Have I got it wrong or SIL

[Ahsotired]

I went to visit my DB's family for few weeks. They live in another country and I flew with my baby and toddler. I am very conscious of following routines for my DC, especially food times, nap times and sleep routine.
They don't seem to have any routine with their DC. Their younger DC is same age as my older DC. I always used to plan any outing in the evening after both my DC were finished napping and we're fresh and content as I want to avoid any meltdowns and going around with a baby and toddler is hard as it is. Baby was 7 months and older DC is 3.5 years old.
My SIL made a comment that they never made any changes to their pre kids lifestyle and they made their DC to fit in their lifestyle, which meant their 3 yo DC would be awake till 1 am on the weekends when they are out and about with him, getting only 6-8 hours sleep and they have already cut his nap since he was 2. He hasn't got any fixings sleep routine and he sleeps around 11 pm, when they go to bed and wakes at 8 AM. They are not strict with processed food etc and some days he'd just have crisps and biscuits for lunch if he wants. He's very short and under weight, probably something like under 4th centile for his age. She indirectly said that I should be doing whatever I want and not worry about my kid's nap times and feed times etc. I think she's AIBU but wanted to get some perspective from others on this.

Everyone parents differently - you and her sound very different.

As was I and my siblings when parenting.

If theirs works for them and yours for you, you do you and let them do them. Unsure that him being small is relevant TBH ! He could have a later growth spurt.

I love a good routine and I absolutely wouldn't have mine sleeping in a buggy at 1am.

No one has got it all wrong though, just different preferences.

Yes, that’s a fair point!

Im a very routine person and always have been with the kids. I needed my sleep and didnt matter what time I kept them up to they still got up at 6am.
Friend was very go with the fllow and no routine.

So the kids were sleeping then? Just not in their beds?

I think a lot of it is cultural differences then as well. I remember many nights sleeping in cushions in the corner of a floor, or on a sofa/ bench/ on my mums lap while she chatted away and laughed with her friends until the early hours of the morning. The sleep in the car on the way home was always elite, as was being carried back to my bed from the car while pretending to be asleep.

Those are some of my fondest memories from growing up - it’s also nice for kids to see their mums relaxed and in fun person mode rather than mum mode. Also as an adult my biggest flex is I can literally fall asleep anywhere - overnight bus, plane, park bench, lights on/off, loud music/silence, sitting down/upright- my husband is so jealous of that.

So were her kids having meltdowns etc? or are you talking hypothetically about which way is better?

I also think there is a middle ground, she may have been mentioning it to try and get you to relax a little while you were on holiday, you do sound extremely rigid in your thinking which can cause a lot of unnecessary stress IMO, without considering that if you just let the routine slide a little, it wouldn't be quite as bad as you think it would.

we are somewhere in the middle, we don't demand our child fit our schedule, but we don't pander to nap times, meal times, bedtimes, ESPECIALLY when on holiday.

Also, for info, our DD dropped her daytime naps when she was just under two, she has never ever napped in the day since then, unless she was ill or didn't sleep well the night before, it can happen naturally.

My philosophy for parenting was to try and be in tune with my children’s changing needs and work with them. Sometimes they go through growth spurts where they need more rest or more food. Sometimes they’re unwell.
if I was too rigid with my routine it wouldn’t work. But they do need some routine for sure.
sounds like your both on totally different ends of the patenting style spectrum.
by being flexible with routine they can cope when things change and not have a meltdown about it.

Personally I agree with your way of doing things but what other people do is up to them and none of your business. If your dc and you and your partner are happy then just stick with what you are doing.

You parent your way.
They parent their way.

When you are the guest and being hosted, you need to accept some need to adapt to your hosts way of living.

My kids are adults now but I look back and cringe at a camping trip when they were about 1 (twins) and I made everyone wait on the campsite whilst they had a nap in their travel cots 😬before a day out.

You both parent very differently, no one is right and no one is wrong. Therefore no one should be commenting on the others parenting.

I went on holiday with my friend who had a very structured routine, whereas I was didn't have a routine. We both respected the others parenting and made sure we accommodated everyone when making plans.it worked beautifully

In Asia, there are no set routines for children's bed times. The family wakes and sleeps as pretty much a unit and the only routine is imposed by work and school timings and the particular needs of the child. OP mentions that her DB and SiL live overseas and so western european norms may not be followed. People may be eating out late with their kids but even by Asian standards, 1am is bloody late.A total lack of routine and discipline with the diet is really setting the child up with bad habits for life.

