Friend wants me to look after her DC for 4 days

[FlyingHighandDry]

A friend has asked me to look after their 19 month old DS for 4 days / 3 nights in October while they go to a work event abroad (her and her DH work together)

I really really don’t want to do this.
She caught me on the hop asking me and I just stumbled over my words and ended up agreeing.
I will have to take time off from my job eating into my precious annual leave as even though the DC will be in nursery, they are only in 10-4 and my day including commute is 8-6.

They’ve made out like they’re doing me a favour by telling me I won’t need to have their elder DC as well as they have sorted that childcare!

Friend has a way of bulldozing people into doing things for them.
Please help me formulate something to say to back out of this.
I am a people pleaser and know I need to grow a pair….

A lesson taught to me by an ex copper friend. Never use the words 'I'm sorry' or 'I'm afraid' when saying something that they won't want to hear. You are NOT sorry and you're NOT afraid.
You have many great suggestions here, but note that not one of them is in support of you sacrificing yourself for your CF friend!

you know she is not actually a friend, right? A friend woukd ask but always give you time to think and a very clear option to say no (without explanation requires)

this person is not a friend but someone So sees you as useful

sorry but you are being too nice to a person who doors not deserve it

Do you have 'mug' tattooed on your forehead?

If not, woman up and call them immediately - or if it's easier for you - text them and say 'I won't be able to provide childcare for your child on ....dates' - then block them for a while so they get the message.

This is not a friendship. They don't see you as a friend. They see you as staff - free staff so a servant really.

WHO would agree to this??

Thank you all.
I have sent @AbitmoreBert ‘s message

Hi X, really sorry you caught me on the hop earlier.
Having now looked at my diary and my work schedule I’m afraid it’s not going to be possible for me to have Y whilst you are away.

You would be mad to do this.

And I think they are horrible for even thinking it’s ok to ask. Apart from anything else I wouldn’t leave a child that age except with the other parent or a very close grandparent. It’s very likely the child will be distressed.

”Hi friend.., been thinking, and I’m thinking ‘what on earth was I thinking?’ saying I could possibly have xx. In truth I would need to take days off work to accommodate nursery hours, and in all honesty I don’t feel comfortable looking after a child that age while you are out of the country. Xx OP”

Let us know if she replies 😃

Message this person right away.

Tell them that you were caught on the hop (of course that was her intention) and upon thinking the practicalities through carefully, you have determined that this will not be possible.

I can see that you are a nice person, this cheeky fucker has smelt blood in the water a mile off and gone for your neck.

talk back. Cancel.

Tell her she caught you by surprise and you felt under pressure. Say that it's just not possible with work commitments and the fact that you're unable to take on another child for such a long time particularly when the child doesn't know you too well. Tell her you need your annual leave for yourself. I would send her a message rather than phone though. This is something she and her husband need to figure out for themselves

The sorry to let you down text sounds ideal. Has your friend replied yet?
I must admit, I thought that was a very big thing to ask of you!

Well done! I can’t believe she even asked you to do it. Some people have a brass neck.

I can't believe she asked you to have her 19 month old for 4 days.

Hard as it feels you need to send a clear and succinct message saying no.

Perhaps add something along the lines of....

"Just realised I'd have to take leave"
"Can't take time off then/someone else has booked it."
"I've booked my leave already?
"When I agreed I didn't think about the morning drop off/afternoon pick up, the impossibility didn't click"
"I agreed to help before I thought of the implications"

I too am a people pleaser and would procrastinate, try a solution etc. But you could do with sorting this today.

Can those she's foisted her other children onto take their other child?

It has to be said that many 19 month olds would be somewhat disturbed by such a change.

Say: I am really sorry X but I am not able to look after little Y after all as I just don't have the capacity. I can't take time off work. Perhaps you can make alternative arrangements.' Be prepared to lose her friendship but what price friendship when she makes demands like this.

Well done, OP. Best to deal with it immediately rather than agonise! That's a very clear message and leaves her no room to argue ... though she might try. If so, "Sorry, but as I said I can't do that" is all you need.

Started my message before you posted your 'I've told them post'

Please can you let us know what/how they reply.

Your reply was perfect. It’s a bloody big ask. Giving up my own annual leave would be a deal breaker.

Yeah, I wouldn't play the annual leave card, or the oops diary clash thing. It's patently untrue for one thing - who 'just realises' they don't have enough holiday left! And it puts you in the wrong for lying.

For another it's a bit lame and confirms to bulldozer friend that you're too scared to stand up for yourself. Which will be duly noted. Especially when the new holiday year begins.

What's wrong with the real reason, that it's too much to ask and you don't want to do it? Doesn't matter that you didn't come up with that answer straightaway, you're not on a TV quiz. 'I've thought about it, and decided it's not something I'm happy to do. So no.' Job done.

If you can manage it, I wouldn't add 'Sorry' or 'Hope you get it sorted' to that simple statement either. Though that is an Advanced Rebuffal Self-Endorsement technique, to be sure. But it never hurts to be more ARSE!

She mustn’t trust hubby to go on his own with the new office girl 🤭

This everytime! Clear, no excuses or trying to negotiate with her. It's a helluva request for family (they've turned her down obviously, see older child) so she bulldozing her 'friend' into doing it. What a responsibility. A very young child, that you are not related to, with both parents out of the country!

I find it insane that she’s entitled enough to even ask this in the first place 🫣

Glad you were able to work up the courage to message her right away. You'll feel so much better when it's all over and done, and if she so much as acts annoyed or inconvenienced, I'd take that as a sign to distance yourself from her. A normal person decent friend would realise that's a huge ask, and if they asked it at all, they wouldn't try to rush you into giving an answer and would give you an easy out to ensure you weren't feeling forced into agreeing.

Don't agree with this at all. It is very polite to say I'm sorry or I'm afraid. It is just the way polite people express the way they feel. It softens as a buffer for what is coming next. They then conclude by saying: Hope you don't mind too much! Why on earth would I want to change what I have always said because some 'copper' said not to use them. Nonsense. So what do you say: I don't want to look after your child because I have to take annual holiday and I think you are taking advantage of me. Nice friendship ender!

Well done for dealing with it. Your friend is very cheeky.

Oh dear , you panicked , it happens when someone ambushes you , I speak from ( bitter ) experience …
Contact her as soon as possible, firstly offer a brief but polite apology, then explain you won’t be able to help out , keep it simple don’t go into loads of detail , or state things like , the child’s too young , want to save your annual leave etc , she has time to and I’m sure will be able to make alternative arrangements, try not to get sucked into a debate when she protests as I’m sure she will , sounds like an absolute chancer …and saying no now and firmly, will prevent any future ridiculous favours being requested of you , hopefully !
I used to find it very hard to say no to other Mothers requests as I was a SAHM and slowly came to feel cross and taken advantage of ( which I was) I knew I had to change things and realised that sometimes saying no, can be very liberating…. Also yes is hard to change to a firm but calm and polite no ,but I urge you to , you feel so much better . Going forward as with everything remember a no ,can be changed to a yes if you so wish . Good luck

This. You can say you hadn’t realised it was all used up already.