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Original poster

What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

460 replies

Pladi · 13/08/2025 19:02

Fiancé and I met in our mid 20s in London. He is Norwegian. I have always been completely upfront that I would never even contemplate living in Norway. Not even Oslo. I must have made this clear from around the 2nd month of dating. Fiancé accepted that as he hated growing up in a fairly small town anyway.

Since becoming engaged fiancé has requested that we live in Oslo for a year after we marry. Just as an experience. I have said absolutely bloody not. There’s a long list of reasons why I wouldn’t consider this. Fiancé is “confused” as I did spend 18 months in Seattle for work. But Seattle (where I speak the language and am somewhat familiar with the culture) is a very different proposition to Oslo.

Im not happy that he’s changing the goal posts despite the fact I have never been anything but brutally transparent.

Ideally we would live in London for a couple more years then make the move to the burbs.

I’m not being unreasonable, am I?

OP posts:
fthisfthatfeverything · 13/08/2025 19:57

If u go u he won’t come back home -

Rhaidimiddim · 13/08/2025 19:57

Pladi · 13/08/2025 19:06

Well he’s implied I’m being unfair and unreasonable and that changes how he views our relationship. He hadn’t exactly said he will dump me but it was somewhat he would have to reconsider things. It’s all a bit too manipulative for my liking.

Show quote history

I'm with you in thinking this is manipulative.
You say you don't ever want to move to Norway. He agrees, and you proceed with the relationship.

You get engaged. Then he decides he does want to live in Norway - ' just for a year'. He changed the goalposts, not you.

I'd bet, if you moved there 'just for a year' he'd change the goalposts again.

Stick to you guns! Take some long holidays in Norway, to show willing, but don't let him lead you step by step, through ultimatums, to a conclusion he wants but you have said from the start you don't.

TY78910 · 13/08/2025 19:58

So it’s your way or the highway? Don’t you think you’re giving him an ultimatum too?

It’s fine to not want to live in Norway, and it’s also fine to change your mind and want to go back to your home country for whatever reason. If that’s not compatible then that’s that, but nobody here would be unreasonable.

healthybychristmas · 13/08/2025 19:58

People change. Maybe it's best you break up now and you live the life you want and he lives the life he wants. FWIW I don't think he will struggle to meet someone who fancies a European passport!

gannett · 13/08/2025 19:58

You're not compatible. That's really all there is to it. It's that simple and it's not that deep.

He's not unreasonable to have changed his mind - about anything, but spending time in his home country as he got older was completely predictable, no matter what he told you earlier on.

You're not unreasonable to have not changed your mind. (You are unreasonable and incurious to pass up a year in Oslo in favour of the utterly fucking boring "a few more years in London then a life in suburban tedium" though.)

You're unreasonable to think he should have predicted he would change his mind and break up with you due to some sort of premonition?

This is something couples split up over all the time and it's par for the course that you will too.

TheDogOnlyEatsBiscuitsIfTheyreDippedInTea · 13/08/2025 19:58

I don’t think either of you is being unreasonable, you both want to live in your home country. He may have thought that wasn’t important to him before, but it can become more important as you get older, settle down, possibly think about children etc. The relationship won’t work, one of you needs to end it. It doesn’t sound like he’s giving you an ultimatum, he’s just saying the same as you really, just later in the relationship, but still early enough that the relationship can be ended without too much trouble as it’s only been a few years and you’re not married and I’m presuming no kids as you haven’t mentioned any. He’s absolutely right to say how he feels and that he may need to rethink things.

