MIL is too much

[OneBrightCrow]

I find my MIL quite overbearing, and where I want to see her expectations and enthusiasm to spend time with us as misguided love, the way she behaves does not make it easy, and instead I feel frustrated at her childishness or entitlement. Looking for some advice here on how to handle things in the moment so that I don’t come across as rude…

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There have been countless occasions in my 8 years as a parent, where she has gone ahead and done what SHE has wanted despite knowing that it spoilt our own plans as parents... for example when she bought our daughter a Fisher Price rocking horse for her first Christmas as it was on a good deal, despite knowing and having SEEN that we had already bought one for our daughter’s first birthday (that was after Christmas, so her gift would get given first).

She can also be incredibly rude at times – for example at a recent family party that my parents put on for our 40ths, we did birthday cake/candles etc and when everyone was watching she repeatedly shouted across to me “why are you pulling that silly face? You look like a hamster”

To my knowledge I wasn’t pulling a strange face at all, but she seemed to relish the opportunity to try and humiliate me when she had everyone’s attention.
Anyway, that’s not what this is about, but I want to give some context about why I feel how I do.

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A few months back, MIL announced that she wanted to do a cruise with us all (her 2 adult children, partners, grandkids). They would be paying – which is extremely generous – but I reminded my husband that as it is the year of our 40ths, we had our own plans that would need to be considered (in terms of dates and the amount of leave we could take from work). This was a fleeting conversation one Sunday lunchtime…. But 48hrs later we are told that the trip is booked. No further discussion.
Thankfully, dates etc worked out, so we just went with it. Given their generosity, it felt inappropriate to dig our heels in about not having any further conversations about it.
The cruise is fast approaching, and it’s evident that we will be expected to spend every waking minute together. Obviously we’re going as a family, so a decent amount of time together is expected, but when I talk to my husband about potential things we can enjoy on the ship, he reminds me that it may be awkward if his parents and sister’s family don’t want to do those things as “we are on a family trip”.

We will have a row of 3 rooms with MIL in the middle and she's already told my husband she'd like to open up the balconies so we have access to all rooms (WHY???)

My MIL has also started revealing outfits (only to my husband) that she has bought for my DD (nothing for my son, lol) so that she can match her other granddaughter when we dress up in the evening. She hasn’t given them to me to pack, but will pack them in her own suitcase and present them on the evening with the expectation they are put on. We have outfits already planned for the evenings, so I can see this being an awkward moment…

In situations like that, my MIL is likely to stick her bottom lip out and talk in a baby voice about how she’s brought it so the girls can match, and basically behave like a spoilt child so that everyone feels sorry for her, and I look like I’m just being difficult. Especially when my SIL will dutifully comply with whatever MIL wants.

I find those times quite difficult to manage – wanting to assert myself, but not create an atmosphere. But my tolerance can be very low, and I imagine will be even more so if we’re spending such an intense period of time together.

Help! AIBU to find this all too much??

Oh wow, that cruise is going to be intolerable! ..... I think you will just need to bite your tongue, and everything else....whilst your away, otherwise you'll be blamed for ruining the holiday. Hopefully you can grab some alone time - or scream into a pillow!

It seems like your DH is going along with it all, maybe you have DH problem ??

Well yes, DH is a definite factor.

I have started to ask him to shut stuff down as sometimes I think it's better coming from him than me, as well as feeling like we're then a united front.... but sometimes we disagree on stuff and he feels that I'm finding issues where there aren't any.

i think it's tricky when it's his mum, he knows what she's like so is used to it... but is forgetting that I do not have that same tolerance.

I’d suggest you make maximum
use of the free bar, see if you can get hold of Diazepam. Sounds like a bloody nightmare

Good luck!

Seriously though you're going to have to pick your battles or the whole trip will be excrutiating. Maybe let her get her way with the clothes so you can push back a bit on things like activities with the whole family? Whatever is more important to you. Yes, it will feel annoying to you to 'cave in' to her pressure but don't turn everything into a competition. Save it for when it's really important to you.

In the longer term I would start trying to create some distance so fewer expectations are created around this kind of thing.

Wow. This is really difficult.
I think your mistake was "just going with it" a while ago when she went ahead and booked it.
She is calling all the shots and planning all the things she wants without much thought to anyone else. I'd be very annoyed too.
What to do about it now though? Very tricky.
Whatever you say or do she is going to be "upset".

One option would be to just take a deep breath, step back and Let Her.
She's doing all this organising and work. Change the way you are looking at it. Instead of letting it wind you up, won't it be fun for your daughter?

I agree with just going along with bit and enjoying the bar!

I would have to put my foot down regarding the balconies being open though. I think your own cabin should be your own quiet space and you will definitely need that. You and your DH are adults and she needs to remember that.

I would rather be single than put up with such a spineless and pathetic man like this. Why didn’t he call her out when she humiliated you at your birthday? Why isn’t he calling her out on the sly things she does? He is telling you that you need to suck it up on this holiday and he will most certainly expect you to fall in line with MIL.
why are you putting up with this woman as well. She isn’t your mother or gets to control your lives. She booked a holiday and demanded you all be there - no respect for your jobs, time etc.

poor you

I think I definitely need to try and let some of it wash over me.

my daughter has already turned her nose up a bit at the dresses 😂I have one I'd really like her to wear for the formal night (that she also loves) so I think after that I'll just allow her to choose out of the available options.

I do not want open access to my balcony though!! Somebody is going to get an eyeful!

But 48hrs later we are told that the trip is booked. No further discussion.
Thankfully, dates etc worked out, so we just went with it. Given their generosity, it felt inappropriate to dig our heels in about not having any further conversations about it.

