To have got rid of stepsons room?

[Berfudia]

Prepared to get flamed here but anyway..
My DP (not married, we've been together 9 years) dated a woman and she had an 18mo DS, they were together until he was 5/6 and split up. DP was the only dad he knew really, his bio dad was in prison. When they split he carried on seeing him and treated him as his own.

His mum moved away 3.5 hours when he was around 11 so it made it difficult but he still made an effort, he just struggled EOW with the long drive and his ex would never meet halfway. I then found out I was pregnant and we have 4yo twin boys. The bedrooms were. 1. Myself and DP. Smaller room. DSS and the other bigger room our DS’s sharing.

When the twins were born his mum starting filling his head with lies that DP didn't love him or want him now he had his “real” boys, made it out like he was an inconvenience. Stepson would push them over when learning to walk so after this I said he wasn't welcome here, a 14 yo boy pushing a 10mo baby wasn't right. Whenever he came he stayed in a hotel with DP and they did their own thing. After a while, he said he didn't want to see DP, told him to fuck off and blocked him. His mum seemed pleased with this. She was dating a new man and would constantly say that stepson didn't need DP anymore. This was the reason she moved so far away.

Fast forward to now, we haven't seen him in about 2.5 years, our boys are both autistic and can't cope with sharing so we replaced stepsons room. We put his (few) belongings that he had here somewhere safe, like football trophies and a hoodie and posters.

He's 17 in a week, his mum messaged DH as she's done with him. He's totally off the rails, smokes weed and does other hard drugs. Invites both girls and boys over and left a condom wrapper lying around (he says this wasnt him), failed his GCSEs and dropped out of college last year in October, just a month after starting and has just been lazing around since. Stealing and selling the things he stole. He took her partners watch and sold it etc. The final straw was him he smashed up her partners car

DP was near that way for work so popped in to speak to him but his mum made it clear she didn't want him there, had his stuff In black bags etc and stepson didn't really fight it he just seemed quiet. They got back at about 10pm on Monday night, DP told him to sleep on the sofa so he didn't disturb me or our DCs as we were already asleep. Fast forward to yesterday, he told us his mum favoured her partners daughters and her child they had together. his stepdad would above him and he does have bruises on his wrists where someone would've grabbed him. Then he found out we’d not kept his room and flipped. He was shouting and swearing and was being unpleasant. We tried to show him we’d kept his things, DP went into the loft and got them. He got the football trophies and threw them away because according to him they don't matter anymore

He stormed out last night, came back around 1am drunk and shouting at DP when he asked him to be quiet. He stole DP’s card and used contactless to pay. I'm not sure how he got around the ID part.
Today he's been asleep on the sofa and I've taken my DC out so he can sleep off the hangover. DP has been with him and apparently he's just being laying there not speaking to him.

Were we unreasonable? Also in case people ask: we rent, and don't have a seperate dining room.

No, he's never been known to social services and this is my worry, or they'd try and house him somewhere unsuitable and he’d get worse with the drugs etc. Since being here he hasn't taken anything apart from the drink yesterday but if he is housed with other young men that possibly do drugs, he could end up being worse off. And if we told them we didn't want him here that could potentially impact him massively and I know posters say he's not our responsibility but in reality he has no one and he's only 16 and very young in the year so he could potentially have only just finished year 11 if he was kept back a year.

https://www.barnardos.org.uk/ might be able to offer some support and if they can’t they could possibly advise on who could.

For about 4 years (while he was in a relationship with the boy's mother) well over a decade ago. Then they had a long-distance relationship and then for 2.5 years they had no relationship at all - there is nothing in OP's posts to suggest this would have changed if the boy's mother hadn't thrown him out. I'm not convinced this relationship is as close as you think it is.

In any case, one thing is absolutely certain - OP has no responsibility for this boy at all, zilch, nada. And she is completely within her right to say he cannot live with her and her young DCs.

Speak to social services. Maybe they could find him a foster home.

Sounds tough op!

What, you mean like the actual mother.

@Berfudia where's feckless mum's parents? Or the dad's parents. Zero grandparents exist?? Aunts? Uncles?

I am not sure about this, when I was 16 nearly 17 I was taken on by social services and even placed on a child protection plan. However, I had left my parents house and moved out.

Yes, the boy severed contact because he thought he wasnt wanted, after he was banned from the home due to his behaviour

I wouldnt have banned him, I would have tried hard to find another solution, but maybe the op felt that that was the only way, I dunno

Its disappointing that there was no contact for so long. But he raised this boy as his own and is the only father he has ever known

Poor kid - hope he gets the love and support he deserves, from the man who helped raise him

Interesting how split down the middle the responses in this thread are.

