Mum says IABU using some of DD’s bits for baby boy due soon

[baby2incoming]

Hi everyone

I’m not going to drip feed so I’ll preface this by saying my Mum and I have a difficult relationship mostly, we are complete opposites in terms of personality and we’ve always clashed however she is a good Nan to DD and they have a great relationship so I stay civil for DD’s sake.

DD is 2, I’m due in 3 weeks with a baby boy.

Mum came over yesterday and I had his clothes and muslins etc drying ready to pack away and fill hospital bag.

Mum noticed that I had some pink muslins hanging to dry and asked me why as my 2yo no longer uses them, I said I was using for DS when he’s born (I have about 5 that aren’t stained and in perfect condition so they’ve been stored in case we ever had more). She told me I was ridiculous and couldn’t use pink muslins for a baby boy, I asked why and she got argumentative telling me people will assume he’s a girl bla bla, I explained I don’t really care to be honest, it’s to cover his neck if he dribbles milk/mop up any milky sick/swaddle him if it’s too hot for him to be swaddled in a blanket. She wasn’t happy and insisted she was going shopping to buy him some boy appropriate ones (what even is this?! He’s a baby for goodness sake). I have also topped up and bought some blue and white ones, I used to go through about 4 a day with DD as she was a sicky baby.

She then proceeded to ask me if that’s “all the babygrows and vests that I have for him and no outfits”. We’ve got 14 babygrows, 14 vests and 3 hats each in 3 different sizes (newborn mostly up to 8lb, up to 1 month mostly up to 11lbs and 0-3 months). We haven’t bought any outfits as DD’s were wasted, she was a May baby and lived in vests and babygrows for the first 3 months as it was what was most comfortable for her. I ended up giving most of her outfits away brand new with labels to the local mother and baby unit.

She is also aghast that we are reusing DD’s Moses basket (plain white and wicker), we’ve replaced the little mattress as like I said DD was a sicky baby so the mattress is fresh. I also haven’t bought a new changing mat or swing seat.

I ended up in tears last night to DH feeling guilty towards DS, I think hormones don’t help. DH told me to absolutely ignore her and if I did want to go and buy some new stuff like a new Moses basket then let’s do it as he didn’t want me upset, I don’t want to, we are fine for money so that’s not a factor I just would rather save it for days out etc rather than buy a load of stuff we’ve already got that’s in perfect condition.

Any advice on how to handle this? Am I wrong for reusing? This is 100% our last baby so once he’s grown out of all of this, it’ll all be going to charity anyway. Should I be buying more blue things?

I used my friends infant car seat (after her 2 babies) for the 3 times I have needed it so far for my little ones - and have also lent it to 2 other local mums so they didn't have to spend £100+ for a couple of car trips. As long as you know the history its fine.

Your mum is an absolute loon. Re-use everything! She really just sounds stupid.

Every single baby in my family from my grandparents to my mum, her siblings, theirs kids, my and my sisters my kids and my cousin’s kids have all used the same modest basket. It’s been passed down and passed around as needed, new mattress bought each time. Luckily no one has needed it at the same time as another, but every family member on my mum’s side 5 generations now has used that basket.

Clothes and toys and muslins, well my god! Don’t just bin them. Use them till they’re used out. She must be so wasteful.

Your mum is just an idiot. Sorry.

Um no, check the expiry date as that sounds quite old now. The plastic in those does actually expire and the integrity cannot be guaranteed. They sit in hot cars with lots of son and then freezing cold as well. Plastic gets brittle. It snaps.

Your mother is being utterly ridiculous ffs!
DS wore vests, babygrows, hand knitted cardigans and jumpers, just about everything DD wore except for dresses and he wore pink babygrows too.
DD had a number of ‘boys’ clothes that a friend gave me and I think she pretty much wore everything.

Point out to your mother that it is adding to pollution to throw away good items and buy new. She is obviously not very ecologically aware. The throw away society will damage the planet for your children. Shame her.

I've got five kids. By the time it got to number five, she had almost nothing new and everything passed down from her two older brothers and two older sisters. It was a very mix-and-match approach.

She's now 29 and appears totally unaffected by not growing up having everything new and pink.

She’s being ridiculous. This must be so annoying. X

"Any advice on how to handle this?"

Tell your mother to keep her nose out?

Your mum is an idiot.

