I’m drained and he has to start helping

[smileyxo]

My partner and I have been together 2 years. We don’t live together but he’s at my place 6 days a week. Its been like this a little over a year. I’m starting to become overwhelmed because since he’s started staying over more my bills have sky rocketed. He’s not helping and I’m stressing about bills. I have only asked him 3 times for help with a bill and afterwards he sort of complains that he is so broke and it makes me feel bad because he would have it if I didn’t need help.

Well I can’t do it anymore. I plan on sitting down with him and telling him if he’s going to be here this much he has to help out. I don’t expect him to help out on every bill, but I think the electric and water is reasonable and just half.

am I being unreasonable? He does not have his own place he lives with his siblings and prefers coming over to my place. We’re both 23 and we both work.

OP: The ladies on here are mostly saying that your boyfriend is a waste of space, a loser, and so on, which is astoundingly critical.

I’m a bloke, so able provide a male perspective.

After careful consideration of the many reasons why this man may be - self-admittedly - ‘broke’, and the application of Occam’s razor, I consider the most likely reason is that he is waste of space and a loser. And probably a bit of a dick as well.

Who do you put up with this cr@p?

No man worthy of the name could possibly be happy bumming off a woman like this. Not cool.

"We don’t live together but he’s at my place 6 days a week" he's effectively living there OP. And has been having a free run of it for a year.

"he would have it if I didn’t need help." He would have it if he prioritised his spending/saving accordingly. Why should he have it and you not have it? Why have you claimed responsibility for this man as if you're his mother instead of his partner? Why are you putting up with him only cleaning up after himself when you have to nag him as if you're his parent. That will kill any romance dead.

" I have only asked him 3 times for help with a bill and afterwards he sort of complains that he is so broke and it makes me feel bad" this is a form of financial abuse op. Red flag.

"I plan on sitting down with him and telling him if he’s going to be here this much he has to help out." OP, he's 23. A grown man. He doesn't need you to tell him this - he already knows this. He's not contributing because he doesn't want to. He'd rather see you under pressure than put himself out. That's not ignorance that's choice. He is ACTIVELY putting you in a difficult situation money wise because he's selfish not skint.

"I don’t expect him to help out on every bill, but I think the electric and water is reasonable and just half."

So you're saying that 6 days a week he never uses your Internet. Your heating. The food in the fridge. Your Spotify. Your Netflix. Your TV. He's there 6 days a week what about rent?!

Op. Don't sit him down and spell this out for him. Dump him. You will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of weaponised incompetence and a drain on your resources/ mental energy if you settle for this waste of space.

Why would you want this when there's another man out there who wouldn't need this spelling out and who would already be paying his way and being responsible? He's a cocklodger.

How is anyone still bringing up young women to have such a poor sense of self-esteem and be so totally unable to advocate for themselves?

This really should no longer be an issue in the 21st century. Why are we failing our daughters so badly that any of them should think this is remotely acceptable in today's world? It's an absolutely shocking failing of parenting specifically, and role-modelling in society generally.

110%

Op you DESERVE better than this. So, so, so much better. Raise that bar woman!

He's probably squirelling money away for a house deposit.

And when the time comes, he'll have £50k to put down and you'll have nothing because you already spent it subsiding him and he wont want to put your name on the deeds.

Please, for goodness sake, read these responses and act!

Why are you placing so little value on yourself?

Your boyfriend is what is known as a cocklodger. What is more, he knows exactly what he is doing - and he will not change, so there is zero point in talking to him.

Put on your big girl’s pants and get rid of him. If he has a key, change the locks.

Plus I really urge to read these books:

• Women Who Love Too Much
• The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

Well he can't manage his money then so he definitely isn't someone you want as a life partner.

You need to ditch him OP.

He basically is living there, and he’s doing so rent free. He’s living off you!

I love him but I know that’s not enough. I just wanted him to get it. He’s an adult,but I can’t take care of myself and another adult. It’s hard

Do you actually love him though? Or just the idea of what he could be if he did everything properly, and the idea of having a long term partner?

