To have got rid of stepsons room?

[Berfudia]

Prepared to get flamed here but anyway..
My DP (not married, we've been together 9 years) dated a woman and she had an 18mo DS, they were together until he was 5/6 and split up. DP was the only dad he knew really, his bio dad was in prison. When they split he carried on seeing him and treated him as his own.

His mum moved away 3.5 hours when he was around 11 so it made it difficult but he still made an effort, he just struggled EOW with the long drive and his ex would never meet halfway. I then found out I was pregnant and we have 4yo twin boys. The bedrooms were. 1. Myself and DP. Smaller room. DSS and the other bigger room our DS’s sharing.

When the twins were born his mum starting filling his head with lies that DP didn't love him or want him now he had his “real” boys, made it out like he was an inconvenience. Stepson would push them over when learning to walk so after this I said he wasn't welcome here, a 14 yo boy pushing a 10mo baby wasn't right. Whenever he came he stayed in a hotel with DP and they did their own thing. After a while, he said he didn't want to see DP, told him to fuck off and blocked him. His mum seemed pleased with this. She was dating a new man and would constantly say that stepson didn't need DP anymore. This was the reason she moved so far away.

Fast forward to now, we haven't seen him in about 2.5 years, our boys are both autistic and can't cope with sharing so we replaced stepsons room. We put his (few) belongings that he had here somewhere safe, like football trophies and a hoodie and posters.

He's 17 in a week, his mum messaged DH as she's done with him. He's totally off the rails, smokes weed and does other hard drugs. Invites both girls and boys over and left a condom wrapper lying around (he says this wasnt him), failed his GCSEs and dropped out of college last year in October, just a month after starting and has just been lazing around since. Stealing and selling the things he stole. He took her partners watch and sold it etc. The final straw was him he smashed up her partners car

DP was near that way for work so popped in to speak to him but his mum made it clear she didn't want him there, had his stuff In black bags etc and stepson didn't really fight it he just seemed quiet. They got back at about 10pm on Monday night, DP told him to sleep on the sofa so he didn't disturb me or our DCs as we were already asleep. Fast forward to yesterday, he told us his mum favoured her partners daughters and her child they had together. his stepdad would above him and he does have bruises on his wrists where someone would've grabbed him. Then he found out we’d not kept his room and flipped. He was shouting and swearing and was being unpleasant. We tried to show him we’d kept his things, DP went into the loft and got them. He got the football trophies and threw them away because according to him they don't matter anymore

He stormed out last night, came back around 1am drunk and shouting at DP when he asked him to be quiet. He stole DP’s card and used contactless to pay. I'm not sure how he got around the ID part.
Today he's been asleep on the sofa and I've taken my DC out so he can sleep off the hangover. DP has been with him and apparently he's just being laying there not speaking to him.

Were we unreasonable? Also in case people ask: we rent, and don't have a seperate dining room.

Is your DP damaged in the head?

Why is he putting his actual sons at risk for a man who isn't even related to him in anyway?

Why are you putting up with this farce?

Oh ok, calling a 17yr old "thing" is perfectly acceptable.
What is it with mumsnetters and "biology". They're not blood so get rid.
Anyone who has been adopted/fostered and reading these opinions on this site must feel like shit

I do worry about what will happen if we don't help him, he already has low self esteem re the football trophies not mattering, dp took a photo of the bruises on his wrist but he says he doesn't want to report it because that doesn't matter either. He's been saying his birthday next week will be shit etc.

But the boys can't share, one is a bad sleeper and would constantly wake the other one and then they'd have meltdowns etc. One of them does co sleep with us most nights so we could in reality give stepson that room but that feels unfair to remove sons room. We can't afford a bigger house.

I will call social services but I have no idea what to say to them. I don't think a hostel will be a good place for a 16yo especially as he already feels abandoned. But he's out again now and have no idea what he's going to get up to

I accept that this is probably academic but the partner hasn’t adopted this boy. He doesn’t have legal parental responsibility and isn’t on the birth certificate. He’s not a legal guardian. This could actually be really dangerous if medical decisions need to be made in his interests and he can’t consent himself- i.e if he has a drug overdose or something similar and the mother and bio father are nowhere to be found…

Also people are forgetting that the mother has already poisoned her son against the partner and he’s already had a really extreme reaction to his room being emptied (in quite reasonable circumstances).

The OP and her partner are not the right people to house this kid- they can offer support but he needs someone with the right skills and authority.

He’s not his dad and he did well to look after him all these years but I’d cut contact he sounds a liability

🙄 utter nonsense.

@Berfudia

Luckily this 17yo is not your stepson!
(He is not your partner’s son, and you are not married to your partner anyway) so he should have nothing to do with you. Wash your hands of him.

Supporting a neglected young person can take many forms. It doesn’t mean bringing them into your own home.

It could mean liaising with social services. Or weekly phone calls. Perhaps some financial support. Maybe meeting up for a coffee somewhere.

But love means boundaries. Being clear about what is and isn’t acceptable. Contacting police if the law is broken. Stopping contact temporarily if lines are crossed.

As a society the world doesn’t need another angry young man. They can do untold damage to themselves and others. And cost society £££ in thefts, damage and worse and prison sentences. The more we can try and do to prevent that the better.

