Friend wants me to look after her DC for 4 days

[FlyingHighandDry]

A friend has asked me to look after their 19 month old DS for 4 days / 3 nights in October while they go to a work event abroad (her and her DH work together)

I really really don’t want to do this.
She caught me on the hop asking me and I just stumbled over my words and ended up agreeing.
I will have to take time off from my job eating into my precious annual leave as even though the DC will be in nursery, they are only in 10-4 and my day including commute is 8-6.

They’ve made out like they’re doing me a favour by telling me I won’t need to have their elder DC as well as they have sorted that childcare!

Friend has a way of bulldozing people into doing things for them.
Please help me formulate something to say to back out of this.
I am a people pleaser and know I need to grow a pair….

Really well done standing up for yourself.
Stand firm.

They knew exactly what they were doing when they ambushed you with the 'request' and all the reasons you could do it for them.

They can hire someone or find a family member with the time and desire

This is far too big an ask OP. Having to take some of your annual leave to do this? Absolutely not. Don't be embarrassed. Your friend should be embarrassed. I bet she deliberately caught u on the hop- disgraceful

Just read ur update good for u OP

Well done for fighting back against this. Your msg was spot on. Don't let her try and guilt you or manipulate you into doing this.

If she attempts to put pressure on, be honest about the leave and say it is simply not possible.

I’m a horrendous people please but if it messes with my annual leave then it’s an immediate no - unless the friend was willing to cover my wage for the time off.

Good on you for messaging her, OP. Well done.

I’m glad you’ve stood up to her but remember you don’t have to give a reason. No, I’m sorry but that won’t be possible is a perfectly adequate answer. If she asks why not then just say for personal reasons that I don’t want to discuss. It’s far harder to wear someone down if they don’t give you a reason for saying no!

Don't make up excuses. Tell her it doesn't work for you. Learn to say no.

Well done for standing your ground. Be prepared for them to try and negotiate “oh can you maybe do 2 nights? Etc.” Be ready to say no every time.

Has this friend ever helped you out with anything significant which might make her think this is reasonable?? It’s a really CF request if not.

They’ve made out like they’re doing me a favour

How do these people sleep at night!?

Reformed people please here 🙋🏻‍♀️ and over time it gets so much easier saying no. 45 next week and I’m not pleasing anyone.
You’ll find that your real friends will be happy that you have boundaries and the CFs will FO! This is a good thing.

Well done OP. Stand firm if she tries to suggest "solutions". You can't take leave. If she suggests extra childcare hours - it's still too much for you on top of work.

Glad you nipped this in the bud! So cheeky

Totally. I agree with above comment. As you get older as in myself you learn that you don't always have to do something you really don't want to do!

Well done OP.

Stand firm and don't back down.

Being polite has got the OP in this position in the first place, and I’m not sure if what her friend did was polite either. I personally would not expect that kind of extreme favour from someone who I believed valued me as a friend.
The ‘ex copper friend’ was me explaining more than I needed to because it came to mind, nothing else.

This is a great message, it is factual and firm. She may try to bulldoze you again, so just send this on repeat to any message she sends, or just say it if she speaks to you.
If she is a bulldozer, any chink in your armour (such as saying: 'I don't have enough annual leave', ) may be met with 'surely you can take a sickie' or 'you said yes so it's up to you to sort out the details'.
So keep your guard up and just say 'no can't do it', I would leave out the 'sorry' from now on.
Don't give an inch!!

I agree with the suggestion of saying that you’ve found you can't take the time off work after all. But do ring your friend to tell her to her face - it would be incredibly rude to text her.

Ghost and move house? Are you each in a cult or something?

Absolutely not

only one of them can attend the event

Cheeky fuckers

CF of the highest order. I'm glad you've messaged her. Do not feel bad for a second even if she tries to make you.

I bet they are going away “for a work event.” 🙄 There might be a work event, but I sincerely doubt they both need to be there. If the work they do involves international travel for both of them, they need to come up with a more realistic childcare plan. Travelling nanny, family member, tag teaming, whatever. Dh and I have attended multi day work events together. We brought our dc with us and handed off to the other as necessary. Or we arranged it such only one of us needed to go (drafted in help at the event from other staff or even BIL has gone and helped out) and the other stayed home with dc.

Tell her no..ASAP..so she has time to make other arrangements. Unless she plans to pay you..for childcare AND time off work etc..

Just caught up with the update. Well done on texting back. She may now try and make this your problem to solve, eg by asking you to rearrange your work stuff, or rearranging her dates, but stand firm.

Urgh no. Other than a dire emergency, I’m not looking after anyone’s toddlers for more than an hour or 2 (looking at you DB and my toddler nephew) My kids are older now and I’ve endured the toddler stage with no one taking my kids for 4 days at that age!

Doubly so if it would mean using up annual leave! I can’t even contemplate asking a friend that. 19months is such hard work.