To have got rid of stepsons room?

[Berfudia]

Prepared to get flamed here but anyway..
My DP (not married, we've been together 9 years) dated a woman and she had an 18mo DS, they were together until he was 5/6 and split up. DP was the only dad he knew really, his bio dad was in prison. When they split he carried on seeing him and treated him as his own.

His mum moved away 3.5 hours when he was around 11 so it made it difficult but he still made an effort, he just struggled EOW with the long drive and his ex would never meet halfway. I then found out I was pregnant and we have 4yo twin boys. The bedrooms were. 1. Myself and DP. Smaller room. DSS and the other bigger room our DS’s sharing.

When the twins were born his mum starting filling his head with lies that DP didn't love him or want him now he had his “real” boys, made it out like he was an inconvenience. Stepson would push them over when learning to walk so after this I said he wasn't welcome here, a 14 yo boy pushing a 10mo baby wasn't right. Whenever he came he stayed in a hotel with DP and they did their own thing. After a while, he said he didn't want to see DP, told him to fuck off and blocked him. His mum seemed pleased with this. She was dating a new man and would constantly say that stepson didn't need DP anymore. This was the reason she moved so far away.

Fast forward to now, we haven't seen him in about 2.5 years, our boys are both autistic and can't cope with sharing so we replaced stepsons room. We put his (few) belongings that he had here somewhere safe, like football trophies and a hoodie and posters.

He's 17 in a week, his mum messaged DH as she's done with him. He's totally off the rails, smokes weed and does other hard drugs. Invites both girls and boys over and left a condom wrapper lying around (he says this wasnt him), failed his GCSEs and dropped out of college last year in October, just a month after starting and has just been lazing around since. Stealing and selling the things he stole. He took her partners watch and sold it etc. The final straw was him he smashed up her partners car

DP was near that way for work so popped in to speak to him but his mum made it clear she didn't want him there, had his stuff In black bags etc and stepson didn't really fight it he just seemed quiet. They got back at about 10pm on Monday night, DP told him to sleep on the sofa so he didn't disturb me or our DCs as we were already asleep. Fast forward to yesterday, he told us his mum favoured her partners daughters and her child they had together. his stepdad would above him and he does have bruises on his wrists where someone would've grabbed him. Then he found out we’d not kept his room and flipped. He was shouting and swearing and was being unpleasant. We tried to show him we’d kept his things, DP went into the loft and got them. He got the football trophies and threw them away because according to him they don't matter anymore

He stormed out last night, came back around 1am drunk and shouting at DP when he asked him to be quiet. He stole DP’s card and used contactless to pay. I'm not sure how he got around the ID part.
Today he's been asleep on the sofa and I've taken my DC out so he can sleep off the hangover. DP has been with him and apparently he's just being laying there not speaking to him.

Were we unreasonable? Also in case people ask: we rent, and don't have a seperate dining room.

I know a young man in that position. In a hostel, previous drink and drugs problem.

Within weeks he successfully managed to order class A drugs through the post from a dodgy website, he's under huge pressure to fit in with other young men who are more criminally sophisticated. I suspect he was either going to attempt to sell it or did it for someone else who cannot buy stuff online for whatever reason.

Similar situation. Totally abandoned by his father who moved on and created another family (that he's still with) didn't make contact with him again until teen years and difficult relationship with the mother.

Abandonment is one of the most difficult psychologically and emotionally damaging things to cope with. It causes long term mental health problems in many. Having no home as a teen, whilst other nurtured teens in your cohort are being lovingly supported and guided by their parents to get a future, go to uni or do something worthwhile, while hardly anyone seems to give F about you...it's awful and inevitably these troubled and often socially maladjusted, self-medicating (substance abusing) young people become a huge burden to society in one way or another.

I'm extremely pro rights, pro people, pro democracy.

But when I see situations like this (and I have seen many) and the sad outcomes, I start thinking that the right to have children needs to be governed and restricted with a serious vetting process at population level somehow.

I'm sure you mean well, but if they are renting (which I assume is because they cannot afford a mortgage.) How on earth do you think they can afford to just rent another property for him?

