Have I got it wrong or SIL

[Ahsotired]

I went to visit my DB's family for few weeks. They live in another country and I flew with my baby and toddler. I am very conscious of following routines for my DC, especially food times, nap times and sleep routine.
They don't seem to have any routine with their DC. Their younger DC is same age as my older DC. I always used to plan any outing in the evening after both my DC were finished napping and we're fresh and content as I want to avoid any meltdowns and going around with a baby and toddler is hard as it is. Baby was 7 months and older DC is 3.5 years old.
My SIL made a comment that they never made any changes to their pre kids lifestyle and they made their DC to fit in their lifestyle, which meant their 3 yo DC would be awake till 1 am on the weekends when they are out and about with him, getting only 6-8 hours sleep and they have already cut his nap since he was 2. He hasn't got any fixings sleep routine and he sleeps around 11 pm, when they go to bed and wakes at 8 AM. They are not strict with processed food etc and some days he'd just have crisps and biscuits for lunch if he wants. He's very short and under weight, probably something like under 4th centile for his age. She indirectly said that I should be doing whatever I want and not worry about my kid's nap times and feed times etc. I think she's AIBU but wanted to get some perspective from others on this.

I don’t think there’s one right answer, you don’t NEED strict routines, it’s up to the parent and what works for that family but there is no universal need to plan your entire day around their naps & meal times.

Wow OP, you do sound very rigid in your approach. At the same time, your SIL sounds a little too relaxed in hers.

There is a middle ground you know…and no real need to be quite so rigid/fixed in your routines.

As others have said, you don’t (shouldn’t!) change everything about your life just because you’ve got children.

Chill out a bit…it will be ok! (And your kids will still thrive…possibly even more so actually!)

No one way is right. I come from an ethnically Indian family. Discipline and routine is quite strong, but children do not tend to sleep early and can often be kept up late for festivals, weddings and events. Also depends on your own lifestyle. Constantly keeping a child up till late would cause them to be very tired in the week, which would be difficult if you are working.

But that is also having a routine to suit you rather than your child!

Every comment you have made is a judgement of her parenting style!

She shouldn't have commented on your parenting style. You shouldn't be here commenting on hers.

I imagine both of you are looking for external validation that you are doing parenting right. It's impossible to get every single aspect of parenting right. Pick the things you want to follow for your family and ignore how everyone else does it.

You are being judgemental and want everyone to agree with you that a strict routine is best. Routine can be good, but it isnt necessary for every child and family, and it isn't wrong to not have one either.

Also just for the record re processed food, as you chose to make a comment about your nephew and his diet. My child eats some processed foods. Unfortunately, despite my efforts to try and get him to eat a more varied , healthier diet, he won't. I keep trying though! He is on the 98th centile for height , not remotely overweight.

There's a happy medium between the two surely.

I'm always amazed when I read about people on here sitting in hotel rooms in the dark on holiday as they're kids are asleep for the night ... at about 8pm. Might as well have stayed at home.

I firmly believe in routine. My kids were down at 7.30-8pm, slept thru from about four months. It meant I had a child free evening with my husband. I was less strict during the day, but made sure they were up from a nap for a few hours before bedtime. The parents that didn’t have much of a routine had little adult time, frequent cranky kids.
Once nursery/school starts they may find it an adjustment. However, I also believe you parent however you want to, as long as you are not harming the child. If her way works for them, fine.
Tell your SIL that your routine works well for you so are sticking to it.

I think a lot of this stuff about routines comes because so many kids are in nursery now and it suits the nursery to have routines. Snack, lunch, nap - all rigidly enforced to suit the setting.

in my day (I’m old) it was much more free flowing - a nap in the stroller or indeed no nap after they turned two; a late lunch or dinner because of circumstances; late nights on holidays. It was all fine. And my two have grown into well regulated, well behaved, fit and health young men. I never took them away from a good time for a ‘routine - if they were too tired or hungry, they’d let me know.

Sometimes I don’t think people enjoy parenting as much as we did (and we both worked!). Too much judgement going on.

Surely a 3.5 year old is rather old for a daily nap anyway?

"Never judged her parenting style" indeed... it's hard to see how you could be more judgemental!

It’s just about what works best for you and baby. I had a routine and mine always had healthy food and nap times and bed times were always adhered to it was restrictive and exhausting at times but I stuck to it when babies and toddlers. As I felt it was the only way I could cope.

Most of my other friends were much more chilled than me. Some out with babies, babies passed around umpteen people when little, going to stay with GP’s over night when they were days old, took them to BBQ’s at days old and on holiday aboard when only months old, people could visit whenever they liked when first home from hospital etc. Some friends I was envious of how chilled out and relaxed they were but others I felt sorry for the babies and children.

You just need to do you and you and SIL should both keep your ideas and opinions to yourselves.

I have two sisters. One has changed her entire life. Strict routines - up at X time, in bed by X, not a minute later. Dinner is a half hour slot, they have to eat lunch at a certain time. She gets very anxious when the routine is disrupted. Even on holiday or Christmas Day, the routine is followed to a tee.

