anything she buys, or go the other way, and accept all of the new things. If she wants to waste her money, then let her. But don’t let her guilt you into spending money you don’t need to spend.

You sound like you’ve been through the mill a bit but I’m not sure what your cancer diagnosis has to do with OP being bullied into wasting money. Grannies don’t get care blanche just because.

OMG I couldn't cope with that. Poor you and of course YANBU.

Your mum is delusional and wasteful. Does she want her grandson to have a future? She needs to seriously rein in her consumerism, if so.

PS. Remind her that up until about the early 20th century, boys were often dressed, or in earlier days had their portraits painted, in pink.

Your mum is being a bit ridiculous and I think you’re being smart to use re-things that are in perfectly good condition. I’m not overly worried about gendered clothing colours, but still ended up buying “boy-ish”’clothes for my son and everyone asked if he was a girl for the first 10 months lol. I remember him once wearing a blue tractor onesie and arriving at the weigh-in clinic and them immediately saying oh what a beautiful daughter 😆 All of this is to say it doesn’t matter what they’re wearing in the beginning imo. The important thing is a happy and healthy baby and mum, so just do whatever you like—treat yourself to some new things if that feels fun (or let your mum go with you to pick out what you like) and enjoy your little one ❤️ congrats!

sounds like she wants to spend your money unnecessarily.

Ignore her , you are perfectly reasonable re using things that are in as new or excellent condition for your new baby boy .
I have 3 children and re used anything that was in good condition.
Eg my pram , crib , cot , some clothing.
I did need to replace pushchairs though because of some slight damage to them ( airlines and removal firms )

baby2incoming
Huge credit to you for maintaining the relationship between your mother and your daughter. Everything else - you need to become a stuck record. No, I am not going to do that. And don't engage in conversation further or she will up the ante. If you qualify or justify your own reasons in any way she will come back with a hundred more to boost her view. It's really hard, but just don't engage. She may well sulk and strop, but keep your cool, she will get over it. And she will want to maintain contact with your daughter too, don't forget.

I wish this came from a place of wisdom but I was bullied, for want of a better word, by my in-laws when my DC were young and it was only much later I learned valuable life lessons in how to shut people down, without being rude (although they mightn't have thought that!). I often look back with some regret at the turmoil I used to go through.

Very best of luck with your new baby and boys look lovely in pink!

You are right to reuse and no problem. We used dsd things (that her mum kindly gifted us) when we had ds 9 years later. There was a snow suit that was blue with pink hearts - so pink and blue. Ds was mistaken and thereafter corrected as a girl on one occasion - I just said, can see why you think that but nope a boy. It isn’t a big deal. Babies all look the same !

I was 44 when I fell pregnant with my first and only DD.
I had no other baby stuff saved to reuse but felt it would be a total waste to buy things that were not going to be used again.

My family stepped up and lent me all the things I needed. My niece lent me a pram and car seat combo, and my cousin lent me a wooden cot and a wicker Moses basket. Saved me hundreds of pounds.
The reason I’m telling you this is to say that my DD would not go in the cot or Moses basket so if I’d bought new what a waste it would have been.

When it came to her clothes she was in denim dungarees a lot of the time but even when she wore pink some people thought she was a boy.

Please cut your mum some slack, she’s excited about having a grandson.
Although you’re not remotely being unreasonable in wanting to reuse some of your DDs clothes, don’t rob her of the pleasure of buying a few baby boy outfits.

I don’t think she’s any of the things previous posters have called her.
Just someone with a different opinion and views, which she’s entitled to.

I hope you work things out op and that your DM will have the same sort of relationship with DS as she has with your DD.
All the very best. 💐