Lied to boyfriend about STD. I feel have so much guilt

[wheresamy]

I initially posted this on the relationships board but only 1 person replied. I know there’s more traffic here.

I’m probably going to get some nasty comments, and honestly I can’t blame anyone if they do. I’m 31 now, but back in my early 20s, I had unprotected sex with someone who gave me HPV. I ended up with genital warts, had them removed, and had one flare up a year later, but since then it’s been clear for at least 7-8 years. I haven’t had sex in over 5 years, so I haven’t had to discuss this with anyone.

Recently, I had a smear test, and they found HPV in my sample so I need to go back for another test in 12 months. About two weeks later, I met my current boyfriend, and I didn’t tell him. I didn’t mention it because HPV is so common, and I haven’t had a flare up in a long time.

It’s been weighing on me though. I’ve felt so guilty, so I decided to tell him today. I didn’t mention the warts, just talked about the recent smear test. He asked if I knew about it before we met, and I lied and said no. He was so lovely about it, saying it was okay, that I couldn’t have known and it was just a freak accident. He even said he wouldn’t mind if he got it since it’s very common, but still, I lied.

I feel awful with guilt, and I’m not sure how to move forward knowing I’ve lied. I’m head over heels in love with this man, and I know he might leave me if I tell him the truth, but I’m not sure I can keep going like this. I don’t think he will ever trust or look at me the same way again if I tell him. The crazy thing is I believe he would have stayed with me even if I had been honest. Now, I think he might leave because I lied. I’m so angry at myself.

I’m suppose to see him on the weekend and I’m not sure if I can look him in the eye. What do I do

WTAF.

I think you need to tell him OP and maybe get some counselling or something as that behaviour is unforgivable.

It's not defined solely as HIV. You should know that if you actually "work in law".

You are trying to argue that it is only intentional risk of HIV transmission that's a crime. This is not true.

Using a condom has no guarantee of prepotecting against hpv.

Lesbians can also get hpv as well. It's skin to skin con̈tactics not penetrative sex

OP: Bloke here. I’ve not read the whole thread, but suspect I will probably be going against the consensus of saints who inhabit these forums.

You made a mistake and did something which would be considered wrong. We all do that sometimes, it’s called real life.

Here’s the important bit: you effectively got away with it. Your partner knows now, and you’ll both now take precautions, if needed.

Absolutely no benefit will accrue to anyone by telling the detailed truth now. Nothing will change, and two people will feel bad. So for God’s sake keep your gob shut, then go away and don’t do something like this again. Ever.

You may feel bad about it, but life is not always fun. Consider it a didactic experience. Put it out of your mind and forget about it. The human brain is good at this: it’s how we survive devastating bereavements.

Best wishes to you, OP. This is not as big a deal as you think it is.

@wheresamyWhat did your letter from
the hospital say? It should have contained advice about your diagnosis?

I had HPV show up on a smear test a few years ago. I distinctly remember the letter of advice informing me that it was not an STI and I was under no obligation to tell any sexual partners, which surprised me.

HPV comes from skin contact with an infected person, usually from (but not limited to) sexual contact. You can still transmit HPV if you use condoms, although this does lessen the risk. Similarly, using dental dams during oral sex will reduce the risk of transmission.

Most people (>80%?) have HPV at some point in their life and their immune system kicks it in a couple of years. Advice is to have annual smears until it’s gone. There is no way for men to be tested for HPV. There is no treatment for either sex.

Some strains of HPV can causes genital warts and cancers including cervical, penile, rectal and oesophageal.

Teenage girls and boys are now being vaccinated before they become sexually active and rates of those cancers are dropping as a result. I seem to recall that you can also get the vaccine up to your early 20s, or age 45 if you are a man who has sex with other men. My brother got his vaccine at age 44 from the local sexual health clinic and I was pissed off that I couldn’t!

I think you’re being too hard on yourself OP. I assume your partner has decided to continue a sexual relationship with you now he knows you have a history of HPV. Would he have made the same choice if you’d told him before you slept with him..? Probably. Just have a conversation now about what it means to have a HPV diagnosis and check that he fully understands.

When I told DP I’d tested positive for HPV, he was initially worried. Then he realised he might well have it anyway as we’d been having unprotected sex for years by then, that there was no way of testing whether he had it, and no treatment even if he did. He’s not mentioned it since.

Erm..... You're late to the party. Tell me you didn't RTFT without telling me you didn't RTFT.

Come on guys, surely this thread needs deleting?

This reminds me of the old archeic times when young girls commited suicide when their periods started as they thought it was a sign they were evil/the devil was in them.