The other just goes with the flow. The kids eat when they’re hungry. If they’re tired during the day, they nap, if they’re not, they don’t. They go to bed when they’re tired (within reason, if they’re not tired at 8pm, for example, they have to get into bed and read or play quietly in their room). If they’re up too late and tired the next day, that’s their own fault and they’ve learnt not to do it again.

The second lot of kids are much, much happier than the first. They’re more content, better sleepers, better eaters, less fussy, they can entertain themselves.

but I think it's not always about what parents want when the kids are little babies and toddler, they need to be consistent with the food and nap times

We never were. Good times fitted in around what was going on at the time. Nap times were always dictated by when/if the kids were tired, never at a specific time. Sometimes that meant one started napping 15mins before you were due to leave for a school run and had to be woken up, oh well, such is life. They then just tended to have an extra early bedtime that night. No biggie. It all rubbed along and everyone lived.

ETA - while we didn’t really do ‘routine’ at the best of times, absolutely no way we would have on holidays. We only got a family holiday roughly once every three years, no way we were all spending it around different age kids/babies naps or some pre-dictated meal times! Babies were in carriers and slept when they needed and toddlers in prams and same, fell asleep in that if/when they got tired. Older kids went with the flow as that’s how they lived.

My sister was absolutely obsessed with her kids' routines. It was so bloody tedious. She expected everyone to dance to the tune of her kids' routine. She now has 3 teens who have grown up being taught that the world revolves around them. So that's fun.

Both of you sound at completely opposite ends of the spectrum. Everyone is parenting the child that they have, perhaps as their child is small and potentially underweight they have been told that giving processed foods here and there is acceptable as a means of encouraging their child to eat more. Their child might also have lower sleep needs etc.

Framing it as one of you has it right and one of you has it wrong is unnecessarily harsh when you're just two families trying to do their best.

She indirectly said that I should be doing whatever I want

You are doing what you want, and so is she. The two of you aren't co-parenting any children, so there's no need for your parenting styles or philosophies to match. If she pushes you to adopt her routine, just tell her that your household has developed a routine that works for everyone, adults and children, and you're sticking to it as long as it's working.

I was strict with sleep routines when mine were younger. It worked much better for us as a family and the kids were happy on routine. My youngest was actually more routine led than the older one. She couldn’t cope at all with a late night or missing a nap window and needed dark and silence. Older one could sleep in a buggy and was a bit more flexible but kept her nap for an extra year compared to the younger one. I found the period of multiple naps tough going but in the scheme of things it’s such a short period of time, it’s not that big a deal

As they’ve got older their natural preferences have emerged. older one is an owl but will take herself to bed early if she’s tired. She is not an early riser by any means but doesn’t tend to have epic lie ins. Younger one needs a reasonable bed time as a late night makes her ratty but catches up with a massive lie in past 10am every so often.

It comes across as you think your way is better, we were in a routine mainly when we could but went with the flow if around other people our way was no better than anyone else's

I think it depends on the children. Mine need routine and structure even on holiday we follow roughly the same pattern as otherwise they are tired and grouchy which isn't fun for anyone!

Some children adapt fine to flexible timings and it's definitely a southern European way of kids up late (but generally they have a long nap in the afternoon) dinner late etc.

My children do not! We can stretch them about an hour later for dinner and an hour or so for bedtime but that's it. We have ruled out going on holiday to certain countries whilst they are small because of this!

It's fine for your SIL to follow what she wants to do. If your children need more structure also fine neither is wrong in approach it's personal preference and knowing your children.

Our kids have always gone along with whatever we were doing. e.g we wouldn’t go home for bedtimes if we were going out but my kids would happily fall asleep on a friends sofa or in their pushchair if we were away on holiday so we could all have the best of both worlds. With regards to meals, again we are flexible e.g if you want dessert before dinner, that’s fine but you will eat your dinner or else next time you don’t get dessert until after dinner. People often comment about how amenable my children are and I do genuinely believe part of this is due to the flexible parenting approach we have. You both sound to be polar opposites and so I hope you can find a happy medium to get you through the holiday.

Obviously a 1am bedtime and only eating crisps and biscuits for lunch is not okay for a 3-year-old, there’s being relaxed and there’s being near neglectful.

That said, there’s no need to be unnecessarily rigid either. Baby/ toddler can nap in the buggy or car when put and about and there’s no harm in adjusting mealtimes to fit with the days plans. The two of you sound at either end of each extreme where the ideal is probably somewhere in the middle.

I was more like you and my husband's sister was more like your SIL. I was incredibly judgy of her and convinced I was the one doing parenting 'right'.

That was 30 years ago now. All the cousins have grown up happy, healthy and successful in their own ways (not perfect any of them, but pretty damn good). They are all very close, a loving extended family.

Turns out I wasn't the expert I thought I was!

I think that most parents are in between because everyone has to get up and go to work/nursery in the morning and leave home by like 7:30am.

Everyone is entitled to their beliefs. Neither of you is "right" just have different beliefs.