Lied to boyfriend about STD. I feel have so much guilt

[wheresamy]

I initially posted this on the relationships board but only 1 person replied. I know there’s more traffic here.

I’m probably going to get some nasty comments, and honestly I can’t blame anyone if they do. I’m 31 now, but back in my early 20s, I had unprotected sex with someone who gave me HPV. I ended up with genital warts, had them removed, and had one flare up a year later, but since then it’s been clear for at least 7-8 years. I haven’t had sex in over 5 years, so I haven’t had to discuss this with anyone.

Recently, I had a smear test, and they found HPV in my sample so I need to go back for another test in 12 months. About two weeks later, I met my current boyfriend, and I didn’t tell him. I didn’t mention it because HPV is so common, and I haven’t had a flare up in a long time.

It’s been weighing on me though. I’ve felt so guilty, so I decided to tell him today. I didn’t mention the warts, just talked about the recent smear test. He asked if I knew about it before we met, and I lied and said no. He was so lovely about it, saying it was okay, that I couldn’t have known and it was just a freak accident. He even said he wouldn’t mind if he got it since it’s very common, but still, I lied.

I feel awful with guilt, and I’m not sure how to move forward knowing I’ve lied. I’m head over heels in love with this man, and I know he might leave me if I tell him the truth, but I’m not sure I can keep going like this. I don’t think he will ever trust or look at me the same way again if I tell him. The crazy thing is I believe he would have stayed with me even if I had been honest. Now, I think he might leave because I lied. I’m so angry at myself.

I’m suppose to see him on the weekend and I’m not sure if I can look him in the eye. What do I do

I haven't found it to be "a truly horrible painful lifelong condition." YMMV, of course. It's a harmless skin rash. I don't get many outbreaks, though. If you do, can you get some better medication?

I hope you read this before thread is removed! You have had an absolute load of misinformation and meanness.

HPV is so common most people will be exposed to it at some point in their lives - hence vaccine against high risk strains. But most strains are simply cleared by the body and many get no symptoms.

There are many strains and the body generally clears them. Warts can be caused by certain strains. Generally that are not the same strain as the cancer causing ones. Even protection cannot fully stop it - skin to skin.

It is likely from your time lag that you have been exposed to different strains. I would highly doubt you had reactivation. So I don’t think that previous genital wart episode years ago will be related to the current smear. They are likely to be different strains and much more likely that the smear was caused by sexual activity you had 5 years ago and the warts from years back.

It is likely your current boyfriend will have been exposed in his lifetime too if he has had had more than one sexual partner.

This is unfortunately one of the most common viruses passed through sexual contact even with condoms.

So I don’t think it is your fault for not telling him about the genital warts from years ago. The hpv strain you have now you have told him about. I don’t think you should panic over previously having a strain years ago that caused warts.

I'd be surprised if that's correct given the awful consequences of some STDs that are not HIV.

Syphilis causes terrible illness, including death. Chlamydia and gonorrhea can take away a woman's fertility. Those things are dire. And about herpes, someone could easily argue that it had caused them lots of pain, embarrassment, and got in the way of finding love and affection.

Your medical history and treatment are private. But if you’re actively infected so it’s communicable and didn’t say anything or use protection, that to me is SA and a pretty shocking thing to do. I had an ex lie to me about getting tested before going no protection and when I found out it affected me the same as a SA mentally. Luckily I didn’t catch anything but the mental anguish was enough. I think the deeper issue to address is how you could do that to begin with. What’s behind your willingness to take his consent away? You need to address this and do some inner work. I don’t think you deserve his trust. I think you need to leave the relationship, seek counseling, and avoid intimate relationships until you’ve worked out this issue. If I misunderstood I apologize for being harsh but the no condom thing really stuck out to me as the really awful part. That being said, I think it’s very brave to admit wrongdoing and to take steps to correct. I respect your honesty and willingness to make it right.

This is about the 5th time someone has said this on this thread

HSV is NOT warts or related to the human papilloma virus. HSV is the herpes simplex virus. Strains of HPV cause genital warts and cervical cancer. They are not HSV.

Ah yes you’re right of course, it doesn’t have to be that way, but it can be (though surely a rash in such a sensitive area has to be painful to some degree when it happens?). Fortunately I’ve never experienced it personally, but as a GP I’ve had quite a few patients with it over the years. And perhaps my view of it is a bit skewed as people not suffering so badly won’t come to see me about it!

It sounds so so hard to me that literally 50 percent of your prospective partners don’t want to continue dating once you’ve disclosed it. It’s great that you’re able to take that on the chin, it would really knock my confidence I think.

No!

They need to rename one of these viruses lol. Their abbreviations start and end with the same letter. I kind of get why it can be confusing if you’re not super clued up on it all

Oh, I got you confused with another poster who said they had bad herpes outbreaks. Sorry!

Yes, I expect your view is a bit skewed by the patients who need to come to you! I develop what is like a tiny pimple, so I reach for the Valtrex, and that's that.

I tell prospective partners before we ever date, right up front, so that neither of us wastes time, and at that point I have zero attachment to them. So that really helps.

I have found that the ones that don't want to continue aren't operating out of reason. For example, I do point out that they're safer with me, who knows their status and is taking meds for it, than they are with the next person who might well have it and not know, and therefore not be taking anti-virals. I find they tend to be quite ignorant of sexual health.

The ones who have wanted to continue have been more intelligent, more wordly, and more mature, and I have had some really bangin' sex with them post-disclosure. 😂 So again, that helps.

I also think it weeds out people who don't really like you for you, but just want someone - anyone - to have sex with.

Yes, it's not surprising when one is named HSV and the other HPV. How stupid!

Yes and it's rare that it would come back after years and years, unless you've been exposed to it again. Potentially by OP's boyfriend.

Some types of HPV can cause genital warts.

I personally wouldn’t disclose now that you knew and didn’t say anything. He knows now. I assume he didn’t ask you if you had any STD tests etc before he had unprotected sex with you. I think if he had asked and you’d deliberately tried to cover it up then that’s worse. It’s not great, and you should have told him, but I understand why people are afraid to say, and there’s a lot of misunderstanding about STD’s as this thread shows. Lets face it, it he didn’t even use a condom he can’t be that vigilant around his sexual health (and no, before anyone says it, that doesn’t excuse lying, but he knows the truth now).

Reminds me I need a smear!

https://www.jostrust.org.uk/about-us/news-and-blog/blog/hpv-and-mens-health/

It’s different if you don’t know you have it. But if you do, then you have a moral responsibility to be honest with your partner so they can decide whether or not to take the risk. No one should be so arrogant to take that choice away from someone, no matter how “common” the virus is.

So why are you asking us what to do? There's only one answer. You tell him the truth. Today.

Yes. Until the way they do the smears changed recently they didn’t even check for it, only for the cellular changes caused by it. According to medical experts and not MN hysterics it also isn’t an STI.

HPV is not the same as herpes!!!

i had hpv in my 20s, smear at 39 showed no hpv detected.

it does not mean you have an active std most people have this. Just move on from this.

All of those are curable. There are no dire consequences. Maybe there were 200 years ago, but not now.

You would not move forward wasting taxpayer money with a criminal prosecution for chlamydia.

Op stop beating yourself up, I wouldnt now go back and tell him you knew. As many have said most people have had this virus at some point in their lives.

Oh and in Scotland we can't even prosecute rapists so I doubt passing on HPV would be!

Theres a lot of minimising going on. I'm amazed how many women on this thread don't think a man should be able to make an informed choice if he wants to have unprotected sex with someone who knows they have an infection just because it's a common one and who would be happy to lie about it. You'd all be banging on about how you've been violated if it was the other way around and how you have a right to make an informed choice.

The people saying “it doesn’t matter for men” and “it’s not a big deal” are woefully misinformed. It DOES matter. HPV increases the risk of penile and anal cancers for men. Furthermore, once he breaks up with OP and goes on to see other women, he could also potentially infect them, increasing their chances of cervical cancer.

it’s an utterly reprehensible thing to do. You KNEW you had a disease and you CHOSE to give it to him.

You've committed a CRIMINAL offence.

Congratulations, you're a horrible person and a criminal.

I hope he finds out the truth and reports you to the police.

Well that's ok then. 🙄

Theoretically, it’s possible to explore the concept. In practicality, it’s virtually impossible.

Even in some fluke scenario like you described, it would not proceed to prosecution as it is simply not in public interest to prosecute as HPV is too widespread, not regularly tested for outside of smear tests, not tested in men at all, and the most deadly strains cause non symptoms. So if you set a precedent of criminalising HPV infections, you’re opening up the most illogical bag of worms. You’d be potentially criminalising almost a whole population for having a virus. Can you imagine? ‘Have you ever had an abnormal smear? You could be entitled to compensation.’

The only precedent that has ever been set for this is HIV. It’s very much in the public interest to keep public health out of the criminal court.