I’m drained and he has to start helping

[smileyxo]

My partner and I have been together 2 years. We don’t live together but he’s at my place 6 days a week. Its been like this a little over a year. I’m starting to become overwhelmed because since he’s started staying over more my bills have sky rocketed. He’s not helping and I’m stressing about bills. I have only asked him 3 times for help with a bill and afterwards he sort of complains that he is so broke and it makes me feel bad because he would have it if I didn’t need help.

Well I can’t do it anymore. I plan on sitting down with him and telling him if he’s going to be here this much he has to help out. I don’t expect him to help out on every bill, but I think the electric and water is reasonable and just half.

am I being unreasonable? He does not have his own place he lives with his siblings and prefers coming over to my place. We’re both 23 and we both work.

But how could it possibly be that he 'doesn't get it'? It would be obvious to any adult how unfair the situation is. It's not that he doesn't get it, it's that he simply doesn't want to help or pay his way if he doesn't have to. And he doesn't have to, because you're letting him not.

You can have the talk, you can maybe persuade him to admit that he gets it now and maybe even get him to grudgingly help/pay a bit. What you can't do is change him from being the kind of person who thought it was ok to try and get away with being a selfish cocklodger in the first place.

He knows exactly what he's doing

By not officially moving in, he's got you thinking it's greedy to expect him to pay towards bills. So you feel bad asking

Agree with PPs, he'll be squirrelling away money to pay a house deposit, but won't buy with you

You're young, it's not a long term relationship. Loads of better options out there, including being single. Throw him back

Dump this man immediately - it will only get worse from here.

text: hi x I’ve raised this before and you’ve brushed me off so messaging you. I can’t afford to pay the bills for you being at mine most days. I am going to have to say you cannot come over until we have resolved this, as you seem happy to ignore the stress it puts on me as long as you’re comfortable. Let me know what you’d like to do on the weekend that doesn’t involve spending time at mine.

At the the very least he should be contributing to groceries. It’s not normal to go to anyone’s house regularly without contributing something (bar possibly your parents/close family!). For instance it’s normal to cater for a friend but generally they’d return the favour, if that wasn’t the plan usually they’d bring something (pudding, wine, snacks etc!). For a regular visitor such as a bf I’d expect him to bring all the ingredients for a meal he’d cook for you at least half of the time he’s there. You should also feel able to say ‘hey on your way back can you please get some milk etc’ as you would with a partner that lives with you.

this doesn’t sound great. The worrying thing is the seemingly passive nature of the situation. You’ve slipped slowly into him coming round, cooking for him, paying the bills, a bit like a boiled frog. But it’s not an excuse that he hasn’t noticed or hasn’t thought about the financial strain on you. Even if you sit him down and explain this to him like he’s a toddler rather than an adult man, and you manage to get some resolution, ask yourself if this is his nature. If you build a life with him will you have to sit him down in the future to ask for money for the rent, if you have a child will he support you financially without resentment, will he help with the mental load, the life admin, the housework without direction? You sound lovely and like you’ve got your life together. Choose a partner who is a team player and cares for you. Is this him?

You would be fucking crazy to enmeshed yourself further with this scrounger.

He is an adult failing to take care of his own housing needs because you or his siblings.

Look at 1, 3, 5 and 10+ years to the future. Is he bringing in the sort of money you both need to have a good life? Or will you be subbing him, as you all are now, because his money is his and the.world is against him for expecting him to pay his way?

Absolute waster.

In your shoes, I'd offer to arrange a Specsaver appointment as my parting gift to him as clearly his vision is so poor he can't tell the difference between a girlfriend and a parent!

This is hilarious but so true

You are 23? Throw this one back love. He's a waste of your young glorious amazing life.

