Have I got it wrong or SIL

[Ahsotired]

I went to visit my DB's family for few weeks. They live in another country and I flew with my baby and toddler. I am very conscious of following routines for my DC, especially food times, nap times and sleep routine.
They don't seem to have any routine with their DC. Their younger DC is same age as my older DC. I always used to plan any outing in the evening after both my DC were finished napping and we're fresh and content as I want to avoid any meltdowns and going around with a baby and toddler is hard as it is. Baby was 7 months and older DC is 3.5 years old.
My SIL made a comment that they never made any changes to their pre kids lifestyle and they made their DC to fit in their lifestyle, which meant their 3 yo DC would be awake till 1 am on the weekends when they are out and about with him, getting only 6-8 hours sleep and they have already cut his nap since he was 2. He hasn't got any fixings sleep routine and he sleeps around 11 pm, when they go to bed and wakes at 8 AM. They are not strict with processed food etc and some days he'd just have crisps and biscuits for lunch if he wants. He's very short and under weight, probably something like under 4th centile for his age. She indirectly said that I should be doing whatever I want and not worry about my kid's nap times and feed times etc. I think she's AIBU but wanted to get some perspective from others on this.

Keeping a 3 year old up till 1am sounds miserable. As a one off, travelling for example, sometimes things like this have to happen but, on a regular basis, it sounds very tough on the kid. I’m all for leaving people to their own parenting style but you have to draw the line somewhere.

I've never been a stickler for routines but with my 4th I stick to his sleep routine for his sake and my own sanity

You went to stay for a few weeks - I bet they were fed up of you. That is far too long to impose yourself on anyone.

Exactly what i was going to say

Neither of you is wrong. You are doing what works for your families. The only thing that's wrong is deciding the other one is doing it wrong!

First post nailed it - you both sound extreme. But she sounds quite fun and you sound extremely judgmental. She’s also a more experienced parent than you and it’s likely you will chill out more as your kids get older.

This

I am also very strict when it comes to routines and plan everything around it for my family (meaning kids and husband). When you go and visit someone you sort of adjust to your host, especially if its a short visit, if its too much then dont visit again until kids are older or let them visit you so you can continue your routines.

her parenting style from what you said is shocking, i agree, but still, you can go to someone’s house and expect them to follow your routines

In “Asia” .. really. What, the whole entire continent of Asia … ? 🤣🤣

First post nails it. Stop being so judgy. Your way may be right for you but doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone else.

Not sure what she exactly said but no wonder you're annoyed if she's indirectly criticized your parenting.

I don't think you sound extreme. I wouldn't parent like your SIL but also it's her life so whatever. If missing a nap means a whinging crying baby all afternoon whose also waking every 2 hours at night because of overtiredness then yes I'm going to give them their nap at the proper time to avoid this. If they seem to be unaffected whether I put them down at 11am or 2pm then I'll be more flexible. Even if I was on holiday, I would just do what I needed to do and be like "I'll meet you there".

I just think it's annoying when people make comments on your parenting decisions as if you don't know what's best for you and your child. I just think stay in your lane and I'll stay in mine when it comes to this sort of thing.

It's difficult to spend excessive amounts of time with people who have different parenting styles to you because ultimately, the way they parent can end up affecting you and visa versa, then people end up feeling judged, or feeling confrontational or having their children in situations that they're not comfortable with. But obvs it's your SIL and they live in another country so not really avoidable. I'd just stick to your own thing, if being flexible is going to stress you out, don't do it, just let them carry on with their day and meet them as and when you can. It's only short term whilst the children are young anyway.

I dislike these virtuous "we have an inflexible routine, that everyone should also have" threads. All very well if you have babies and children that adapt to those, but when you have one that doesn't want to, or one that always seems hungry and one that never sleeps, it doesn't work. Children are not robots, just as adults are not, we are all different.

FWIW I never had a routine, we ate when hungry, slept when tired and if that meant a nap or a (horrors!) Greggs sausage roll in a buggy then so be it.

Two very healthy, happy, adaptable adult children, one with a baby of their own whose also doing their best with their sleepless, fussy with food, wild little monkey.

Given the nature of the OP's post, I would be shocked if her SIL didn't feel judged by her (directly or indirectly).

Gently OP, you are very much a first time parent of one I think, it's a different ball game. Especially by baby 2 we had relaxed our schedule entirely, I think it's often something that comes with the confidence of juggling a few competing needs and schedules and knowing you can't keep it all tightly controlled. We would do a lot of our naps in the pushchair and didn't stress about timings for sleep but followed sleepy or emotional cues. Baby 2 had a lot more of things like biscuits early on because the older sibling was now having them, and you can't control it so much when your little one is tagging along to things like birthday parties.

