To have got rid of stepsons room?

[Berfudia]

Prepared to get flamed here but anyway..
My DP (not married, we've been together 9 years) dated a woman and she had an 18mo DS, they were together until he was 5/6 and split up. DP was the only dad he knew really, his bio dad was in prison. When they split he carried on seeing him and treated him as his own.

His mum moved away 3.5 hours when he was around 11 so it made it difficult but he still made an effort, he just struggled EOW with the long drive and his ex would never meet halfway. I then found out I was pregnant and we have 4yo twin boys. The bedrooms were. 1. Myself and DP. Smaller room. DSS and the other bigger room our DS’s sharing.

When the twins were born his mum starting filling his head with lies that DP didn't love him or want him now he had his “real” boys, made it out like he was an inconvenience. Stepson would push them over when learning to walk so after this I said he wasn't welcome here, a 14 yo boy pushing a 10mo baby wasn't right. Whenever he came he stayed in a hotel with DP and they did their own thing. After a while, he said he didn't want to see DP, told him to fuck off and blocked him. His mum seemed pleased with this. She was dating a new man and would constantly say that stepson didn't need DP anymore. This was the reason she moved so far away.

Fast forward to now, we haven't seen him in about 2.5 years, our boys are both autistic and can't cope with sharing so we replaced stepsons room. We put his (few) belongings that he had here somewhere safe, like football trophies and a hoodie and posters.

He's 17 in a week, his mum messaged DH as she's done with him. He's totally off the rails, smokes weed and does other hard drugs. Invites both girls and boys over and left a condom wrapper lying around (he says this wasnt him), failed his GCSEs and dropped out of college last year in October, just a month after starting and has just been lazing around since. Stealing and selling the things he stole. He took her partners watch and sold it etc. The final straw was him he smashed up her partners car

DP was near that way for work so popped in to speak to him but his mum made it clear she didn't want him there, had his stuff In black bags etc and stepson didn't really fight it he just seemed quiet. They got back at about 10pm on Monday night, DP told him to sleep on the sofa so he didn't disturb me or our DCs as we were already asleep. Fast forward to yesterday, he told us his mum favoured her partners daughters and her child they had together. his stepdad would above him and he does have bruises on his wrists where someone would've grabbed him. Then he found out we’d not kept his room and flipped. He was shouting and swearing and was being unpleasant. We tried to show him we’d kept his things, DP went into the loft and got them. He got the football trophies and threw them away because according to him they don't matter anymore

He stormed out last night, came back around 1am drunk and shouting at DP when he asked him to be quiet. He stole DP’s card and used contactless to pay. I'm not sure how he got around the ID part.
Today he's been asleep on the sofa and I've taken my DC out so he can sleep off the hangover. DP has been with him and apparently he's just being laying there not speaking to him.

Were we unreasonable? Also in case people ask: we rent, and don't have a seperate dining room.

He doesn't have PR no, his dad is on his BC so I think that was the issue, I'm not 100% sure. He's never met his dad and doesn't remember him from when he was a baby (obviously).

DP didn't expect to just bring him back here, he was sort of put on the spot by his mum. He thought he'd just have a quick chat with him about his behaviour etc. But his things were in a black bag and his mum was quite cruel in front of him, saying she didn't want him there, she didn't care where he ended up, he'd get nowhere etc. She also had the cheek to ask DP to pay for repairs for her partners car as stepson obviously cant afford it. DP has said no quite rightly.

He didn't say a word in the car apparently, he was just looking out of the window. He only started talking yesterday

This almost adult male is a danger to the young children living in the home. He has no responsibility to him. I wouldn’t have him in my home and I’d kick the fake dad out as well if he insisted

Please do not engage with me anymore. I have personal feelings towards you that would have my comment deleted. Thank you.

I know social services is stretched but I really think their in put is needed here. The only person who seems to care about the boy, is, quite rightly, not in a position to have him. It's right that you can't have a big volatile teen around your babies, but you can hardly blame a 17 year old, who by the sounds of it has never known love, for not knowing how to love.

So he's allowed to be the "Dad" now mums decided it's convenient to palm off the kid now shes messed him up (which she has done telling a child the person they see as Dad don't need them anymore because they now have biological children and then stopping access does emotionally mess kids up). I'd tell her you aren't having a violent teenager around your children and you have a duty to them not your partners ex's son. Your husband is welcome to see him away from the home and the children.

Reading some of these replies, I'm reminded of the proverb 'The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth'

I’m at seems his mom convinced he’d been abandoned by his father figure when it was convenient for her and I if she’s that way inclined I’m sure she forgot about him with new children around.

he has been sadly let down and know things are at a peak she’s foobbed him off. He clearly needs a firm hand and a strong maw role model. But is not entitled to a room.

if you DP sees himself as a parental figure then he should try.

staring with a family meeting on ground rules and a 3 strikes rules. One has already gone with his behaviour currently.

either he follows the rules and gets an apprenticeship or job. Or he doesn’t and he’s out.

