Lied to boyfriend about STD. I feel have so much guilt

[wheresamy]

I initially posted this on the relationships board but only 1 person replied. I know there’s more traffic here.

I’m probably going to get some nasty comments, and honestly I can’t blame anyone if they do. I’m 31 now, but back in my early 20s, I had unprotected sex with someone who gave me HPV. I ended up with genital warts, had them removed, and had one flare up a year later, but since then it’s been clear for at least 7-8 years. I haven’t had sex in over 5 years, so I haven’t had to discuss this with anyone.

Recently, I had a smear test, and they found HPV in my sample so I need to go back for another test in 12 months. About two weeks later, I met my current boyfriend, and I didn’t tell him. I didn’t mention it because HPV is so common, and I haven’t had a flare up in a long time.

It’s been weighing on me though. I’ve felt so guilty, so I decided to tell him today. I didn’t mention the warts, just talked about the recent smear test. He asked if I knew about it before we met, and I lied and said no. He was so lovely about it, saying it was okay, that I couldn’t have known and it was just a freak accident. He even said he wouldn’t mind if he got it since it’s very common, but still, I lied.

I feel awful with guilt, and I’m not sure how to move forward knowing I’ve lied. I’m head over heels in love with this man, and I know he might leave me if I tell him the truth, but I’m not sure I can keep going like this. I don’t think he will ever trust or look at me the same way again if I tell him. The crazy thing is I believe he would have stayed with me even if I had been honest. Now, I think he might leave because I lied. I’m so angry at myself.

I’m suppose to see him on the weekend and I’m not sure if I can look him in the eye. What do I do

You have been relentless in your agenda to push the point that prosecution exists in UK common law. The law itself is the Offences against the Person Act of 1861. If you want to be given credibility for your point being that you’ve quoted from that specific law then you need to spell it properly. Otherwise, stop patronising people by telling them to educate themselves. Nothing in the slightest to do with America, not in the slightest bit ableist. To claim otherwise is nothing but falsehood. Also, to be ableist my comment would have had to be discriminatory or prejudiced against you whilst being in possession of the knowledge that you had Autism so again, incorrect. Just so you’re aware under UK common law, libel is a civil offence and claiming people are ableist when they are not is just that.

Just because your point is factual on the surface, the reality is actually far different. The risk of this woman being prosecuted, like the risk of this actually happening is negligible. So if you didn’t say it because it you thought it had relevance to the OP’s situation then why did you say it? So, it’s not actually relevant and your point in pushing this appears to have been done to justify your nastiness towards the OP to cause her distress and scare her into making her think something was much more of a real possibility than it is. Thats bullying.

I didn’t say only HIV could be prosecuted just that infections such as HIV would be much more likely to be successful albeit, still difficult. Don’t put words into other people’s mouths.

Please, give examples of where people have been successfully prosecuted for passing on HPV, I’ll wait. In fact, why don’t you just educate yourself on the proper way to conduct yourself with kindness towards strangers on the internet. This woman made an error of judgement and she feels exceptionally guilty, she doesn’t need you or anyone else making her feel worse. In doing so is just showing the worst side of yourself. Everyone has to take accountability in life and you always risk contracting an STI when you have sex, condoms or not. He needs to take accountability for his own actions as well.

Jesus Christ. This thread is shocking.

There are so many different strains of hpv and the one picked up on your smear will be a different one that caused your warts.
I am in a totally different time zone so won't be awake when you see this, please call your practice nurse or health adviser at your sexual health clinic for reassurance.

Yes. It is unforgivable. I don’t know what sort of comfort you are trying to get out of this thread but go and do the decent thing and let him know you didn’t give a hoot about his health.

Alternatively, pretend you have received a call from someone from the past about it and say that it would be a good idea for the two of you to be tested.

Scottish HSV is more virulent. Buyer beware!

Be kind to yourself OP, it’s really common, it’s not disgusting. You’ve told him and he accepts you. You both made the decision to have unprotected sex - he may have already had it without knowing! It isn’t routinely tested for. Stop beating yourself up

Hugs to you. There’s a LOT of judgement on this post. It’s incredibly difficult to be sexual in your early 20s, unprotected sex happens and there is so much hostility. I write as an HIV positive woman. My encouragement is to seek counselling via a sexual health organisation, which will have resources and support networks.

Sorry, but this is bad. Switch the genders here....

Be open with him..... Only chance you have long term. If it doesn't work out, take it on the chin.

The absolute lack of knowledge and judgment on here is astounding.
Uncouth your fucking pearls and read up on HPV and HSV- both totally different.
You really are a load of judgemental witches.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/human-papilloma-virus-hpv/

The absolute lack of knowledge and judgment on here is astounding.
Uncouth your fucking pearls and read up on HPV and HSV- both totally different.
You really are a load of judgemental witches.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/human-papilloma-virus-hpv/

When you love someone, you protect them from harm. This will eat you up so you need to be honest and deal with the consequences.

