Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I got it wrong or SIL

160 replies

Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 10:50

I went to visit my DB's family for few weeks. They live in another country and I flew with my baby and toddler. I am very conscious of following routines for my DC, especially food times, nap times and sleep routine.
They don't seem to have any routine with their DC. Their younger DC is same age as my older DC. I always used to plan any outing in the evening after both my DC were finished napping and we're fresh and content as I want to avoid any meltdowns and going around with a baby and toddler is hard as it is. Baby was 7 months and older DC is 3.5 years old.
My SIL made a comment that they never made any changes to their pre kids lifestyle and they made their DC to fit in their lifestyle, which meant their 3 yo DC would be awake till 1 am on the weekends when they are out and about with him, getting only 6-8 hours sleep and they have already cut his nap since he was 2. He hasn't got any fixings sleep routine and he sleeps around 11 pm, when they go to bed and wakes at 8 AM. They are not strict with processed food etc and some days he'd just have crisps and biscuits for lunch if he wants. He's very short and under weight, probably something like under 4th centile for his age. She indirectly said that I should be doing whatever I want and not worry about my kid's nap times and feed times etc. I think she's AIBU but wanted to get some perspective from others on this.

OP posts:
Battels · 13/08/2025 11:07

Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 11:04

I never judged her parenting style but I think it's not always about what parents want when the kids are little babies and toddler, they need to be consistent with the food and nap times especially in my case where I was the one managing them both by myself, I wanted to avoid any meltdowns to enjoy any outing, else it just becomes a difficult day and there's no joy being out and about.

But that’s you dealing with the consequences of the routines you’ve created for your children, presumably because when you’re not staying with someone who does things differently, it suits you.

If, for example, your children were accustomed to napping in a pushchair when out, and eating when hungry rather than at set times, you would be finding a ‘holiday’ situation like the one you’re in much easier.

It’s swings and roundabouts. We do things because they suit us.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 13/08/2025 11:08

You obviously want us to draw the conclusion that her sub par parenting caused her son to be underweight and short for his age. Otherwise why mention it?

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 13/08/2025 11:11

To answer your actual question, probably neither is wrong. As long as it works for you , the kids and your families, you do you , with some compromise when you are together.

BeepBoopBop · 13/08/2025 11:11

You haven’t said where they live. Italy & Spain have a different culture and babes in arms are often out with their parents late in the evening and into the wee hours as that is when it is cooler and they eat much later.
Our experiences with family staying with us and their fixed routines were a bloody misery for all of us and the toddler wouldn’t nap anyway for FOMO so it was a lose lose situation for everyone. Chill out. No one will die.

Icanttakethisanymore · 13/08/2025 11:12

Routines only matter if you think they matter. Kids don't need routine (although I agree they can make parents' lives easier). The food thing is definitely not good though, nobody can thrive eating rubbish.

Growlybear83 · 13/08/2025 11:12

I think you’re being unreasonable in terms of being so inflexible with routines, but not so much with the food issues. I really don’t see the need for little children to have rigid routines any more than for adults, and I don’t think it should be necessary to make massive changes to your lifestyle when you have children.

GregoryFluff · 13/08/2025 11:13

Listen, every thing about routine aside

Some kids, are just more petite. My youngest daughter is little. They wanted me to stop breast feeding her, did at 8 and a half months. Formula didn't fatten her up, daily high energy prescribed milk and a fortified weaning diet, didn't fatten her up. She's just shy of 14 months, she can toddle, she's fast, can climb anything, has boundless energy. She's just small. Her Dad is 5ft7 and was the same. Still weighed 9 stone at 18, played every sport going to a decent level. Could have easily played cricket for the county if he had wanted, ran cross country. So much of weight and height is genetics. They had me scared to death she was failing to thrive etc...
She's fine, beautiful, a whirlwind
I swear I'm gonna get a sign saying she's 1, just small
People's faces when she's clamboring off at soft play, the farm etc. I'm always in reach, she's fine
There are so many bigger kids now, it stands out more. They'll know he's small
They won't need guilting over it
It gets really fucking boring tbh. Don't give him a complex. They were out of whack, they had visitors. They know their kid. A biscuit won't kill him

RedPony1 · 13/08/2025 11:13

My mum had many horses so we had to fit in to her life, and we did!

Maray1967 · 13/08/2025 11:14

RimTimTagiDim · 13/08/2025 11:03

I'd find it really difficult to have guests who were rigid about following a restrictive routine. It's polite to adapt to your hosts.

No, a compromise is fine, but that should be requested without the comments about how OP should parent differently.

We weren’t rigid over routines, but neither would I have had my DCs out in a buggy at 1am. Not a chance.

DaisyChain505 · 13/08/2025 11:15

You sound uptight.

When on holiday it’s perfectly normal and reasonable to have children napping at different times or on the go and bedtime routine being pushed etc.

It sounds like you were being awkward whilst visiting them and wanting plans set in stone around you and your routine.

Ballardz · 13/08/2025 11:16

FamilyPhoto · 13/08/2025 10:57

How about this.
You parent your DC your way.
Your SIL can parent her DC her way.

This is all you need to know.

Parenting is hard enough. Judging other parents for doing things differently is nasty.

Unnecessarily horrible post OP.

CantHoldMeDown · 13/08/2025 11:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Battels · 13/08/2025 11:17

Maray1967 · 13/08/2025 11:14

No, a compromise is fine, but that should be requested without the comments about how OP should parent differently.