Why the fuck does being polite mean she gets to ride roughshod all over everything?

Stop being polite. You and your husband need to put your collective foot down and stop this. Especially the obsession with your daughter.

Hell would freeze over before I got on that ship.

He does sometimes. But I think we have differing views (or rather I have a lower tolerance and he's a bit oblivious)

he said he didn't hear her make that comment at the party... but other people heard it and made comments to me afterwards. Maybe I need to book him a hearing test.

He’s in the FOG, isn’t he.

Didn’t you spot the apron strings were still attached when you married him? Tied to his balls by the sound of it.

I got the best example of how to deal with an over managing, overbearing, superior person through the example of my BIL! He never fought with his mother or challenged her, she would issue commands and opinions and he would nod, smile and say something non-commital like 'really....is that so .... Ill think about it mum' etc etc and then walk away and do exactly what he wanted to do all along. He would never allow a fight, but he also never bowed to her attempts to control his life either. If she raged or wept tears of frustration or self pity, again the same half sympathetic, half apathetic 'sorry mum...hope you feel better...Ill give you a call in the morning'. It was like a sustained campaign of absolute slipperiness and he was a master at it.

What's the FOG?

no it became more evident when we had kids and her expectations of family time ramped up. He wants to keep the peace.

he does put his foot down when he feels it's too much as well... but unfortunately we're not always in agreement on how much is too much.

I need to acquire this skill 😂 would probably help with my own mum too!

Some of this you can manage up front I think - the clothes you can breeze through with a message about what you're all packing etc, surely? Don't take double the amount of stuff you need to. Say something like "DD has a fab dress she loves for the formal night and is so excited to wear it - are we dressing up on the other nights etc"

Hold firm on opening up the balconies or only do it at set times - you 100% need your privacy. Be clear with your DH about this and tell him its a deal breaker - ie if he doesn't respect this you're never doing anything with his family again.

You have my sympathies. I hope she bought the drinks package and that you take LIBERAL use of it. Check in with us so you can scream into the void if needs be!

FOG is Fear, Obligation and Guilt, google it and you will see your Dh is deep in it with his Mum. It is usually evident when someone says "well you know what X is like" meaning everyone has been conditioned not to challenge them over their behaviour and so they always get their way.

There is also a FOG toolkit to deal with how to get out of it. My SIL has FOG with her Mum but it took her quite a while to see that her Mum's behaviour was batshit crazy.

That sounds full on! Is your DD 8? Based on 8 years as a parent. The easy option for the clothes would be to let DD decide what she wants to wear (at 8 she can surely make up her own mind). I wonder when MIL will spring the outfits on you and how. Pressure for everyone to do the same thing at the same time wouldn’t fly with me and I’d probably prepare a response of ‘well I’m going to have a swim, so enjoy your bowling and I’ll meet you in an hour or so’.

Will look at that!

the rest of the family are chronic enablers so she rarely gets called out... or rather it's laughed off as just one or her quirks

I'll def give her the choice as that kinda takes the spotlight off me!

Agree with your DH a system before you go.

Accept that your MIL is going to wind you up, that seems inevitable. Agree that anything up to a level 7 you will tolerate, but you will tell him you’re at level 7 and he needs to step in and tell him mum to back down.

If he doesn’t and it gets to level 8, you’re allowed to get snippy with her, with his full backing. Level 9 you’re allowed to blow up and level 10 the holiday ends and you fly home.

This way, you give your DH a chance to step in at levels 4, 5, 6 etc and agree (maybe in writing with each other so it’s in black and white and he can’t take it back at a later time?) that it is on his shoulders to deal with his mum and if he doesn’t then you won’t hold back.

Hopefully, if your MIL is doing your head in and you hold up 6 or 7 fingers at your DH, or text him a number or whatever, he’ll get the message and swoop in to defuse the situation. If he doesn’t, he knows you’re going to deal with it in your way and he HAS to back you up.

Also, there’s some things he can deal with in advance of the holiday, for example the outfits. He can tell his mum that your DD has all the holiday outfits she could need and your MIL can return the ones she brought as DD won’t be wearing them, so it’s a waste of money. You could agree that MIL provides one special outfit for her GC if you want to ease the blow. That means there’ll be less conflict on the cruise itself.

Listen out for the news headline about mojito fuelled mother throws herself overboard...

No one can ‘make’ you do anything, OP. Look how much emotional energy you’ve already wasted on stuff that hasn’t happened yet, building it up in your mind.

Don’t open your balcony. If your MIL says she wants you to, say no.

Let your child choose what she wants to wear to dinner.

If you want time alone, do that. Ships are big.

You can’t control other people’s responses to that, obviously, but you will need to sit with the discomfort of saying no, prioritising your own wishes and dealing with other people thinking you’re unreasonable.

Any chance you can contact the company and get your room moved 🤣 I think I'd take earphones and a very absorbing book. We're all off to... You say oh lovely I'll catch you up in a bit (or not!) or the kids want to swim first we'll come and find you. Let DH get ready first and go off with his family while you finish getting ready - and drink a stiff gin!

Hahaha! Could be worth a try!

book on order, earphones charged.

i hear cruise ships are quite big. We might not find them easily... 🤔🤓

I am being 100% serious when I say I wouldn't go. I think some sort of switch flipped in me when I hit 40 and I just don't tolerate what I used to.

Now, I would definitely fake an illness or injury because I understand the need for smooth familial relationships etc. But I would seriously send DH and even DD off with a wave and a smile rather than put up with that!