Mum says IABU using some of DD’s bits for baby boy due soon

[baby2incoming]

Hi everyone

I’m not going to drip feed so I’ll preface this by saying my Mum and I have a difficult relationship mostly, we are complete opposites in terms of personality and we’ve always clashed however she is a good Nan to DD and they have a great relationship so I stay civil for DD’s sake.

DD is 2, I’m due in 3 weeks with a baby boy.

Mum came over yesterday and I had his clothes and muslins etc drying ready to pack away and fill hospital bag.

Mum noticed that I had some pink muslins hanging to dry and asked me why as my 2yo no longer uses them, I said I was using for DS when he’s born (I have about 5 that aren’t stained and in perfect condition so they’ve been stored in case we ever had more). She told me I was ridiculous and couldn’t use pink muslins for a baby boy, I asked why and she got argumentative telling me people will assume he’s a girl bla bla, I explained I don’t really care to be honest, it’s to cover his neck if he dribbles milk/mop up any milky sick/swaddle him if it’s too hot for him to be swaddled in a blanket. She wasn’t happy and insisted she was going shopping to buy him some boy appropriate ones (what even is this?! He’s a baby for goodness sake). I have also topped up and bought some blue and white ones, I used to go through about 4 a day with DD as she was a sicky baby.

She then proceeded to ask me if that’s “all the babygrows and vests that I have for him and no outfits”. We’ve got 14 babygrows, 14 vests and 3 hats each in 3 different sizes (newborn mostly up to 8lb, up to 1 month mostly up to 11lbs and 0-3 months). We haven’t bought any outfits as DD’s were wasted, she was a May baby and lived in vests and babygrows for the first 3 months as it was what was most comfortable for her. I ended up giving most of her outfits away brand new with labels to the local mother and baby unit.

She is also aghast that we are reusing DD’s Moses basket (plain white and wicker), we’ve replaced the little mattress as like I said DD was a sicky baby so the mattress is fresh. I also haven’t bought a new changing mat or swing seat.

I ended up in tears last night to DH feeling guilty towards DS, I think hormones don’t help. DH told me to absolutely ignore her and if I did want to go and buy some new stuff like a new Moses basket then let’s do it as he didn’t want me upset, I don’t want to, we are fine for money so that’s not a factor I just would rather save it for days out etc rather than buy a load of stuff we’ve already got that’s in perfect condition.

Any advice on how to handle this? Am I wrong for reusing? This is 100% our last baby so once he’s grown out of all of this, it’ll all be going to charity anyway. Should I be buying more blue things?

In 1948 austerity everything would have been reused over and over again. In Victorian times little boys wore their older sister's dresses until they were 'breeched' - put in breeches. OP's mum is more influenced by 80s and 90s consumerism.

You sound like a very caring mum. Listen to your DH and ignore all the nonsense coming from your DM. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and try not to worry about inconsequential things. Focus on on your future baby boy and making the most of the time until he arrives.

Two boys here as well, and both of them slept in the same 1970s carrycot that I, and my younger brother, had slept in. New mattress pad, though...

Oh gosh please ignore your mother.. it's bonkers to buy any new stuff when you have perfectly good stuff already. Muslins are literally for soaking up dribble and milk - really really doesn't matter what colour!
Fine to reuse car seat too as you are the previous owner!

So you're using some of DD's old, great condition stuff, and saving money to presumably spend on DD/DS going forward? What a TERRIBLE mother....

No but sarcasm aside, whilst there's nothing wrong if you WANTED to buy new stuff and can afford it, I'm with you on reusing what you can. It's for him to be sick on. It doesn't matter one bit what colour it is.

A stranger once told me how pretty my youngest was. I told them he was a boy but thanked them nonetheless and acknowledged that he was very pretty. And we all got on with our lives as normal.

my oldest like to push a dolly in a pushchair round the park. Lots of people told me what a lovely girl he was. Even if your son is mistaken for a girl he won’t care!

DS is 3, I'm pregnant with #2 & if its a girl they'll still be wearing lots of DS's stuff! To be fair we bought mostly neutral stuff (white/greens/yellows) but were given some more "boyish" gifts & hand-me-downs for DS, which we will use too.
I have the travel system inc car seat, next-to-me, cotbed etc all stored. Only the swing seat didn't make the cut as it didn't fit through the loft hatch 😅I sold it & will buy another secondhand. Its much more environmentally friendly.

My dd sometimes wore pink bodysuits when she was born and I had a ridiculous number of strangers say “awww he’s so cute”…so colour means nothing when people are commenting on the sex a baby. Plus, who cares what strangers think. As for reusing, it would be madness to replace all items just because you’re now having a boy. I reused my DD’s purple pram/pushchair for my ds and the world still carried on turning despite a number of people being confused because I used a purple item for my ds. Besides, it would be madness to replace perfectly good baby stuff just because of the colour, or because another baby had used them.

Anyway, the items/colours are irrelevant because your problem isn’t what you have for your baby. The problem is your judgemental overbearing mother who thinks it’s acceptable to criticise your perfectly reasonable parenting decisions.

