To have got rid of stepsons room?

[Berfudia]

Prepared to get flamed here but anyway..
My DP (not married, we've been together 9 years) dated a woman and she had an 18mo DS, they were together until he was 5/6 and split up. DP was the only dad he knew really, his bio dad was in prison. When they split he carried on seeing him and treated him as his own.

His mum moved away 3.5 hours when he was around 11 so it made it difficult but he still made an effort, he just struggled EOW with the long drive and his ex would never meet halfway. I then found out I was pregnant and we have 4yo twin boys. The bedrooms were. 1. Myself and DP. Smaller room. DSS and the other bigger room our DS’s sharing.

When the twins were born his mum starting filling his head with lies that DP didn't love him or want him now he had his “real” boys, made it out like he was an inconvenience. Stepson would push them over when learning to walk so after this I said he wasn't welcome here, a 14 yo boy pushing a 10mo baby wasn't right. Whenever he came he stayed in a hotel with DP and they did their own thing. After a while, he said he didn't want to see DP, told him to fuck off and blocked him. His mum seemed pleased with this. She was dating a new man and would constantly say that stepson didn't need DP anymore. This was the reason she moved so far away.

Fast forward to now, we haven't seen him in about 2.5 years, our boys are both autistic and can't cope with sharing so we replaced stepsons room. We put his (few) belongings that he had here somewhere safe, like football trophies and a hoodie and posters.

He's 17 in a week, his mum messaged DH as she's done with him. He's totally off the rails, smokes weed and does other hard drugs. Invites both girls and boys over and left a condom wrapper lying around (he says this wasnt him), failed his GCSEs and dropped out of college last year in October, just a month after starting and has just been lazing around since. Stealing and selling the things he stole. He took her partners watch and sold it etc. The final straw was him he smashed up her partners car

DP was near that way for work so popped in to speak to him but his mum made it clear she didn't want him there, had his stuff In black bags etc and stepson didn't really fight it he just seemed quiet. They got back at about 10pm on Monday night, DP told him to sleep on the sofa so he didn't disturb me or our DCs as we were already asleep. Fast forward to yesterday, he told us his mum favoured her partners daughters and her child they had together. his stepdad would above him and he does have bruises on his wrists where someone would've grabbed him. Then he found out we’d not kept his room and flipped. He was shouting and swearing and was being unpleasant. We tried to show him we’d kept his things, DP went into the loft and got them. He got the football trophies and threw them away because according to him they don't matter anymore

He stormed out last night, came back around 1am drunk and shouting at DP when he asked him to be quiet. He stole DP’s card and used contactless to pay. I'm not sure how he got around the ID part.
Today he's been asleep on the sofa and I've taken my DC out so he can sleep off the hangover. DP has been with him and apparently he's just being laying there not speaking to him.

Were we unreasonable? Also in case people ask: we rent, and don't have a seperate dining room.

@mumofoneAloneandwell - "... Yes, the boy severed contact because he thought he wasnt wanted, after he was banned from the home due to his behaviour... "

No. He wasn't banned. The OP told her DP that the then 14 year old was no longer welcome after pushing over the OP's and DP's 10 month old autistic twins. And that seems perfectly reasonable to me

He then continued visiting but stayed in a hotel together with the OP's DP before deciding that he wanted to do that any more and went back to his mum.

This almost-adult is no responsibility of the OP or her DP, and his problems shouldn't be putting the twins at risk.

Jesus Christ.

OP I have some referrals for older children who end up care/ under social services in London. If you are in the city PM me I’ll send them over and what ever support networks I can connect to.

I wonder if some of the crueller posters on here only have young kids and think 16 is like an adult. My children are in their mid 20s. 16 feels so young and vulnerable, looking back. I do not think this boy should be in the house with the other kids. But he deserves some love and support from
somwhere. Rejection will only make things a million times worse for everyone.

Yes he is.

he has been his parent and seen him from 1 - 14 when the relationship broke down.

blood is not the only way to be a someone’s parents.
DP seems himself as his parent. SS sees him as his parent.

Poor kid

@beAsensible1 he isn’t. Some people just want to convince themselves of this because it suits them.

OP has said he considers himself his father and SS his son

It doesn’t mean he is and he’s not. His responsibility lies with his 2 autistic children.

That poor boy I’m not surprised he’s so messed up. You got rid of him at the first sign of trouble and his mum told him his dad didn’t want him and what did your ‘DP’ do to try and convince him otherwise? Fuck all by the sounds of it!
Your sons are NOT more important than this child. Would you like your sons to turn out like this? Poor kid needs LOVE and is crying out for it. He needs his Dad desperately. Stop preventing that. And yes, I’m aware he’s not biologically related but he’s been his Dad for 16 years! MN is always full of complaints about grandparents not treating non-bio kids the same as grandkids and saying “What difference does biology make?” but yet in a situation like this and you’re all saying it’s ok, he’s not biologically related to the kid so wash your hands of him!! Hypocrites

You are exceptionally good people. He is lucky to have you. I hope for his sake and yours that the unconditional love and stability you are offering heals him and gives him a future that he wouldn’t otherwise have. If he is a drug addict, it’s a tough road and he will have to want to take it.

You do know OP’s DH is not his dad ?

OPs partner isn’t his dad, but actually OP is being very supportive, whilst prioritising her own children, like any good parent would. So maybe stop and read the thread.

I think the OP has shown a lot of sympathy. This is all just so difficult to sort out though.

I HAVE read the thread thank you very much. He’s been his Dad since he was 1. Maybe read the thread properly?!?!

Since when did biology matter?!?!

You do know that he’s been his dad for 16 years don’t you?!

Since forever. But the main issue is that you are making out the OP is awful when actually she sounds like she is trying to do good for everyone, including this lad.

It apparently doesn’t matter when people post threads complaining that their partner’s parents refuse to spend equal £££’s on their DC as the ones they share with their new partner and everyone agrees “biology means nothing, they’re their grandkids”. Funny that!

OP is trying to do good for everyone - by banishing the child from the house completely after he did one (admittedly appalling but very fixable) thing?! Rightttt. Had that boy been OP’s own son she would not have banished him from the house I can pretty much guarantee that….

I wouldn’t say that. Biology matters and so called step parents aren’t parents.

OP is prioritising her own children, as she should.

LOL, everyone does not agree on those threads. Far from it.

And sure, because there’s a big difference between ‘her son’ and ‘not her son’. Funny that.

Poor, poor boy. I agree with everyone else saying try and find a way to make it work. You kick him out not, he's lost forever. He needs a loving family, who believe he's worthy.

I'm not saying it'll be easier, but it's the right thing to do.

You do know she's already said that in this post don't you? Honestly, why people don't actually read through properly and then try to point out the obvious baffles me on here.
And it doesn't matter at all that he's not his biological dad, OP's partner sees him as his son, that's the most important thing, and it's no business of yours dictating about the lack of DNA.

Oh, btw, you do know that he's not her DH don't you?

I've only read 7 pages in.

You seem far more engaged in arguing with other posters than with the OP's other posts. If you've read them you'll have seen that she's actually very caring about the boy and willing to be supportive in some way.

Why the fuck are you talking to @Berfudia like that? I can only imagine you haven't actually read all her posts.

Tbh, she'll just ignore you like she's ignored all the ridiculous squabbling that's been going on between some other posters.

This. I’m so sick of this obsession on mumsnet with DNA. DNA does not make a family- actual social relationships that exist in the real world, and the choices that we make to build / invest in them- that’s what makes a family.

I don't believe not wanting him around our babies contributed to this.

well that’s hopelessly naive.