To have got rid of stepsons room?

[Berfudia]

Prepared to get flamed here but anyway..
My DP (not married, we've been together 9 years) dated a woman and she had an 18mo DS, they were together until he was 5/6 and split up. DP was the only dad he knew really, his bio dad was in prison. When they split he carried on seeing him and treated him as his own.

His mum moved away 3.5 hours when he was around 11 so it made it difficult but he still made an effort, he just struggled EOW with the long drive and his ex would never meet halfway. I then found out I was pregnant and we have 4yo twin boys. The bedrooms were. 1. Myself and DP. Smaller room. DSS and the other bigger room our DS’s sharing.

When the twins were born his mum starting filling his head with lies that DP didn't love him or want him now he had his “real” boys, made it out like he was an inconvenience. Stepson would push them over when learning to walk so after this I said he wasn't welcome here, a 14 yo boy pushing a 10mo baby wasn't right. Whenever he came he stayed in a hotel with DP and they did their own thing. After a while, he said he didn't want to see DP, told him to fuck off and blocked him. His mum seemed pleased with this. She was dating a new man and would constantly say that stepson didn't need DP anymore. This was the reason she moved so far away.

Fast forward to now, we haven't seen him in about 2.5 years, our boys are both autistic and can't cope with sharing so we replaced stepsons room. We put his (few) belongings that he had here somewhere safe, like football trophies and a hoodie and posters.

He's 17 in a week, his mum messaged DH as she's done with him. He's totally off the rails, smokes weed and does other hard drugs. Invites both girls and boys over and left a condom wrapper lying around (he says this wasnt him), failed his GCSEs and dropped out of college last year in October, just a month after starting and has just been lazing around since. Stealing and selling the things he stole. He took her partners watch and sold it etc. The final straw was him he smashed up her partners car

DP was near that way for work so popped in to speak to him but his mum made it clear she didn't want him there, had his stuff In black bags etc and stepson didn't really fight it he just seemed quiet. They got back at about 10pm on Monday night, DP told him to sleep on the sofa so he didn't disturb me or our DCs as we were already asleep. Fast forward to yesterday, he told us his mum favoured her partners daughters and her child they had together. his stepdad would above him and he does have bruises on his wrists where someone would've grabbed him. Then he found out we’d not kept his room and flipped. He was shouting and swearing and was being unpleasant. We tried to show him we’d kept his things, DP went into the loft and got them. He got the football trophies and threw them away because according to him they don't matter anymore

He stormed out last night, came back around 1am drunk and shouting at DP when he asked him to be quiet. He stole DP’s card and used contactless to pay. I'm not sure how he got around the ID part.
Today he's been asleep on the sofa and I've taken my DC out so he can sleep off the hangover. DP has been with him and apparently he's just being laying there not speaking to him.

Were we unreasonable? Also in case people ask: we rent, and don't have a seperate dining room.

You're not understanding. Everything you have mentioned re the mum's failures emphasises why this boy needs DH in his life, as the only stable parental figure he has ever known. This can be done in a controlled way without putting anyone at risk.

Maybe I have a different perspective as my extended family has a long history of fostering and adoption and does not see vulnerable young people the same way you do.

I think that the best case scenario here would be for the boy to move to some kind of supported hostel that he could hopefully remain in for a few years rather than be kicked out of at 18, but it be close to your home.

So that your partner could try and facilitate some positive relationship with the boy and be one of the few decent role models in his life. But this is easier said than done of course. You need ss input asap.

Not unreasonable at all. You dont owe this boy anything. I wouldn't have a violent drunk person in my house.

This is so bloody sad, this kid desperately needs someone on his side. He will of seen the bedroom not being there as a sign of rejection, at a point when he’s already been rejected massively by his mum.

I know this isn’t “your” problem, but it has to be someone’s problem, and I couldn’t turn my back on him at this point. As someone else said, offer him the chance to turn things around - house rules, he needs to work, no drugs.

Yes. I have worked as a consultant psychiatrist for decades and can see how vulnerable this young man is. For everybody’s sake, including the wider community, he needs some kind of intense positive support asap, otherwise he really will throw his life away. In the future, he may be a risk to himself or others unless he is supported to get onto the right path now.

What a horrible situation OP. I’m so sorry, it must be so hard for you

That's a disgusting comment.
Shame on you!!

I would contact social services for advice. He's been abused by his new step parent and has serious issues of his own not least lack of quals, drink and drug abuse; then there's your inability to house him and the safeguarding risk to your young children.

It's terribly sad, in an ideal world you would be able to secure funds to house him locally and support him getting into education and training before he goes the way of his bio father. But it has to cut both ways, he's 17 now, he's had an epically sh*t start in life and that isn't fair, but he can either be a victim or find the resolve to try to claw his way out of it. Nor is it the fault of your vulnerable children who also have their own issues.