I think you know your mum is being ridiculous. It surprises me in this century that you would be bothered about her. I would honestly suggest you laugh at her-takes practise!

Your mother is completely ridiculous. Like a newborn will care what colour muslin it sicks on! Tell her you're thinking of the DC's future and the environment, as there's enough waste and landfill already, and you're not adding to it.

We used hand me downs from DD for DS. It made her feel like she was helping and made her feel like a grown up. It also saved us money. For DD2 who is due soon she will have a bit from both, we’ve hardly brought any new stuff.

She's a wasteful idiot. Why on earth would you spend money buying stuff you already have? People like her are killing the planet with their pointless spending.

She's being daft! Wonder what she would have thought of my 3 babies all using the same pram I was pushed around in 30 years later?!! As far as clothes go, they get so little use as babies grow so quickly it makes economic, environmental and common sense to reuse.

‘That’s ridiculous, colours don’t have a gender and baby won’t carry anyway’ and the you repeat and if she continues on say ‘ok you’re not listening to me, let’s cut this visit short.’ If she has a tantrum let her.

@WarriorN is quite right that the custom was originally blue for girls (reference back to the Virgin Mary) and pink, the "manlier", "stronger" colour referring back to the red cloak which St. Joseph traditionally wears; in "Good Wives", the sequel to "Little Women", so late 19th C., dressing baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue is referred to as "French style", something of a novelty. However, I suspect that this nerdy fact would be quite beyond your mother, much as the colour of your DS' sons outfits etc will be quite outside his comprehension.
You are to be commended for reusing and recycling equipment; indeed some families take a positive pride in furniture being cared for and reused through the generations.
It can be hard to contradict an authoritarian DM, but this isn't your first DC, you know what you are doing, so Keep Calm and Carry On!

People buying all new of everything for every child are the unreasonable ones. Wasting money and ruining the planet. Ignore her and focus on your baby.

Can I ask why you allowed her to get you so upset? Surely you just tell her to stop and continue to do things your own way.

She must be very overbearing if you think you are still beholden to her. You’re an adult. You’re a mother yourself now.

You have permission to totally ignore what she says if you want to do things differently and feel no guilt at all. It is your turn, not hers, to be the parent now. She can shove it.

Your mother is talking bollocks. Ignore her and reuse the beautiful stuff you bought for your first child. Your baby won't give a shit what colour the muslins are.

Why on earth does she think you need a new moses basket? That's just bizarre, especially considering that you have replaced the mattress. Reusing the car seat is great too.

It's good and much more environmentally friendly to reuse as much as possible. If your mother insists on going to buy a pile of new stuff then tell her that it will be kept at her house so that it will be easier to travel when you visit with the kids.

Your mum is beyond ridiculous.

I'd tell her to crack on spending her own money if she really feels that perfectly good baby items can't be passed down to your son just because your firstborn was a girl.

Your mother is being ridiculous. Good luck OP!

Your mum is a twat - my son had loads of second hand stuff -(all from my friends daughters) and like you, I was grateful to save money and save the planet. Ignore her.

It’s not like he will be wearing them. I once took a hooded towel to baby massage for ds that had been DD had gone pink in the wash. Nobody cared and pink is ds favourite colour. He has autism so to him it’s just a colour he likes. He used to pull DD wet pink clothes off the clothes horse and put them on.

Seeing your kid in clothes your older kid wore is one of life's pleasures - don't let her take this!

We bought some 2nd hands bits of equipment for my 1st and got some flack from family for it which really upset me at the time. However someone suggested to me that sometimes if someone comes from a generation back, and from a poorer or immigrant background, using 2nd hand can feel a lot more loaded than it might do for me. That was food for thought and helped take the sting out a bit.

Your mother is being absolutely ridiculous. New everything for each baby? What nonsense. Has she never heard of family heirlooms (which don’t need to be just expensive items)?

I loved the family feel of knowing that my babies' crib, cot, baby bath and a lot of clothes and toys had bern passed down through two families of cousins before they reached me! If things are in good clean condition there is absolutely no point in wasting money on things that won’t be used for very long.

I would tell your DM to mind her own business - she made the choices for her babies and now it’s your turn. And if she went out and bought you new things you didn’t want, I would probably refuse to use them, on principle. If she’s got money to spare for them, suggest she puts it in a savings account for the children.