What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

[Pladi]

Fiancé and I met in our mid 20s in London. He is Norwegian. I have always been completely upfront that I would never even contemplate living in Norway. Not even Oslo. I must have made this clear from around the 2nd month of dating. Fiancé accepted that as he hated growing up in a fairly small town anyway.

Since becoming engaged fiancé has requested that we live in Oslo for a year after we marry. Just as an experience. I have said absolutely bloody not. There’s a long list of reasons why I wouldn’t consider this. Fiancé is “confused” as I did spend 18 months in Seattle for work. But Seattle (where I speak the language and am somewhat familiar with the culture) is a very different proposition to Oslo.

Im not happy that he’s changing the goal posts despite the fact I have never been anything but brutally transparent.

Ideally we would live in London for a couple more years then make the move to the burbs.

I’m not being unreasonable, am I?

What's the ultimatum?

Well he’s implied I’m being unfair and unreasonable and that changes how he views our relationship. He hadn’t exactly said he will dump me but it was somewhat he would have to reconsider things. It’s all a bit too manipulative for my liking.

You're unreasonable for saying "burbs" 🤢

Why is there a blanket no on your part? Sounds like he made some adjustments for you like going to Seattle. Marriage is about compromise. You need to break this down more, why does he particularly want to go back to Norway? Is it to be close to family or is it purely that he wants to live somewhere else outside of London and this is what he is familiar with?

not the point but what’s wrong with Norway?

if you’d said Saudi Arabia or Texas I’d be on your side

You don’t sound very compatible. A good marriage is for life. You are refusing to accept your partner feels connected to his homeland, and he is not accepting that you mean what you say when you refuse to move there.
He should find someone more flexible and you should find someone who wants to live in the burbs.

As long as it was just a year I'd be up for that? New experience before kids come, new language.
Norway is actually lovely and the bakeries are amazing. We spent some time there about 15 years ago and I still dream about the bakeries.
I think youre being a little unreasonable to not even talk about it.

I feel like you should learn to speak the language of the man youre marrying

I dont think youre unreasonable but I can see why he feels unhappy, its like youre not interested in his country and culture x

People do change their minds about things, especially with age, and this seems like quite a natural thing for your fiancé to change his about. This isn't really the same as 'moving the goal posts'. It's his home country, after all. Why are you so dead against it?

Norway has some of the best childcare and at a low cost.
Whilst I get not wanting to be pushed into an ultimatum if you both have working opportunities then I wouldn't rule it out so quickly.

Might be fun, Oslo is a cool city
Why don't you want to?

I think he needs to reconsider the relationship. I do think you’re unreasonable with your blanket no. I guess the sensible answer is to split now, as he is clearly not happy with your plans for your living arrangements, and even if he accepts it now, it will no doubt resurface later down the line.

You’re not compatible.

I would never dream of moving after children - you might be stuck there without his permission to take them back. And before children, could you take that long away from your job without torpedoing your career?

It's one year. You'll have to compromise during marriage. it's a two way street.

I’d rather live in Norway than the uk. I mean if you’ve been clear since day 1 fair enough but honestly use are not compatible of you aren’t willing to compromise he will resent you eventually. Not sure why you couldn’t do the year you might grow to love it.

Both of you are entitled to change mind about location. While he may have been fine with it before, things change.
At least you save on divorce since it's such a flat out no for whatever reason?

Its not manipulative.
Hes thinking of his future and what his life will look like with you. Someone unmovable to his wants

So, he is right to consider this a deal breaker.
You're not wrong to say you won't move. But you need to marry someone with that same idea.

Theres no point holding it over him that he agreed to this in his early 20s. Thats a life time ago and now hes considering forever.

Its probably best to sit down with him and tell him hes known from the start you won't live there, that hasn't changed and it won't change, and if that's a deal breaker for him you understand and you can call it quits.

So it's your way or the highway? Not really a good foundation for a marriage and I don't blame him for reconsidering.

I suspect he's hoping that you'll stay on Oslo once you get there, my DH promised a move that never materialised and once you have kids , you're stuck.

I think neither of you is right or wrong about living in Norway in principle and you can’t say never for the whole life. If someone told me in 1995 that in 30 years I would live in UK I would die from laughing. The problem is that from the very beginning you told him about desire to stay in UK and nothing changed apart from your engagement so it looked indeed like an ultimatum. Your start position was always clear - to stay in London so in a way it’s take it or leave it. He signalled to you that he took it so if he changed his view it’s better to let you know asap.

It's tempting to reply yabu because I like Oslo and loved living abroad in my twenties. But you don't want that and have been clear from the start. It's a tricky one. I don't think he's unreasonable to want both of you to live in his homeland for a bit. You'd also get to see a different side to him - people are generally more themselves in their home environment, native language etc. I guess neither of you are unreasonable exactly. Maybe incompatible like PP said.

Guess you have to call his bluff if you really don't want to.

If it comes to it are you prepared to separate over it?

Oh I’d go in a heartbeat 💕 I love Oslo (I realise I’ve completely missed the point of the thread…) good luck with whatever you decide x