To have got rid of stepsons room?

[Berfudia]

Prepared to get flamed here but anyway..
My DP (not married, we've been together 9 years) dated a woman and she had an 18mo DS, they were together until he was 5/6 and split up. DP was the only dad he knew really, his bio dad was in prison. When they split he carried on seeing him and treated him as his own.

His mum moved away 3.5 hours when he was around 11 so it made it difficult but he still made an effort, he just struggled EOW with the long drive and his ex would never meet halfway. I then found out I was pregnant and we have 4yo twin boys. The bedrooms were. 1. Myself and DP. Smaller room. DSS and the other bigger room our DS’s sharing.

When the twins were born his mum starting filling his head with lies that DP didn't love him or want him now he had his “real” boys, made it out like he was an inconvenience. Stepson would push them over when learning to walk so after this I said he wasn't welcome here, a 14 yo boy pushing a 10mo baby wasn't right. Whenever he came he stayed in a hotel with DP and they did their own thing. After a while, he said he didn't want to see DP, told him to fuck off and blocked him. His mum seemed pleased with this. She was dating a new man and would constantly say that stepson didn't need DP anymore. This was the reason she moved so far away.

Fast forward to now, we haven't seen him in about 2.5 years, our boys are both autistic and can't cope with sharing so we replaced stepsons room. We put his (few) belongings that he had here somewhere safe, like football trophies and a hoodie and posters.

He's 17 in a week, his mum messaged DH as she's done with him. He's totally off the rails, smokes weed and does other hard drugs. Invites both girls and boys over and left a condom wrapper lying around (he says this wasnt him), failed his GCSEs and dropped out of college last year in October, just a month after starting and has just been lazing around since. Stealing and selling the things he stole. He took her partners watch and sold it etc. The final straw was him he smashed up her partners car

DP was near that way for work so popped in to speak to him but his mum made it clear she didn't want him there, had his stuff In black bags etc and stepson didn't really fight it he just seemed quiet. They got back at about 10pm on Monday night, DP told him to sleep on the sofa so he didn't disturb me or our DCs as we were already asleep. Fast forward to yesterday, he told us his mum favoured her partners daughters and her child they had together. his stepdad would above him and he does have bruises on his wrists where someone would've grabbed him. Then he found out we’d not kept his room and flipped. He was shouting and swearing and was being unpleasant. We tried to show him we’d kept his things, DP went into the loft and got them. He got the football trophies and threw them away because according to him they don't matter anymore

He stormed out last night, came back around 1am drunk and shouting at DP when he asked him to be quiet. He stole DP’s card and used contactless to pay. I'm not sure how he got around the ID part.
Today he's been asleep on the sofa and I've taken my DC out so he can sleep off the hangover. DP has been with him and apparently he's just being laying there not speaking to him.

Were we unreasonable? Also in case people ask: we rent, and don't have a seperate dining room.

I shall try again for a final time. While you may not have intentionally meant to suggest that I used the word ‘thing’ to describe another human being. You responded directly to my commentary on the situation described by the OP. You did not tag the other user as the author of the ‘thing’. Therefore a reader could reasonably believe that I was the writer that described a human being as a ‘thing’. That is why I am offended. While I am not a perfect individual and I am guilty of making mistakes. I have very strong views on language that describes negative characteristics or challenges of individuals within SEND and CEP communities. I do always admit that academically, personally and professionally I struggle with the financial aspects of fostering and adoption. This due to experiences of being treated as though I was a commodity as a child not a human being. I recognise that there are excellent foster carers and adopters. However, the reality is that it is a commercial enterprise.Organisations and LA included advertise it as a job and career. Foster and adoptive parents can change their minds and for want of a better word return the child/young person as though they are a commodity. You maybe one the genuine individuals. I do not have a way of knowing this though. I genuinely hope the child in your care feels love and acceptance. Is able to thrive and flourish into a healthy stable adulthood with support from you, your family, friends and professionals. However, you need to recognise that those who have negative experiences of the system are cautious and cynical for good reasons. It was never a personal attack on you. While I shall defend myself, I try hard to challenge ideas and systems not individuals unless I have certainty they need to be challenged.

Bravo for your post which so eloquently and empathetic ally lays out the disaster of the boy’s life.

But I think here you are not quite fair:
I think your partner is a kind hearted man who accepted the very important role he played in this boys life & i think you never accepted that.

I think that OP does know all this in her heart of hearts, even if she might partly also have thought (or been have been hoping to hear from pp) that the boy is not her problem.

