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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I got it wrong or SIL

160 replies

Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 10:50

I went to visit my DB's family for few weeks. They live in another country and I flew with my baby and toddler. I am very conscious of following routines for my DC, especially food times, nap times and sleep routine.
They don't seem to have any routine with their DC. Their younger DC is same age as my older DC. I always used to plan any outing in the evening after both my DC were finished napping and we're fresh and content as I want to avoid any meltdowns and going around with a baby and toddler is hard as it is. Baby was 7 months and older DC is 3.5 years old.
My SIL made a comment that they never made any changes to their pre kids lifestyle and they made their DC to fit in their lifestyle, which meant their 3 yo DC would be awake till 1 am on the weekends when they are out and about with him, getting only 6-8 hours sleep and they have already cut his nap since he was 2. He hasn't got any fixings sleep routine and he sleeps around 11 pm, when they go to bed and wakes at 8 AM. They are not strict with processed food etc and some days he'd just have crisps and biscuits for lunch if he wants. He's very short and under weight, probably something like under 4th centile for his age. She indirectly said that I should be doing whatever I want and not worry about my kid's nap times and feed times etc. I think she's AIBU but wanted to get some perspective from others on this.

OP posts:
Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 13/08/2025 10:52

You both sound at quite extreme ends of the spectrum here, I suspect you’ll find most people are somewhere in between.

doglover90 · 13/08/2025 10:54

I mean you already sound pretty certain that your sister in law is in the wrong? Are you just hoping for a pile-on about her parenting style? Clearly it doesn't sound great but also we only have your perspective

Original poster
Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 10:54

My belief is that parents need to change their lifestyle when they decide to have a baby as babies and kids have different needs and they thrive on routines.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 10:55

I didn't make a comment or a response when she said that children need to fit in to their parents lifestyle. I am just hoping to get some perspective as she thinks I am being too accommodating for my children.

OP posts:
HoskinsChoice · 13/08/2025 10:55

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 13/08/2025 10:52

You both sound at quite extreme ends of the spectrum here, I suspect you’ll find most people are somewhere in between.

Agree with this.

But also, what time your respective kids go to bed is not the other one's business. Whilst you're in their house, you don't need to give up your routine entirely but don't ruin the holiday by sticking to it religiously and expecting everyone else to work around you.

Sirzy · 13/08/2025 10:55

Two extremes and both which have issues with them. Most people fall somewhere between.

the later nights though could be a cultural norm where they are?

CosmicEcho · 13/08/2025 10:56

It depends on you and your dc. It’s a good idea to keep feed times and nap times fairly consistent but sometimes there can be flexibility.
I’d plan certain journeys during nap time as I knew dc would sleep in the car and buggy. If they had the odd late night, they would be grumpy but it’s not the end of the world.

redskydelight · 13/08/2025 10:57

Neither of you are wrong - you just have different ways of parenting.

Tiswa · 13/08/2025 10:57

I agree you both sound at opposite extreme ends whereas I suspect most of us follow a general routine in life but adapt the routine to life not life to the routine (which is what you are doing)

because you will soon find others dictate a routine! School for example.

I could never follow a strict routine like you!

Original poster
Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 10:57

I changed my routine when I was there and done nights we were back at 1 am and I made baby to sleep in her buggy but it's not ideal and not something I would want to do every weekend.

OP posts:
FamilyPhoto · 13/08/2025 10:57

How about this.
You parent your DC your way.
Your SIL can parent her DC her way.

PestoHoliday · 13/08/2025 10:57

Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 10:54

My belief is that parents need to change their lifestyle when they decide to have a baby as babies and kids have different needs and they thrive on routines.

Some thrive on routine, some don't. It's not a one size fits all kind of deal.

HoskinsChoice · 13/08/2025 10:59

Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 10:54

My belief is that parents need to change their lifestyle when they decide to have a baby as babies and kids have different needs and they thrive on routines.

Also, kindly, you're not just a mum, you are still a person in your own right. Don't let being a mum fully dominate your life. It's not healthy for you and it's certainly not healthy for your child.