We weren’t rigid over routines, but neither would I have had my DCs out in a buggy at 1am. Not a chance.

Show quote history

Sure, but as the OP has created an internet thread basically inviting strangers to join her in condemning her SIL’s parenting (the DB seems curiously absent from all this) and saying his poor diet has made her child underweight and tiny fir his age, I suspect the criticisms aren’t all one-sided.

CantHoldMeDown · 13/08/2025 11:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PinkBobby · 13/08/2025 11:18

I always find it interesting when people say they didn’t change anything about their lives post kids and they ‘just fit in’. It’s less of a judgement and more of a “how is that even possible”? My DCs turned my life upside down!

I’m definitely on the more flexible end routine wise (eg I don’t care when or how they nap but they do need a nap before we go to dinner so I can have a semi-enjoyable meal) but I couldn’t do regular 1am - 8am snoozes and nor could my Dcs. If I went away with people who did, I’d maybe do it a couple of times if there was a good reason (eg an event or special meal) but I wouldn’t just stay up to be polite, especially if my DCs were overtired messes. I wouldn’t mind being judged for ‘pandering’ etc. - just doing what I need to to survive!

I guess ultimately everyone is in charge of their own kids and are free to set things up as they wish. I don’t think there should be pressure or comments either way. Your SIL isn’t ‘right’ to suggest you should change - you’ve done it long enough to work out what works best for you guys.

RimTimTagiDim · 13/08/2025 11:19

Ahsotired · 13/08/2025 11:04

I never judged her parenting style but I think it's not always about what parents want when the kids are little babies and toddler, they need to be consistent with the food and nap times especially in my case where I was the one managing them both by myself, I wanted to avoid any meltdowns to enjoy any outing, else it just becomes a difficult day and there's no joy being out and about.

Oh come on, you very clearly judge her.

JustChillin70 · 13/08/2025 11:20

You say you didn’t comment on how your SIL (and that would be your brother too) parents but seem to insinuating that her lack of routine is a contributing factor to her child being short. Having no set routine doesn’t make a child short and obviously if he is short he is bound to also be on the lower percentile form weight too, that doesn’t make the child underweight.
You haven’t said which country they live in but many cultures views on children being out at night are vastly different, it doesn’t make it wrong because it’s not what you do.

goldtrap · 13/08/2025 11:20

She indirectly said that I should be doing whatever I want

But you are doing what you want. You are implementing the routines you want so that your life works well.

She is following a more lazy relaxed approach which works for her (if not for her 'underweight', 'short' child).

She is judging you, and you are judging her.

When she 'indirectly' says you should be doing whatever you want, say, but I am. This is what I want to do. Isn't it interesting that we are all different?

Zimunya · 13/08/2025 11:21

I don't think either of you are wrong - you're both doing what you think is best for your children and your family.

SJM1988 · 13/08/2025 11:23

You are both at opposite ends of the extreme.

We parent in the middle. Aren't rigid but have a schedule. Also have changed our lifestyle a bit but still enjoy the odd late night.

Also low centile doesn't mean there is an issue like your post suggests. I have naturally low centile children (5-15th), some days they only eat junk espically when we have family over or are visiting family. It doesn't happen every day but sometimes its not worth the fight and a few biscuits are fine.

RabbitsEatPancakes · 13/08/2025 11:23

You're both the extremes. Your life sounds very controlled.

I always made sure mine had good sleeps, 2hr nap and 11/12hrs a night but the nap would be anywhere between 11-3 depending on the day. I certainly never staying in until after naps. Food times as well would flex around our day.

We did stay out for a few special occasions but never regularly, weddings, Xmas, family parties etc.

wineosaurusrex · 13/08/2025 11:23

Strongly disagree that kids need such strict routines. This idea about routines being essential is common in the UK and not at all common in many other countries. I thought it was normal too until I started to travel and live abroad and found that it's not necessary to have strict routines and it makes the lives of children and adults harder and less enjoyable!

Namenamchange · 13/08/2025 11:25

I think you are judgemental, the comment about his height and weight suggest you feel superior.

yogpot · 13/08/2025 11:26

So you think their parenting (assume your brother is also a parent to these kids?) has caused their child to be short and underweight.

My 3yo is also short (below second centile) I’ll file it away that it’s my shit parenting! Because my child mostly stopped napping at two - I’d have liked to see you get him to sleep. And my child only sleeps 9-10 hours at night - again, I’d love to see you get him to sleep more! He’s not really fussed about a routine, he eats when he’s hungry and sleeps when he’s tired. He’s also a very happy, bright and kind boy who, other than being short which isn’t a flaw, is the picture of robust good health.

You’re being incredibly judgemental about someone else’s parenting and clearly angling for everyone to tell you what a wonderful mother you are. And I’m sure you are. But your SIL is probably a wonderful mother too, I’m fairly sure I’m no slouch either. We just do things differently, to suit our individual needs. Both ours and our children.

skyeisthelimit · 13/08/2025 11:30

Everyone is different, but she shouldn't be making digs at you about your choices.

When DD was a baby, she went where I went, I didn't want to be tied to the house, so had no set naptime, she just slept wherever she was, car, supermarket, shops, park, whatever.

My friend's baby went down twice a day at set times. I didn't want to be restricted around a baby's naps, so didn't have set times.

We did not criticise each other for doing it differently. You know what works best for your DC for them to not be tired.