What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

[Pladi]

Fiancé and I met in our mid 20s in London. He is Norwegian. I have always been completely upfront that I would never even contemplate living in Norway. Not even Oslo. I must have made this clear from around the 2nd month of dating. Fiancé accepted that as he hated growing up in a fairly small town anyway.

Since becoming engaged fiancé has requested that we live in Oslo for a year after we marry. Just as an experience. I have said absolutely bloody not. There’s a long list of reasons why I wouldn’t consider this. Fiancé is “confused” as I did spend 18 months in Seattle for work. But Seattle (where I speak the language and am somewhat familiar with the culture) is a very different proposition to Oslo.

Im not happy that he’s changing the goal posts despite the fact I have never been anything but brutally transparent.

Ideally we would live in London for a couple more years then make the move to the burbs.

I’m not being unreasonable, am I?

I get it OP. My husband is from Oz. I made it clear very early on that I don't ever want to move there. I don't even want to visit (I know that's unreasonable but it's how I feel as a result of the flight length). If I had an ultimatum like yours, it would be the end for me.

Its totally irrelevant what other people think would be cool or acceptable. He wants something you don't and it seens to be a dealbreaker for both of you. End it now and don't waste any more of his or your time.

Your German teacher was wrong. You clearly have a brain for languages. You are fine with English.

You've been upfront. Oslo is light all the time in summer and dark and miserable in winter. The romance fades pretty quickly when you are cold, have no family nearby, cannot penetrate a social set and there is nothing to do except play ice hockey and drink. YANBU but you are especially justified in this case.

The thing is feelings and emotions can’t be anchored or set down like a goalpost. People’s feelings change all the time, it’s not an unnatural state.

Because one usually turns into two and then he will never want to move. Then op would have kids and she’s stuck there or sending her kids to another country all the time if they split.

Yanbu op. You were completely upfront about that. Think long and hard before you are forced into a situation where you are stuck forever.

Youre not compatible. Neither of you are wrong.

End it now.

Call off the engagement

I knew a couple who couldn't agree on where to live pre marriage, but put it on the back burner, had 2 children, then they tried to figure it out. They divorced and are having a pretty misearble time single parenting in different places. There is a huge risk that he will want to return to Norway one day, that the 1 year becomes multiple. That a move back to the UK instills resentment. You need to work through this with a therapist, or really work through it together, or break up now.

Can’t believe all these people who don’t have a single dealbreaker at all for them in a relationship… really? Not one? At all?

No one here made clear they wanted children or didn’t want children? No one made clear they would or wouldn’t be a SAHM? No one at all wouldn’t compromise on being a carer for their in-laws? No one at all wouldn’t compromise on literally anything?

Or, are all the posters telling OP that absolutely everything must be a compromise - and she’s not allowed to have a single thing she’s unwavering on (even though she was clear and upfront) and must meet him half-way or, according to some, do whatever he wants because it’s his home and Norway is great - actually just being hypocrites?

If you don’t want to, you don’t want to. That’s your right, especially as you always made your position clear.

If it’s a deal-breaker for him, you’ll have to make a difficult decision. But bear in mind that this is likely to be an issue throughout your lives together. Maybe the ideas each of you has about your future together are not compatible.

It also has great maternity/paternity benefits and leave.

She can be as unwavering as she wants.

He wants to live in his home country and no relationship will get past that, long term

He obviously thought wrong didn’t he. Op has been honest about not moving. Maybe he should of been honest about wanting to move back someday

I wonder if your fiance feels excluded from your family. If he finds their conversation superficial, blunt and judgemental.

just a thought.

I agree with this. I see years of resentment from both sides ahead , not to mention the very messy and complicated situation of splitting after you have children. Some things can’t be fixed and I think this pull he has back to Norway is not going to go away. Unless he is ok about just having holidays there?

And the inability to move back to the UK with her kids if she chose to. She'd be stuck in Norway for 18 years, a country she doesn't want to live in or move home alone as the non resident parent and see her kids in the holidays.

Yanbu at all.

I'd happily compromise on Chinese rather than Indian for tea, going to Greece instead of Spain for a holiday. But living somewhere I dont want to? Just no. Not ever.

Hes already pushing against your clear "no". First its just a year, then it'll be "but we're settled now", then he'll push more and more.

I think you need to break up with him now.
you will be unhappy in Oslo he will never be happy without giving it a try - there is just too much compromise.

compromise I suspect over the past 6 years he or both of you were hoping would go away but it hasn’t and it won’t

Well, if it’s a deal breaker for you then you’ll have to walk away.

I appreciate he has changed his mind but why are you so vehemently against living there for a year. You might like it. It’s a beautiful country.

I agree, and I said as much to OP.

That doesn’t change that several posters are saying OP must compromise and marriage is all about compromise and how she has to see his side 🙄

I will never understand men or women who meet someone while they're abroad and expect them to move.

He doesnt expect her to move. He's made what seems a reasonable request for her to try it for a while. People change over time. Neither he nor the OP are the same people they were eight years ago. And he does have a point that despite her saying she would never live anywhere else, she did go to the US for 18 months.

If you move for a year - he’ll change the goal posts again and want 2, 3, 4 etc. as said upthread, you have children abroad you’d better pray the relationship lasts.

it’s not just what he’s saying, it’s the way he’s going about this too. Making out your unreasonable, and doing a 180 and not even acknowledging properly your previous clear communication re not moving there.

it doesn’t matter if you used to live on planet mars, you don’t want to move to Norway.

Oh wow - I would love to move to Norway!!!! So clean, not overcrowded, so much nature everywhere….

You have good things here and it’s not a requirement to want to go somewhere else.

You can say no, if it means a break up though would that change things for you on the answer?