ColinVsCuthbert · 13/08/2025 19:59

Also, another thing to note is that in certain European countries, if you have children there, and you are married to a citizen you cannot legally remove the children from the country without parental consent or a court order, or it is seen as abduction. I'm not sure if Norway is one of them. Worst case, you could be trapped living in a country where you don't want to be until children are 18. Be very careful with this one. It might just be one year abroad, but I've rarely met anyone who did this and it was just one year.

mrpenny · 13/08/2025 19:59

Sparklybanana · 13/08/2025 19:11

As long as it was just a year I'd be up for that? New experience before kids come, new language.
Norway is actually lovely and the bakeries are amazing. We spent some time there about 15 years ago and I still dream about the bakeries.
I think youre being a little unreasonable to not even talk about it.

Speaking as someone who married a foreigner, there really are many compromises to be made. I personally feel you really have to love in the other persons country , if only for a. short time, to truly understand where they are coming from..literally and metaphorically!

PrissyGalore · 13/08/2025 20:00

I don’t see it as an ultimatum but something he deeply wants to try. You don’t. Neither of you are ‘wrong’ but you both want different things. If neither is prepared to compromise for the sake of the relationship and do it willingly, then it’s best to break up. But don’t have a go at him for changing his mind or imply you have the moral high ground because you were always up front. Life isn’t always so clearly defined and it’s possibly come to crunch time. At least there are no children involved whatever you both decide.

mrpenny · 13/08/2025 20:00

Pladi · 13/08/2025 19:26

I’m also very happy with my social life in the UK. I have two sisters I’m close to (one is my twin). And I just became an aunt. I also have a really great group of friends. I am very blessed and would miss them all terribly. Even if it’s only for a year. My family spends a lot of time together.

I hate feeling like an outsider also

Edited

How does he feel as an ‘outsider’ here?

BunnyLake · 13/08/2025 20:01

Pladi · 13/08/2025 19:29

Then he should have broken up with me 6 years ago

Show quote history

It’s possible he had no intention of ever moving back there six year’s ago, but people change.

I honestly can’t see a way forward if he feels he will want to go back to Norway or starts to feel he would like his children brought up there. I can’t see how you can both be happy in the future as one of you (most likely him) will have to sacrifice something pretty significant.

Eenameenadeeka · 13/08/2025 20:02

I don't think you are unreasonable to not want to move, but I also don't think he's unreasonable for wanting to.(And I think it's ok to have changed his mind on it) At least you both have time to consider if it's really the right thing for you to get married, it might be too big of an issue and make you incompatible but at least you know that before children.

weareallcats · 13/08/2025 20:02

Gosh, I’d be there in a flash!

Rhaidimiddim · 13/08/2025 20:03

ConfusedSloth · 13/08/2025 19:22

You shouldn’t have said the city. If you’d not said then people would’ve assumed it was a “poor” country or one outside Europe and been on your side.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You made very clear that you have a boundary. Just because he, I or other posters think Oslo is great doesn’t change what your boundary is. You said no, very early on and very clearly, to living there and he agreed. Now he’s changed his mind.

Further, it’s very interesting that he wants to live there after you’re married for a year. What happens after that year when he won’t move back to London? A divorce in Norwegian courts where you don’t understand the system or speak the language? Why not before marriage when you can freely walk away if he doesn’t want honour his promise to move back? How can you trust that he’ll move back when he’s already changed his mind once?

Ultimately, is doesn’t matter who is reasonable though. You don’t want to live there and, even if you agreed to go for a year, cannot trust that he won’t change his mind. If he is adamant that you must either go with him or the relationship ends, you can’t force him to stay.

These are points that I hadn't considered, and they support my argument in an earlier post: and my suspicion that he is planning ahead in bad faith.

Especially the bit about getting married before the move, instead of after a trial periof.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 13/08/2025 20:04

Pladi · 13/08/2025 19:06

Well he’s implied I’m being unfair and unreasonable and that changes how he views our relationship. He hadn’t exactly said he will dump me but it was somewhat he would have to reconsider things. It’s all a bit too manipulative for my liking.

Show quote history

Unless you want a marriage where he uses this to club you over the head with his wanting to move and you refusing, along with him resenting you and maybe pulling something untoward down the road, you really need to rethink the relationship.

