Friend wants me to look after her DC for 4 days

[FlyingHighandDry]

A friend has asked me to look after their 19 month old DS for 4 days / 3 nights in October while they go to a work event abroad (her and her DH work together)

I really really don’t want to do this.
She caught me on the hop asking me and I just stumbled over my words and ended up agreeing.
I will have to take time off from my job eating into my precious annual leave as even though the DC will be in nursery, they are only in 10-4 and my day including commute is 8-6.

They’ve made out like they’re doing me a favour by telling me I won’t need to have their elder DC as well as they have sorted that childcare!

Friend has a way of bulldozing people into doing things for them.
Please help me formulate something to say to back out of this.
I am a people pleaser and know I need to grow a pair….

I wouldn’t mention annual leave being the issue, as she could (and probably would if you used this as your reason) extend the child’s nursery hours for those days, so that it wouldn’t impact your working day.

Just say that on reflection, you are not comfortable with it, due to the very young age of the child and how much extra work this would be for you, on top of your already busy schedule. Which is the truth! It would be exhausting!!

Rinse and repeat as often as necessary…you don’t have to feel any guilt about this!

Wow, what a cheek. I agree with others - it doesn't matter how you say no, but the important thing is to say no straight away before flights and accommodation are booked.

I understand the reason everyone is suggesting not having annual leave as a reason I think the problem with this is she could find a workaround by getting someone else to drop / pick up from nursery.

I think the best response is something like this "Sarah I know I agreed to look after Seb when we spoke earlier but the truth is you caught me off guard and I agreed without thinking. I'm sorry but I'm not going to be able to help. Hopefully you'll be able to find someone else so you can both go"

There is no reasonable come back to that. When she tries to persuade you to change your mind you just need to respond with variations of "sorry I'm afraid I can't" or "that's a shame one of you will need to stay at home if you can't find someone" repeatedly until she stops asking.

She’s happily bulldozed you OP, she doesn’t care if it’s too much of an ask. She’s pleased her usual tactics have worked. You don’t need to worry about this, just fire a text to her with some of the suggestions here and decide not to feel guilty.

Sorry, you caught me on the hop i am unable to get the time off work that week, and can't manage caring for your DC around that. Apologies again, hopefully you have time to sort something else.

My default answer to each and every request from anyone about anything, ranging from my own children to friends to clients, is I will have to check and get back to you.
As someone who also struggles to quickly think through the consequences of saying yes to something, I have this default answer to everything then I can think it through and come back with yes or no with reasons.
You have already said yes, and now she will be relying on you and so you need now to tell her today that you can not do this, due to annual leave and work. That is perfectly valid and if she has an issue with it then she isnt really a friend.

Ring her and say ‘Hiya, you caught me on the hop earlier, I’ve spoken to DH and we are just not going to be able to have Sebastian for those dates. It’s just too much with our own kids and work. I’m really sorry, but at 19months it’s just a massive ask.

This is a really good rule to stick to actually.

Text and say it's not possible, due to work commitments

If she pushes, and she will, for she's clearly a cheeky fucker, just say, no sorry I can't.

Repeat ad infinitum

Do like Nancy Reagan and Just Say No.

It’s fair enough for her to ask (I mean technically it’s actually a fairly outrageous request - I don’t know I’d even ask my sister to do this!) but you can say no and you don’t need a reason.

Look, this ‘friendship’ is dead in the water whichever way you swing it, so just text her RIGHT NOW and tell her that, on reflection, you will NOT be able to do this.

Next step: read up about people pleasing and boundaries…

That is completely ridiculous for her to have asked you that in the first place! Shocking! My eldest (of 3) is 14 and I have never asked anyone to look after them for that length of time!

But then that maybe okay? I wouldn't take 4 days leave to look after someone's child, but I might do it if I didnt

Message:

’Hi
you caught me on the hop when you asked me to look after your youngest. Having had time to think that won’t work for me so you’ll need to make other arrangements.’

This. But do it now so she has plenty of notice. Blooming cheek asking really

This^

I always say
"Send me the dates and I will get back to you"

It does two things.
Puts the ball back in their court, as they have to do the leg work of sending you the dates.
And it gives me/you time to think about it.

Hint: She's not your friend. She's a user.

Why would you not say no?

Text her now and say no and don't ask again

It's a wild request and you would rather deprive your own family of vacation time than say no to a cheeky fucker? There's people pleasing and there's doormat.

I voted you're being unreasonable because you are by saying yes to such an audacious ask.

What if something happens to the kid while she's away.

I voted YABU for even entertaining her in the first place!

‘Sorry but I don’t want to. I agreed initially but was surprised at the request’.

One of the parents will have to stay behind!

Just say you can no longer do it, sounds like they farm their kids out to whoever, they need to pay for childcare.

Here’s a draft message:

Hi X, hope you’ve had a good day and enjoyed the sunshine!
I’m afraid you caught me on the hop earlier - I shouldn’t have agreed to look after Y without checking my diary first and now that I’m home I can see it won’t be possible.
Am sure you’ll get it sorted and hope you guys have a good trip. Xx

This follows the key rules I’ve learnt on here about dealing with pushy people - don’t say sorry, don’t drop hints that you don’t want to do it (expecting them to react normally to those) don’t offer any explanation about why you won’t (that they can argue with). Just straightforward “no, it’s not possible” and then keep repeating variations of that.

The message above is also a “mud cake” which usually works well to give bad news - so something nice, something bad/unwelcome, something nice.

Act quickly before flights are arranged. Cheeky bugger. Dad will just have to stay behind this time to parent whilst mum goes to advance her career 😊

as pp's have said, bite the bullet and do it as soon as possible. Otherwise she'll have more to guilt trip you with. Then book yourself onto some assertiveness training!

🤣😆
Right....