My sisters and I had our kids in fairly neat procession, and we just passed around a few boxes of gear (mine was the first, so I also had a couple of boxes passed on from colleagues). We didn't care whether the baby was a boy or girl if it fit and was convenient. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong, and given how quickly babies grow, it's absolutely silly to buy all new when you already have things. Especially muslins for goodness sake - they're just glorified cloths! Who cares what colour they are :)

Also, honestly, my son had long eyelashes, and that was enough for people to assume he was a girl when he was a baby, no matter what he was wearing. And my youngest has long hair, so is frequently assumed to be a girl (to be fair, when he was a toddler pink was his favourite colour) - people are just making conversation, it doesn't harm the kids at all for people to guess wrong!

You’re doing a great job.

I suspect that ignoring is hard, I’d say ‘ok, thanks for that’ you don’t have to do any of it.

I’ve deployed this in so many situations. It’s really hard to argue with someone saying ‘thank you’. Then change the subject onto them and mentally plan all the things you need to do, that actually matter.

I deliberately bought stuff for my first that could be reused and take pride in how little i've had to buy for number 2. They are going to inherit the planet and would probably rather it wasn't stuffed with unnecessarily duplicated stuff.

Reusing things, looking after them, extending their life and donating them is something to be proud of. I'd turn it back on her and look aghast when she suggests you buy a new moses basket, be morally superior towards her and see how she likes it.

She's being ridiculous, ignore her, you're doing what most normal people would do.

She is being ridiculous. Surely everyone keeps things for siblings or passes to friends and family? Money saving, better for the environment and also memories of the other child using the same things.

A small baby being mistaken for a small girl baby - oh the horror, the emotional scarring with life long consequences. We must all jump into action and buy more baby stuff to prevent this terrible wrong from taking place

(jokes obvs, your mother is being completely ridiculous. Your original instincts that it doesn't matter are completely correct. Fight capitalism and the patriarchy and tell her to do one)

Your mum is bonkers. My DS1 has passed all his stuff after two kids to DS2. Not only is DS2 saving a fortune, he is saving the planet. Has she never heard of recycling?

Who cares if some random stranger thinks you have a girl instead of a boy? Everyone you care about will know the sex. Honestly this stuff makes me exhausted.

OP, I’ve got 3 young DC, 2 boys and 1 girl, and I have reused EVERYTHING. My youngest son wore pink, girly, flowery onesies for the first 3 months of his life. No one said a word or thought he was a girl. Even if they did, who cares?

We reused car seats and beds, bedding (washed it first obviously), muslins, towels… I kept everything in Ikea storage boxes in our basement, labelled with each month. We’re stopping at 3 DC, so I’m slowly giving away all the clothes, baby bouncers etc. to ladies from my church who are expecting.

I have found that some people are really strange about reusing things, or using second-hand things with babies. I’ve had some ladies from church politely decline, or quietly donate the bag of clothes to charity without using any of the clothes.

Youre giving way too much headspace to what your DM thinks. I understand, its taken me a long time to stop doing this with my parents.

Your DH is right, don’t give it any more headspace.

Most people reuse stuff - friends and family reuse stuff multiple times! Obviously not dirty stuff. It’s all normal, healthy and not only saves money but good for the environment. Babies do not care about colours.

What doesn’t sound healthy or normal is your mother’s constant interference, criticism and almost joy sucking attitude. Does she always have to be right? I know you say she’s a good grandmother but tbh I’d be worried how she’ll be as children grow. I think you could do with asserting some boundaries with her.

Indeed. I meant more in terms of boys not having pink items.

My niblings and their cousins have all gone through the same set of clothes and baby items (beds etc) each time with bare minimum repurchase of new items outside of the usual gifts for babies. That's four babies, 2 boys and 2 girls, and then they'll be given away to others afterwards. Please don't let her upset you, they're in them for such a short amount of time.

I remember this from my 2. My now 11yr old boy was very much put in his sisters clothes... pink nappies (reusable!) Baby grows and vests as well as every other colour.

I also remember my mother objecting to my dd in blue "as shes a girl"... she was a puker 5+ changes a day not unusual we had every colour I could get my hands on.

I've had similar from her this year as ds starts secondary and has a load of second hand uniform... its all badged, expensize and unisex! So why on earth would I not reuse it!

I'm careful to make sure he doesn't get all hand me downs... but the cost saving does make his interest in a certain sports brand much more affordable....

You mother, politely, is a moron. Baby stuff barely gets used/worn half the time - I had my eldest son in hand me downs from a friend with 2 kids, which were hand me downs from someone else and I still use those for my daughter. Why waste money/unnecessarily burden the environment and make your life complicated when you have perfectly fine stuff. I've also just given all those hand me downs (that after 6 babies ++ are still in great shape) to another friend who is delighted. We are all perfectly capable of affording new stuff but why would you be so wasteful.

She's a twat, mate. Ignore

your mum is bonkers - my son wore a lovely selection of pink onesies from his sister and who in their right right minds buys new stuff for they subsequent children unless worn out? (mattresses aside).

my daughter actually inherited a load of boys clothes from a friend and so lived in a lot of blue boys things for a while as well. Those clothes has already been through about 3 other children.

Your mum sounds strange.

I did exactly the same as you.

Send her round to mine, I’m due a similar time to you and also having a boy. I’m using my cousins pink Moses basket, pink bottom sheets and sleep bags because she isn’t using it currently and I don’t see the point in buying new when that’s fine. She’s also given me all of her babies vests to go under his clothes and they have little flowers on them. She would have a heart attack seeing mine! I’ve also got some of her clothes for him but they are more unisex. I’m the same, I could afford new but what’s the point.