Lied to boyfriend about STD. I feel have so much guilt

[wheresamy]

I initially posted this on the relationships board but only 1 person replied. I know there’s more traffic here.

I’m probably going to get some nasty comments, and honestly I can’t blame anyone if they do. I’m 31 now, but back in my early 20s, I had unprotected sex with someone who gave me HPV. I ended up with genital warts, had them removed, and had one flare up a year later, but since then it’s been clear for at least 7-8 years. I haven’t had sex in over 5 years, so I haven’t had to discuss this with anyone.

Recently, I had a smear test, and they found HPV in my sample so I need to go back for another test in 12 months. About two weeks later, I met my current boyfriend, and I didn’t tell him. I didn’t mention it because HPV is so common, and I haven’t had a flare up in a long time.

It’s been weighing on me though. I’ve felt so guilty, so I decided to tell him today. I didn’t mention the warts, just talked about the recent smear test. He asked if I knew about it before we met, and I lied and said no. He was so lovely about it, saying it was okay, that I couldn’t have known and it was just a freak accident. He even said he wouldn’t mind if he got it since it’s very common, but still, I lied.

I feel awful with guilt, and I’m not sure how to move forward knowing I’ve lied. I’m head over heels in love with this man, and I know he might leave me if I tell him the truth, but I’m not sure I can keep going like this. I don’t think he will ever trust or look at me the same way again if I tell him. The crazy thing is I believe he would have stayed with me even if I had been honest. Now, I think he might leave because I lied. I’m so angry at myself.

I’m suppose to see him on the weekend and I’m not sure if I can look him in the eye. What do I do

The lie is bad enough but this is far worse than disgraceful.

So basically according to some PP, anyone who has sex without disclosing that they once had an abnormal smear is committing sexual assault. FGS there are lots of ridiculous posters on this thread.

Actually, I'd like to know if someone has ever had cold sores before I kiss them. I know it's only contagious if the cold sore is active and I know it's not a big deal and lots of people have the virus. But I'd still like to know. My current partner has had them and it doesn't bother me, but he told me right at the start and I liked him more for telling me, not less.

What? It can be dormant for Decades. Nothing to do with being exposed to it again.

My first p smear since they tested showed no hpv. The 2 nd one did. Id been with the same man for years

Thankyou this is what I thought.
I had genital warts when I was 17, I got it treated and it has never came back.
I’m in my mid forties now, when I was in my late twenties I had abnormal cells on my cervix that I had removed, I was in a newish relationship at the time.
The gyno told me.. You aren’t currently testing positive for hpv but you probably had it at some point, it can come and go.
I asked her.. Do I need to tell my boyfriend and she said no! There was no need because anyone who is sexually active will have it anyway.
Im married now and have been for 12 years, I have never told my husband either.

HPV is one of the most common virus' found in humans, before vaccinating became common approx 90% of the population would catch it if sexually active - its also possible to catch it in other ways, but less likely.

The majority of people will clear the virus from their system within 2 years and have no consequences, whilst others it can linger without symptoms, some it causes symptoms such as warts, but these often self resolve.

It was discovered that a few strains can cause cell abnormalities leading to cancer, particularly in women, hence the vaccine drive. Men (I'm a man, and my partner gave me HPV!!, but both of us were around and active before the vaccine so ho hum!) it has far less consequences.

In a man it can cause warts, but more commonly nothing, there is a link to penile cancer, but that is rare in of itself - the main risk posed to us chaps is that of passing it to another woman.

so OP, as HPV cannot be cured, as a condom won't reduce the risk to zero by any means, then I'm afraid if your man wants to be with you and sexually active with you, its pretty certain if you are infected you will pass it on.

Assuming he is only having sex with you, that's it, very little consequence, and very little risk to him, far more risk to you hence smear tests etc...

The strain of HPV that causes genital warts is not the same strain that is detected in a smear and can go on to cause cancer. The latter, most people carry and it flares up and can go away on its own, hence the repeat smear when it is detected.

I've had hpv in smears numerous times and gone on to have CIN3 and needed treatment to remove it twice, sometimes it's cleared away on its own with no issues. I've never had genital warts.

OP are you saying you only met him in mid June and are already having unprotected sex and head over heels in love with him? That all feels much top fast. I think you need to be a bit more responsible. I would also tell him the full truth. You could just say you want to admit something, you did know beforehand but you were too embarrassed to admit the truth when asked. You had the letter about HPV in your smear but HPV that causes cancer is not the same type that causes STD symptoms.

If you feel so guilty you can't do anything but admit the truth or it will haunt your relationship forever. Good luck. It sounds like he's a reasonable guy so hopefully he will understand. If not make sure you don't do the same with the next guy!

There are so many misconceptions on here.

You had warts which are the physical symptoms of a strain of HPV, you don’t have the warts anymore so this strain is likely dormant at the moment. The strain found in your recent smear is probably another strain of HPV, possibly even from your current partner. There are literally 100s of different types of HPV, almost everyone will have been exposed to it. Herpes is completely different but again, most of the population have been exposed to the virus it’s just the unfortunate few who show symptoms.

I know people who have had warts and have never had them again, their partners have never caught them. I think you do need to tell him but could maybe plead ignorance about your understanding of the situation to soften it, E.g. you didn’t know it was something you needed to share as you haven’t had symptoms for a long time and only looked into it after your recent convo as it was playing on your mind. Lots of people won’t agree with this approach but on Mumsnet everything always seems very black and white without any consideration for the intricacies of relationships and human communication. You catching warts wasn’t your fault (can catch it using condoms too) and I’m sure was really hard for you at the time.

Tell him, it’ll be ok ♥️

Aww thanks Horsie ♥️

I know a few people this happened to as well, and the nurse said that’s how most people get it these days as using condoms etc for oral isn’t the done thing.

