Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m drained and he has to start helping

169 replies

smileyxo · 14/08/2025 00:14

My partner and I have been together 2 years. We don’t live together but he’s at my place 6 days a week. Its been like this a little over a year. I’m starting to become overwhelmed because since he’s started staying over more my bills have sky rocketed. He’s not helping and I’m stressing about bills. I have only asked him 3 times for help with a bill and afterwards he sort of complains that he is so broke and it makes me feel bad because he would have it if I didn’t need help.

Well I can’t do it anymore. I plan on sitting down with him and telling him if he’s going to be here this much he has to help out. I don’t expect him to help out on every bill, but I think the electric and water is reasonable and just half.

am I being unreasonable? He does not have his own place he lives with his siblings and prefers coming over to my place. We’re both 23 and we both work.

OP posts:
Dazzlemered · 14/08/2025 00:16

Why have you let it go on so long?

He needs to pay for half of all the bills. Do you own or rent?

Charel2girl5 · 14/08/2025 00:17

Seriously tell him to jog on. He’s a waste of space. Not normal, he sees you as a meal ticket not a partner.

Poopeepoopee · 14/08/2025 00:18

Oh just dump his tight arse.

He's the sort of bloke that will have you working a 40 hour week, pay 2/3rds of the expenses and come home and do all the cooking and cleaning and childcare.

Or if you dont want to dump him, step back and stop having him come round so much - get him to take you out instead. How did you fall into the habit of him coming round to your house every single night.

WandaWomblesaurusWonka · 14/08/2025 00:18

Sounds like he’s using your place as his bit of freedom and it’s not 50/50 in terms of behaving responsibly. If you’ve already asked him three times for help with the bill, he’s not taking you seriously or listening to you. He’s not showing you empathy or responsibility. He’s not showing up for you as an equal.

Dazzlemered · 14/08/2025 00:19

I bet he doesn’t do any housework either, does he?

AbzMoz · 14/08/2025 00:21

Are half the utilities really down to his use? are your services metered? Are you on the best rates possible? What about other shared costs like food, streaming, etc?

Would you be willing to share the flat with him (rent and utilities?) - if I was the bf at 23 I wouldn’t be able to effectively pay for two places…

Parker231 · 14/08/2025 00:21

smileyxo · 14/08/2025 00:14

My partner and I have been together 2 years. We don’t live together but he’s at my place 6 days a week. Its been like this a little over a year. I’m starting to become overwhelmed because since he’s started staying over more my bills have sky rocketed. He’s not helping and I’m stressing about bills. I have only asked him 3 times for help with a bill and afterwards he sort of complains that he is so broke and it makes me feel bad because he would have it if I didn’t need help.

Well I can’t do it anymore. I plan on sitting down with him and telling him if he’s going to be here this much he has to help out. I don’t expect him to help out on every bill, but I think the electric and water is reasonable and just half.

am I being unreasonable? He does not have his own place he lives with his siblings and prefers coming over to my place. We’re both 23 and we both work.

Why isn’t he paying towards every bill as he’s living there - Sky/Netflix/gas/water/electric/mortgage/food/ccouncil tax.
If not - get rid of him!

Halfandhalf2025 · 14/08/2025 00:22

What do your parents and friends think of this set up? It's really not okay

Your self esteem must be very low to accept such poor treatment..... there's a term commonly used for men like him on here

Original poster
smileyxo · 14/08/2025 00:23

Dazzlemered · 14/08/2025 00:16

Why have you let it go on so long?

He needs to pay for half of all the bills. Do you own or rent?

I don’t really like asking and when I do I feel he complains so I try to do it on my own. I rent.

OP posts:
Poopeepoopee · 14/08/2025 00:26

Who pays for and cooks the dinner?

When was the last time he took you out on a date? Brought you a bunch of supermarket flowers?

Original poster
smileyxo · 14/08/2025 00:26

Poopeepoopee · 14/08/2025 00:18

Oh just dump his tight arse.

He's the sort of bloke that will have you working a 40 hour week, pay 2/3rds of the expenses and come home and do all the cooking and cleaning and childcare.

Or if you dont want to dump him, step back and stop having him come round so much - get him to take you out instead. How did you fall into the habit of him coming round to your house every single night.

He came by one day after work one day I suggested hanging at his place. Said he’d prefer not to we would not have much privacy. Stupidly I was ok with it at first because I enjoy being home. But now I’m drained.

OP posts:
Original poster
smileyxo · 14/08/2025 00:27

Dazzlemered · 14/08/2025 00:19

I bet he doesn’t do any housework either, does he?

