What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

[Pladi]

Fiancé and I met in our mid 20s in London. He is Norwegian. I have always been completely upfront that I would never even contemplate living in Norway. Not even Oslo. I must have made this clear from around the 2nd month of dating. Fiancé accepted that as he hated growing up in a fairly small town anyway.

Since becoming engaged fiancé has requested that we live in Oslo for a year after we marry. Just as an experience. I have said absolutely bloody not. There’s a long list of reasons why I wouldn’t consider this. Fiancé is “confused” as I did spend 18 months in Seattle for work. But Seattle (where I speak the language and am somewhat familiar with the culture) is a very different proposition to Oslo.

Im not happy that he’s changing the goal posts despite the fact I have never been anything but brutally transparent.

Ideally we would live in London for a couple more years then make the move to the burbs.

I’m not being unreasonable, am I?

You shouldn’t have said the city. If you’d not said then people would’ve assumed it was a “poor” country or one outside Europe and been on your side.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You made very clear that you have a boundary. Just because he, I or other posters think Oslo is great doesn’t change what your boundary is. You said no, very early on and very clearly, to living there and he agreed. Now he’s changed his mind.

Further, it’s very interesting that he wants to live there after you’re married for a year. What happens after that year when he won’t move back to London? A divorce in Norwegian courts where you don’t understand the system or speak the language? Why not before marriage when you can freely walk away if he doesn’t want honour his promise to move back? How can you trust that he’ll move back when he’s already changed his mind once?

Ultimately, is doesn’t matter who is reasonable though. You don’t want to live there and, even if you agreed to go for a year, cannot trust that he won’t change his mind. If he is adamant that you must either go with him or the relationship ends, you can’t force him to stay.

Tbh I could spend a summer there. Maybe. I just am not a fan of very cold and dark winters. At all. I find Oslo a bit claustrophobic after a week or two. We once spent a month there and I was counting down the days.

I also hate spending extended amounts of time in where I don’t speak the language. Obviously they pretty much all speak good English but there is definitely a communication barrier. Sarcasm etc

Fiances friends and family are nice but I find the majority to be a bit blunt and judgmental. We never can get pass superficial topics of conversation

I’m also worried he might refuse to move back

Urm, so you think he gets to say “it’s my way or the highway” but should dump OP for the exact same mindset? Even though OP’s mindset was a shared and agreed upon mindset?

He’s not unreasonable to change his mind about living in Norway.

You are not unreasonable to not change your mind about living in Norway.

If you had children while living in Oslo and split up with him then you’d be stuck living in Norway or spending 18 years commuting to Oslo.

I’m surprised that you’ve not started learning Norwegian though. Don’t you plan for bilingual children?

This sounds like a massive problem that needs sorting before marriage. A lot of people change their minds about living abroad because they want their families to know their children but you need to ask details about if your brutal honestly wasn’t clear enough. Is it possible that cultural differences didn’t make it clear to him?

I’m also very happy with my social life in the UK. I have two sisters I’m close to (one is my twin). And I just became an aunt. I also have a really great group of friends. I am very blessed and would miss them all terribly. Even if it’s only for a year. My family spends a lot of time together.

I hate feeling like an outsider also

That’s a legitimate worry. You obviously don’t want to be the reason why the marriage ends after 12 months.

It does seem unreasonable that there’s no compromise full stop. Presumably you’re in a country you’ve always been familiar with, he’s not. Effectively you’re telling him he can never live in his own country again if he wants to be with you but it’s ok for you to do it. Maybe he thought you might feel different a few years down the line.

I love London. I've lived here my entire life. I am a classic London wanker. A year in Oslo would be amazing! Surely! Before you settle down and move to the suburban hell of the "burbs". Also, if you're marrying a Norwegian, show you're serious by learning at least a bit of the language.

Then he should have broken up with me 6 years ago

I don't think either of you are wrong or unreasonable. Sometimes people change their minds & there are things you cannot get beyond as a couple. I hope you can work it out.

Absolutely not being unreasonable. You don’t want to live abroad, and have told him so. End of imo. If he really wants to move back for a bit could you handle a long distance relationship for a year? And yes definitely do NOT have a baby over there!! You could be stuck there for 18 years!

You told him straight off that you wouldn't move to Norway.

He's unreasonable to expect you to change your mind.

I do not have a brain for languages. My German teacher told me that at school. I made an effort to learn but I wasn’t getting anywhere to be honest

Then maybe go before marriage. Say you will marry on return to UK.
If any children happen in Oslo before marriage maybe keep him off the birth certificate so you can move easily without his permission… or does it not work like that 🤔

You know that’s not how relationships work in the real world.

Presumably he didn't realise 6 years ago when he was in his mid-20s what it meant to never be able to live in his home country and be near his family and friends again. I didn't have that sort of insight at that age and I moved around internationally for 20 years until I finally returned to my home country.

This isn't something that is going to go away permanently for him, he will get the urge to move back over and over again, even if he doesn't act on it this time. You saying it's a blanket no will just cause resentment and neither of you will be happy. He doesn't want to spend the rest of his life in a UK suburb so you need to not be together.

No, he can just go to court and demand a DNA test if she refuses to acknowledge he is the father.

I will never understand men or women who meet someone while they're abroad and expect them to move.

He met you in London. He pursued a relationship with an English person (presumably) who was clear from the beginning they have no interest in living overseas. It isn't like you met abroard or he moved here to be with you and has sacrificed anything.

Some things don't need compromise, especially when they're life altering decisions. If he doesn't like it he should end the relationship.

If you'd been a firm no from the start on having kids, or being a stay at home mum, or moving to the arse end of nowhere and he'd kept schtum for 6 years hoping you'd change your mind people on here wouldn't be trying to convince you or insist there was a compromise. But because Oslo it's suddenly different.

Either he genuinely accepts you don't want to move or the relationship ends. If not, one will always resent the other.

Surely better to not get married and have children if the relationship is like this?!!! Why would you marry or have children with someone if you can’t agree on where to live for a year if your life!!

It really is moving the goal posts. Assuming tbe OP is accurate when she says she's said all along she's not going to Norway.

Having said that, if he's going to change his mind, before the wedding is the right time, before it's too late.

Hes changed his mind. He's always going to want to spend time in his home country, more so as he gets older and when you have children

If you are absolutely definite that you dont want to live anywhere but the UK, then break up with him and let him be happy

While you’re not necessarily unreasonable not to want to move away temporarily you also sound all about me, me, me. It’s all about your wants, your needs, your family, your social life, your culture, your language. There is no consideration at all for his needs or what he wants or even having a measured discussion about it where you could try to see his viewpoint. I would find that very difficult to get past if I were him. Perhaps this is a good point to reconsider the relationship as both of you can’t seem to make decisions as a family but rather as individuals. Are you aware your children will also be half Norwegian?

This was never going to work out, you couldnt have been totally sure at the beginning that he’d never change his mind. He could’ve have kids with you, and then felt that pull to live back in his home country to be near his family, and then be terribly sad if you didn’t agree. This is a difficulty if a couple from 2 different countries have children and then spilt, it can get messy, depending on that country’s laws. I think split as it sounds like he’s missing home

You don’t really sound like someone who has cultural curiosity, which could cause major headaches over the years. No one is right or wrong I just don't think it will work in the long run.

Don’t most Norwegians speak English? Norway for a year sounds great to me, there are some incredibly beautiful places to enjoy.