Nope. My baby fit around my routine and my life. Same with my dog.

Both were extremely easy babies/puppies and are both now in their teens also still easy with no anxiety or food or sleep issues 🤷‍♀️ I also found being a mum to both kid and dog not as hard as people say.

I think being too rigid and changing your lifestyle to fit around your kids/pets sometimes creates issues with both parent and kid/pet.

OP has two kids. A baby and a toddler. Second sentence.

You probably aren't wrong for your baby. She probably isnt for hers.

My middle two we had a water tight routine. It was stuck to with iron discipline. Because all hell broke loose if we didn't. They also napped till well after their 4th birthday.

My youngest.... well, she's incredibly flexible. She doesn't do better or worse on a routine as long as she gets enough sleep in total. I've never known a toddler to genuinely not seem to care about when she naps! During term it's most convenient if she has 1 2 hour nap at midday. She is happy with that, goes down without a fuss and wakes up happy. Yesterday we were out on a day trip. She slept in the car at 5.30-7. Still happy all day, went to sleep easily and woke up happy.

I think most toddlers do better with a routine, but perhaps hers is one of the rare ones that just doesnt need one?

Equally, as regards total sleep - my eldest has never slept much. By the time she was 2, it was a total of 10 hours in 24. She's 8 now, she sleeps about 8-9 hours. She has never slept more unless ill. Yes, it's a bit unusual, but it seems to work for her. I don't sleep as much as is recommended either, never have done. I'm very satisfied on 6 hours generally (and at the moment I bloody wish I got that!!!)

If her child is happy and thriving, then great.

Perhaps a little more concerning is the diet. You mention they are low on centiles etc. Are the family generally small? But again, there may be more to it - my eldest is much slighter than my others because she is a picky eater. On holiday or with guests I would allow her to eat "worse" food than at home as i wouldn't want her food to become the focus of quality family time. So yes, there would be a lot more chips than at home but I wouldnt worry about it.

Your SIL is on the extreme end but there’s nothing wrong with a flexible routine. Sometimes you have no choice in the matter either! Last night my youngest woke randomly in the middle of the night for a couple of hours which meant she fell asleep for her nap at 9am which is 3 hours earlier than normal but you’ve just got to roll with it sometimes. My brother had a very inflexible routine with his first and it meant he missed half my wedding, couldn’t do full days out anywhere because his DD would only nap in her cot at home in total darkness and specific white noise playing… he’s since had another and has fully relaxed the routine this time around and seems to be much happier.

Agree so hard with this! when my DD was born at full term but weighing less than most preemies the hospital scared the shit out of me listing all the concerns they had. She’s perfect, and actually the only problems she has ever had were complications from the medics interfering and giving her medication she didnt need.

She is still small but that’s ok! some people are small, it’s not necessarily a sign of poor health.

Be too rigid means the children cannot cope when there is an unexpected change to the routine, having a melt down which reinforces the parents idea that a strict routine is the be all and end all.
Be too fluid and inconsistent means children who are constantly not knowing if they are coming and going, always on the alert as there is no consistency and then find it hard to fit into school and work.

Ideally the middle ground is the best way to be - a loose sort of routine but no having to be home at 1pm so the child can nap in thier golden cot and everyone tip toe around - instead, if out for the day, naps in the car or buggy. if done from an early age then child is comfortable having a nap whilst out and about.

well now you know, don't visit again.

Personally we always were in the SIL's ballpark about anal routines, when I had No 1 I'd never heard of 'routines', I worked on the principle that she'd let us know when she wanted to eat, sleep etc. and we wouldn't feel over-restricted, she certainly slept and ate in some odd places!

Neither of you are being unreasonable for having different lifestyles and parenting approaches… but you are both being very unreasonable for commenting on it. Being a mum is hard enough without being judged and criticised by other mums!! SIL shouldn’t be commenting on yours openly, and you shouldn’t be criticising hers behind her back.

FWIW our approach is more akin to yours (keep a routine for DS 2.5 with nap time and bedtime, favour fresh fruit and veg as snacks over processed foods though not militant about it) - but I wouldn’t comment on how a relative or a mum friend parents. It’s what works for us, not everybody.

different parenting styles and different children. My older dc didn’t really need a routine she just skitted in my younger d c did need it and we adapted our parenting