When I ask him to which I think is pretty sad because he’s an adult.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 14/08/2025 00:27

No-one gets to live for free. We are an older couple and my boyfriend is comfortably off. I still make a contribution of around £50 a week in shopping. However I do all of the running of his house and take his washing to mine. It'll be interesting how attractive being in yours will be, once he has to pay his way.

Jinglehop · 14/08/2025 00:27

You’re not being unreasonable at all.
Except that your expectations are too low. If he is staying at yours 6 nights per week he should pay a fair share which is around 40% of everything, including rent, if you’re renting. If he’s earning less than you, then it could be adjusted down a bit, or up if he’s earning more.

if you have a mortgage, then perhaps you’d want to consider paying all of the mortgage and charging him rent + bills.

Any complaints, or moaning about being broke, and you’ll know you have what mumsnet calls a cocklodger on your hands.

BeltaLodaLife · 14/08/2025 00:29

He clearly is living with you, but just for free so he’s not going to change a thing because that’s perfect for him.

You need to kick him out. He is a waster. You’re 23; do not get stuck with a waster.

Dazzlemered · 14/08/2025 00:30

So what is he doing with all his money? Saving it? Whilst you spend all yours on rent and bills? If you can’t talk to him about money after being together 2 years then how will you have a future together?

Original poster
smileyxo · 14/08/2025 00:31

AbzMoz · 14/08/2025 00:21

Are half the utilities really down to his use? are your services metered? Are you on the best rates possible? What about other shared costs like food, streaming, etc?

Would you be willing to share the flat with him (rent and utilities?) - if I was the bf at 23 I wouldn’t be able to effectively pay for two places…

They are metered and I purchase groceries and all streaming services. I would be willing to.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 14/08/2025 00:31

smileyxo · 14/08/2025 00:26

He came by one day after work one day I suggested hanging at his place. Said he’d prefer not to we would not have much privacy. Stupidly I was ok with it at first because I enjoy being home. But now I’m drained.

Show quote history

Every now and again a couple need to recap on what's happening and if it suits the both of you. A lot more honest conversations need to be happening. Don't let things just happen and escalate to your disadvantage.

Original poster
smileyxo · 14/08/2025 00:32

Halfandhalf2025 · 14/08/2025 00:22

What do your parents and friends think of this set up? It's really not okay

Your self esteem must be very low to accept such poor treatment..... there's a term commonly used for men like him on here

they don’t like it

OP posts:
Original poster
smileyxo · 14/08/2025 00:33

Poopeepoopee · 14/08/2025 00:26

Who pays for and cooks the dinner?

When was the last time he took you out on a date? Brought you a bunch of supermarket flowers?

I do. It’s been a while I’ve stopped asking and I go out with friends/family.

OP posts:
BeltaLodaLife · 14/08/2025 00:34

smileyxo · 14/08/2025 00:31

They are metered and I purchase groceries and all streaming services. I would be willing to.

Show quote history

So you’re feeding him as well? 6 days a week?

Why? Why are you doing this? You’re paying for all his food, paying for the cost of all the utilities he uses and paying for all the TV he wants.

Just… why? What’s gone wrong to make you think this is normal.

The guy is a loser. Move on. Throw this one back.

BeltaLodaLife · 14/08/2025 00:35

You really really don’t want to end up having a life with someone like this.

The red flags are all there. He isn’t hiding how he will behave. This is what life will be like, he won’t change. You’re so young… I’m sorry but I just cannot understand what on earth you are thinking.

AbzMoz · 14/08/2025 00:36

smileyxo · 14/08/2025 00:31

They are metered and I purchase groceries and all streaming services. I would be willing to.

Show quote history

I think that’s the next qn then - what are we going to do about shared costs when our next rent contracts are up for renewal and what are we doing in the interim? If it makes sense, you could add some proportionality for salary etc

I see I’m in the minority in this thread but I just don’t think half utilities makes sense as if you were single you’d face the majority of those costs. (That is to say, I think this needs the bigger conversation around all costs and household chores, not just utilities)

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 14/08/2025 00:36

I call cocklodger!

Original poster
smileyxo · 14/08/2025 00:38

Dazzlemered · 14/08/2025 00:30

So what is he doing with all his money? Saving it? Whilst you spend all yours on rent and bills? If you can’t talk to him about money after being together 2 years then how will you have a future together?

Edited

I honestly can’t say I heard him speak about a phone bill and gas other than that I’m not sure. So I don’t understand how he’s so broke.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread