To have got rid of stepsons room?

[Berfudia]

Prepared to get flamed here but anyway..
My DP (not married, we've been together 9 years) dated a woman and she had an 18mo DS, they were together until he was 5/6 and split up. DP was the only dad he knew really, his bio dad was in prison. When they split he carried on seeing him and treated him as his own.

His mum moved away 3.5 hours when he was around 11 so it made it difficult but he still made an effort, he just struggled EOW with the long drive and his ex would never meet halfway. I then found out I was pregnant and we have 4yo twin boys. The bedrooms were. 1. Myself and DP. Smaller room. DSS and the other bigger room our DS’s sharing.

When the twins were born his mum starting filling his head with lies that DP didn't love him or want him now he had his “real” boys, made it out like he was an inconvenience. Stepson would push them over when learning to walk so after this I said he wasn't welcome here, a 14 yo boy pushing a 10mo baby wasn't right. Whenever he came he stayed in a hotel with DP and they did their own thing. After a while, he said he didn't want to see DP, told him to fuck off and blocked him. His mum seemed pleased with this. She was dating a new man and would constantly say that stepson didn't need DP anymore. This was the reason she moved so far away.

Fast forward to now, we haven't seen him in about 2.5 years, our boys are both autistic and can't cope with sharing so we replaced stepsons room. We put his (few) belongings that he had here somewhere safe, like football trophies and a hoodie and posters.

He's 17 in a week, his mum messaged DH as she's done with him. He's totally off the rails, smokes weed and does other hard drugs. Invites both girls and boys over and left a condom wrapper lying around (he says this wasnt him), failed his GCSEs and dropped out of college last year in October, just a month after starting and has just been lazing around since. Stealing and selling the things he stole. He took her partners watch and sold it etc. The final straw was him he smashed up her partners car

DP was near that way for work so popped in to speak to him but his mum made it clear she didn't want him there, had his stuff In black bags etc and stepson didn't really fight it he just seemed quiet. They got back at about 10pm on Monday night, DP told him to sleep on the sofa so he didn't disturb me or our DCs as we were already asleep. Fast forward to yesterday, he told us his mum favoured her partners daughters and her child they had together. his stepdad would above him and he does have bruises on his wrists where someone would've grabbed him. Then he found out we’d not kept his room and flipped. He was shouting and swearing and was being unpleasant. We tried to show him we’d kept his things, DP went into the loft and got them. He got the football trophies and threw them away because according to him they don't matter anymore

He stormed out last night, came back around 1am drunk and shouting at DP when he asked him to be quiet. He stole DP’s card and used contactless to pay. I'm not sure how he got around the ID part.
Today he's been asleep on the sofa and I've taken my DC out so he can sleep off the hangover. DP has been with him and apparently he's just being laying there not speaking to him.

Were we unreasonable? Also in case people ask: we rent, and don't have a seperate dining room.

I do agree that your partner can and should be offering other support like checking in, taking the kid out, maybe helping him back into education but I think this could be done without having him live in your house, where there are already two vulnerable kids and there isn’t enough space. That sounds like an absolute tinder box, and if he ends up hurting one of your kids things will be even worse for him. I also think he needs proper professional support not just a harassed third party and someone who he has had his mind poisoned against by his mum.

He needs to go.

Your partner can go with him if he wants to, but he absolutely cannot stay in the home with you and your twins. You won't be safe and he will destroy it.

He shouldn't even ben allowed in the house, frankly.

Op, this is a horrible situation for you all but what a decent man you have there.
The boy is at a fork in the road here and decisions made in the here and now WILL determine how the rest of his life goes.
You also have to prioritise your dc as well, so I would definitely be making a call to ss, but giving him support.
Good luck k op x

He raised him as his own?

have i misunderstood, i thought the DP only saw him EOW?

This. Is. Bollocks.

Please, again, I cannot engage with someone of your awful mindset. Thank you.

Some of you on this thread are terrifying, and I sincerely hope that the OP carries herself with the compassion and decency and protectiveness of others that mothers (biological/step/adoptive/etc) are known for.