Poor lad. emergency housing is likely to be very difficult to come by, he may find himself Street homeless and will probably have to present to the council saying this. If they think they can have him live at yours they will, you have definitely got a safeguarding risk on your hands at minimum if he is not supervised around the twins, I think you need an emergency plan and a slightly longer term one to share with him. Emergency would be keep him off the streets for a few days (on your sofa/in temporary accommodation etc), but potentially don’t admit this to social services or housing at the council, hopefully he can get emergency housing near you. give him very firm boundaries around behaviour obviously. Talk to him like an adult, explain the complexity of the situation and how it’s essential that you all cooperate calmly so you can all stabilise the situation. And then a slightly more long-term plan would be that he is settled in some sort of accommodation, and you guys are somewhere in his orbit, offering reassurance and love.

It doesn’t have to be OP’s problem, or her DH’s though. Nor should it be.

If his mother can wash her hands of him then his mother’s ex certainly can.

Do OP’s kids get a look in? No, just forced to have an unrelated nearly adult man with a drug problem in their home, losing a bedroom, mum being stressed out of her head. Because what, #bekind?

And yeah @Gymmum82 your comments on this thread are disgusting

Well yes because the first problem
was kicking him out for knocking the children over when it requirement observation and serious punishment. you don’t punish children by throwing them out. It’s a bizarre

you don’t kick a child out because of sibling rivalry you tackle it head on.

and most people wouldn’t kick out their wayward 17 year old drug using teen either they’d fight to get them back on a good path. As arguably the best place for a 17 year old casual drug user is not in some hostel with potential serious drug user, kids in petty crime or doing county lines.

it often seems on here that step children are often the first ones to be kicked out. Whether with steps or resident parents. They just are seen as surplus to all these new families and the easiest option is out of sight out of mind.

Perhaps you’d like to take him in. You’re as related to and responsible for him as the OP is and no doubt far more qualified.

I think this is really difficult. Your partner is not his biological dad and doesn’t even have parental responsibility, plus he’s been out of the kid’s life for years. Plus you have two vulnerable sons to look after.

I’d reluctantly agree with other posters that legally and morally it’s not your partner’s responsibility to sort out. Your partner could actually end up with allegations of abuse and god knows what else if he gets too involved. I’d be messaging his mum to say you’re happy to bring him back or report to social services that he’s homeless and if she doesn’t agree for him to go back get in touch with social services asap (in fact I’d probably do that anyway).

Acting like he’s a crackhead because he’s done the stupid teenager things like take drugs. As those things are not something that can be turned around with a bit of effort from someone who gives shit.

rather than turning him into a homeless teenager

He's not your problem. DP was only with his mum for 3/4 years over 10 years ago! He's not his 'dad' or anything close.
His mum may not have put her child first but you need to. Why on earth would you disrupt the lives of two small autistic children for a disturbed older teen who has proven to be a danger to them in the past, and sees nothing wrong with stealing and destroying other people's possessions. Do you really want to risk him actually hurting one of them this time?
Tell DP he needs to take him home, she has no choice, he's her responsibility, if she doesn't want him she can contact social services.
17 is old enough to take responsibility for your own actions and no one wanting him to live in their home might have something to do with his behaviour.

But it does though. He became a stepdad for the duration of the time he was with the mother. That relationship ended and she moved too far for them to have any sort of connection - and seemed glad about that. So he hasn't been 'stepdad' for a while.
Fast forward, and NOW the boy is causing her problems she wants him to play dad again and sort things out!
Er, just no...

Accurate tho

No, the man raised him as his own.

If you make a vow to be a kids dad, you stand by it.

Have you seen my other posts saying that this young man should not be living with the OP? I said he needs to live in a supported hostel via social services, and try and build a relationship up with the OP’s partner whilst living there. Perhaps you could read before you get outraged and start typing.

He is a risk to the young kids and should not move in. I will await your apology.

Just get rid of him. He's an absolute nightmare.

So? Because one person is shit towards the boy, it justifies this man also doing the same?

But he's neither 'shit' nor 'the same': he is NOT the boy's father, so can't be compared.

No. Ill-educated and short-sighted. And attitudes like yours will cause more problems down the line for society.

I think there are two things - firstly that your partner will want to support him, and secondly that he can't live in your house. Those seem to be fundamental. At 14 he was pushing babies around and at 17 he's clearly angry and aggressive. Whatever the mumsnet pychoanalysis is - it's not safe to have him there. Unfortunately your DP is the one who is going to have to come up with something.