Are you ok? She would not be prosecuted for not disclosing a HPV infection. It’s as common as the common cold. It’s not even a STD. You can get HPV from kissing as well as skin touching not just sex. You can have HPV and still be a virgin it’s less likely but possible. The amount of people who are completely uneducated on this subject but clearly have very strong opinions on this is embarrassing. HPV found in a smear test is not in the same boat as herpes or HIV or the clap. Phew 😮‍💨

I too think that you’re overthinking. The majority of people will have had HPV at some point. Does everyone who has ever had an abnormal smear test tell their future partners? Everyone on this thread who has had an abnormal smear, have you mentioned it before being intimate with someone?

Try not to feel guilty, he will have been exposed to HPV before you, unless he was a virgin when you met!

Every single law is written with nuance - the application of it is not. HPV cannot be prosecuted and you’re blowing out your arse googling away trying to prove your wee wrong point. HIV is the only STD that is Untreated Infection = Death which is why it was the only STD to ever be considered criminally, and now with effective treatment it would be very hard to get a conviction for even the deliberate transmission of that. So just stop.

I'm not a troll. I'm stating that it is possible under law in Scotland to prosecute for passing on other infections not just HIV. Whether anyone would take the case is irrelevant. Laughing someone who is distressed enough by being infected by an STD out of the office is more troll like behaviour like @CandleRigg89 would.

I’d certainly laugh you out my office, but first I’d ask you if you had Epstein Barr Virus (you have) so I could make sure I could pursue you criminally if I ever develop lymphoma from it and maybe your droplets were the ones that did it. I’d have zero way of proving it of course but hey, by your own logic I could try!

No worries, there are some crazy responses on here!

No bother, I'll tell my PF she doesn't know what she's talking about.

As many people have said, @wheresamy, the strain that causes warts (which is not herpes) isn’t the same strain tested for during a smear. I don’t think of HPV as an STD, and I’ve had it myself, but this thread shows how much stigma and misinformation still surrounds it. Just do better next time, and by all means use a condom or other contraceptive method, but when it comes to HPV, a condom doesn’t necessarily stop transmission.

This thread!! @wheresamy a lot of misinformation on here. There are many strains of HPV (I had HPV when I was 10 - a verruca on my foot, probably from swimming. That's Hpv and that's how common it is.

As others have said, the smear test only tests for cervical cancer strains, but the vaccine protects against 90% of the genital warts strains too, so it's a good vaccine for those who might not have had any warts. I'm still offered it after my smears, even though I decline it as I think I've been way too exposed to the virus now.

Anyways, I don't personally view HPV as an STI, as its so common and can be transmitted in many different forms.

I don't condone lying and protection should have been used as there would be some risks here (anal and penile from these strains, but honestly, I would say these cancers are pretty rare).

I would go and have a chat with a GUM nurse about your fears and explain what's happened. There will be able to give you more information and maybe calm your fears. You can also get buy HPV tests to test yourself to see if the virus is still in your system.. it may well have gone by now.

Just please use protection in the meanwhile.

I'm not sure that you lied - do you know what strain of HPV they found at the recent smear? It might not be the same as the one that gave you warts. There are 40 strains of HPV and almost everyone who is sexually active comes into contact with HPV, it can come and go and lie dormant for years, many of us will be exposed to multiple strains of it. Only a few strains cause warts. Most people who are infected will clear up the infection in a short time. He may well be carrying HPV anyway, he just wouldn't know because men aren't routinely tested! I think some of the responses are confusing HPV with herpes and you don't need to be too worried.

OP what’s done is done now, try not to be so hard on yourself. Your both fine x

You do that. Maybe then you’d both learn something.

I agree with this. There’s no benefit to either of you.

This was a silly place to ask. You might as well have given everyone rotten tomatoes and put yourself in the stocks!

Put it out of your mind. The fact you feel so terrible shows that you have a good heart and made a mistake.

@CandleRigg89 do you definitely work in law? 🤔

hold on, you’re saying you’re messaging your procurator fiscal at midnight about whether HPV can be prosecuted and she’s saying yes????? 🤣🤣🤣 I find that extremely unbelievable 🤣🤣🤣

But sure, let’s agree to disagree. And let me know if you’re ever successful in prosecuting a common virus. Oh maybe the next time you get covid you can speak with your PF and get the ball rolling!

Don't need to message her.

Wtf, OP? That's just awful.

Not excusing what’s happened. But then he didn’t seem to care about protecting himself either 🤷🏻‍♀️ so he was quite willing to put himself at risk, because imagine you could have anything and he didn’t care that much.
And the same goes for yourself, how do you know if he has any STD’s 🤷🏻‍♀️