To have got rid of stepsons room?

[Berfudia]

Prepared to get flamed here but anyway..
My DP (not married, we've been together 9 years) dated a woman and she had an 18mo DS, they were together until he was 5/6 and split up. DP was the only dad he knew really, his bio dad was in prison. When they split he carried on seeing him and treated him as his own.

His mum moved away 3.5 hours when he was around 11 so it made it difficult but he still made an effort, he just struggled EOW with the long drive and his ex would never meet halfway. I then found out I was pregnant and we have 4yo twin boys. The bedrooms were. 1. Myself and DP. Smaller room. DSS and the other bigger room our DS’s sharing.

When the twins were born his mum starting filling his head with lies that DP didn't love him or want him now he had his “real” boys, made it out like he was an inconvenience. Stepson would push them over when learning to walk so after this I said he wasn't welcome here, a 14 yo boy pushing a 10mo baby wasn't right. Whenever he came he stayed in a hotel with DP and they did their own thing. After a while, he said he didn't want to see DP, told him to fuck off and blocked him. His mum seemed pleased with this. She was dating a new man and would constantly say that stepson didn't need DP anymore. This was the reason she moved so far away.

Fast forward to now, we haven't seen him in about 2.5 years, our boys are both autistic and can't cope with sharing so we replaced stepsons room. We put his (few) belongings that he had here somewhere safe, like football trophies and a hoodie and posters.

He's 17 in a week, his mum messaged DH as she's done with him. He's totally off the rails, smokes weed and does other hard drugs. Invites both girls and boys over and left a condom wrapper lying around (he says this wasnt him), failed his GCSEs and dropped out of college last year in October, just a month after starting and has just been lazing around since. Stealing and selling the things he stole. He took her partners watch and sold it etc. The final straw was him he smashed up her partners car

DP was near that way for work so popped in to speak to him but his mum made it clear she didn't want him there, had his stuff In black bags etc and stepson didn't really fight it he just seemed quiet. They got back at about 10pm on Monday night, DP told him to sleep on the sofa so he didn't disturb me or our DCs as we were already asleep. Fast forward to yesterday, he told us his mum favoured her partners daughters and her child they had together. his stepdad would above him and he does have bruises on his wrists where someone would've grabbed him. Then he found out we’d not kept his room and flipped. He was shouting and swearing and was being unpleasant. We tried to show him we’d kept his things, DP went into the loft and got them. He got the football trophies and threw them away because according to him they don't matter anymore

He stormed out last night, came back around 1am drunk and shouting at DP when he asked him to be quiet. He stole DP’s card and used contactless to pay. I'm not sure how he got around the ID part.
Today he's been asleep on the sofa and I've taken my DC out so he can sleep off the hangover. DP has been with him and apparently he's just being laying there not speaking to him.

Were we unreasonable? Also in case people ask: we rent, and don't have a seperate dining room.

It sounds like you genuinely care for this teenager. Is there a chance for you and DH to sit with him and sort out a plan? Is there and was to split any of the bedrooms with a room divider for the twins? Is your room the biggest? Could you Split that room for the twins, you and DH in the next largest room and the teen back in the small room. If he's calm, he's old enough to understand that using the room when he wasn't visiting, isn't a reflection of how you feel about him.

Can he put the past in the past?

This would have to go hand in hand with a solid plan for the future, either study of some kind and a part time job or full time work/apprenticeship.

This is a great practical suggestion. If the biggest room is big enough then there are lots of ideas on YouTube of how to split a room in two easily and without building work; I’ve seen people use ceiling height kallax units from ikea, for example

OK, I may be holier than thou but I take umbrage to calling a troubled young man "thing"
Ps
The money we make from permanently fostering is a pittance, we spend over and above on our dfc and are both still working. You may have had a bad experience in the system and I'm truly sorry for that but our wee one is gonna have the best life and a decent savings account when older

Yeah, its glaringly obvious!!

I have never used the term thing to refer to anyone. I look forward to your fake apology.

Oh gosh you spend your own money on your DFC should I clap my hands in delight. How do you guarantee your wee one is going to have the best life without trauma? There is no guarantee!!!

I grew up in a gilded cage. I was actually removed from poverty and placed in an upper middle class socioeconomic environment thank you for your presumption that money makes a difference. It allows you to have material things is all. Will you be seeking shared lives care once they turn 18 similar to others wanting the halo shining to continue not mentioning the financial aspects to shared lives. Your comments regarding spending above any beyond for your DFC are not the positive statement you think they are.

Poor kid is hurting.

There will be no faux apology from me!! You need to hone your reading skills. I replied to gymum82, calling the boy "this thing" you obviously haven't read it all 🙄
YOU implied fc are in it for financial gain, some may be, some not (like us)
No one can guarantee that any child will not suffer damage as a result of childhood truama but I will do my damndest to try and mitigate that with love, cuddles, attention and experiences. My dfc is an established member of our family and will be part of our family until death.
Sorry you had a shitty time in the system 💐

Foster parents are paid approx £2000 per month per child where I live. I expect that varies by region but certainly not a ‘pittance’.

Well here it is £700 for child, £550 fee for "caring" per month. Maybe pittance is the wrong word but it's not enough to live on and have nice things/holidays/decent clothes, shoes and all the clubs/equipment and travelling plus money in a savings account. pm

That's heartbreaking. I can tell by your posts that you're going to do your best for this boy, OP. If he calls your partner Dad that's it, really. He needs you.

I can’t believe people are saying to send him back to his Mom. I’d contact the local council and see if they have any adolescent support services and make him feel safe and wanted. Give him a chance for gods sake.

What a mess! He needs some help and guidance but its hard for you with ASD twins - my children are ASD and it would be a nightmare and we have more space, it would atill
be a
mare!
his mum really needs to buck up her ideas and sort him out and make sure nee new husband isn’t abusing him, but he’s on a road to junkie / no career at best they way he’s currently heading.

I think you might be projecting, OP's partner is not this boy' father. OP's partner does not have kids so your last paragraph is irrelevant and inapplicable.

I said repeatedly that I wish the op well, and have liked her posts updating us

Never once bashed the op

And I responded to people taking aim at me for defending this boy, nothing else

So this is someone that your DP treated as his son, but is only HIS stepson, and so no direct relation to you apart from you being DP’s DP? He is not a blood relation to DP?

This is a situation of his DM’s making, and she needs to solve is with the 17 yo’s ACTUAL DF.

You and DP have 2 DS, with additional needs, and no room to house someone who is not your direct responsibility. And someone who is dangerously off the rails by your accounts, which is not a good situation for your 2 toddlers to be in. Let alone DP and you.

I know DP may feel a responsibility for this young man, but he doesn’t actually have a responsibility here. And hard as it is, he really ought to make that clear to the DM.

“OK, I may be holier than thou but I take umbrage to calling a troubled young man "thing"
Ps
The money we make from permanently fostering is a pittance, we spend over and above on our dfc and are both still working.

I have bolded the first section of your direct reply to my post. I do not believe it is I that needs to hone my reading skills. The text that was posted under your username clearly implies that I have referred to an individual as a “thing” this is not true in any shape or form.

Would you (or anyone else who bangs on that he's not the OP's partner's responsibility because he's not blood related) wash your hands of a friend if they needed you at some point?

After all, they're not your 'responsibility' either are they? as they're not related to you. So why would you bother to try and help them.

And as far as I can tell, the OP and her DP are not married.

This is quite a turn from "when a step-parent gets divorced, they have no say or control of step-child". I guess that rule only applies when it's convenient for the commenter, or the child doesn't jump the rails.

If it takes a "village", as a few have commented, why are they not stepping up to help this child? I bet 24 hours with one of them and the young man would be totally sorted, at least it seems that way.

The young man needs help, but it sounds like OP and her DP do not have extra funds or room to spare, nor should they go into debt to help. SS can help the ym, her DP can be a physical presence in his life, without having the OP's young children be in danger by having that sort of instability in the house.

The kid isn’t even analogous to a friend to OP.

If my friend had told me to fuck off years ago, was habitually using drugs and stealing, and was prone to shoving four year olds then yes, my hands would be bleached. The last thing I would be doing is playing white knight and inviting that chaos into my life.

