To have got rid of stepsons room?

[Berfudia]

Prepared to get flamed here but anyway..
My DP (not married, we've been together 9 years) dated a woman and she had an 18mo DS, they were together until he was 5/6 and split up. DP was the only dad he knew really, his bio dad was in prison. When they split he carried on seeing him and treated him as his own.

His mum moved away 3.5 hours when he was around 11 so it made it difficult but he still made an effort, he just struggled EOW with the long drive and his ex would never meet halfway. I then found out I was pregnant and we have 4yo twin boys. The bedrooms were. 1. Myself and DP. Smaller room. DSS and the other bigger room our DS’s sharing.

When the twins were born his mum starting filling his head with lies that DP didn't love him or want him now he had his “real” boys, made it out like he was an inconvenience. Stepson would push them over when learning to walk so after this I said he wasn't welcome here, a 14 yo boy pushing a 10mo baby wasn't right. Whenever he came he stayed in a hotel with DP and they did their own thing. After a while, he said he didn't want to see DP, told him to fuck off and blocked him. His mum seemed pleased with this. She was dating a new man and would constantly say that stepson didn't need DP anymore. This was the reason she moved so far away.

Fast forward to now, we haven't seen him in about 2.5 years, our boys are both autistic and can't cope with sharing so we replaced stepsons room. We put his (few) belongings that he had here somewhere safe, like football trophies and a hoodie and posters.

He's 17 in a week, his mum messaged DH as she's done with him. He's totally off the rails, smokes weed and does other hard drugs. Invites both girls and boys over and left a condom wrapper lying around (he says this wasnt him), failed his GCSEs and dropped out of college last year in October, just a month after starting and has just been lazing around since. Stealing and selling the things he stole. He took her partners watch and sold it etc. The final straw was him he smashed up her partners car

DP was near that way for work so popped in to speak to him but his mum made it clear she didn't want him there, had his stuff In black bags etc and stepson didn't really fight it he just seemed quiet. They got back at about 10pm on Monday night, DP told him to sleep on the sofa so he didn't disturb me or our DCs as we were already asleep. Fast forward to yesterday, he told us his mum favoured her partners daughters and her child they had together. his stepdad would above him and he does have bruises on his wrists where someone would've grabbed him. Then he found out we’d not kept his room and flipped. He was shouting and swearing and was being unpleasant. We tried to show him we’d kept his things, DP went into the loft and got them. He got the football trophies and threw them away because according to him they don't matter anymore

He stormed out last night, came back around 1am drunk and shouting at DP when he asked him to be quiet. He stole DP’s card and used contactless to pay. I'm not sure how he got around the ID part.
Today he's been asleep on the sofa and I've taken my DC out so he can sleep off the hangover. DP has been with him and apparently he's just being laying there not speaking to him.

Were we unreasonable? Also in case people ask: we rent, and don't have a seperate dining room.

It's fine to say he shouldn't be moving in with the OP and her young kids, I would agree with that and I think her DH helping him find some supported accommodation would be the best outcome.

But Christ, some of the comments on here are really shit. I have thought quite a few times about some of the stories we see of abused children who get killed by their parents. There is always outrage but if those kids had lived to be teenagers there is every chance they would end up with the same kind of issues as this boy.

At what point to abused children stop being victims and become a "thing"?

Newsflash: She makes that clear

@beAsensible1 - "Well yes because the first problem
was kicking him out for knocking the children over when it requirement observation and serious punishment. you don’t punish children by throwing them out. It’s a bizarre
you don’t kick a child out because of sibling rivalry you tackle it head on..."

AIUI he wasn't kicked out, he went back to his mother and his mother was delighted because it was driving a wedge between the boy and the OP's DP.

The rest of your post is unintelligible. I don't know what "... knocking the children over when it requirement observation and serious punishment..." even means. Are you saying it required serious punishment or that it only required observation?

Also the children are not siblings. There is no family relationship at all.

I think a 14 year old deliberately pushing over 10 month old twins who are no relation is something that requires immediate intervention - not just observation

Mumsnet love to try to punish and kick out other people's kids, it's really depressing. This kid is obviously desperate for someone to see him as a priority.

Can he sleep in your sitting room temporarily OP? Alternatively could one of your kids sleep in with you?

There need to be well explained boundaries that he needs to agree to stick with. He needs to understand that the other children have SEN and it's not possible for him to just behave however he likes. He then needs lots of help and support with next steps to get him on his feet.

You both sound like really kind people OP. I have no doubt you are great parents. I despair for the kids of some of the posters on here, they have zero empathy.

Even if it were your partner's bio or adoptive son coming to you, he'd need a preliminary conversation about house rules, discipline, and what to expect going forward; it sounds like that didn't happen. If the 16yo genuinely can't or won't abide by house rules including not drinking or doing drugs and not shouting in the middle of the night, he's unfortunately got to go.

Is the bio-dad still in prison? It's late, but he still has responsibility for his child and should be given the opportunity to step up. Or a relative of the biodad or the mother? It's not your husband's legal responsibility but it seems clear he feels it is his responsibility on some ethical level, and on a practical level the 16yo is with him now. However, the 16yo also has to understand that he has very limited choices of where to live right now and that stealing, doing hard drugs (if he does) and making a ruckus when drunk would have severe negative consequences even if he could afford his own place right now. Sobered up and a long calm talk should be the first step, but if you believe the younger children are in danger he can't stay in the house with them even short-term.

