I’m drained and he has to start helping

[smileyxo]

My partner and I have been together 2 years. We don’t live together but he’s at my place 6 days a week. Its been like this a little over a year. I’m starting to become overwhelmed because since he’s started staying over more my bills have sky rocketed. He’s not helping and I’m stressing about bills. I have only asked him 3 times for help with a bill and afterwards he sort of complains that he is so broke and it makes me feel bad because he would have it if I didn’t need help.

Well I can’t do it anymore. I plan on sitting down with him and telling him if he’s going to be here this much he has to help out. I don’t expect him to help out on every bill, but I think the electric and water is reasonable and just half.

am I being unreasonable? He does not have his own place he lives with his siblings and prefers coming over to my place. We’re both 23 and we both work.

🙄 She’s only asking for half the water and electricity. Sounds like the bf eats for free, uses Wi-Fi, pays no rent and probably does no housework. Why stay there 6 days for free?

Either you split your time 50/50 at each house
or he pays towards bills, half of all utilities and food.
But if he’s tight with money and doesn’t pull his weight around the house he doesn’t sound much of a keeper

He is at yours six days a week. He doesn’t have his own place. That’s living with you and visiting someone else. Does he have a key? Is he at yours if you aren’t there? I would throw this one back. He’s not going to change with you and you will set yourself up for a lifetime with someone who contributes nothing in every aspect of life whilst telling you how hard things are for him and how unreasonable you are. Don’t accept that for yourself.

Most of those bills wouldn't be significantly higher because there are two people living there 6 days out of 7. There'd be a slight increase in gas, electricity and water because of increased usage, but the standing charges would be the same. Mortgage and the subscriptions would be the same if there were 10 people living there. The OP is still entitled to the 25% single occupancy discount on her council tax, so no change there, either.

I think a contribuion would be fair, but not 50%.

You've got a cocklodger my love. Of course he doesn't want to go home. He's living with you rent free. Send him home and let him stay once a week.

Honestly you’ll be in for a lifetime of misery and slaving away for a cocklodger if you continue. I rarely say LTB but…. LTB. He sounds pathetic and a user… perhaps a manipulator too with the ‘oh I’m broke’ bullshit as soon as you mention bills.

So he’s effectively moved in whist making zero financial and domestic contributions. Congratulations, you’ve bagged yourself a Cocklodger.

You need to stop asking why he is like this (psst, it really isn’t that complicated, he’s lazy, selfish and entitled) and start examining why you don’t value yourself more. If you did value yourself, he would be contributing because you would have told, not asked, him to.

Work out what his contribution should be and tell (don’t ask) him to pay it by standing order. If he refuses, complains or tries to negotiate tell him you are done. May I suggest you have ‘Bills, bills, bills’ by Destiny’s Child playing in the background to keep you on track.

You triflin', good-for-nothing type of brother
Silly me, why haven't I found another?
A baller, when times get hard
I need someone to help me out
Instead of a scrub like you, who don't know what a man's about

Can you pay my bills?
Can you pay my telephone bills?
Do you pay my automo' bills?
If you did then maybe we could chill
I don't think you do
So, you and me are through.

You are young, you are not his parent, so stop acting like it.

The good news is, you are young and hopefully this shit has been a wake up call.

Seriously, check how much the bills have risen. Compare a couple of months before he started coming over with the equivalent month now.

That seems fair to me.

Except for council tax, my bills didn't go down massively when my DP died. It still cost the same to heat the house, so the reduction in gas used was minimal, electricity didn't seem to go down at all, despite using the washing machine and diswasher less, and the water used went down by around 15% but it didn't make a huge difference because half the bill is standing charges.

Don't even suggest it. There are more red flags than on a windy day on a beach.

That he has to asked to do things isn't good but that he complains about paying his share is a big warning about what's in the future.

Save yourself the pain.

It’s irrelevant whether the bills would be higher or not - he is living there so should be jointly funding the bills.

Tell him it’s over - he’s taking the proverbial. You want a partner, not a user.

He is a total waste of space. I’m much older than you are and have seen one or two friends in similar situations over the years. These blokes do not change. They simply go through life expecting other people to sacrifice for them. End this now.

He's a user.

What does he spend all his money on?

He should have said

"I'm here a lot, what can we do to make finances fair?"

"Its my turn to buy groceries"

Say to him that you'd like to wind things back to dating for a while that you'd like to go out then go back to his. Because you're getting a lodger.

You don't and shouldn't have to put up with it. I'm not sure he loves you or he wouldn't be treating you badly.

This, completely. I have a friend this happened to, she paid for all their holidays, fun stuff etc, and everyone was in awe of his amazing ability to save. Not so tricky if someone else subsidises you. She then struggled through two mat leaves, as he expected her to keep paying her half of the bills, even while off work saving him childcare costs on their children. He never married her, obviously, and now we're in our 40s and they have split, she is left struggling, renting and needing to sort out her pension after years of missed/minimal contributions. I imagine his is fine, and certainly not at risk from the minimal child support he pays.

This could be you OP. These men don't care, they feel they deserve someone supporting them in every way. Get out now, he won't change.

Your either desperate for a bloke or stupid ( and kind as well )

But he won’t change
and if you don’t change your way of thinking your going to have a life of this type of men taking the piss
taking advantage that you “love “ them

he knows what he is doing
but he doesn’t care

So 2 years in, he gets to stay at your place almost 100%. No significant contribution to bills, food, expenses. No significant effort in terms of housework, date nights etc.

Wow! He’s got it made. He is living the freeloader’s dream. And he won’t want that to change. He might change for a little while to get you back on side but, this is essentially who he is.

Dump him.

OP i understand this but clearly he doesn't mind taking. He knows things don't run on fresh air. I think I'd suggest him.coming over less. If he pays u will he be expecting a service for this, e.g being waited on?

If he's there six days a week he basically lives there

If you can't go over to him.then he needs pay for meals out/ activities etc.

Partner my arse.

Even if he wasn’t using you as a nice place to stay, you can’t bring things up with him. That’s no partnership.

@smileyxo have you been to his place? Does he houseshare or rent or live with his ex or something still? Is he definitely going out to work and not just swapping between your place and his on the dole or something? He sounds like a lodger (cock or otherwise) but is paying no rent or bills. He is basically living with you without any contribution and delighted with his life. I bet he has plenty of money when it comes to his own hobbies and things though am I right?

Honestly, just get rid of him. If he's not stepping up now, he's not going to change when you want to have kids. Having a boyfriend who essentially lives with you but doesn't pay bills and doesn't take you anywhere is grim at any age but especially at 23. Get rid of him before you fall pregnant and are then supporting 3 people.

You need to be direct you can’t afford to pay for food the extra electric water and gas

in his defence at 23 and living with relatives he’s probably clueless to the cost involved in running a home it definitely was a shock to me

had a similar conversation about running cost with my eldest to other day
he said don’t be tight as smart meter was in £4.50 he said it’s only £4.50
i logged on to app and showed him yearly statement and all theses “£4.50’s “ added upto to just under £3k last year

How can you be in love with a "man" who so clearly is taking advantage of you? Do you have very low self-esteem? I would think so for letting him get away with being a cocklodger.

Please listen to all the experienced ladies on this site who are telling you that this is neither fair nor normal. He should be contributing 50% to rent and bills since he is practically living at your place. He doesn't love yoi, he sees you as a convenient shag to exploit.

Please leave him because there are decent young men out there who would never dream of taking advantage of anyone like this. My sons will be one of them when older. They are young teens but already know what is fair and to not take advantage of friends and the basics of reciprocity.