Friend wants me to look after her DC for 4 days

[FlyingHighandDry]

A friend has asked me to look after their 19 month old DS for 4 days / 3 nights in October while they go to a work event abroad (her and her DH work together)

I really really don’t want to do this.
She caught me on the hop asking me and I just stumbled over my words and ended up agreeing.
I will have to take time off from my job eating into my precious annual leave as even though the DC will be in nursery, they are only in 10-4 and my day including commute is 8-6.

They’ve made out like they’re doing me a favour by telling me I won’t need to have their elder DC as well as they have sorted that childcare!

Friend has a way of bulldozing people into doing things for them.
Please help me formulate something to say to back out of this.
I am a people pleaser and know I need to grow a pair….

I have an 18 month old who is also ‘no trouble at all’ but I wouldn’t even ask family to have him. It’s not fair on the child!

This reminds me so much of the Workzilla threads from a few years back, anyone else remember those?

Hi [CF's husband's name],
Let’s be clear. [FlyingHighandDry] is not, and never was, responsible for providing childcare for CF. Expecting her to take four days of annual leave to babysit is beyond entitled.
Posting passive aggressive memes and then dragging me into it was childish and completely out of line.

Another one voting for this.

I’d have your DH text back “You don’t leave your baby for four days with someone who has told you that they don’t want to care for them FFS mate. He’s not a puppy and we aren’t kennels. Are either of you thinking of his best interests in all of this or just your own?”

Kindly OP, but you really need to reframe this.

That woman is a complete CF bully.

That is not normal behaviour.
It is batshit, unhinged territory to imagine a friend would take annual leave for your children for 4 days.

Like totally unhinged.
Do they actually think your husband would tell you what to do?

Batshit.
In your place I would be sharing this story, ask your husband to forward the text, as proof aa to how unhinged she is.

I absolutely believe she intended to dump both children on you.
She clearly thought you were a really soft touch.

Her husband is a twat of the highest order to send that, no doubt dictated to by her.

Save your tears for something important.
She certainly isn't.

I really would be warning any mutual friends as to how she has behaved.

She's going too far now. Posting stupid stuff on Facebook and now trying to guilt you through her husband.

Just ignore it all OP.

She is trying to emotionally black mail you by doing all of this.

The answer is no and thats that.

She's not a friend. A friend wouldn't do this.

CF has now got her DH to message my DH saying how disappointed DF is to be let down by me.

Was the husband 'disappointed' too seeing as it's his kid? Wonder how many of his own friends he's asking.

I’ve been following but haven’t posted as I rarely do when we’re so many pages deep but omfg I cannot believe the audacity of some people. You’re well out of it OP.

Ooo yes I love this.

Wow! The only acceptable response from her to you was, "Oh, I get it. It was a lot to ask."

Granted, I don't think she should have even asked in the first place, but to double down and think you're in the wrong somehow? She's a very self-centered person who thinks the world should cater to her. Love to hear what your DH said to hers.

He’s not a puppy and we aren’t kennels

@Katrinawaves has nailed it…..

OP, what did your husband say? I really hope he has your back here
Has he responded to CF’s husband?

I'd unblock her and respond "I don't take kindly to you attempting to bully me in to looking after your child. I have said no, and that is the end of it. By contacting "DH" you have ensured that I won't look after your child now or in the future, so please don't ask again as the answer will remain no"

She expected you to give up your annual leave to look after her children so she could do something for own job. It really doesn’t get much cheekier than that, OP. She put you on the spot and you needed to think about it - everyone knows that you never agree to anything major without a chance have a cooling off period. You’re well rid!

So did your DH ask if your friend really thought it was OK for you to take precious AL from
your job so you can enable them
both to attend a work trip together?

I think you were right to delete and block her, and see no reason for any further contact. Anything you say will likely be shared.

The only reason to respond would be if you have a clear aim for the communication which you think you can achieve, for example to clear up a misunderstanding. In your case what could any message achieve? Letting them know they've upset you? Trying to change their mind? Trying to get them to agree with your position? It just seems futile.

I hope you're able to put this behind you.

Wow, she’s barmy!

The event is in October so she has at minimum six weeks to find alternative childcare, it’s not as if you said no at the last minute. She’s a total drama queen, let her go, you don’t need someone like her in your life. 💐

I don't think you need to feel bad about this at all. You were put on the spot, said yes, but told your friend very soon after that you've changed your mind. She has adequate time to find childcare but sounds like she tried to guilt trip you by saying otherwise. She's tried to make you feel bad in order to get you to rethink your decision. No real friend would do that to you. I'm sure the trip would be optional for parents, likely worse case scenario would be only one of them goes and the other stays behind to take care of the kids. Have you ever looked after this child for a day or had them stay with you overnight? 4 days and 3 nights is a long time for a child of that age to be left with someone. Sounds like her main concern is taking a trip with her husband with no consideration for how the child will be feeling during that time. Also whilst it may be a work trip they won't be working 24/7 so it is also a break away for both of them, being care/child free and without having to pay you for childcare. You'd be using your annual leave to help her but at a detriment to yourself. We are not obliged to help someone no matter the reason they ask. Nor are we obliged to have to explain our reasons for saying no should we choose to. Out of politeness may be, but you made the right decision for you and that's all that matters. Sounds like you have already cut ties and it seems best in this scenario. She isn't the type of "friend" you need.

I wouldn’t respond. She sounds like the type to thrive on drama. Keep her blocked, which will really annoy her 😂

He needs to respond

‘Seiously? My wife should not even have been asked to take annual leave to watch your child. The entitlement is outrageous. Our children are grown up. This is really over stepping.’

and then I’d be done with the pair of cheeky twats. Good riddance!

I hope you ‘ll let us know any updates with a new thread, OP. These CF really win the gold medal.

I'm wondering what the OP's husband said to the ex-friends husband too, (if anything,) but we won't find out because the thread is full, and the OP hasn't been back since her last update 3 hours ago. (Which is fine as she is very upset, so I'm not having a go.) But unless she starts a new thread with the information, and updates, we'll never know if her DH said anything back to the cheeky fucker's DH. (Again, she doesn't have to start a new thread... I'm just saying.)

Hope you're OK @FlyingHighandDry Please don't let this dreadful woman get to you. I genuinely hope your DH has sent a message to the husband saying it's childish and pathetic that he is messaging him - for his wife, and ludicrous that you are being expected to look after their DC for 4 days. Also, his wife's behaviour is childish and petty, and nothing more than bullying, and that they better never contact either of you again!

Agree.

Tempting to not respond, but the OP's DH needs to really have a go at the husband AND the CF ex friend. Fucking bullies they are!

All the best @FlyingHighandDry Keep us posted if you can/if you feel up to it.