Have I got it wrong or SIL

[Ahsotired]

I went to visit my DB's family for few weeks. They live in another country and I flew with my baby and toddler. I am very conscious of following routines for my DC, especially food times, nap times and sleep routine.
They don't seem to have any routine with their DC. Their younger DC is same age as my older DC. I always used to plan any outing in the evening after both my DC were finished napping and we're fresh and content as I want to avoid any meltdowns and going around with a baby and toddler is hard as it is. Baby was 7 months and older DC is 3.5 years old.
My SIL made a comment that they never made any changes to their pre kids lifestyle and they made their DC to fit in their lifestyle, which meant their 3 yo DC would be awake till 1 am on the weekends when they are out and about with him, getting only 6-8 hours sleep and they have already cut his nap since he was 2. He hasn't got any fixings sleep routine and he sleeps around 11 pm, when they go to bed and wakes at 8 AM. They are not strict with processed food etc and some days he'd just have crisps and biscuits for lunch if he wants. He's very short and under weight, probably something like under 4th centile for his age. She indirectly said that I should be doing whatever I want and not worry about my kid's nap times and feed times etc. I think she's AIBU but wanted to get some perspective from others on this.

different parenting styles and different children. My older dc didn’t really need a routine she just skitted in my younger d c did need it and we adapted our parenting

different parenting styles and different children. My older dc didn’t really need a routine she just skitted in my younger d c did need it and we adapted our parenting

Noone has it right or wrong .. you do what’s best for you. Simple. Not sure why you need validation, or to create drama 🤷‍♀️

Why are you making this into a competition? You do things your way, your SIL does things her way. Neither of you is 'right' or 'wrong'. And no, her child's growth hasn't been stunted because he eats biscuits and crisps.

You only 'felt' that she made digs. What you've actually described just sounds like a very throwaway remark rather than a dig. I think you need to lighten up and stop judging your SIL really.

I would also add that, if you insist on a very strict routine and eating habits and so on for your child, that tends to have an impact on others when you're visiting family and so on - eg 'No, sorry, we can't go for a late lunch because DC eats at midday and then has his nap from 1pm to 3pm, we'll need everyone to fit around that' or 'We can't go to the park until we've prepared a healthy picnic for DC - we don't want him having a hot dog from the hot dog stand, so you'll have to wait for us' etc. So while you're completely entitled to parent your child the way you want to, your way will probably attract more comments from others on a family holiday because if you're doing things together, it has a big impact on everyone else whereas SIL's way doesn't.

As someone who doesn't have any kids, I find it much, much easier to be friends with someone who parents like your SIL than I do with someone who parents like you do, for that reason. I'm not saying you're wrong to do things your way - of course you should do what you feel is the right thing for your child. But if every social event or family trip has to revolve around your child's routine, of course other people are going to be impacted by that and might make comments for that reason.

Why does anyone need to be wrong?

Nah you just want us all to slag off her parenting style - own it if you’re going to be nasty about someone. Surely as a mother you know that all children are different - my older child thrived on schedule - my younger didn’t - we adapted. Did we take the children out past bedtime ? Of course! Do they eat some processed food? They have chorizo in their pack ups today - they won’t die from it as they are not eating kilos of it daily. Stop trying to judge what other parents are doing to justify what you think it’s best - it’s not a nice trait.

In some ways, your SIL has a point, in my opinion, @Ahsotired.

When my dses were little, we did have a routine, but it was flexible - I found that was helpful, because it meant that if the routine had to change, it wasn’t a disaster, with an upset child whose routine has been broken. For example, bedtime was about 7.30pm, but that wasn’t set in stone, so if we were out and about, and they ended up going to bed later, they could cope with it. The same thing went for meals too - a general routine, but it wasn’t the end of the world if a meal was a bit late.

But the bottom line is that you have to do what works for you and your child, and in your SIL’s shoes, I wouldn’t be having little digs at your different parenting style - a conversation, along the lines of ‘isn’t it interesting how we all parent differently - how does your routine work for you?’ is fine, but ‘I’m doing it right and you aren’t’ isn’t.

I was a full term baby and had a very varied diet as a kid, everything cooked from scratch, loads of fruit and veg etc. I was always, always one of the shortest children in my class. My siblings had the same diet as me and were bang on average height.

It's vanishingly unlikely in the modern developed world that a child's height will be significantly impacted by diet, and certainly not just from eating a lot of UPFs and having the odd day of eating crisps and biscuits.

I think you are more unreasonable than she is.

I mean, in my own experience it is just not true that most children "need" that routine, or rather, maybe they need it BECAUSE you made them so used to it.

I also would hate hate hosting people who then want their routine. As a third party, I would have more sympathy for the host who hints at this than for the parent who believe little Luke must live life to his clock.

To be clear: as a host I wouldn't have said anything.

I definitely lean more towards your style of parenting OP. We had very strict routines for DC when they were small and worked hard to maintain them as far as possible while on holiday. It was not always fun or easy but it was the only way we could cope. Thankfully it was just a couple of years. I don’t think SIL style would work with my kids, family or sanity!

Having said that, as PP pointed out, do what works for you and let her crack on with what works for her. As an aside, I usually find people only make comments about other people’s parenting if they are unsure or insecure about their own. Unless it’s harming the child or neglectful, I rarely notice (or care!) what other people do with their kids.