I think it depends what works for each family really - and different children are different - my second found naps on the go harder than the first so was slightly more rigid for her. Ideally you would have a balance where some things and exact timings can slip if need be, but your child wouldn't be up until 1am. (although I find this easy- since I have been a parent I've never wanted to be up until 1am)

This only works if you don't have to work though.

Most people have to get their kids to nursery by 8am... Hence routine being important.

I'm with you...my priority was my baby/toddler's wellbeing. They were so much happier, well rested and slept better when we stuck to our routine. This was at a sacrifice to our lifestyle, but I didn't mind and didn't view it as any sacrifice. We did get comments when we didn't take them to late family parties etc. Now they're older we can be spontaneous again.

You both parent very differently, no one is right and no one is wrong.

I mean I agree but if a MNer said they fed their 3yp crisps and biscuits for lunch they'd be torn apart!

Haven’t voted because I don’t think either of you are right. I think you could both be taking some tips from eachother- you to be a bit more chilled and realise it’s ok to break the routine sometimes, and her to make sure her DC get enough sleep and a healthier diet.

OP you will get the usual type of responses on here which will tell you you’re wrong to judge etc, but for what it’s worth I think it sounds like you are an organised good mum who wants routines and predictability for your DC. Whereas SIL has older kids (although her youngest is the same age as your oldest) and so she is in a different phase of parenting to you. But I would say I think she is not parenting well. They sound a bit selfish and not thinking about the best interests of their kids.
So my opinion would be that you aren’t wrong here!

Also, I find my SIL is the same, my approach is not to spend too much time with someone who has different standards to me.

I have loads of relative in Argentina and I visited them for a month.

I was amazed at how they take their babies and kids out with them in the evenings to restaurants and concerts etc. They take sleeping bags and pillows and it was normal to be eating and kids may or may not eat with the adults but then were tucked up snoozing soundly on the floor and on benches all over the place. I thought it was brilliant and the kids seemed to very well balanced individuals too.

As for the food, that is poor. The kid needs proper food.

Neither of you are right and neither are wrong. You are just parenting your own way. I will say I was more routine based and for a lot of criticism from DHs family. They are from a different country where it is the cultural norm to be be more relaxed, babies out till 1am etc. We got constant little digs but it was the best thing we did for child's sleep and our own sanity. I just smiled and said 'oh, that's nice' everytime they told me about kids just sleeping wherever and whenever and then didn't engage in the conversation anymore.

Edit to add that I also got comments about thow all the kids they knew ate everything and never complained in response to my 'precious' approach to weaning. I was packing homemade meals and different fruit and veg each day which weren't always met with enthusiasm. The other parents with the 'adventurous eaters' basically give their kids the fruit pouches, crisps, baby biscuits throughout the day.

I’m with your SIL on everything except the biscuits for lunch thing. I had no desire to be trapped in an endless cycle of it’s ’nap time’, it’s ’play time’, its ’bath time’. My child did fit into our lifestyle, he travelled, he went to parties, we went out at night and he was good as gold. If we knew we’d be out late then he’d have an extra nap either before or the day after. Some kids thrive on a rigid life regime (though I suspect it’s more for the parents) and some kids don’t!

Perfect 👌🏻 answer !!! As long as the children are thriving that’s all that matters x

Well yes, your children need this because you have provided this lifestyle for them. Her child needs something else because that's what they are used to. You both need to leave each other alone as all of these children sound cared for and loved and that's the only important thing.

If you were constantly not able to do xyz because of some forced schedule you created that would be super annoying. If she was constantly changing everything around and insisting you join in on everything while solo parenting in a foreign country with two small children, she's super annoying too.

I think in future you should just not stay with her and get somewhere for yourself. Then you can meet up for something each day and go back when it suits you.

I was super structured with my kids - we had times and expectations for almost everything. But on holiday with other people that just had to move around somewhat to be friendly and to be able to join in on things. But you can do whatever you want with your own kids - as she can with yours.

If this is how you were talking about her parenting the whole time I can see why it didn't go very well! You sound super judgemental.

Think it depends on the baby really. My first was easy so could slot her in around my life. The second was not so easy, I had to plan things around her!