OP get off mumnet. Book yourself in for a STI check. Explain your worries and they will educate you accordingly.

This will mean when you talk to him you can have a educated and informed discussion which should hopefully prevent emotions being swayed by uninformed ideas.

As long as you weren't stupid enough to have unprotected sex with a practical stranger, hopefully he won't be infected.
You lied though and you put someone elses sexual health at risk as well as your own (you didn't know what, if anything HE had) which is incredibly selfish, dangerous and nasty.

What you do now is up to you. I mean the damage is done, right? Next time though, think of someone other than yourself first

@wheresamy I think you are being too hard on yourself here.

He could have used a condom while getting to know a new partner.

And you may have still been in shock/ processing the information and not ready to tell a new partner.

I agree it would be more responsible to have not had sex but we are all human and make mistakes where carnal drive is concerned.

Cut yourself some slack. You've told him now so he can get tested if he wants. Try to forgive yourself and let it go.

I think you were both using no protection.
Start afresh and both go and see an STI clinic.
Take information and advice on board and both have your current STI status known to each other.

Ask about vaccinations available too.

@CandleRigg89 the consensus appears to be with you, out of interest, would you agree with what @Hyperbowl has said here? (Went down a total rabbit hole reading some of the links provided and googling to try and understand and am now invested in knowing the answer 🤣🤣) I’m a GP so no idea about legal stuff and have no clue why I took that rabbit hole but here I am now!

Basically that it’s theoretically possible in Scotland to prosecute someone for passing on or risking passing on HPV, but in reality it would be almost impossible to do successfully?

I’m thinking let’s say you have the perfect case, a person who has only ever had sex with the accused and has no other sexual history in terms of other forms of sexual contact at all. (I know HPV can technically be passed on in other scenarios such as kissing, but it is primarily passed on through some form of sexual contact I believe. Feel free to assume this person also has never French kissed anyone else if that makes it simpler). They now have HPV, as does the accused, and have developed penile cancer from it which is now terminal, therefore definitely facing death as a knock-on consequence of the HPV (albeit this would be a very rare scenario before I freak anyone including poor OP here out!) Would there be any chance of the case 1. Being taken on by anyone and 2. Being actually successful in getting a prosecution?

I’m not living in Scotland personally but have only ever heard of HIV cases being prosecuted this way (and generally even then it’s been really crazy scenarios where some psychopath has literally specifically set out to infect as many people as possible with HIV on purpose). So I was quite shocked when it was suggested this sort of situation could be considered prosecutable.

I honestly believe what you did amounts to sexual assault. He should have been told and been able to provide informed CONSENT with the correct and true information.

OP, as a GP I also don’t really think of HPV as an STI, though yes technically it is really. It’s incredibly common, though I believe the hope is with the new vaccines it can be mostly stamped out in future generations.

The choices are to tell him and accept any consequences of that, or try to “get over it” and forget about it forever as someone else put it.

Like a pp there is definitely part of me that thinks he now knows about the HPV, he’s happy to continue the relationship, and you have essentially “got away with it” with pretty much zero chance of him ever finding out the truth I’d say. And I wonder if it’s really worth rocking the boat for both of you for the sake of being completely transparent.

At the same time, I do very much believe in honesty in relationships (and generally lol) and it seems this is really eating you up inside and if you are someone like me, that feeling isn’t going to go away, you’re not going to be able to just forget about it because you’re just not that sort of person, and it’s ruining your joy in this new relationship. It’s also a very recent lie right now so if you are ever going to come clean, the time is now while it’s still potentially more forgivable than ten years down the line or whatever!

Only you can decide. I personally don’t think it’s the crime of the century, in fact I was quite shocked to open the thread and find out we are just talking about HPV here. Ten years ago I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t even have crossed anyone’s mind to inform a sexual partner about this even if you’d had abnormal cells on a smear etc. Let alone feel this level of guilt over it all. Yes I do ultimately think you should have told him and let him decide, but also he was happy to have sex with you without protection and presumably without interrogating you about STDs beforehand so I think he does have to take some of the responsibility here too. Anybody who has unprotected sex with anybody else, especially without prior STD testing is knowingly taking some risks.

I’m also not as completely horrified as some others appear to be on here at the very idea of unprotected sex per se (the “it’s CRAZY! CRAZY!!! post was actually hilarious!) It happens up and down the country all the time, including in the context of one night stands, though I would agree in general that it’s not a great idea with a new partner and without prior STD testing. Let alone contraception (not sure if you have another method). I certainly wouldn’t do it now (I would still not always want to use condoms personally, but would have couples STD testing if in a committed long term relationship and perhaps naively, then trust my partner not to cheat…), but when younger I do recall that at one point I didn’t use a condom or go for couples STD testing with a relatively new partner at one stage (though I was on the pill!) Life happens sometimes.