He has changed. Nothing wrong with that, except his "change" is not going to be what you want. That's fine, but you both need to move on from each other.

RuthChrisSt · 13/08/2025 20:04

Unfortunately goal posts do move, it's part of being in a long term relationship. He's not unreasonable to ask and you're not unreasonable to say no. You're obviously not compatible.

Mauro711 · 13/08/2025 20:05

BunnyLake · 13/08/2025 20:01

It’s possible he had no intention of ever moving back there six year’s ago, but people change.

I honestly can’t see a way forward if he feels he will want to go back to Norway or starts to feel he would like his children brought up there. I can’t see how you can both be happy in the future as one of you (most likely him) will have to sacrifice something pretty significant.

Show quote history

I would say that UK has also changed a lot in the last 6 years, and not for the better. Quality of life is so much better in Norway, and if I had the choice of bringing up my kids in Norway or London/London suburb today I know I wouldn't be able to choose London even though I lived there when my kids were small 10-15 years ago and loved it.

godmum56 · 13/08/2025 20:06

chatgptsbestmate · 13/08/2025 19:51

She can be as unwavering as she wants.

He wants to live in his home country and no relationship will get past that, long term

Show quote history

this, which is why i said don't waste any more time

OnceIn · 13/08/2025 20:06

If it’s a deal breaker for you, then that’s that really. He’s entitled to change his mind, we all are. But if it’s a deal breaker for him too, you’re at an impass

LuckyNumberFive · 13/08/2025 20:07

KrisAkabusi · 13/08/2025 19:55

I will never understand men or women who meet someone while they're abroad and expect them to move.

He doesnt expect her to move. He's made what seems a reasonable request for her to try it for a while. People change over time. Neither he nor the OP are the same people they were eight years ago. And he does have a point that despite her saying she would never live anywhere else, she did go to the US for 18 months.

And she's said no. Repeatedly. Having made it clear the entire relationship. Unless he's expecting her to change to her mind there's no point in badgering her further or implying he'll be reconsidering the engagement if she doesn't move.

There's also nothing to say the 18 month move to the US was while they were together. It's very different moving on your own as a single person to climb the career ladder vs moving to be closer to a boyfriends family, friends and home town. One is temporary, the other may not feel as temporary when he's moved back.

prelovedusername · 13/08/2025 20:07

It doesn’t matter how great Norway is, the OP said she wouldn’t live there and he’s now trying to edge her into doing so.

If he wants to live in Norway, which is a perfectly reasonable thing for a Norwegian to do, he needs to find a woman who shares that wish. Doesn’t sound like that’s you OP.

UneFoisAuChalet · 13/08/2025 20:08

I think you’re being completely unreasonable and should just marry a Londoner or something.

My husband and I are from different countries - 8 hour flight. You never know what comes at you in life. If you love him and want to marry him, you would do both wherever in the world.

I didn’t want to go the UK, but at a point in our lives my husband needed to be with his family. I know that if I needed or wanted to go home, he wouldn’t say no. And if he did, he’s not the one for me.

FrippEnos · 13/08/2025 20:08

IMO, once he gets you over there it will be one excuse after the other not to come back, especially as he has put this forward as an ultimatum.

Spindrifts · 13/08/2025 20:09

Depends how much you love him. My cousin had an Australian wife and she said when they first married: Follow your man wherever he goes. Yes, they did go back to Oz and what did she do, He came home one day and she was gone complete with child etc. So, she didn't stick to what she preached. Ask yourself what lies down the road.

Scottishskifun · 13/08/2025 20:09

A big part of making marriage work is about communication and compromising OP.
Honestly your posts read quite like a teenager saying but I don't want to. No looking into it no examination of options etc.
If your unable to even discuss it properly and examine options for it then marriage isn't for you and neither one of you will be happy.

I'm also rubbish at languages but it takes being absorbed into it to really learn.