People parent differently.
Different countries/cultures parent differently (eg Spain).
Different children have different needs. They definitely can “train” their parents - some can sleep through anything, others wake when a pin drops 3 rooms away. Some thrive on no sleep, others are a nightmare.

Of you are so different then I wouldn’t stay with her but book your own apartment or something.
And other parents make judgy comments because they feel threatened that maybe their way isn’t “best” or “the only way”.

I think it's different when you have little children - for example, all preschool - and when you have older ones, primary-age and up. What older kids need is very different to what little ones need, and ime the little ones do just tend to slot in if you have to care for both at once - hoiked to classmates' parties over nap-time (with the hosts' permission before I get slammed for bringing 'unauthorised' siblings to parties 😂), sleeping in the car to and from days out, sneaking oreos and crisps on playdates that have been put out for the older ones.

It is a very different life being the toddler sibling of an older brother or sister than it is being a toddler in a household that revolves around tinies. It is much more exciting and colourful in many ways imo, but some of their "needs" do go by the wayside. My little one once fell asleep in a treehouse on a playdate with another family 😆.

That said, given that you were on your own with two children, including a tiny baby, I would have expected your DB and SIL to support you in doing whatever you felt was best to keep the kids happy and content so you could avoid stress and meltdowns where possible. For example, allowing you access to the kitchen to make meals for your kids at times that suited them.

Me and my brother never had routine. Parents would make sure we went to bed at a decent time, but weren’t strict about it. Our parents trusted us a lot and because of that lack of pressure, we just got on with things. Homework always done, made own social plans. Parents went out a lot on weekends and went on their own holidays without us as well as with us (20% v 80% of the time). We very much fitted around their lives and they didn’t baby us. I think we were both much more confident and at ease around adults as a result.

You do what you want with your own kids, let her do what she wants with hers.

Yes I imagine sister in law felt quite annoyed as well. They're a bit incompatible to spend a week on holiday together considering there's quite a drastic difference in parenting styles.

It's up to each of you how to parent your own kids. Neither of you should comment on the other, job done.

I think everyone's different but yes, your SIL shouldn't have said anything about your style of parenting.
I didn't have mine in a set routine as I knew how much trouble it would be if one day we decided to be doing something different - such as a party, night out etc. I also made sure they didn't have 1 set teddy to sleep to - there was 3 or 4. Just in case one got lost.
This worked for me, yours works for you and your SIL's way works for her. If she says anything again just say you're glad she's happy and walk off.

One of my SILs thought I was a lazy bad and neglectful parent, the other thought I was an uptight control freak who was too PFB
So its all a matter of perspective really

Safe to say that you probably wouldn't be invited to stay for weeks at a time given that attitude.

Well you're welcome to that belief, and clearly you make it work for you.

Personally, I believe that people who have overly strict routines for their baby/toddler are making a rod for their own back. It's the loss of any flexibility that is the problem, along with the inability to cope with changing circumstances.

I never had a fixed routine for my daughter and it was never a problem. It's not hard to feed a small child on the go, or arrange a makeshift sleeping space if needed.

None of the five billion people in Asia have routines for children? Gosh.

Were they really digs though, or more frustration because the family's activities were being restricted by your routines?

The problem is that your way requires everyone to be strait-jacketed into your routines.

@Ahsotired OK but that is YOUR belief and you can't expect everyone around you to fall in line with that.

You should focus on stopping the judgement -

"Parents need to change their lifestyle
Kids thrive on routine"

You sound like a rigid nightmare, honestly. Children are not copy paste. She does what works for her children. Focus on what you need to do for yours without judging or thinking you have some superior parenting philosophy.

Your need for routine, set nap times is YOUR view; it's not some holy grail of motherhood. It works for your family but there are other parents who have different views and other children who don't operate like yours do.

Next time when you visit just separate at the relevant times and do what you want to do for your children without judging someone else.

when the kids are little babies and toddler, they need to be consistent with the food and nap times

Interestingly you came on here asking a question, but you completely and unhesitatingly reject any view different from your own.

Children only need routines if you teach them to need them - which is what you have done with your children, because you find it easier for YOU .

If you don't impose routines on them in the first place they will eat when they need to and sleep when they need to - which might not be convenient for you because you find the routine easier to manage.

I'm not suggesting you are wrong in your parenting style, but your blinkered view that it is the only (and therefore the right) way to do it IS a problem.

But that is the way your children behave. I never had a routine and there were no tears and tantrums. I was a single parent working full time so there was no way I could work around DD, she had to work around me and work. She was fine. Never had any issues with changes to meal or bed times. You are doing what you do to keep your children on an even keel. And that’s fine. Your SIL isn’t wrong. Neither are you. But it is very hard when you have a guest that won’t budge on routines. Maybe your SIL was frustrated with your attitude?

I’ve been taking dd on holiday a few times a year since she was a few months old. Had a routine (not overly rigid) but never stuck to it on holiday. She would have daytime naps in her buggy while we were out and about or at the pool. Sometimes two naps which meant a later bedtime. Again we’d put her to sleep in her buggy then transferred her to cot/ bed later that night. Never had any issue clicking back to normal routine at home.