Friend wants me to look after her DC for 4 days

[FlyingHighandDry]

A friend has asked me to look after their 19 month old DS for 4 days / 3 nights in October while they go to a work event abroad (her and her DH work together)

I really really don’t want to do this.
She caught me on the hop asking me and I just stumbled over my words and ended up agreeing.
I will have to take time off from my job eating into my precious annual leave as even though the DC will be in nursery, they are only in 10-4 and my day including commute is 8-6.

They’ve made out like they’re doing me a favour by telling me I won’t need to have their elder DC as well as they have sorted that childcare!

Friend has a way of bulldozing people into doing things for them.
Please help me formulate something to say to back out of this.
I am a people pleaser and know I need to grow a pair….

I wouldn’t even say you can’t get annual leave - she’ll start coming up with “solutions” like you could adjust your hours, or her friend will do drop offs and you’ll do pick ups or etc etc. People like this will bulldoze you and suggest 100 possible solutions - to avoid the most obvious solution that they could just deal with their own childcare!

Seriously , who on earth would expect someone else to take leave to mind their child ??????

I wouldn't be so full of apologies! She's done nothing wrong!

This. I wouldn't give an excuse, and I certainly wouldn't lie. Just say you can't do it.
Don't lie and certainly don't apologise!

Yikes, come on, get a back bone. You cannot use your previous annual leave days for this. Tell her no, you can't due to own work commitments etc.

Best response.

This is sensible.

"Hi, sorry to let you down but it turns out I cant get AL that week as we have a big project on. Thought I would let you know asap so you can make other arrangements."

And do not engage with the pushback.

"As I said I cant get time off that week so I wont be able to look after them" and DO NOT allow her to solve it so she gets her own way. Keep repeating "I am sorry but as I have said, I wont be able to do it".

Just say "Sorry, I thought about a bit more and this really isn't something I want to get involved with. Your son is very young and he needs his parents."

She's not really a friend, is she?

contact her now. Text if you don’t want to speak and tell her that you can’t do it

lie if necessary and say you don’t have annual leave left or you can’t get annual leave and at 19months it’s too much of a responsibility for you and hopefully she can find a family member to help

"Hi Sally, having looked at my diary I can't commit to having little Sebastian while you're away. Hope you get sorted."

No apologies. Don't start with "sorry but.." because you've nothing to be sorry for.

Ding, ding, ding, ding!!!!!!! And the 2025 Cheeky Fucker award goes to……..

Just be blunt. You felt put on the spot and didn’t realise you had to take annual leave - which you are not prepared to do in return as acting as free childcare.

Ring or text and say something like…

you put me on the spot a bit earlier and I said yes without thinking. I have had a chance to think about it now and need to let you know that I can’t help. Sorry.

DO NOT say why you can’t help, she’ll probably reply with a solution! If she does ask why then just be vague and say it doesn’t work for me.

I think this is just right. It's direct and honest but not brutal. I personally think it's fine to say 'sorry, but...' - it's not an actual apology, it's just a word that helps oil the wheels of a refusal.

FFS.
Some of the suggestions proffered are just mental.
Do not use any response that includes the words ‘sorry but’.
Just don’t.
The words you are looking for are “I have thought about this and I cannot do this “
Nothing else.

Hi xxxx
Checked with work and can't take those days off to look after xxx unfortunately.
Hope you get it sorted.

Thanks

I'm bloody ancient and have only recently realised I am actually of some worth.

Don't lie, don't say silly things.

Say she caught you off guard and on reflection it's not for you.

First post nails it.

Do it now so they can dump on someone else and can’t try to emotionally blackmail you by saying it’s too late or ‘But Ava is already looking forward to being with her Auntie Flying’.

I actually think it's reasonable to apologise for agreeing originally and now backing out. I agree no apology (or excuse) needed for not wanting to do it.

I would definitely not blame work as an excuse - it will only give the impression that you would be happy to do it, just not that week.

I recommend just telling her you can’t help and if she asks why, tell her you don’t want to. Just be brutally honest. If she never speaks to you again, I’d call that a good result!

This is perfect!