He is not ur step son, he has no blood or legal relation to ur partner. Fine if your partner wanted to keep in touch with him but to allow him to have sleepovers at your house when he was younger is bizarre. And the fact his mum allowed it is even more weird. But she already sounds like a deranged mother. Contact ss as the boy isn’t your problem and your kids shouldn’t be witnessing this.
it’s ridiculous that he thought his bedroom will remain as it is.

I'm sure it s friend acted out of character, took drugs and told you to fuck off, you'd try and help them get back on track before cutting them out your life, and if you wouldn't then wee you even a friend?
And in this situation we're on about a child whose clearly hurting and lashing out, to turn your back on him without trying to help him is awful, add to the mix that the partner clearly cares for him else he wouldn't have stayed in his life all these years,

If OP's partner views him as his son (which he obviously does), that's all that matters.

And it's not 'bizarre' whatsoever that he allowed sleepovers, as he was in this boys life from the age of 18 months, raised him as his own child and formed a father son bond with him.
What's 'bizarre' is your whole ridiculous statement.

Read it again! Where did i say you?

This is an awful situation! That poor kid. What a rotten life he's been subjected to because he had the misfortune to have been born to two parents who were incapable of parenting him properly.

Why is everyone so quick to believe the lying bitch mother? She was v quick.to tell terrible lies about OP's partner when it suited her narrative. So why just accept everything she says about the boy is true?

Given everything he's been through & all the rejection in his young life, plus his age etc it would be very surprising if he wasn't angry & lashing out

He's practically a poster boy for the 'blended family' kid that falls through the cracks of new lives & new families being prioritised.

His mother clearly isn't the brightest spark. Op's partner is the nearest thing this boy has had to a father & clearly they had a strong bond until the adults relationship broke down. I think it's admirable that the ops partner attempted to keep the contact up, providing some element of stability for the kid.

But i guess he fell through the cracks again when the op came on the scene & they had their own kids. Then he became an inconvenience. Again.

If he'd been your partners biological son & he was jealous of the new babies & pushed the 1 year old would you have kicked him out? Or if he was your own older son? I think we all know the answer is no.

So where does that leave this kid who now has noone to turn to. Noone fighting for him. He HAS to be feeling worthless & sad & scared & ANGRY at how every adult in his life has let him down. He didnt choose any of you but you all chose to get involved in his life through the choices in relationships made by adults.

His mother chose to have a kid with a man who ended up in prison.

This boy knows his biological father is a convicted criminal

The op's partner chose to have a relationship with the kids mother in the full knowledge that she had a baby.

When they split the partner chose to keep contact with him (a good choice)

the mother chose to have another relationship with a clearly unevolved violent man & his existing children. And they chose to have yet another child.

The op chose to have a relationship with her partner in the full knowledge that he had a vulnerable child in his life & that he had stepped into the role of dad there

The op & partner chose to have 2 further children.

The 17 year old had zero choice in ANY of these huge life changing (for him) events

But where does that leave him? Nowhere. Nobody wants him. Or his trauma messing up their new lives. He's surplus to requirements & he knows it. It must hurt like hell to feel totally expendable.

He needs someone to be strong. To tell him (even if he appears to not be listening) that they're on his side & he can get his life on track. He needs therapy & a secure base where there's not the constant threat of being told leave.

Sadly there does not appear to be anyone in his life who can provide that for him. And there never really was.

He's had 3 men in his life that have all failed him. His mother has rejected him in an incredibly cruel way. He's been replaced by new kids / family set ups in all the homes he's had. He's been lied to & led to believe all sorts of awful stories. He's experienced a violent stepfather. All that & he's only 17..

I feel profoundly sorry for him. I doubt he's going to have a good chance at turning things around for himself at this stage as he simply doesn't have the tools

Why do so many people have children they can't look after. His story is just so depressing.

And the attitudes from the majority of posters is even more depressing. I think each one of you should think - if you dropped dead tomorrow & your young kid was now subjected to a similar life of new families/ kids / rejection etc - would you be happy for everyone to walk away from them?

I dont know what the answer is op as clearly you didnt want this boy as soon as you had your own kids. He was a drain on short supply resources of time, effort, focus, money etc. I think your partner is a kind hearted man who accepted the very important role he played in this boys life & i think you never accepted that.