Also to everyone saying he's not his Dad, it's not clear if OP's husband feels that way. She says he treated him as his own, drove miles to have him EOW after they moved, and paid to take him to hotels to stay when he couldn't go to their home anymore. He also went straight over there to offer support when he heard he was struggling. All of that is far more than many biological fathers do.

Just wondering who all the bleeding hearts would blame if the vulnerable teen takes his anger out on the vulnerable 4 year olds (for which he has previous form) or the OP - who I am sure feels pretty vulnerable around a strapping 17 year old with drug and anger issues who cares not one jot for her? Life isn't a Hallmark movie, it's about decisions that have to be made out of practicality and safety. The best placed party to help this near adult, who has substance abuse issues, needs college/an apprenticeship/a job and needs a stable roof over his head, is social services. They will have everything in place to give him holistic help, not dribs and drabs of charity from a reluctant, non related, vulnerable family whom this teen already deeply resents and mistrusts.

Have you got a signed copy of this "vow"?

Where has a vow suddenly come from?

You're making stuff up to fit what you think people should do.

If you want to do it, you offer the kid a home

Newsflash: lots of people on here aren’t mothers!

He needs more help than you can give him. You gave your own children to think about. He needs to go!,Send him back to his mother and tell her to seek help for him through Social Services.

No.

I've said nothing about adoption and AIUI theOP's DP has not adopted this child.

I'm no expert but my understanding is that if you decide to adopt a child - a major decision - then you are in effect legally accepting that child as yours ie same as a biological child

Can you please point out to me where the OP has said that her DP adopted this kid 'cos I must have overlooked it

The bruises on his wrist may well be from the stepdad grabbing him to try to stop him from wrecking his car or whatever he was doing.
It's not abuse to try to restrain him in those circumstances.

No you weren't unreasonable for getting rid of his room.

@Tofudinosaur had excellent advice here about taking him out and trying to talk to him 'man to man'.

What?

He raised the kid as his own? That's vowing to be the kids dad

I'm offering my advice on a post asking for opinions about the situation

@Tofudinosaur - a game of golf?!?!?! 😂

Then why are you mentioning blood? Lots of families dont share blood, it doesn't make them not family.

Raising a kid as your own isnt done on a whim. Its a choice and a commitment, and isnt to be thrown away because there's a new kid.

I cant argue tbh, your cruel way of thinking will never make sense to me, and I've made my point clearly

DP tried to see him regularly even after he moved 3.5 hours away. Previously we had him EOW and holidays but when he moved it became a struggle and too expensive. Driving 14 hours in a weekend and realistically he was only here on a Saturday. He’d get here at about 7:30/8pm sometimes later on a Friday then DP would start driving him back at about 1 or 2pm on a Sunday so driving all that way for one day didn't benefit any of us really. Stepson also found it long and hated it, he'd constantly say “why did mum have to move so far”. Then he'd come during holidays, we took him on UK breaks and it was lovely. We didn't kick him out when he pushed one of our DC but I didn't feel my baby was safe, a teenager pushing him when he was learning to walk. I do believe it was due to the things his mum said. DP would pay for a hotel and spend the time with him doing what stepson wanted it was like this for another 6ish months then he started saying he didn't want to see him, told him to fuck off and blocked him. I don't believe not wanting him around our babies contributed to this. The hotel might’ve even been better for him anyway as in his mind he wasn't sharing DP’s attention with the twins or me.

Thank you to the poster who sent the link, I'll look at it later

He shouldn’t move in , he sounds far too disruptive . concentrate on raising your own children .

As a survivor of the care system I actually see all perspectives. The biological mother’s and new parents behaviour's needs to be examined by SS. The boy may be troubled however taking drugs, violence and leaving education is partly a choice. Abusing young children at 14 is also partly a choice. Stealing from someone who has taken you in was a choice. However he does need support and if the OP and partner are willing to offer it then that is a positive with clear and consistent behavioural ground rules.

I dislike the whole holier and thou foster and adoption brigade. A majority of Care Leavers do. They want halos etc… forgetting to mention the money they make from fostering and the demands they make on the state for being adoptive parents. I had to escape abuse at 16 and make my way in the world with nothing this was in the 90s when there was limited support compared to today. I made mistakes and did not experience love until my thirties. However I have never been violent to another human being as an excuse for the abused I experienced.

MN can be a truely horrible place.

Ultimately he's not your responsibility if it's too much. I do feel sad for the kid though.

Give the fuck over. He's been dumped on the not-dad because the mum is useless. He's not OPs problem whatsoever

You might struggle to get social services to be involved with a 17 year old who isn't already a looked after child. Does he have social care involvement where he was living with mum?

That is a possibility and agreed that isn't abusive, but the way his mum was talking to DP about him does sound abusive (how can you not care what happens to your child?), and when he came back last night he told DP to just hit him and get it over with. DP has never hit him and never would

The dad raised him from when he was young. You dont abandon the children you raise as your own.

Yep.