I side with the posters who would help the 17 year old child, rather than washing hands of him. Much much easier said than done I admit.

however, you can’t have him in your house long term as he is a safeguarding issue to your twins.

because of this I would be contacting SS asap and seeing if there are any housing options they can provide, even temporary ones. Im not sure how much control you would have where in the country he was offered housing but I would try to get it as close as possible so your partner can continue supporting him in other ways. Im presuming that once the child turns 18, he will not be deemed a child in SS eyes and so will have to fend for himself (Or is it 21??)? If so this throws up a lot of problems because he does not sound ready to be a responsible adult due to his shitty upbringing, so things will fall to you. Hopefully he has only just turned 18 to give you and SS some time to put things in place and make a plan.

i wouldn’t write him off as completely fucked as 17 is still young, there’s still a lot of brain development to happen. I knew a lot of off-the-rail 17 year olds who became functioning adults. Likely a lot of his train wreck behaviour is stemming from feeling completely abandoned and anxious, having rock bottom self esteem, and anger. Hopefully this will improve with stability and clear expectations. Although it may take years; I very much doubt there’s going to be a hallmark movie about turn within a couple of months of you guys stepping up, sadly.

best of luck, such a shit situation for all involved except the bio mother who is to blame for the entire problem.

It’s not often I read something that makes me want to cry but this boy’s story is absolutely horrendous. Some kids don’t stand a chance. Poor lad.

does he have grandparents?

I think you’re insane to allow this boy into your house. What level of abuse and violence does he need to demonstrate before enough is enough?

Try prioritising your small kids and not exposing them to this shit.

It’s besides the point what has or hasn’t happened to this boy; the bottom line is that he’s not safe to be around your young kids. This is his mother’s issue to deal with, not yours. If your husband doesn’t agree, then his priorities are seriously skewed.

You sound really caring OP and this is a difficult position for you all to be in. Can you DP talk to him explain he did always want to see him and wants to support him, but that brand tasting the family home at everyone is expected to. I agree with you in terms of homeless placements for young people of that age, they're not nice places. Can he get enrolled into a college to retake GCSEs or equivalent? If he's staying he needs focus and purpose

social services may well put him with foster carers which would be a positive outcome and mediate with his mother

How awful this all is for you and the poor nobody’s child ‘stepson’ too. He thought he was coming home but home wasn’t there ( but I don’t blame you for using the room).

Could foster parents be found for him near by and your DH see him a lot and mentor him?

He thought he was coming home to a house he hadn’t been in since he was 14? No.

His own parents have abandoned him, and they actually are the ones responsible for him. Not sure why you think OP’s DH (who isn’t his biological or legal father, or even his stepfather) can’t walk away from a responsibility that not only isn’t his, but wasn’t even his in the first place.

OP and her DH are responsible for their children, and the last thing they should be getting involved in is his ex’s shitshow.

You are right. Not all families share blood. But that isn't the definition of a family.

You can incude people in a family via certain legal or cultural cermonies eg marriage or adoption. This problem child is not part of the OP's and her DP's family. The OP's DP has never adopted this child. This 17 year old has no meanigful connection to the OP and her children at all. That's what matters

But you seem to think that "blood ties" are less significant or important than other relationships.

Let me ask you, in a life-saving situation if the OP's DP was in a position to donate bone marrow or a kidney either to the 17 year old child or to one of his own biological children to save their lives, but not both, what should he do?

And if you had the opportunity to donate a kidney to save the life of either a child or an acquaintance, who would you want to choose as the donee?

The acquaintance?

Probably his only home emotionally speaking.Yes.

He shouldn’t be in your home because he isn’t more of a priority than your twins.

But without parental responsibility your DH will find it hard to get official support. He needs to go back to his mother with a call to SS.

Have you got a swinging brick for a heart?

He doesn't see any of his dads family and I don't think he's met any of them. His mums family is quite small and I don't think he's close to them/they wouldn't take him in.

To the posters saying he isn't stepson because DP isn't his dad, he doesn't see it like that, and neither does DP. Stepson calls him dad etc, before he moved he was involved with his schooling, took him to his football club (and paid) and took him places etc etc exactly as a dad would do

i am sure social services would make allowances op.

A dad isn’t just by a blood relation, I’m shocked by some of these comments. My husband is my daughter’s dad. Not biologically but since she was 8 and shes now 27.

I can appreciate this is a really difficult time for you and your children. I would feel very proud of your husband for the way he is stepping up for his son in a way that other people in his life are not.

If I was you, I would give it some time. Don’t make any decisions about bedrooms and living situations for the moment. Give him a week or two to explain what is going on as there will be a reason why he’s acting the way he is. He needs support and nurturing.

A 14 year old pushing little babies out of jealousy isn’t normal - at 14 you can tell damn well how fragile they are, it was already an indication of behaviour to come.

His reaction to the bedroom was normal due to being a kid, really, but you also weren’t wrong in wanting to use it. 2.5 years is a long time to wait for someone who may or may not come back into the house.

Considering the drinking and drugs, I’d either a) try to find accommodation and help from a distance or b) have a serious chat, set some strong boundaries and should he agree, see what happens.

I feel for him as he obviously has had a very troubled life and is finding unhealthy ways of coping, but you do have small children to consider too.