It's clear the teen has problems. That doesn't mean he gets to come into your home, start kicking off and acting like he's owed the world.
If him staying with you is an option, dp needs
to set non- negotiable rules around his conduct and behaviour. If he isn't prepared to follow the rules, he leaves. If he breaks them, he leaves. It can't be any other way, especially with young children in the house.
Your dp sounds like a good man.

How is he not his dad's 'problem'? No one wants this poor kids, his mum sounds thoroughly toxic. No wonder he's off the rails.

I feel sorry for the young lad, but being honest, I wouldn’t want anything to do with this situation. His own parents need to step up. He’s not your son, he’s not your partners son. If it was me, I’d be getting on with my life with my own children and telling my partner that I expect him to do the same.

OPs partner isn’t the boys dad.

Woah, some of the comments on here are shocking. This poor boy sounds like he has been through so much and clearly needs support that he isn’t getting from his mother.
I can’t tell you what to do but honestly if I were in this situation I would be getting him therapy, putting my twins back together so he can have his own room and really supporting him to get a job and know his worth. Showing him the love he needs and teaching him how to really behave. Perhaps with his mum out of the picture he will have a better chance.
if you send him home to his mum what will happen to him?

Does DSS know that he isn’t birth dad?

In your shoes, OP I would want this troubled young man out of your home.

Yes he’s been dealt a bad hand with his parents but his decisions to do terrible things are his decisions- pushing little babies over when he was 14 suggests that he has a violent and cruel streak.

You haven’t got room for this boy either and I wouldn’t be accommodating him to the detriment of my own children.

I would contact SS for support for him but he would not be staying another night.

So many of the posts on here are absolutely sickening.

The lad is 16 years old FFS, he's practically still a child! Yet a number of posters have such a dismissive attitude towards him, I actually wonder if they have the ability to feel compassion for another human being, and they should be ashamed of their comments. I'm so glad myself and other compassionate posters are not like them.

Everyone KNOWS that OP's partner isn't his biological dad, and that he hasn't 'legally' adopted him, but SO WHAT! Her partner clearly cares for the lad, so not sharing DNA or an adoption certificate doesn't mean a thing.

What matters is that the lad needs help, he's vulnerable, at a low point in his life, his biological parents are useless or aren't in the picture, so someone should help him before he goes on a massive downward spiral.
People aren't expecting the OP to have him stay in her home, but suggest that her partner should not just 'fuck him off back to his mothers ', as a few posters have demanded, because 'he's not their problem'. How disgusting.

OP, you sound caring and I hope you and your partner help his son out (I say son because your partner sees him as that) by getting him back on the right track and letting him know he's not alone in the World.

OP has specified that her autistic twins cant cope with sharing, so that isn't an option.

@mumofoneAloneandwell obviously knows that @Gymmum82, but she realises that the OP's partner is a lovely human being who has a lot of compassion and love in his heart, and mumofone obviously also shares that same compassion.

Unfortunately, you seem to be the opposite, and so will probably never be able to see it from that poor young lad's point of view - you're not his mum by any chance are you?

His very dear step-father has been absolutely brilliant with him, and obviously loves him. He also, obviously, realises something that very few people seem to these days, which is that when he took on the 'father role' when he lived with the poor boy's horrendous mum and the boy himself, that it's not good enough to just take on the role of a parent for a limited time (whether one initially knew it was going to be limited or not), but that for any adult who takes on at least part of the responsibility for a child, that that responsibility, their humanity (as an abstract noun), should continue with the adult until the child legally reaches 18 years of age, or even more humanely, reaches a hopefully well rounded and content 25 years old - which is usually when the adult brain actually starts to kick in. I would also expect, and hope, that the probably far too rare members of society - like the wonderful step-dad here - would just keep on loving and caring about their child for the rest of their life, however their parent roll initially came about.

Of course, the OP and her DP were right to give the step-child's room - that they believed he would no longer want/need - to one of the youngsters, as letting it stand empty for years would have been ridiculous, but they would both be really cruel if they just chucked this very traumatised and vunerable child out on to the streets now that he has shown his need for them, and we know that the step-dad is the opposite of cruel. Thank goodness that there are at least a few worthwhile people still living on this ever reducing globe.