You have a lot to learn and a lot of growing up to do. You’re feeling shy to ask, grow up. That is just the very bare minimum you should be expecting. It’s not a favour to you that he pays his share.
and your family and friends don’t like it - why doesn’t that give you the wake up that you need? Don’t be one of those women who thinks she knows better than everyone and then gets stuck with a loser.

this is wrong, very wrong. Dump him because he is clearly using you.

I absolutely agree with everything everyone else has said but I have a slightly different approach.
It seems like him spending so much time at your place has kind of crept up on you both over time so there was never a point where you discussed moving in and the financial implications of this. I would do that now kind of like this

Hi X I've been having a think and you spend nearly every night at my place. I am happy to continue this (*only if you are of course) but only if we sit down and discuss how it's going to work going forward. If you're not happy with things being a bit more formalised then I think we need to dial back the amount you stay here to just twice a week.

If he's there 6 nights a week he pays 6/7th of half of everything. Don't go down the 'I'll just pay a bit of electricity and a shop every now and again' as it will be really difficult to move on from this is you decide he is actually gonna move in full time.

I say this only because at 23 I would have been clueless too never mind DH. Even in our late 20's when we move in together we were still clueless. So in terms of everyone saying he's a cocklodger etc maybe he just doesn't know and better. My DH, who is lovely, said some ridiculous things just because he'd never thought about it before. The key thing here is how he reacts to all of this. Any kind of dismissing you then he's gone.

Good luck!

Oh my god DUMP him!

Believe me you will NOT look back.

Give him a clear reason: “I like you, I enjoy your company, but you’re lazy, you don’t offer to help and you let me play mum doing all the housework when you’re here nearly all the time, and that give me the ick, and you’re costing me too much money.”

Kindly my love, he’s using you 😞

Apart from all the other red flags, the worst one for me is that he is willing to give zero fucks to how you feel. That is not a real man and partner. That he is willing to run you into the ground financially, physically and emotionally. Please put a stop to this now and look after you. What would you say to a daughter of yours in this situation?

So he’s pretty much living with you, just not made it official to try and get out of paying/doing his share? He’s got you as his meal ticket, not his partner. I’d dump his sorry arse because it will only get worse if you have kids in future.

Please OP, you are young and independent. Please do not waste another second of your young life on a an absolute waster and freeloader who has taken advantage of you and is a man baby.

expect more from men and raise your standards.

partners are supposed to elevate your life and bring good, not stress and dirty washing and less money.

sincerely, every older woman.

Why would you do this?? However I do all of the running of his house and take his washing to mine. does he not have a washing machine??

Seriously OP, he's moving in by stealth. It's really common for these types of men with cocklodging in their head as an option.

Tell him you can't afford him being there all of the time and he's to go home. If he doesn't respect that, then unless you want the life of wiping some man's backside, you end it.

I completely agree, don't bother trying to teach or change him. You're 23! You're beautiful! Get out there.

She asked for help with a few bills and he grumbled about it.

He's a cheapskate and he's mooching off you 6 days a week.

Don't bother having a talk with him. This is not a man you want to be in your life permanently, believe me.

You are only 23 but you won't always be young. Once day you will be 30, 40, 50 and if you stick with this person you will live a life of misery and resentment.

what bills have skyrocket? Water I get but electricity? Doesn't make that much of a difference if you turn the light on or watch TV for one or two but it all sounds stressful and not working for you. agree with others who suggest to dump is arse. Life is too short for this stuff. You are clearly not happy and I hazard a guess there is more going on than an increased water bill.

Does he eat out of your fridge too which you fill?

Why would he need a washing machine when he's gone and got himself an unpaid housekeeper?

I despair, I really do.

6 days a week! And no contribution! Tell him where to go! Is he even paying rent to his parents? Or any of the bills? He is being extremely unrealistic and a massive cock lodger. Seriously, he does not live in the real world. He is not your child.

he is using you , of course he likes staying with you, sponging off you .. not paying anything.
frankly he sounds a horrible lazy user. I’d
get him out and maybe look at support to explore why you have put up with this treatment.