What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

[Pladi]

Fiancé and I met in our mid 20s in London. He is Norwegian. I have always been completely upfront that I would never even contemplate living in Norway. Not even Oslo. I must have made this clear from around the 2nd month of dating. Fiancé accepted that as he hated growing up in a fairly small town anyway.

Since becoming engaged fiancé has requested that we live in Oslo for a year after we marry. Just as an experience. I have said absolutely bloody not. There’s a long list of reasons why I wouldn’t consider this. Fiancé is “confused” as I did spend 18 months in Seattle for work. But Seattle (where I speak the language and am somewhat familiar with the culture) is a very different proposition to Oslo.

Im not happy that he’s changing the goal posts despite the fact I have never been anything but brutally transparent.

Ideally we would live in London for a couple more years then make the move to the burbs.

I’m not being unreasonable, am I?

irrelevant. As has been said upthread, everyone is entitled to have dealbreakers. There is no point discussing or examining options if the "thing" is a dealbreaker. I agree that this means that the relationship is dead though.

He hasn't said any of that. He hasn't made an ultimatum either. OP has perceived that he has insinuated that he would break up with her if she doesn't move. All he has done is open the idea up for discussion by suggesting they spend a year there. He hasn't told her off or demanded that she changes her mind. He's free to express his feelings too.

My English cousin and his Norwegian wife have recently decided to leave Norway, because they find it too insular and judgemental.

He is clearly trying to get you to spend time in Norway OP, with a view to persuading you to stay there.

But op’s friends and family matter a lot to her.

He wants: one year in Oslo and then a life in England.
She wants: no time in Oslo and a life in England.

He’s demanding: one year in Oslo and then a life in England.

What exactly is he compromising on? Or are you trying to defend by calling him a liar who is telling OP he wants one year there to trap her into living there permanently?

So you’re calling OP a liar? Noted.

Were you there? You seem to have information that contradicts what OP has said.

YABU and YANBU. It’s fair enough to say that you made your position clear at the beginning, but you’re BU in not considering his feelings. Perhaps he feels like you’re rejecting his culture and country? Perhaps he wants to share it with you so you can experience it properly? Perhaps he’s worried that if you have children you’ll totally erase/ignore their Norwegian heritage?

Why not compromise? Could you go for 6 months, for example? Promise to visit with him every year for a week or two?

My DSis is married to someone from another European country and although they live in the U.K., they spend a few weeks each year in his home country; she’s learnt some basic language; his family visit regularly; and their DC are bilingual.

If you do spend a year there it is better to do it before you marry, not after.

I understand that uprooting and changing job for a year doesn't seem attractive to you.

However, it sounds you are hoping he would just forget about being from Norway and having any connections there.

You don't like Norway, you don't like Oslo, you don't like his family, you gave up on a language, you don't like feeling like an outsider, but you don't do much to feel more inside.

Imagine you would have children with him - would you be ready to welcome his family in England? Spend some time over there every year so the children would have contact with their family?

Even if you don't live there long-term, I can't see the relationship working unless you find a way to work with Norway (as a happy regular visitor).

Yes. He is driving a wedge. He wants to move back to Norway.

Say no and remind him that you said this right from the start

If you moved there for a year I think he wouldn’t want to move back, if he wants to desperately get out of London then maybe move to the burbs earlier than ye had planned, that might be a compromise

I'm guessing if you are mid twenties you don't want a career break but would rather push on with your career in uk

Well no, but nowhere in OPs post does it say what you said: he’s told OP off for not changing hers and said she has to change her opinion whenever he changes his?.

Has someone already said LTB?

OP...don't marry him. Find someone else while you are still young and vibrant! 😘

I think if you can spend time considering a move there and what that would look like for you in terms of all areas of your life and wellbeing and you’re sure it’s still a no, then all you can do is be honest about it and it’s down to your fiancé to make his decision. By spending time considering it, you’re putting in effort to show you’re willing to think things through, and if it’s a no he’s not going to be shocked by it. Just prepare yourself for your relationship to end. It’s important for you both to be your authentic selves and if that’s apart then so be it,

Leave him

Where does it say he was involved with OP working in Seattle ? OP says ’I did spend 18 months in Seattle for work’. Nothing more.

"Pladi · Today 19:26

I’m also very happy with my social life in the UK. I have two sisters I’m close to (one is my twin). And I just became an aunt. I also have a really great group of friends. I am very blessed and would miss them all terribly. Even if it’s only for a year. My family spends a lot of time together.

I hate feeling like an outsider also"

Do you get thats how he feels all the time? Do you have any smpathy for that? Its not coming across in your posts. Do you love him and want him to be happy?

Its fine for this to be a dealbreaker. Its also fine for him to get older and feel more differently about things. The longer you are away from your home country the harder it can get. In your twenties your friends are all scattered across the palce. As your finding now , when you get older people start having kids and it makes some people think about what kind of life do they want for their kids.

I moved to england 25 years ago and marriend an English man 10 years ago. I knew hed never move to my home country and i was fine with that. But it doesnt mean i dont miss home sometimes. When he made that agreement with you hed probably only been away for a couple of years and he was in his twenties. Its much more different when you get older and start thinking about if your parents are going to need care or that you wont have a relationship with your nephews and nieces.

I say all that to say you're not wrong to not want to live there, but he also isnt wrong to change his mind . If you cant find a compromise then better to let each other go now.

Don’t do it. You’re familiar enough with the place to know you don’t like it. There’s no reason for you to ‘try it’. I think you’re right to think he’ll refuse to move back.

Who is to say it won't turn permanent? if OP then has children but wants to come back, it could get tricky.

Maybe he was just human and thought he could cope with never going back but found the reality far harder. I mean I know how much you all hate men on here but real life isn’t that black and white unfortunately .

What does it mean for your career and job?
Tbh I would do it before you are married though and postpone the wedding date. So a year in oslo and then both sit down and decide which country you want to settle in. You are giving him the same ultimatum by refusing to even try, just you gave it at the beginning and he is giving it now.
I also think that I would be learning the language of the person I am marrying regardless of if I want to live in their country. Your kids will have Norwegian heritage and it should be important to you that they can learn the language and culture.

I’m not sure. It sounds like he may be feeling homesick. Unfortunately you’re both going to face this, and may need to alternate where you live, or compromise in some way. If I was faced with ‘I’m not living where you were from ever’ it would possibly make me question things. What you’re effectively saying is that ‘while we’re together you will never live where you came from’. Yes you say he’s from a small town, but there’s the culture he’s from. Take it as an opportunity to either grow together and broaden your experiences, or as a no go. If it’s a no go, you’ve both had a luck escape. Sorry if it sounds harsh, you both need to be clear on this from the start or you’ll do yourselves no favours

I think this is sensible.

He said, according to OP “I’m being unfair and unreasonable and that changes how he views our relationship. He hadn’t exactly said he will dump me but it was somewhat he would have to reconsider things.”

That is very much a telling off and expecting she change her mind just because he does. It cannot be interpreted any other way