You don’t go out with him, he doesn’t treat you well, he doesn’t contribute, he is putting added strain onto you and doesn’t actually care, he complains and acts hard done by when you do find the courage to ask for contributions… what is it that you love? Because that’s all pretty fundamental stuff about the stability of your relationship and long term prospects.

I think you just love the idea of a real grown up relationship, and you’re forcing that idea over the reality of what you have; a selfish cocklodger who is using you and is doing it so blatantly because he really doesn’t thing he is doing anything wrong, he actually thinks it’s your job to support him.

The best lesson in love I ever got was absolutely knocking my pan in trying to get a guy to "get it" and treat me better. Because it was what made me realise that if he wanted to then he just would and I wouldn't need to convince anyone into respecting me. It's a mistake I've never made twice.

It's supposed to be an equal partnership and he's not in it the way you are.

You can't make someone love you the way you deserve, they either do it or they don't. You only thing you can do is act according to their actions rather than their words.

Either this guy is genuinely a man child and dreadful with money which you absolutely do not want to tie yourself to, or he's a complete cheapskate who's saving and watching you struggle in order to fund it.

Time to focus on yourself op. I'd get rid, take the money that frees up and do some counselling to improve your self esteem and help you reflect on what boundaries you need for a healthier relationship next time around because you really deserve that.

He doesn't love you.
I doubt he even likes you.

There are other and better men.

Please dump him

That is awful behaviour. And he knows exactly what he is doing. He knows he is taking advantage of you. And he is happy to do so.

Thats not a loving partner. Its the actions of someone who does not care about you. It does not matter how much you love him. If he does not care about you then what kind of relationship is this, other than completely toxic and unsatisfying?

Pack up all his stuff, leave it outside in bin bags and dump by text then block. Thats all he deserves.

FFS - cocklodger!!!

I love him but I know that’s not enough

No it's not.

He doesnt love you... hell he doesn't even sound like he likes you that much!

if he loved you he wouldn't sit there watching you struggle and do fuck all.

Then when you get close to break point and ask for "help" He wouldn't sit there and do nothing /dismiss your POV

He doesn't care about you or your comfort... tell him hes dumped

Pay up or ship out.

Spot on 👏

What is an occam razor?

It's a fancy way of saying if you hear hoofbeats suspect horses not zebras i.e the most straightforward answer is usually the correct one.

But Google could have told you that!

He is pretty much living with you, and he's living with you for FREE.

If you were at his place 6 days a week, would you expect him to provide all the food and never contribute?

The main red flag is that when you've mentioned it, he's dismissed you. He doesn't care about you or your feelings. He's happy to drain your bank balance.

I'm really sorry, he's using you. Please, please dump him immediately.

This manchild will NOT change.

Of course he complains, he gets to continue sponging off you.

He has no rent and no bills and complains of being broke? What’s his money spent on, weed? straight into his bank account? He is using you.

He won't get it. Either way the only way to change things is to dump him.

Either he also really loves you and it will be wake up call for him and he will grow up and change his ways to try and get you back.

Or he won't - either then agreeing its over or lying that he will change but then doing absolutely nothing.

By the way, they don't change.

Darling it’s been lovely, but I’m afraid I can’t afford to keep you.

Seriously, check how much the bills have risen. Compare a couple of months before he started coming over with the equivalent month now.

Sounds as though food will have at least doubled. I don’t think you can count subscriptions unless you got them because of him.
Water will have doubled, fuel probably not so much. Standing charges don’t go up of course.

The bare minimum he should contribute would be to cover his expenses and do cleaning. Bare minimum.

DO NOT consider sharing the flat with him to save money!! It will not end well - His attitude has already shown you that he is not responsible or respectful.

I'm trying to work out what it is you love about him. He's a sponger and he doesn't take you out unless you ask him to. He doesn't help with housework either. You need to pick your self respect up off the floor OP. Just having a nice personality is not nearly enough to sustain a relationship. How to you envisage this relationship progressing if he says he's broke now when he doesn't really have any serious outgoings? How will he afford to pay his way if you officially move in together (which he's virtually done by stealth)? How will you afford to buy a house or have a family? This cocklodger needs kicking to the kerb.