What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

[Pladi]

Fiancé and I met in our mid 20s in London. He is Norwegian. I have always been completely upfront that I would never even contemplate living in Norway. Not even Oslo. I must have made this clear from around the 2nd month of dating. Fiancé accepted that as he hated growing up in a fairly small town anyway.

Since becoming engaged fiancé has requested that we live in Oslo for a year after we marry. Just as an experience. I have said absolutely bloody not. There’s a long list of reasons why I wouldn’t consider this. Fiancé is “confused” as I did spend 18 months in Seattle for work. But Seattle (where I speak the language and am somewhat familiar with the culture) is a very different proposition to Oslo.

Im not happy that he’s changing the goal posts despite the fact I have never been anything but brutally transparent.

Ideally we would live in London for a couple more years then make the move to the burbs.

I’m not being unreasonable, am I?

To be honest in the current global economy i think norway is probably quite a good place to be.

Its hard. He might have genuinely thought he was ok with not going back there but now be missing it. Its not unreasonable of him to ask if you could consider it.

I do think if you are marrying him you should be trying to learn to speak Norwegian. How will you speak to his family, nieces and nephews etc who might be cousins to your own children?

"if you love him and want to marry him you would do both wherever in the world."

^ except this doesn't apply to the boyfriend it seems?

YANBU, I wouldn’t entertain this at all either. I’m far too close to my family to leave. He should have taken you at your word!

Yes neither are to blame really, it’s just how they each feel.

I’d be a bit concerned that you don’t communicate with each other/ it’s not clear what is a request vs what is an ultimatum. In your updates you seem v focused on what YOU have, your twin, your friends etc - what does he have? Are you (both) thinking as a we and not a me?

fwiw - Oslo is a short flight and budget airlines are available. Our friends there seem to have a v agreeable quality of life, long summer off, etc. Why are you so averse to even considering it?

I think YANBU purely because you’ve made it extremely clear from the start. However I think it would be a good opportunity, Norway has a much better quality of life than the U.K. imo and I’d try it out in a heartbeat if I could.

It only applies to women. Obviously. 🙄 We’re childish teenagers who won’t compromise but men who want to live in their home country have a connection and have every right…

Yanbu OP. To the people saying you should compromise- no you bloody well shouldn't, you made it explicitly clear when you got together that this was a hard boundary, and he didn't need to stay with you if this was important to him.

I'm a bit skeptical about why he wants this - why does he want to do this 'for the experience' when

• he grew up here and moved away ie has already experienced it
• you've already done a month and didn't enjoy it
• he had 6 years to raise this as something he wanted

I'd be slightly worried that he has realised that this is it, if you get married and have kids then they won't be close to his family, and he wants to try and remedy that...permanently

I’m surprised at many of the responses here, OP. You made it clear, right from the start, that you never wanted to live in Norway. If the question related to children and you’d made it clear from the off that you never wanted them, I think the answers here would be more supportive!

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of your fiancé to ask you again to live there, but I don’t think he can get all huffy because you haven’t changed your mind. Behaviour like that, or issuing ultimatums, would have me rethinking marriage, tbh.

My mother failed English at school but has lived and worked here for over 60 years. Speaking a language when you are immersed in it is totally different to spending 2 hours a week learning how to conjugate verbs.

I’m not sure that you are cut out for marriage.

It doesn’t really matter if it’s Oslo or Oswestry; neither of you are being unreasonable. You’ve made it perfectly clear that it’s not something you’d ever be willing to consider. And, as for him, people change as they get older. What might have been fine a few years ago might well sound awful now.

What’s important is what happens next. This is a major thing, right up there with attitudes about children, money and division of household labour. If you don’t agree on these things, and can’t find a workable compromise, your marriage is destined to fail. So do you accept that you want different things in life and split now? Or do you go through with a marriage knowing it can’t possibly succeed without one of you being deeply unhappy?

Bonkers isn't it.

I've lived overseas, loved the experience but my home is here. It's as if it's taboo or close minded nowadays to want to be in the UK.

That’s not needed. People don’t have to move.

Except that if someone has changed their mind they should be open about their reasons, their feelings, their long term plan, they should introduce the idea and give theor partner some time to think about it, and acknowledge they have dropped a grenade into the relationship by completely changing the goalposts that were agreed at the outset. Not just so a 180 and drop an implied ultimatum on their partner for the sake of an 'experience'

I'd give my right arm to live in Norway! But if it's a red line for you then you should probably move on as this marriage isn't going to work. No-one is right or wrong, you're just not compatible.

I'd say he's looking for a way out of the relationship.

It might be reasonable for him to change his mind but why are all the posters who are so desperate to defend him ignoring that he’s not only changed his mind, he’s told OP off for not changing hers and said she has to change her opinion whenever he changes his?

That’s not at all reasonable.

Even if you think commitment and agreement in a marriage (which I guarantee those posters only apply to things they don’t care about), why is he reasonable in berating OP for holding to a preference about her own life when he won’t compromise on his preference?

People seem to think the title of the thread is “should I like Norway?”

I would agree but just make it very clear that it is just 1 year and you wouldn't want to live there long term, just incase he's hoping you go there and want to stay.

To be honest Norway has one of the best quality of life and living standard in the world. It’s far better than the UK at this point. I’d be up for it!

And this isnt even a compromise its literally "do what what he wants"!

100% this!!!

This (my mum uses that expression 'your way or the highway' and I love it).

OP, v you sound very inflexible and too much like hard work. I'm not surprised he's reconsidering. Can't you see that it's not really this issue that's making him reconsider but it's your attitude?

I can sense your anger at his change in mind… he probably didn’t see it coming either. You don’t want to move because you’d miss home, family, language. He didn’t know he’d miss those things. Neither of you are wrong but you can’t compromise … you could both get a mobile job and live 6 months in each and work remotely as an example(not easy)

I know you feel you’ve been mis sold… which is possibly not true. He misses feeling truly at home… you know you can’t feel truly at home in his country. Not sure this is surmountable op

One year in his country vs the rest of their lives in hers is very much a compromise.