Maybe the 17yo could see if his actual dad is out of jail yet, or find some of his actual family members to offload on.

That's all grand except he isn't the child's dad!

Some gobsmackingly horrible posts on this thread. You can always rely on the inhumanity of Mumsnet.

And slowly, and very slowly, he could try to form a bond with his brothers.

You mean his mum's ex partners children with his new partner? Hardly brothers!

Yeah, some don't even seem the "motherly" type to be on this site

This young adult told his ‘dad’ to fuck off and then blocked him. Now, years later he’s kicked off big-time because the ‘dad’ and the OP didn’t keep a room for the teen who told them to fuck off and blocked them?

This is a disturbed young man. That’s very sad and he needs help with that, but he clearly only went off with his ‘dad’ because he had nowhere else to go, not because he cares about him. The fact he was quiet for 24hrs could easily have been sulking, or because he was disappointed to find OP and the young DC there.

There is no way he can stay in the house, OP. It’s potentially unsafe for your DC. This is no judgement on this teen, just a fact. I suspect this young man not seeing his bio father has contributed to this. He sounds angry and disturbed. He needs support - but from professionals not you. Speak to SS. It’s not rejecting him - because he’s done a pretty good job of rejecting most of the adults in his life. He desperately needs some kind of counselling.

It’s too late the damage was done when at 14 you kicked him out your home. You weren’t unreasonable to use the room after he’d been gone 2.5 years. He’s 17 now- not much you can do to help him now unless he wants it. Only thing to be done is contact social services as pps suggested.

I’m probably going against the grain here. I think Dp should take step son out for a drive, meal, kick about, golf, whatever. Tell him he is sorry his mum is like this, knows it’s hard, people aren’t perfect, but the son and him aren’t responsible for that but are responsible as men for their own behaviour, and son has his own life and path to choose. Say he wants to help him stay on right path but knows that’s hard. Or if dp cant do that then sit down together and you do that. But do say that this is last chance under your roof and he needs to try as much as you both are to make this work.

My suggestion after that if ss sticks about - he might be too far gone on drugs, drink and anger- is your dp should have a blow up bed on floor of biggest of your twins rooms with the step son. You co sleep with one of the twins and the other keeps his room. The step son can’t be left unsupervised in your house - no. He is too volatile right now. He is off the rails. He isn’t safe at moment. But he is maybe saveable. Take all drink out of house though. He is in pain and drink will only bring that out.

This is what I would try. But it is totally up to you! Either way no he cant do this again! And if he doesn’t want this, messes up, then you MUST protect the twins. And if you just don’t want to try this then it’s totally ok too. Sorry you are going through this xx

ps I don’t see this sleeping arrangement as long term. Just a few weeks and emphasise that so he’s aware. If you don’t see yourselves housing him long term then say upfront you will help him find his place and be there for him. If you think house could work that’s your choice too.

Apologies, I haven't read the whole thread, but haven't seen anyone saying this. In terms of what you say to children's social care; if this boy is effectively homeless, he may be a "Southwark Judgement" child and entitled to accommodation as a looked after child. See one local authority's guidance on this here: 16 and 17 year old young people at risk of homelessness. You mentioned a hostel - it is more likely to be "supported accommodation", independent living with input from a support worker. This type of accommodation is now inspected by Ofsted. It still may not be great, but perhaps better than you are imagining. What I don't know is whether your local authority would say he's the responsibility of the local authority where his mother lives. If you want him to be placed locally, you or your partner might need to be firm about your partner's links to him and about the possible abuse at his mother's.

I think you aren't understanding.

This boy might need the OP's DP in his life, but the OP, her DP and their two vulnerable children most certainly do not need him in their lives.

If you have a different view because you have a long history of fostering and adoption, then you should be advocating getting social services involved to sort this out.

Having been abandoned by his biological parents, he's society's problem. Just because the OP's DP has previously tried to help in his life does not make the OP's DP - or the OP herself - responsible for him now.

The only important things in the OP's and her DP's lives are their shared children. The DP should not be jeapordising that

Agree with this, I think you were BU 3 years ago.

This ^

All you can do is tell him they if he wants to be part of your family he has to be a grown up. He needs to understand that your twins need their own rooms. He needs NOT to get drunk and damage your property, shout, kick off etc. He needs to go to college and get a job (part time/full time) and help around the home if he wants to be fed and have a roof and somewhere to sleep.

Tell him if he can’t be an adult then he can’t stay. I know he’s 17 but it’s not hard for a 17yr old to be more grown up. I have DS18 & 19 so I do know they can be mature if encouraged to do so.

Give him one chance and if it doesn’t work he had to go .

Agree with contacting social services. You could also contact Barnardo’s and explain the situation. See what they can suggest.

posted twice - edited out.

mumofoneAloneandwell If your so concerned why don't you take him in. He's a stranger hasnt been in their lives for years. He hasnt got PR, he was his dm ex partner. Op your maib concern is safe guarding your dc. You owe this child nothing he has a mother and your dp isnt his dad

What are his plans ?college,work and such?
I would find out if he wants to live in your area or his mums. Then get him to the local council and he can tell them he is homeless.
You cant keep him . He is to unpredictable. And to be fair after nearly 3 years you dont really know him.
His mum sounds like she has failed him a lot and his bio dad.