Mine was cheating ratbag ex! First person I was ever with. I’m now married, and tbh it turned out to be quite a good way to filter people for relationships based on if they were kind etc when I told them, but god it was hard going at first I really struggled with it.

It drives me batty when I see threads with SO MUCH wrong info and the confidence with which they proclaim it 😂

Why were you having unprotected sex with this guy if you knew you might be infectious, surely you would have told him to use a condom, he might have had anything (maybe he had HPV too and that's why he's so sympathetic) and what about contraception?

It’s not the HPV because everyone with more than one sexual partner has likely been exposed and cleared it. It’s the fact you knew you had an active infection and chose to expose him anyway. This is wrong. I wouldn’t want to be with you because of this not the fact you have an active hpv infection which, can be treated and in most cases cleared up by your own immune system.

The lie, the deceit and the selfishness is the problem.

HPV is very common and many people don't even realise they have it/have passed it on.

I developed a couple of warts after a sexual assault.

I went to a sexual health clinic and got prescribed treatment (cream). That was about 5 years ago. I never had a recurrence of the warts and no sign of HPV in the smear text I had a year ago.

It seems that the immune system will usually clear it within 2 years.

I am happily single but would I mention what happened years ago to a new partner when there is no sign of the virus anymore? no I would not.

However I would not have sex if I knew that the virus was currently active.

Wrong I’m afraid, you can absolutely still get it even if no sore is present, there’s a viral load that sheds through the skin.

There’s a PP on the thread that caught it this way.

HSV1 can be caught orally or genitally this way, with or without a sore.

I have HSV2 from somebody with no symptoms at all.

Thats a less common type, but yes HSV1 is super common. Ironically I don’t have that 🙄 but lots of my family do and always tell people first, which is good

HSV is herpes (herpes simplex virus).
HPV is warts (human papilloma virus.)
@wheresamy re HPV-warts- there are about 100 different strains, they can occur anywhere on the body and about 30 strains occur in the genital region. The virus is extremely common, it lives in the top layer of the skin, and your immune system will destroy or suppress it.
It is so common that it is very likely that your partner may have been exposed to it in the past anyway even if he never grew warts (ie his immune system destroyed/suppressed it).
Warts (HPV) in the external genital region are not the same strain that are on the cervix.
For those name-calling: two things: if you had a wart on your hand once would you never shake hands with anyone again?
Why aren't people calling out the person who gave you warts?
You can find information on the BASHH (British association of sexual health and hiv) website, they have patient information leaflets plus the more technical professional information.
Please don't feel bad, if you want to speak to someone please contact your local GUM clinic.
Hopefully by your next smear your body will have cleared the HPV but if not they will follow it up.
Good luck

is this correct ( and please say if it’s not as there has been a lot of confusion):

So HPV - many people have it, can be transmitted skin to skin, not necessarily sexually transmitted but can cause cancer

A different type of HPV causes warts, this IS sexually transmitted but is not the type that causes cancer.

HSV is Herpes which is sexually transmitted and has a bit of a stigma
(except if it’s oral HSV herpes then that’s different you have that forever and nobody seems too upset about that one)

HIV is different again, not the plague as was once thought and is completely controllable now with the right medications. This can be sexually transmitted.

Why don’t they change the names, it IS confusing. Especially if you have had the same partner for about 20 years and does not really come up in conversation that often.

I don’t blame people for being confused and have genuinely learned a lot from this thread. Does that above all sound correct?

Posting in AIBU was a bad idea. So much judgment, ignorance, and rage - people just love to kick someone when they're down.

Forgive yourself. This is not a big deal. He made the choice to have unprotected sex with a new partner and I'd bet it's not the first time he's done that!

yeah, you can feel how you want, but it’s not great that you’re just continuing the pointless stigma for genital herpes. This thread shows that HPV has no stigma, yet is actually a dangerous virus, but herpes still has one and is harmless.

Utter batshittery!

I think if he took the chance of having unprotected sex then he was taking a chance of catching something or getting you
pregnant.

HE took the risk too.

Most sexually active people will come into contact with HPV. The types of HPV they test for in a smear are generally not the types that cause visible warts so your previous warts and your positive smear might be unconnected. Your current partner may have even given you your recent infection as most people will never know they have the strains of the virus that don’t cause warts. I’d view HPV as a pretty much inevitable consequence of being sexually actibe rather than a bone fide STI

EDIT to add. There is a benefit to OP telling the truth but it's for herself, not for him.

She is seeking to release herself from the discomfort of this guilt by telling him the truth. A truth she previously didn't care about. She didn't worry about it as she said the virus is common.

It's not about her coming clean and 'doing the right thing', it's about her feeling better. It's not for his benefit or she wouldn't have done any of this in the first place.

Ugh, your first relationship! That sucks.

It's amazing how many people have HSV on their genitals though. Most people don't talk about it. My sis has been with her husband since they were 20, so I was surprised to hear that both of them have it.

Definitely an excellent way of weeding out those who really care about you from those who just want to get their leg over!

Haven’t you had the Gardasil vaccination as a teenager? I’m older than you, and had the vaccination before any such risk.

You could still pay privately to have the updated gardasil vaccination, which I think might help clear it.

I cannot believe the ignorance on this thread 🤦‍♀️
Ladies, ALL of you here have, have had, will have HPV!! Are you ALL never going to have sex, never kiss, never touch?? Honestly, PLEASE read up on this!! Honestly, I give up 🤷‍♀️

That’s not true. Yes I feel guilty but I also think he deserves to know the truth. He’s the most kindest, caring man I’ve ever met and I’m so angry at myself for not being honest in the first place and putting him in this position. Why I didn’t tell him before I don’t know. But I want to tell him now and I’m going to later this evening when I see him in person.