I don’t agree that at 17 and troubled he should be written off. But I don’t think you should be doormats either. DP has established himself as a parental figure. If you do that you do it and mean it.

100% agree

Yes he is. He has acted as such since he was 1 year old ffs.

hes nothing to do with you or your dp. Why are you getting involved?!

I can’t believe he’d bring this thing back to his 2 tiny autistic children.

What an awful thing to say about a victim of abuse.

Crikey. I’d say SS, unfortunately, he’s been thrown out and made homeless by his mum and OP’s dp does not have parental responsibility. I don’t think it’s feasible for this lad/near adult to live with them because his behaviour is out of control and her twins are too little/vulnerable.

Isn’t it a shame his mum had a baby with a serious criminal, ruined the relationship with her ex and her son by moving 3 hours away, bad mouthed her ex and finally trashed their bond by lying about him, moved an arsehole into her home, sidelined her son in favour of her step daughter and new child, let him be assaulted in his own home, failed to the extent he’s taking drugs and engaging in dangerous behaviour then chucked him out.

It’s a tragedy. Entirely of the mother’s making.

Literally nothing to do with OP or her young children. Nothing.

Apart from the years he was cut off from the boy by the mum moving away, frustrating contact, badmouthing him and being happy the relationship broke down.

If it were me in your shoes I would help him but I wouldn’t have him in my home, not to stay at least. Contact SS or a housing charity, try and get him set up with practical things and not money (money is no good if he’s on drugs). I would try and include him starting small - come round for dinner when your kids are away, or your DP takes him out, then move from there.

You and your DP technically don’t have any obligation to him - but your DP obviously cares deeply about him so I think you’ll have a bit of a fight on your hands if you want to kick him to the curb. It’s about you setting boundaries and ensuring your boys are safe, but if it was me I would want to support my DP and this child. It is totally up to you thought and I would understand if you don’t want to.

Edit- also I think the kick off about his bedroom maybe needs to be forgotten. He should say sorry, but he was probably absolutely in turmoil and possibly cranky because he’s not had weed. I know people think it’s not addictive - but withdrawal is very real. It’s obviously not about the bedroom it’s about feeling rejected, replaced and forgotten (that’s how he will feel even though it’s not the case).

This is all vwry sad for him but you have other children to think about. I do think it would be nice if DH can repair his relationship with him, he sounds like he needs a decent role model to speak to. But outside your home, or if he does come into your house, with strict rules on behaviour
This kid has been dealt an awful hand in lifez but that also has made him volatile. He could come through this and turn into a decent human with some guidance. But not at the risk of harm to your children.

Having this lad in your lives is a huge mistake. You need to think of your children.

Who gives a fuck what his mum did or didn’t do. This young boy didn’t have any choices or options and clearly she had form for being cruel to him consistently.

DP still made effort regardless of distance and issue with his brothers. Because he feels parental to this child. The boy didn’t even speak for 24 hours! He needs help and shipping him off into care at this age is signing of his life going into freefall and petty crime.

yes he is fucking up in big way but for forbid any adult in his life fight for him

Tbh I wouldn’t have had him back. I would take him back to his mums and would not allow him to stay at your house. The situation is doomed.

He’s not your problem, or your DP’s.

Again. So what. That is not the child’s fault and that is who this is about! Punishing children because of their shit parents.

someone needs to show this boy that he matters before it’s too late. DP has repeatedly chosen to act as this child father. Of course it’s unfair but parenting generally isn’t.

I think this is a very hard situation for you both OP.

I don't think this boy can live with you, at least not at the moment- he needs proper support to get his life on track, and you need to think of the needs of your younger children.

I would probably see what help Social Services can provide, perhaps there is supported living he could be housed in where your DP could easily visit and support? It sounds as if money might be tight, but if DP can help with money for therapy and days/meals out to show him he is loved I think that would go a long way.

He also should be supported to report his abusive SF.

I hope this goes well for all of you.

So you’d have OP take in a 17 year old drug user, to her home where her disabled young children live, where there isn’t a spare room for him? For how long? And they’ll pay for everything he needs?

Not a chance I would share mine and my 4-year-old twins' living space with an unrelated teenage with a history of drink and drugs, not in education, whose response to something he doesn't like is to get angry and possibly violent. Not a fucking chance, I'd end my relationship rather than agree to that.

What I would do is encourage my partner - who seems to be the only source of stability in this boy's life - to keep trying to maintain their relationship and help and advise him. Just not in your home, @Berfudia