Jumpthewaves · 13/08/2025 10:59

You clearly just have different approaches. I actually think having too rigid a routine can make life harder in the long run. It's good to have a bit of flexibility, though I think they've perhaps gone too far the other way.

Original poster
Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 10:59

FamilyPhoto · 13/08/2025 10:57

How about this.
You parent your DC your way.
Your SIL can parent her DC her way.

Yes, I agree with this. This is what I suggested but I felt she made digs about how spontaneous she is and I need to not worry about routines much.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 13/08/2025 10:59

FamilyPhoto · 13/08/2025 10:57

How about this.
You parent your DC your way.
Your SIL can parent her DC her way.

Nailed it…. Keep your nose out of other peoples parenting style…

Battels · 13/08/2025 10:59

Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 10:54

My belief is that parents need to change their lifestyle when they decide to have a baby as babies and kids have different needs and they thrive on routines.

They don’t necessarily, you know. You’ve chosen to change your life, and hence you’ve produced children who are used to routine. For various complex reasons, life was very varied for DS’s first couple of years of life, so he absolutely didn’t get a routine, he napped around whatever else was going on, whether that was in a boardroom in a carrier attached to one of us, or among the coats at a party. Food we never compromised on.

You’re just looking for people to agree that your SIL is a neglectful parent.

Battels · 13/08/2025 11:00

Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 10:59

Yes, I agree with this. This is what I suggested but I felt she made digs about how spontaneous she is and I need to not worry about routines much.

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Well, she’s probably finding it restrictive to have a longterm houseguest who’s rigid about having to arrange outings etc around rigid naptimes and bedtimes.

Maray1967 · 13/08/2025 11:02

Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 10:59

Yes, I agree with this. This is what I suggested but I felt she made digs about how spontaneous she is and I need to not worry about routines much.

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It’s a good job for your SIL that I’m not her SIL. I didn’t take kindly to suggestions that I was parenting wrong and should do it their way. You need to shut her comments down firmly but with a smile - something along the lines of ‘that doesn’t work for our DC. We all know our own DC best, don’t we?’

Maray1967 · 13/08/2025 11:03

Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 10:59

Yes, I agree with this. This is what I suggested but I felt she made digs about how spontaneous she is and I need to not worry about routines much.

Show quote history

It’s a good job for your SIL that I’m not her SIL. I didn’t take kindly to suggestions that I was parenting wrong and should do it their way. You need to shut her comments down firmly but with a smile - something along the lines of ‘that doesn’t work for our DC. We all know our own DC best, don’t we?’

RimTimTagiDim · 13/08/2025 11:03

I'd find it really difficult to have guests who were rigid about following a restrictive routine. It's polite to adapt to your hosts.

rainbowstardrops · 13/08/2025 11:04

I agree with the first post that says you’re both at the extremes of a spectrum.
Your SIL sounds as if her children could potentially do with a little bit more of a routine but you sound as if you need to lighten up a bit with your routines.
Like has been said, most people fall somewhere in the middle.

Original poster
Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 11:04

I never judged her parenting style but I think it's not always about what parents want when the kids are little babies and toddler, they need to be consistent with the food and nap times especially in my case where I was the one managing them both by myself, I wanted to avoid any meltdowns to enjoy any outing, else it just becomes a difficult day and there's no joy being out and about.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 13/08/2025 11:05

RimTimTagiDim · 13/08/2025 11:03

I'd find it really difficult to have guests who were rigid about following a restrictive routine. It's polite to adapt to your hosts.

No, a compromise is fine, but that should be requested without the comments about how OP should parent differently.

We weren’t rigid over routines, but neither would I have had my DCs out in a buggy at 1am. Not a chance.

Tiswa · 13/08/2025 11:07

Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 10:59

Yes, I agree with this. This is what I suggested but I felt she made digs about how spontaneous she is and I need to not worry about routines much.

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That be I kind of think she is right with BUT you were doing it all solo