Choosing to help her husband's chosen son, away from their autistic boys' home, is the most reasonable approach forwards, imo.

The issue here is that the boy who is no blood relation is posing a potential threat to the safety of the OP's and her DP's biological children.

In that situation there is no choice. The non-blood relation has no priority over the biological children.

That's not to say "he doesn't matter". It just means that he is not the main concern of the OP or her DP, and is not more important than their children together.

The view you are promoting is likely counter productive to your apparent wishes as no man would assist in raising a child not their own for fear of being held responsible for that child in later years.

Fuck him off back?! Your language towards this boy is astonishing.

He didn't 'make a "vow'; he just assumed that role while he was dating his mum. Then they broke up. She moved away and OP's DP moved on.
He now has his own young family that he does have a duty to prioritise. If that means protecting his then from a volatile teen who is no real relation, then so be it.

Exactly this.

There's some utter bollocks posted on here sometimes.

This is a violent child, virtually adult, that's nothing to do with either of them, and doesn't become their problem because the actual parent(s) can't be arsed.

The actual children, the little twins, they are the priority. Back he goes. To mum, or to SS.

And the two little boys who have suffered at the hands of the boy who isn’t even biologically related to OP’s partner ?

So by your logic, an adoptive child born first matters less than the biological children born after? Ok.

@Berfudia Did you post about this before? It sounds very, very familiar?

Poor lad. I hope your DP can help him make a new start. You don't owe him anything but a bit of practical and emotional support can't help. Draw your boundaries though.

The lad is in absolute crisis and the only parent he has is your DH. So although having a 17 year old boy who has no current future plans and has fallen into bad ways is an absolute challenge, your DH, rightly so, is looking after him. In my opinion you must try to help him, give him security, reassure him and your DH set out some basic ground rules and there be a very clear discussion about the twins and how to behave with them. You need to get support on board for him, talk to gp, look up organisations that help lads at this age.

It would be very wrong to abandon him, and I feel your DH should be supported.

‘Chosen son’ ? What does that even mean. Away from the romantic mindset and back in the real world this boy is nothing to do with OP or her DP. His mother has decided she doesn’t want to be responsible for him because she’s clearly prioritising her latest shag. He’s proven himself not to be trusted around OP’s other young children and you’re actually suggesting that they prioritise him over their own children ? Get a grip.

"I think there are two things - firstly that your partner will want to support him, and secondly that he can't live in your house."

I think another two things are (1) that it is not safe to return him back to his mums (he's said his stepdad abused him and his mums obviously not protectd him), and (2) that you have a responsibility to him, in the same way you have for any under 18, that you can't throw him out on to the street. I think your partner needs to contact social services.

I'm not spending my time arguing with you, about such a serious topic. My heart goes out to this boy and I hope that the OP makes the right choice.

Do you support an emotionally-neglected 17y being called a ‘thing’ then?

Poor boy, maybe he feels no one loves him.
If you and DP are willing, time to take DSS on and prove him wrong.

Adoption would actually make the DH his parent, legally. He is neither legally nor biologically this kid’s father. This is not his responsibility in any way, and it’s hideously unfair of him to land this on OP and his actual children.

In my opinion you must try to help him, give him security, reassure him and your DH set out some basic ground rules and there be a very clear discussion about the twins and how to behave with them.

And what if SS deem the lad to be such a serious concern they put the twins at risk of harm?

I dont think you were unreasonable to give the room to your children in the circumstances you describe. You also need to keep your children safe..

I also dont think this boy is unreasonable to be acting out and feel rejected. Im assuming that with his birth father rejecting him, then his mother rejecting him, he felt your dh was his most secure relationship. I hope they can work out a way of safe, continuing contact, for everyone's sake and that you can support him into accommodation that works via social services/the council.

Sometimes being the adult is very hard.

I can't get over the absolute cheek of his so-called mother.

I'm sorry but allowing this young man to move into your home is going to destroy your lives and those of your children.