I agree
you have no legal obligations and 2 autistic children to think about
get rid of him and don’t have him
back - it’s very sad but it’s not a you problem his mother needs to sort this out

YWNBU for letting your younger sons have a room each, of course. Or for any other reason that I can see - you and your DP sound great - you may be the last chance this young fella has to find something positive in himself. Clearly, your smaller children have to be kept safe and it sounds like they really are being. It's very difficult of course, but I think you need to find a way to look after all of your children properly here. I'd love to know what the 'he's not even your DP's biological SON' people would suggest if he was. It could easily have still happened this way. Someone up-thread suggested finding a small place locally for DSS to live while his father supports him in finding the best way forward - I wonder whether you could fin help to do this? Might social services have options? either way - please do (both/all of you) keep supporting him if you can. He deserves a chance. Really wishing you all the love and best with this.

You need to speak to social care. He can't stay with you, his behaviour is not appropriate to have around young children and as you say you don't have the room. Your DP needs to phone your local children's services in the morning and explain the situation and get some advice.

Get rid of him

You sound so kind

I am a very kind person but the OP’s autistic children need to be considered in all of this - it isn’t fair on them.

He can't possibly stay in the house. You simply cannot accommodate him OP, so agree with PPs the least worst option is to involve SS and the adults continue to have contact with him outside the home.

Hard agree with you xx

I do like the idea of getting a blow up mattress and putting it in DS’s room as he co sleeps with us, all their toys are in the living room which makes stepson sleeping in there unrealistic as they get up much earlier than him. They did actually wake him up this morning and he wasn't angry or anything but I do want to avoid them waking him if possible

I will feel guilty if I just threw him out or even sent him back to his mums, as he's said his stepdad is abusive and the things his mum said to DP about stepson were cruel.

He came back not long ago, he isn't drunk or anything he just seems sad? His eyes are red but it doesn't seem he's been smoking weed he looks like he's being crying more than anything. When asked he just said he was “fine”

Not at all, it’s securely strapped in place.

Certainly kinder for the OP's 2 vulnerable twins who were being physically pushed over by a 14 year old when they were 10 months.

Get rid of him sounds sensible. He's not safe

But he isn’t his Dad, he wasn’t a father, legally or biologically, he wasn’t a step father, he was a boyfriend for a few years when the boy was little, one of a chain of boyfriends of the boy’s Mum. I actually think letting a little boy think you are his Dad in this messed up situation isn’t kind. His mother could, and did take him away at any point, and she only wants help now as he is a year off legal adulthood and she can’t be bothered to support him. Your DH would have been kinder telling him that he loved him, and cared about his welfare, and would always try to help where possible, but that as he isn’t his Dad he has no legal rights and there might sometimes be limits on what he could do. It’s good to have adults who love you, it’s important to understand their limits. Calling himself “Dad” and then disappearing out of his life, even though it wasn’t your husband’s choice, has probably caused more hurt and insecurity. Dads are supposed to always be there, so it seems like a negative, whereas an adult who has no connection to you, but loves you and will try and help you, is someone to be grateful for, a positive in your difficult life.
I think the pps calling your twins his “brothers” are trying to force a situation that is a lie, they aren’t brothers in any way. Brothers might be resented, clearly they were, whereas the loved children of a man who cares about you - again that’s a positive not a negative.
Pretending something is true when it isn’t , doesn’t help children.
OP I agree with pps that having this boy in your home is a huge undertaking, I suppose the first thing to ensure is that he is not aggressive towards your four year olds. You need very clear boundaries and house rules if he is going to stay. You also need to be prepared to stick to them. He is very young in his school year, but he’s now a bit old to redo year 11. Would he agree to go to college and take GCSEs ? Is there anything he is interested in or good at ?

i hope things can work out op

Just to say OP I think what you and your DP are doing is admirable, you may be the difference between this young man getting his life on track, or completely going off the rails and ending up in a really bad way. I think the ‘not your problem’ attitude is harsh, your DP has clearly been a father to him to all intents and purposes and just because that isn’t blood doesn’t discount that in my opinion. Clearly you need to keep the best interests of your young boys at the forefront. Can he stay with you on the understanding that there are strict rules in place, and it is for the short term while he gets his life on track. If he can sort himself out and get his head straight with support, maybe in a few months a longer term solution can be sought, he may be working by then and may be able to get himself a house share etc.