What would you advise her to do, step by step, @NonHighStreetClothes ? (Real question.) I am not quite sure.

@ScrollingLeaves truthfully I dont have an answer.

None of the grownups in this kids life fully considered him in the choices they made for themselves. He was expected to suck up all that chaos & somehow, magically, come out the other side unscathed.

If we wonder how / why there's a breakdown in society (and there IS) this thread totally illustrates how its happening.

And he's just one of many, many kids this is happening to up & down the country.

Anyway if I could wave a magic wand I'd put kind hearted, calm, loving, educated people in his life who could take him under their wing & nurture him & help him see all the potential thats undoubtedly in him. They'd give him a stable anchor in life so he could start building his own.

But its unlikely that that will actually happen.

The next best thing would be that at a basic human level the op & her partner realise that they are probably all this kid has right now.

They could sit with him & discuss what's happened in his life & reassure him they will help him to get the help & support jd needs. If he wants that. If they can work together. They could build trust with him.

Get him a gp referral so he might get some therapy to help him process everything

They could help him explore apprenticeships or getting back into college - perhaps one where there's accommodation

They could make the difference to helping him realise he has worth & value & he matters as a person

Right now he has to feel utterly worthless- he's been discarded like an unwanted piece of rubbish by his mother.

The op & her partner could help him explore if there are any extended family/ relatives he could build a relationship with (unlikey)

This op has 2 children of her own who have additional needs & they will presumably rely on the kindness of others throughout their lives to have any chance of having a life especially once op isn't around anymore. Would she be happy for them to be homeless, sleeping on the streets?

Sadly I suspect this lad's fate will not be good. And that's heartbreaking to consider.

The op & partner chose to have 2 further children

Er, no, they didn't. They chose to have children. Neither of them had children before they had children together, there's no 'further' involved here. Why does OP have any responsibility to an unrelated teenager before making that decision?

To draw any sort of equivalence between that and the behaviour of the child's actual mother is grossly unfair and, frankly, slightly silly.

Took drugs, told you to fuck off, stole, and assaulted four year olds*. You conveniently neglected to mention the latter two. Like I said, bleached. If this means I’m awful and was never a friend by your standards, then oh well.

I don’t care that he’s a child. In OP’s shoes I would not be inviting that chaos into my life to the detriment of my own family.

@mumofoneAloneandwell Terrible advice.

He has no biological connection and cut all ties with your family - he is only back because his mum cannot be arsed dealing with his behaviour. It would be a big no from me as your children do not need that sort of behaviour and influence in their lives. They are your responsibility and with their autism you have enough to deal with. He goes and if necessary your partner with him.

Ive just gone back & read the op's opening post again & she clearly states that:

1. He was 'dad' to boy from 18months to 6 years.

1. After they split up he had very regular contact & regularly had him to stay as per a standard father type role. This continued from age 6 - 11. So 5 more years where this man was a father to the boy

1. When the boy was 7 the op & her partner got together. She says the boy is now 16 (soon to be 17) & she & partner are together 9 years making him 7 years old at that stage

1. So the op got together with a man who had split from the boys mother the previous year & very clearly knew that he had a father like role in the boys life. Especially since he was still having custody of him regularly for another 4 years after that

1. It's highly possible that the op also spent time witn him before his mother moved him away - there's a 4 year span there

1. The boys mother moved far away when he was 11 making it hard for him to keep up his visits to the partner. And at this same time the op & her partner decide to have a baby which turns out to be twins.

In my view the op's partner did come as a package with this kid. But that wasn't convenient after a while.

I don't think it does any child good to have adults in & out of their lives, picking them up when it suits & walking away when it doesn't.

This kid considered him his dad . the op clearly says so. Does that really count for nothing?

My point is anyone with half a heart can see that this kid has really had the shitty end of the life stick ALL his young life. He's still only 16!

He's too young for everyone to have given up on him!

OPs partner isn’t the teens dad, his responsibility is to his two children. It’s his parents job ‘not to give up on him’.

The boy has useless parents, one's banged up and the other doesn't give a toss about him.
So what do you think should happen to the 16 year old, abandon him and let him get on with it, because 'ah well he's not the OP's problem?

I think you're forgetting one massive glaring detail, her partner SEES THE BOY AS HIS SON. Why on earth do you have such an issue with that? I'd be embarrassed to have a friend with an attitude like yours.

How are things now?