I so hope it all works out for you OP!

What a judging lot. I have discussed about this with a gynaecologist/obstrecian. He said it didn’t really matter the man to know or not know as most men have it and it’s lying dormant. As they don’t get particularly tested we cant know if they had already been infected too and that maybe they even had it already and that we didn’t necessarily bring us the women into the relationship!

Most women have it and it’s lying dormant and even a woman with all clear smears can have it but between the tests the autoimmune system gets strong again and fights it and it’s not detected at the next test. I speak about the cytology tests, the classic Pap test. This new hpv tests might pick tbe virus dormant even maybe? Thus they then do the cytology then to see if there are changes or anything.

The advice of the doctor was to stop smoking and boost my autoimmune system with good diet and habits.

By the way the type of hpv you had (the warts type) are the ones that are not suspected for cancer.

Stop torturing yourself and ignore the nonsense.

but my question is … did you proceed with unprotected sex just after you had an positive result after all these years? Did they check then the test witn cytology ? What did that say?

And for the record, coming back to a previous post where this was being debated, I’d totally take my chances with HPV over genital herpes if I for some bizarre reason had to make a straight choice to be infected with one or the other! Genital herpes is a truly horrible painful lifelong condition and much more stigmatised than HPV on a smear.

Also herpes can totally be passed on even if you don’t have any lesions at the time (for the pp who said she has herpes but it’s totally fine for her not to mention it to a sexual partner as it won’t be passed on…)

I am feeling a bit daft .... but it would never have occurred to me that he could possibly get the wart virus because you had it active on your cervix. I can see the issue if you had active warts in your vagina ...but surely he would have to touch your cervix to transfer the wart virus? Or do the cells shed off your cervix?

maybe offer to pay for him to be vaccinated?

@Britneyfan true, but I think that PP meant oral herpes / cold sore which is true, you rarely hear of anyone asking a partner “do you ever get cold sores?” Or telling them.

I think a lot of people don’t realise you can then pass this genitally with oral sex, they don’t think of cold sores as “herpes” they have no idea it’s the literal same thing in many cases, and that it can be passed on without a visible sore.

That’s how a lot of people end up with herpes these days!

Another PP mentioned the stigma isn’t the same, which is also true and baffling.

The amount of times I’ve heard people go “ewww herpes” that actually themselves get cold sores on their face is unreal.

Mine is type 2, sadly, so I’m the great unwashed / a leper to the folk on here who, ironically, are statistically likely to have HSV1 / HPV at some point in their lives and not even realise.

Such is life

I know you understand that this is really bad.

You need to be honest going forward.

I had genital warts nearly 20 years ago, thankfully they never returned. I know that I mentioned it to DH at the beginning.

Most importantly for you, stop having unprotected sex, next time it might be HIV.

You're not with this man long enough to be taken huge risks, wait until you're on a longterm loving relationship.

The HIV and gonorrhoea viruse is rampant.

Oh OP....why would you do that. I have genital herpes, so I have experience with telling potential partners. (I know that herpes, or HSV, is a different thing from HPV.)

I have always told people upfront, really early, and not while stuff is going down. You don't want to be telling people while you're half-naked and excited. Telling people really early also has a protective effect on you, in that if they're going to reject you for it, your heart is not yet involved.

I have had a 50% "acceptance rate." That is, 50% have not wanted to continue, and the other 50% didn't care.

I take Valtrex and I tell them that although I take it, it's far from perfect. Generally, they go away and do some research about HSV and Valtrex, sometimes consult their doctors.

While you do get rejected half the time, in my experience, that's a small thing compared to the warm glow you get from being really honest, upfront and early, and doing the right thing.

I think you can fix the situation and get back to being someone who does the right thing.

1. Tell him.
2. Be prepared to take the loss, as a consequence of your choice. Behave well over it; don't beg and plead, just accept the consequence, if he ends things.
3. In the future, vow to ALWAYS tell people upfront and early.

You will feel better for it.

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There's another lesson in this thread....I am SHOCKED at the number of posters who have been lied to about STIs. We should always, always ask for proof of their results. It's a litmus test; if they get shifty or can't produce them, then you can't trust what they say.

I recently rejected a man who is older, like me, loves to shag around, and has NEVER EVER had any STI tests. He refused point-blank. So that was that, for me. I'm too old to put up with such nonsense as someone who's too irresponsible to get STI tests. Total dealbreaker.

We have to keep our standards high and set boundaries if we don't want to get sick.

That is exactly what happened to me. Husband gave me HSV1 on my genitals via oral sex. Obviously we didn't do it while he had a cold sore, but the virus often sheds with no sore.

Awww, you're not a leper!!! Hugs!