Have I got it wrong or SIL

[Ahsotired]

I went to visit my DB's family for few weeks. They live in another country and I flew with my baby and toddler. I am very conscious of following routines for my DC, especially food times, nap times and sleep routine.
They don't seem to have any routine with their DC. Their younger DC is same age as my older DC. I always used to plan any outing in the evening after both my DC were finished napping and we're fresh and content as I want to avoid any meltdowns and going around with a baby and toddler is hard as it is. Baby was 7 months and older DC is 3.5 years old.
My SIL made a comment that they never made any changes to their pre kids lifestyle and they made their DC to fit in their lifestyle, which meant their 3 yo DC would be awake till 1 am on the weekends when they are out and about with him, getting only 6-8 hours sleep and they have already cut his nap since he was 2. He hasn't got any fixings sleep routine and he sleeps around 11 pm, when they go to bed and wakes at 8 AM. They are not strict with processed food etc and some days he'd just have crisps and biscuits for lunch if he wants. He's very short and under weight, probably something like under 4th centile for his age. She indirectly said that I should be doing whatever I want and not worry about my kid's nap times and feed times etc. I think she's AIBU but wanted to get some perspective from others on this.

Wouldn’t happen though - neither of my SILs have told me I’m parenting wrong and I’ve not told them that either! We don’t parent exactly the same but we all accept that and don’t get offended when others do things differently.

You say here it's not about what the parents want but then go in to say they need routine because YOU are managing them alone and YOU want to avoid meltdowns to enjoy the day. Do you not see here you are doing what will benefit you, what will give you the easiest day. Which is fine, but you need to accept that other parents and other children will want and need different things to you. Not all families want a strict routine, some manage better with more flexibility.

Little children going to sleep at 11.00 pm and waking up at 8.00 am is not even sleep for a 2 or 3 years old. Your SIL could do with more structure with her DC.

I like you…. The world will be a better place if there were more like you…

It also depends on the DC though, doesn’t it? I had friends who didn’t change their lifestyle when they had DC - because their DCs were pretty easy babies who adapted quickly to life outside the womb, fed well, slept well, and were perfectly content doing whatever their parents wanted while in a sling/buggy as long as basic needs were being met.

Try doing that with a hypersensitive reflux-y vomiter or the kind of baby who gets massively overtired but WILL NOT give in and sleep. That city break to Rome looks a bit less appealing, doesn’t it? I honestly didn’t realise how much I’d have to adapt the parent I planned to be to the DC I got, because my initial preference just wouldn’t work for them.

( @FamilyPhoto )
How about this.
You parent your DC your way.
Your SIL can parent her DC her way.

If only it was so simple.

I've got a feeling the conversation goes something like this:
SIL: let's take the kids to the park/beach/play area
OP: sure, but it will have to be this afternoon, I have to feed mine and then they'll need their nap - say 3pm?
SIL: I think you could relax a little about those routines of yours

This ⬆️ And why does it matter anyway? You do you. They do them. 🤷‍♀️

I really don’t see why times have to be specific. If it works for you that’s great! Crack on. But, like adults, my children often want to eat at different times and sleep at different times to suit what’s going on with their bodies and environment? I feed my children when they’re hungry, and they sleep when they’re tired. I don’t really care what the clock says.

EG if they’ve had a very active day they will want to go to bed earlier than if it’s been a lazy day. Same for if it’s been a hot day. My children tend to eat less when they’re warm, but drink more. Sometimes they don’t feel hungry at lunch so don’t eat much, so then dinner is often 1-2 hours earlier than it might otherwise have been. I cannot imagine letting a clock dictate these things - I also think it’s fine to do that if it works for you, I am just saying that your way is not the only way.

I also note with the OP post I just quoted, you mention things should be about the child and not the adult, but then go on to say why living to a strict routine benefits YOU. Nothing wrong with that at all, btw.

Spot on.